We have been speaking, for about the last 3 months. We will hit the 6 month mark at the end of October. I hate having to bring it up, I didn't get us into this mess and frankly he is the one who screwed up he should fix it.
Again, this is a new problem. This guy paid for my last two years of university and have never brought that up during a disagreement.
We have been speaking, for about the last 3 months. We will hit the 6 month mark at the end of October. I hate having to bring it up, I didn't get us into this mess and frankly he is the one who screwed up he should fix it.
Again, this is a new problem. This guy paid for my last two years of university and have never brought that up during a disagreement.
Ummm...do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
I know that sounds harsh and I don't mean it to be but marriage is a two way street. There are going to be times when he's going to do stupid and insensitive things - you can dig your heels in and wait for him to fix it on his own - or you can meet him halfway and work together toward a solution that will work for both of you.
I'm not saying that he didn't screw up - he clearly did because his insensitive words ruined what should have been an amazing night of intimacy between the two of you. You say that it's up to him to 'fix' it - have you given him some concrete sense of what he needs to do to 'fix' it for you? What is it that you're looking for to make the situation 'right' again?
One thing I've learned in 19 years of marriage: I recommend being quick to forgive. Everyone screws up. Some screw ups are huge and some are minor. I hope you find a way to forgive his screw up so you guys can move on. Forgiveness comes from you, independent of his actions or whatever penance you expect of him.
Do you want the marriage to work or not? Sorry if it is a blunt question, and you don't have to answer it. You seem really really angry still.
Can your marriage be saved? Only you can answer that right now.
I hope I didn't step on your toes, but I feel for you and your husband. I hope you guys can move past your rocky start, if that is what you want to do. If it is not what you want to do, well....you know what you need to do then.
I hate having to bring it up, I didn't get us into this mess and frankly he is the one who screwed up he should fix it.
I really understand how upset you must feel- he did do something after all. But I do believe it's critical in a relationship to always try to be a bigger, better person... it helps your partner want to strive for that too. And relationships are always about making each other better right?
One could argue that you are harboring negative feelings about the situation, so it's equally YOUR responsibility to share this. It's not helpful to a marriage when one person doesn't speak up when he/she is angry or hurtful.
So, the ball is in either of your courts right now.
You're both in this together. The more you lead by example of raising issues, talking through things, and share your feelings, the more you help create an environment in your marriage where that is the norm.
It is not unheard of that men behave one way when not married and get very strange after the wedding. However, you knew each other (or did not really know each other) for a long time, so I am very surprised at that.
Don't be concerned about what friends might think. Get help. This is your life and don't live in an unhappy situation.
I hate having to bring it up, I didn't get us into this mess and frankly he is the one who screwed up he should fix it.
You're both going to "screw up" and you're not always going to agree on whether a screw up occurred, or who is at fault (or how much fault belongs to whom), or who should fix it and how exactly they should go about it (especially if you don't both communicate about the problem, and expect the other person to "just know" what needs to be done).
You both have to be willing to work together to repair "screw ups" no matter who caused them, and if you can't, you're both going to be in pain all the time.
I'm going to echo what others have said, and recommend counseling, because a counselor's most important role is mediator. He or she will be able to help you each see the other person's point of view, and that's a lot more important than who was wrong, or who should fix the problem and how.
I'm confused. Why do you need him to bring it up so you can talk about it? No offense, but it seems a bit childish. You have to be willing to bring up stuff that bothers you and talk about it. Guys can be pretty clueless, 3 months later you're still walking around all angry and he's probably damn near forgotten about it. If it's a huge problem for you, bring it up and talk to him. You can't be mad at him for not fixing the problem when you won't give him a way to. How do you want it fixed? Him appologizing? Him begging for forgiveness? Flowers and jewelry? Tell him what you need him to do to make it up to you, he probably doesn't have a clue.
Having a hissy fit at him because he can't do simple things isn't a way to work on the relationship either. If he's not doing the things you need him to do, then you need to tell him that calmly and rationally. If he refuses or is unable to do those things, maybe he's not the man you need him to be. Or maybe your expectations are too high, I don't know.
