You asked for honesty

What you complain about and your reaction to a rather overwhelming majority of people who suggest that you could view things differently to make your life a little better indicates that you are likely big part of the problem you are experiencing yourself.

Part of growing, as a person, is the ability to step back and realize that perhaps you could use some self improvement and that you are part of the problem. Because quite frankly, you certainly are. You are giving us "your side" of the story and it STILL comes off like you are causing things to be the way they are.

As for the gift thing, I actually do agree with you on that, I don't think that was acceptable. Maybe I missed it - did you explain to them that this was hurtful to your child? Bottom line is that nobody is perfect and sometimes people don't know they are in the wrong until they are told flat out - them... and you.

I admit, I stopped reading responses after 2 pages of the same thing. GeeBee, the people who responded just don't get it. I think I do.

Somewhere on this site, I responded with a definition of true friend. My best friends and I have a name for it - we are each other's "Ruth's".

What is a "Ruth"? Ruth is a woman in the Bible who stayed by her dead husband's mother's side through thick and thin because they were friends, to put it extremely abridged.


A Ruth is there for you in hard times. A Ruth stays with you after hard times have passed. A Ruth is there to genuinely celebrate successes with you and without jealously.

I believe you are about to discover that Dee is not your Ruth.

My "friend", Bebe (not her real name), became my closest friend the year I moved here. Shortly after, she was there to hold my hand through the demise of my marriage. She introduced me to another friend, Shamy (not her real name), we all were pretty happy being friends.

Before I moved out and filed for divorce, I suspected Shamy was involved with my husband. I asked her. She denied. I discussed it with Bebe, she told me NEVER would Shamy do that.

I moved out, divorced. That week, I was able to confirm Shamy was, indeed having an affair with my husband. (Not the cause of the divorce, for the record).

Imagine my dismay that Bebe was still friends with Shamy! I thought she was my Ruth. But I, like the many posters here, decided to be an adult about it and let that go. I remained friends with Bebe for 2 more years, but could not remain friends with Shamy. Shamy and I had our "break up" friend discussion and I cut her loose.

Bebe continued to juggle being friends with both of us and all were respectful not to use Bebe for info on the other. Until one day, Bebe ignored me. WTH? It turns out, Shamy had told Bebe outright LIES about me. Shamy even told my KIDS outright lies about me. Bebe believed her, without even coming to me. When we talked it out several months later, Bebe apologized for believing Shamy and for not realizing how the lies could harm my kids.

But Bebe continued to be friends with Shamy. What to do? Continue to be the mature adult and let friends be friends, blah blah blah?

No. This mingling of friends had the potential to hurt my kids. I broke up friendship with Bebe, honestly, the night she crashed my birthday party. This "friend" came uninvited to a party my "Ruth's" threw for me so she could "apologize". I accepted her apology and told her I did not want her in my life and that she should move on.

I'm sorry this was so long, but I wanted to display how I can empathize with your situation, and show how "rising above" has the potential to be very harmful.

I totally disagree with the other posters.

I'm sorry for your situation, but it's toxic. Leave the group.

But even if she dumps the friend, she still has her SIL, the original nemesis, to contend with on a frequent basis. Since her nemesis, the SIL, is in no way a serious threat to her family (ie. affair, physical assault) then it would be wise to attempt to soften their relations with each other. I suggest reading her updated posts as to WHY they don't get along - respectfully, I don't think it is in any way comparable to the devastating acts of your Shamy. It's 100% repairable, but the OP needs to accept her own faults in this.

Sometimes what looks like "follow-the-poster" is just a general consensus. If I ask folks to be honest and tell me when I'm doing something wrong, I may not like the answer--but if they all concur, I do have to take a deep breath and re-assess my role in creating or fostering the problem.

If you don't like them, you don't have to have anything to do with them. You can control that. The flip side of that decision, though, is that you have to deal with its consequences. If you cut yourself off from your guy's family, you will have to deal with fallout and drama, some of which might be severe.

You can control your contact with these people, but you cannot control others' contact with them. That includes Dee and all your other friends. You may not like it and people on other boards may say otherwise, but when it comes down to it, telling other adults that they can't socialize with X or Y will only make them sever contact with you, not with X or Y. The name of the thread is "Please be honest," and that's about as honest as I can get.

I wish you luck; it really is tough to deal with in-laws you dislike. I feel for everyone involved in this situation, because it can't be fun for any of you.

I think the reason why people here are giving you the answers that you don't necessarily want or agree with is because this is a weight loss forum. Weight loss relies very heavily on personal responsibility. If you don't take resonsibility for your life and your weight, you can't lose it because that makes it not your fault, and therefore, powerless. Here, we empower ourselves. I think you have an opportunity to do just that. You can either change how you interact with your sister in law, you can grow some thicker skin, or you can do nothing and continue to be miserable. Your friends aren't going to just leave your sister in law as friends over petty family tribulations, and if you count on them to do that, I don't think that's being a fair friend. At the very least, why choose to let it bother you? Just ignore that stuff. By doing that, you place the power with you and take it away from them. You aren't powerless, here.

