There are a lot of people who read these boards. Some are way smaller than others. Some are way bigger than others. Mostly we all cohabit pretty nicely, but every once in a while, there are posts about how disgusting and vile and insupportably ugly the poster feels at X00 or X50 pounds, how the original poster can't even bear to leave the house or look down at herself while bathing or whatever because she's just so torn up about how hideous an X00-pound body is.
When I see these posts and realize that the person posting them is my size or smaller, I kind of want to pull someone's hair out (mine or the poster's, I don't know which). Even when the person posting is larger than me, I think about all the beautiful, lively, happy women who are the poster's size who've just been insulted by proxy and indirectly told that they should feel too ashamed to leave home.
I feel hot--yes, at my current weight--and get a little peevish at reading about someone's horrible fate for being trapped in a body as small or smaller than mine. If you are describing yourself as a whale at X00 or X50 pounds, what have you just said about the person who is Y00 or Y50? Am I delusional for feeling sexy as **** in my current incarnation? Is my husband blind?
On the other hand, I know we're all different. Someone who's comfortable at X50 might feel great at X00 while another might have to shed more before she feels okay about herself. It's good that people can come here and express their thoughts freely and without censure. Maybe I'm just being hypersensitive to that kind of thing.
And of course I don't have to read or respond to posts I dislike. I don't like to pass up the "Help me!" type posts, but when I open one and it's a litany of how disgusting and miserable the poster is at half my weight, well...I can't really help with that, considering the poster apparently feels that I should be pelted with rotten vegetables until I drag my vast bulk back into the house and away from decent people's view. Yeesh, sorry I even tried to help. :P
Whew, I feel better just for venting a little. Like a lot of us, I'm guilty of negative self-talk occasionally, but sometimes it gets under my skin a little to see the same phrases written out on these boards, y'know? I think that's my problem and not other posters' problems, maybe, but it wouldn't hurt to be cognizant of how that stuff affects others, too.
Don't worry I know I feel that way sometimes and I'm sure plenty of other people do as well.
The strange thing is though that you said some of the people you are talking about are half your size. You are 200 now and I haven't seen very many 100 pounders running around here. lol!
I am larger then you both and my daughter just had me realize I am too large for my size..It all snuck up on me over the years and now I am reaping the rewards...A weight loss goal of 70 lbs...grrrr....I will be so mad at myself if and when i reach my goal and still feel the way I do about myself today.
hey hey jewelswa we both had a higher starting weight then you. don't act like we wouldn't understand being overweight. i was your weight two months ago.
Last edited by niafabo; 02-18-2011 at 11:18 PM.
Reason: grammar
Don't worry I know I feel that way sometimes and I'm sure plenty of other people do as well.
The strange thing is though that you said some of the people you are talking about are half your size. You are 200 now and I haven't seen very many 100 pounders running around here. lol!
Heh, you're right...that kind of brought me up short. Maybe in my head, I'm still thinking of the 250 I once weighed or the 232 I was when I started posting here.
I totally get that people with an extra ten pounds may be as unhappy about their weight as someone else might be with an extra hundred, but...bleh, I don't know, I just wish there were better words to express self-dissatisfaction without casting aspersions on others.
I think most of us, no matter what our size, know the feeling of "Hmph, I don't like what I look like in the mirror," but that's subtly different from saying, "A fat body is repulsive." I don't think so and I don't feel so about myself (most of the time), so when someone implies it is so, I get all "Grr, I am a pretty pretty princess!" about it.
I think we just have to remember that yeah it is upsetting to us when someone who is a good fifty or more pounds lighter than us posts thing like that. But then their post isn't about us.
They are posting about their issues and how they feel. for that post, their disgust has nothing to do with us. i just keep remind myself that when i get upset about it.
I remember feeling this way when I started and seeing frustrated 140 pounders with issue and thinking, "give me a break lady!" but now that i'm in that range... well, I get it. I still feel like I'm 200 pounds. I still have some of the same fears and worries. I still have a food addiction, I'm still terrified.
Yah im going to have to agree with the other posters..its not about you when there sharing there self-hate feelings..like me..Yah i hate my body and im not happy being fat..I used to be 180..but im..284 now ..and i remember what it was like being 180 and how i loved myself..so yah..of course im not gonna be satisfied..but just because i hate how i look in this fat suit, doesnt mean i dont see other people who are big or bigger than me as being ugly..I have a friend who is 300 something pounds and she is gorgeous..and to be honest and rather blunt..she wears her padding..in a vivacious sexy curvy way that i cant get away with.. i dont know how she does it..and to be honest.. i wish i had that self esteem and that ability to be sexy and big at the same time..but right now i just feel big..so..good for you for venting it out..cause i see people smaller than me all the time complaining about there body..but i guess it doesnt matter if your fat or not..there can always be something wrong with a persons body.
I definitely get that folks with lower weights than mine have concerns, just as I get that there are people at higher weights who do too. The fact that I posted about "people half my weight" now that I'm at 208 tells me that in my head, I'm still bigger than I am in the real world, so I do understand body image discrepancy.
I guess what I'm getting at is that there's a way to communicate one's own pain without putting it on everyone else. There's a big difference between "I really hate XYZ about my body" or "I'm having trouble controlling myself" or even "Blah, I feel fat today" and "Ugh, how can anyone possibly manage to lead a happy life while being this horribly terribly grotesquely huge?"