As far as the anniversaries go, it's not cool that he forgets them. He should be able to remember simple dates or buy a calendar, but he's definitely not the first guy to forget them. I think you have a right to be upset about that though, I'd be pissed if my husband forgot our anniversary. Sometimes it doesn't work out to celebrate them on the day though, but he should be able to show that he remembers them on the day, even if you don't celebrate until later in the week.
I'm the anniversary forgetter in my marriage. Heck, I rarely remember what today's date is, let alone if it's something important I should be remembering. Hubby's the anal "planner-scheduler-cleaner" in our relationship, and I'm the creative, absent-minded, messy one.
I'm very glad that my husband doesn't get pissed that I forget his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine's Day.... It isn't that I don't love him, quite the reverse. Every day is special to me, so I don't really anticipate "special dates" the way we're generally expected to (ok, the real reason is that I'm terribly absent-minded, I can never find my keys, and I'm always losing my purse - to the point that I no longer even carry one, and I write endless lists to help me remember, and then lose the lists).
Anniversaries and birth days aren't all that important to my husband either, but he knows that I feel bad if I forget, so he starts reminding me about a month in advance.
In fact, today he reminded me that our anniversary is coming up (November 2) and he asked me if I wanted to do anything special. I said, "yes, let's go somewhere nice for dinner, but no gifts (our budget is very tight).
Because I've always been a date-forgetter, I've never understood the time-honored stereotypical wifely tradition of "testing" the forgetful husband.
If you know your husband forgets dates that are important to you, why would you not remind him a week or two in advance and then again a few days before the date?
I've never understood the "say nothing, and then hold a grudge."
Of course, being a forgetter myself, I don't view remembering an anniversary (or even being aware of today's date) as a sign or proof of love and devotion.
One year my husband and I both forgot our anniversary until half-way through the day. And we'll be married only 9 years this November. It isn't because we don't care about each other, we just don't care about commemorating "dates."
I'd rather have a "just because" gift on a random day, than an "obligation gift." Of course, I wish I didn't get birthday presents from family members, because it's so hard for me to remember everyone's birthday.
This year I gave my sister's sons (ages 3-11) birthday gifts all on the same day (and their birthdays are all in different months), because I had forgotten their birthdays (I was late for two of the boys and early for the other).
It's really hard to change personality traits, even when you want to. I forget to rinse the dishes before I put them in the sink - and I forget to close cabinet doors, drawers, and tend to leave lights and the tv on... It caused a lot of problems in our marriage at first. I tried to change, and I've gotten better - but I still forget. And not because I don't love my husband, but because change is hard, and it's very easy to fall into old habits.
It's also easier to get angry than to forgive, but it's so important. Because when one person holds a grudge, the other person will find an equally valid issue to hold a grudge over. And grudge upon grudge makes the marriage a battlefield.
And nothing fuels a grudge more than the silent treatment.
I will say you have a major communication issue going on here. You can't expect your husband to be in your head and know what you need. I agree that you need counseling, if not for both of you then just you for now.
Oh dear, you sound miserable. He's probably miserable as well. Living together is hard, you have to work out lots of things on your own that no one ever taught you. Forget everything you've ever learned from TV and film, for start, as they'd go out of business if they showed anything other than highly dysfunctional relationships (often tarted up to look romantic). One thing it sounds like the two of you need to learn is that neither of you is a mind-reader (another great myth of our society). If you sense that something is wrong, you have to ask about it, and you have to ask explicitly. Vague phrasing won't work. If it's something you feel uncomfortable talking about, such as sex or another highly sensitive topic (money can be a big one), then it's going to be even harder work.
Something my partner and I had to learn was how to sulk properly. There's good sulking, and there's bad sulking. Productive sulking is when you have an argument and one person stomps off before the argument gets too bad. They go for a walk, mentally running through all the nasty things they shouldn't be saying to their beloved, and they work off their resentment. Then they come home, and there's a little tap at the bedroom door, and they say, "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I don't want to fight with you, and I love you. Can we sort this out?" Bad sulking is when you hold onto a grudge for ages, expecting your other half to work out what's wrong and what you'd like them to do via telepathy, and also hold onto an unrealistic idea of how it's all their fault and how they should make it up to you.
After saying all that, there is far more to a relationship than this stuff, crucial as it is. Even if there's blame on both sides, he's being quite unpleasant over a few things, and you're right to be worried. I'd be absolutely horrified if my partner was behaving like this, and we're dealing with major illness on my part and major job stress on his. We've been together for five and a half years, by the way, and living together for four. We've had to learn a huge amount in that time, and we've got much better at a lot of things.