SO VERY TRUE

While 3FC is one of the most tactful and gentle weight loss boards, "take responsiblity for your emotions because no one else can" is part and parcel of successful weight loss.

All of us have ten thousand reasons (90% of them are very good ones) for not having lost the weight. We've often been deeply hurt by friends and family, and have had to say "it doesn't matter who's fault it is, only I can fix this."

People are imperfect, and many are hurtful and petty. Usually it's unintentional ignorance, sometimes it's petty lashing out because they don't have the skills to do better.

You have every right to hold a grudge, but when you hold grudges it only makes it easier to hold more. Soon everyone is mean and out to get you, and anyone who won't agree with you is ganging up on you.

Most of us could easily "top" your examples of your SIL's pettiness with examples from our own friends and family (some of them displaying not just pettiness, but pure evil).

Heck, most of us (if we're really honest with ourselves) can give you far worse examples of what we did to someone else intentionally (not because we're bad people, but because we're human, and we don't always act as nicely as we should to one another).

My brother and I were adopted, and we had relatives who showed clear preference to the "real" nephews, nieces, and grandchildren. But we also had relatives who showed clear preference for the girls in the family than the boys or the boys over the girls - or over one relative's children over another. All of us were in at least one "preferred" and in one "rejected" list. Mostly we were taught to forgive, though some relatives held grudges (but were just as guilty as anyone else as dishing it out, so it really only made them hypocrites).

We had one relative who made it a point to never buy us anything we asked for on the Christmas lists she'd ask us to write (and we'd get to watch cousins open the gifts that we asked for). The best chance of getting something we actually wanted was to tell her how "stupid" we thought the toy was if we saw it on a comercial.

My own dear grandmother who lived with us, and whom my brother and I both loved (despite the unfairness) strongly preferred the girls over the boys. The girls got more attention and better gifts than the boys. Sounds terrible until you learn (which we did as young children) that her parents treated the sons like royalty and the daughters were physically abused and treated like dirt - the boys even ate first, and if there wasn't enough food left for the girls, they didn't eat. And coming from a poor family of 15 children, that often meant the girls didn't eat.




You can choose not to forgive anyone (including all of us) but the less forgiving you are, the fewer friends you have, because perfect friends and friends who are never selfish and petty (and yet are willing to put up with our selfishness and pettiness) aren't only rare, they don't exist.

I think (as you suspected) your friend is doing this on purpose. She's trying to mend fences between you and your SIL, because she's a peacemaker (I know the type, I'm one myself). She sees the pettiness and thinks you both are mature enough and good enough at heart to be able to get past this.

You can either prove her right, or wrong.

As is her way, Kaplods hit the nail on the head.

I do appreciate all the responses. I know y'all are only hearing one side, my side but thats what I'm needing advice on is my side. Anyway I'm not defensive at all.... its just frustrating when you post something and then it becomes a gang up because most everyone wants to agree with each other. Anyway I've been talking it through with Dee and it came out today that she was trying to be the peace maker.... she realizes thats not her place... her words not mine, I just listened. It all came out when I called her to apologized for having a mini freakout (hahaha) anyway I think we are all good. Apparently it also didn't take longer then 30 minutes for the group of girls to back away from her because of the complete difference in lifestyles they have with her. The nightclub she picked for her party is a local gang hang out.... my friends are in no way interested in that lifestyle. Thats another fear I had having SIL/SOS (whatever you want to call her) hang out with this group... the lifestyles just don't fit.

ANYWAY I posted this on 3 different boards I frequent because I wanted to get honest opinions from 3 different demographic groups. I found that the Mom's group was extreemly sympathetic with situation when they excluded my daughter. And yes... they knew it was a joint party... it was on the invite. The general womans board didn't respond to much but they were helpful and the weightloss board.... y'all.... hmmmmm well I've learned my lesson here hahahahahah!!!!!!!

Thanks though cause the first page of responses really really helped... it didn't go downhill until the comment about her not even being my SIL came up. BUT YES, I asked for honesty and thank you, I appreciate getting it. Thats the beauty of message boards, you most likely will get honesty even when you don't ask for it... in this case I did.

Sorry y'all can't sympathize with lookin out for your kids feelings... that to me means more then caring about someones feelings getting left out of a friendship group any day. The kids are off limits no matter what.

Anyway thanks again

I can absolutely sympathize with looking out for your kids' feelings, that's what moms are for! What I can't sympathize with is holding a grudge over it and thereby teaching your kids that that's the appropriate response when you are slighted (however maliciously.) It's our job to teach our kids to turn the other cheek and live a joyful life in spite of other's actions... we can only control our response to others, we can't control their action.

I'm glad things are working out ok, I hope that these women turn out to be the group of friends you're searching for!

Don't start assuming something. My kids KNOW NOTHING. I have never once said a word to them ever. Please, just because I said be honest doesn't mean its open season to start assuming. Okay... lets be clear on that. My reasons are because I don't want my kids hurt by them. Period.

I didn't see any type of band wagon. People from the beginning were not "on board" with you dictating who your friends can and can not be friends with.

Due to concerns expressed by several members, we have decided to close this thread.

I'm sure the OP is appreciative of the feedback received from every angle and we wish her the best of luck in this difficult situation.