I accept that one person's definition of "oh, so fat!" is my goal weight and it doesn't even bug me. What does bug me, albeit just a little, is the implication that a particular weight is intrinsically unattractive rather than that an individual feels that she's unattractive at that weight.
It's the difference between "Ugh, I hate my red hair" and "Redheads are hideous." (Which is a totally fictitious example because I love my red hair and redheads are magnificent. )
I just realized being on calorie-count.com for a couple of years have left me desensitized to posts Nola was referring to because there were so many ED-related posts with young girls who were at a healthy weight. I wanted to pull my hair out every time I read their posts but now? Not so much, just more of then move on to the next post.
Nola- your hubby is NOT blind and you most definitely are NOT delusional! I feel the same way at my current weight. There are moments where I still check myself out, hahahaha.
Yeah, I understand. Sometimes I see posts like that and think "If you're 'gross' at that weight, what am I?" I feel the same way when smaller friends say things like that. It kind of hurts my feelings.
But, I really try not to take it personally. Most people don't judge others as harshly as they judge themselves. And even if they do, I don't care. I know I look fine. I like what I see in the mirror, so whatever. And really, not everyone states their feelings eloquently, and some people are just downright rude. It's annoying but its how people are. *shrug*
I don't think you're being oversensitive, because I DO think that people sometimes express their dissatisfaction with their own weight in a way that implies a judgement about a particular weight. But, I think when people are feeling down and out, frustrated with themselves, sensitivity of expression gets lost. I don't really think there IS any judgment of others (at least not in most cases), it just comes out that way. My boss is a gorgeous blond who weighs about 115 lbs., and one day she told me that she'd gained 5-10 pounds recently and felt "disgusting." She and I are very friendly and have been for years, and I knew in my heart she wasn't judging me as disgusting... but it was still kind of hard to swallow. And my empathy was pretty much non-existent .
I definitely get how you're feeling great about yourself where you are. I've lost less than 10% of my body weight, and I don't look even a tiny bit different yet, but I feel AWESOME about myself lately . My clothes fit way better, I'm sticking to my plan and doing something good for myself every single day, and it's making me more confident than I've felt in YEARS. I don't love my body yet, but I love that I'm making positive changes.
It's not to say I think anyone higher in weight than me are any of the words I'd use to describe myself. Being so self conscious about my weight for the past 8 years has made me very appreciative that we all come in different shapes, heights, widths and sizes and they're all beautiful.
I have never been able to apply a healthy and rational way of thinking about my weight so far, and 3FC is such a great support board since theres a real mix of people at different points in their weight loss.
So probably to some people I look slim and like I've got no right to feel bad about my weight, and that way of thinking makes it incredibly difficult to talk about weight worries with people I know in person. I simply get shot down as being 'stupid/oversensitive/obsessive'.
You said what Ive been trying to put into words for 4 months. I honestly stopped reading the boards because of this. I especially couldnt bare looking at the before and after photos because I was totally ecstatic to be where I was only to realize that everyone posting pics started 20 to 50 pounds less than where I was so happy to have gotten so far. I felt SO amazing when I lost the first 40 and then I see people feel disgusting at 20 lbs less than my current weight. Now that Ive lost 73 since October Im starting to read a little more since more people are closer to my current weight. I know that I feel amazing where I am today. Im currently 40 pounds less than what my ideal dream skinny was.
I think there are so many factors at play here for those posters, lots of which have already been touched upon. Personally, I'm with Shytowngal - I still feel really big sometimes, and it's only rarely that I can look in the mirror and see that I've lost ANY weight. You read that right - most days I still think I look like I weigh 180 pounds (the weight I maintained the longest). This is changing slowly now, but it certainly contributes to my occasional feelings of "I look so fat/bad/terrible/icky today."
Here's the thing about me that I'm learning through this, though. I've always thought that I had healthy self-esteem, but that was a big ol' lie I told myself. About some things, sure, I can acknowledge my abilities: I'm a good teacher, and have no trouble accepting compliments about that; I'm book smart, and don't mind showing off if I'm watching Jeopardy with friends ; I'm a fair musician, so if someone says they like my voice, great! But don't say I look pretty, or am beautiful. I've NEVER felt pretty or beautiful, in fact I've felt "ugly" most of my life since childhood, so that's not going to automatically change as I become a normal weight.
I'm willing to bet a lot of those posters have similar issues (although not all, of course - sometimes a bad day is just a bad day!). Their weight may affect their feelings, but really they're going to feel bad about themselves no matter what weight they are.
Another observation - sometimes posts like this remind me of those pretty girlfriends we have who insult themselves to get you to compliment them. You know what I mean: "Oh, my long, shiny, bouncy, never frizzy hair looks just awful today!" to which we are dutifully supposed to reply, "You look great as always!" That could occasionally be a factor. A little ego stroking is occasionally good, but yuck to getting it that way.
Finally, NolaCeleste, I envy you your confidence! You don't have a single thing to feel bad about, so don't!
Am I oversensitive?
What does bug me, albeit just a little, is the implication that a particular weight is intrinsically unattractive rather than that an individual feels that she's unattractive at that weight. 
then move on to the next post.
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