Could I ask more about your background? Two bachelor's degrees at your age is surprising, could you tell me more? Do you come from a family which put you under a lot of pressure to achieve academically? More to the point, did you come from a family with good relationships, particularly between your parents? My parents had a terrible relationship, so I had no model to work from and grew up listening to them always trying to score points off each other. (My first serious relationship was really not a good one, and I'd gone straight for a man who was terrible for me.)
You mention that you waited. Was this for religious reasons? Could you tell us more about your religious background? Is it something you believe in strongly, for instance, and does he? Is sexual repression a big part of the culture you come from? Unfortunately, that tends to cause problems in sexual relationships, and you can end up with really sad situations such as someone who is gay marrying a member of the opposite sex in the hope that it will magically work (it doesn't). It can also be what's behind someone getting used to violent porn, although to be honest I'm still not seeing that as a good thing. (Calling each other "slut" and so forth works for some people, but there's a certain context for that sort of thing, and your marriage evidently isn't it.) It certainly doesn't encourage talking to each other about sex, something that most people from more sexually open backgrounds find difficult as well. I gather that you edited this post to remove some details, which incidentally is a wise choice, you're better off not putting too much on an open forum on the internet. Anyway, I'm also wondering about how bad the sex may have been apart from the name-calling, how focused you both were on giving each other pleasure and how much you know about what gives you pleasure. Moving slightly away from sex, do the pair of you cuddle and snuggle much? Do you touch each other a lot, or not much, and is it something you love doing?
Lastly, do you still feel that you love him? Do you feel that he loves you? Could you tell us some things that you love about him?
You know, I got a different impression from your opening post than others did. You never said that your DH was into porn and verbal abuse for kicks. You just said that he called you a specific name -- and the meaning of that name is what struck me.
So, you waited to have sex until you were married to this man. You didn't say you never had sex with anyone else before that. But even if you did, some problems can still occur ... especially, if he was a virgin (or not), and expected you to be.
I have heard of this happening before (as I was a counsellor) -- where expectations were dashed or just misunderstood. I know girls that have used tampons before they ever had sex, which can make it appear that they may have had sex before, even when they hadn't. I have heard men make unkind and unfounded accusations to their partners; which hurt them very much.
Sometimes the girl had a previous sex relationship that she regretted so she just didn't tell her new partner about it. Then he found out after they were married and was very angry (for being lied to). I'm not saying that happened in your case as you didn't say, but it does happen a lot more than you might expect. Then the girl thinks her virgin husband won't know the difference but sometimes he does becuz he has read a lot of stuff about it before marriage in preparation for it. Or he may have experience already himself.
Also, sex in the beginning doesn't always go as planned; it can be difficult for physical reasons, unpleasant even (as in painful), or unfulfilling -- until BOTH partners have gained some knowledge and experience together; it takes time. Sex can be wonderful for both of you (with a caring & loving & respectful partner). For help with this, you should talk to a doctor.
You MUST talk to each other; you MUST forgive each other; you need to get some help -- as in counselling from a doctor, and/or marriage counsellor. Too bad you don't have a women friend or relative that you could talk to in confidence (like a married sister, aunt, mother, or even grandmother).
Dr. Jessica Anderson said this "Love (marriage) isn't perfect; it's about caring enough to make the imperfect moments work (better)." You've only been married 6 months, but if anniversaries are important to you -- remind him. If neatness is important to you; maybe take over the chores that matter the most to you (my DH & I did that and it works for us).
You will find that for every thing you have in common, there will be ten things that are opposite. You will have to learn the art of compromise and how to negotiate fairly and kindly. Hopefully your differences will compliment each other so that you can make a good team as long as you work together not against each other.
No, men are not MIND-READERS and no, they don't have all the answers either; sometimes the lady (and you are a smart one) will have to help him out. That's what partners do. Don't waste time and energy on the BLAME GAME -- move on and get this stuff settled NOW. Don't wait until someone wants out.
Everything here is fixable; you both need to be creative and find practical solutions. If you need an apology, tell him; if he hurt you -- tell him. Then forgive him. You will have to forgive each other thousands of times during your marriage. You are both young, and this is just the beginning ...
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 10-09-2011 at 07:03 PM.
If a miss someones question, I am sorry. Not deliberate.
Yes I love him. He loves me. This isn't quitting time for the marriage. That for me doesn't mean that I just have to forgive and forget. I spent most of my teenage years compensating for my mother's inadequacies. I refuse to let this go until I actually feel like moving on. Currently he is doing more, but not enough. And only does something if I remind him. I don't want to take him by the hand on this one, I came into the relationship as an adult and he should be able to follow suit.
Yes two bachelors by 23 (24 now) is unusual. I went to uni a year early and took a huge number of papers. I was actually signing release of liability for each year, they don't normally let people take so many papers. I have all the trappings of someone who has their act together. It is just my weight that screams out my issues. I wouldn't say I was put under a huge amount of pressure, I just has an overwhelming need to please others. Think like neurotic Labrador levels. I am, much, much better at this now. Historically my family relationships are the things people go into counselling for. If I were to draw a picture of my family it would involve a lot of Venn diagrams, this person won't speak to that person. That person sued that other person etc...
I waited until marriage as *for me* it seemed the best way to manage all that I had going on in my life. I won't go into details as people tend to think I am prescribing a lifestyle choice. It wasn't a religious decision.
I am very, very hurt. Again without getting graphic, ( a mod sent me a very nicely worded pm with some suggested replacements) up until that point it was sweet, roses candles etc...I get that others like name calling and those sorts of things. They are usually done by mutual agreement and NOT for someone's first time.
My husband does have good qualities. He works 10-12 hours days on a regular basis without complaining. He doesn't have a bad temper, he knows how to do lots of blue collar stuff I wouldn't even know what to call. He has a great family, he gives lots of hugs and is just the right size. 4 inches taller than me.
I refuse to let this go until I actually feel like moving on. Currently he is doing more, but not enough. And only does something if I remind him. I don't want to take him by the hand on this one, I came into the relationship as an adult and he should be able to follow suit.
I've been reading this thread and your latest post actually is what made me want to comment.
Ok, so you were hurt. You've attempted to make him bring it up and he hasn't.
This is my impression here:
The issue is YOURS - not his. Obviously, if he wanted to bring it up, he would. Since YOU have the issue with what happened, why must you wait for him to bring up something he clearly doesn't feel is important? If you have an issue with someone, or something someone did, isn't it your responsibility to bring it up with them?
Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but this is mainly your issue right? You're the one that was hurt.
To me, it sounds like he does not CLEARLY understand what you're upset about or even has an idea that you ARE upset if you haven't brought it up again.
Men, and I apologize to the male members here, tend to be a bit oblivious about things. You can't give them subtle hints or even blatant hints. Many of them need DIRECT discussion: "Hey, you hurt me when you said this or that and I'd like to talk about it right now and I'd like (insert whatever it is that would make YOU feel better)."
Waiting for him to approach a subject that has likely slipped his mind while holding a grudge and probably behaving in a manner that you ARE holding a grudge (which is likely not helping improve intimacy between you two) means you'll likely be waiting a LONG time and doing further damage to your young marriage than you want.
Harsh as it sounds, I think it's time to suck it up and confront him about it (in a non-confrontational/nonjudgmental) way and make him have the discussion.
Lastly, try not to put your mother issues on him. They're 2 separate people and I know that may be hard to do, but give him the courtesy of treating him like your spouse and not loading that baggage onto him.
I apologize if this all sounded harsh, I tend to be more blunt than I'd like sometimes. :S
SAMANTHA ~ I hope you didn't think that I (we) meant that it was OK that your husband called you that name; becuz I would have been hurt and/ offended by it too. I wouldn't tolerate any such thing -- so I would suggest that when you do talk about it, you also draw some "boundaries" on your relationship.
My boundaries are talking and acting in a kind and respectful manner; and taking my feelings, beliefs, and concerns into consideration. These boundaries were set from the get go; better to get these things settled early on.
My mother always told us girls to CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY -- meaning, focus on the big stuff and let the small stuff go ...
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 10-08-2011 at 07:43 PM.
You will have to learn the art of compromise and how to negotiate fairly and kindly. Hopefully your differences will compliment each other so that you can make a good team as long as you work together not against each other. 
