I've realized lately that most of the compliments I get from my man have to do with the stability and loyalty I provide, and it is really bumming me out. I am a teacher and he is a student and filmmaker, so I am really supporting us right now.
He likes to quote a coldplay song lyric ("honey you are a rock upon which I stand") when he is telling me why he loves me. I know he means it as a compliment, but I am getting really insecure about it.
We've been together four years now, and in the beginning he would talk about how I inspired him, that I was beautiful, etc.
Now I am developing this image of myself as his reliable, hardworking old horse or something.
It doesn't help that he just made a movie and cast a beautiful actress...and I actually studied theatre and was pursuing acting for a good while.
We had talked about it, I insisted I was okay with it, that I knew I was not right for the role, etc. But deep down inside it really ate at me.
I don't want to talk with him about it, because that kind of insecurity is very unattractive, but I am still unhappy about it.
Am I just being silly and oversensitive? I know I probably just need to work on my own self esteem.
to me, hardworking and reliable are good adjectives. It doesn't seem that weird to me you'd feel jealous, given the details. I'd say make sure you're pursuing what you want to do, your dreams, to the level you want -- I think resentments from that arena could carry over into the relationship and possibly make this situation feel more intense.
I'm always one for talking things out, but I think I'd suggest taking a little time to think about what's motivating your feelings before I mentioned it to him. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.
Feelings are always valid. They may not always make sense but how you feel is always valid. We can't really choose the emotions that overcome us, so it's best to figure out how to handle those emotions and be able to function. It sounds to me like you have a very loving man and partner. While he may word it in a way that isn't necessarily flattering to you, he means well and it's his way of showing his love and affection. I suppose if the lyrics/analogy really bothers you, perhaps kindly pointing that out and saying something along the lines of, "Saying you love me is enough".
In regards to this film making, which I know nothing about, I would say be open and express how you've been feeling. Talk it out with your partner because communication is so vital! It doesn't matter how you think you'll look or sound, if it's coming from the heart and you feel it's a genuine concern, I'm sure your partner will want you to talk to him about it as opposed to keeping it bottled up inside. Secondly, we all could use a little more self-loving and self-esteem. I could give myself a little more credit too. I think your first step is to at least tell your partner that you've been feeling a bit insecure. It's okay for the tables to turn and HE be your rock upon which you stand :]
You don't have to talk to him about how much this bothers you. Instead, maybe you could ask him if there's anything else about you that he values? Also, think about what you value in yourself. What have you always admired in other people when you truly think about it. When you examine your own ideals maybe that will shed some light on why you're not feeling confident in the relationship.
I used to feel very insecure with my husband. I never felt good enough for him and I used to think he could do better. Then, as time went on, I came to realize that this is exactly why I SHOULD feel confident...that of all the choices he had...it was ME he wanted to be with. I now feel very secure in our relationship and when I try to better myself it's more so that I can make myself feel good and for him to be even more into it.
I understand where you might be feeling that way, but to look at another example - Robert Downy Jr has credited so much of his success and ability to survive, basically, on his wife. However great they are as a couple, it doesn't mean she'd be the right one for doing a film with him, and vice versa. I bet she has had plenty of parts that go by her desk that she sees, and pictures another actor in the role- rather than her husband. I think RD Jr is great, but there are some films that just call for a different ...something... that can't be pinpointed, but just 'feels right'.
If he sees success as a film maker, this could come up more times in the future - if it were me, I'd talk to him about being more of a woman and less of a rock but I'd leave out the part of casting another actress. It could cause more tension with him balancing you and his career in the future. Look at it as a professional decision and not a personal one.
Thank you all so much for your perspectives. I really appreciate it, and it has helped me so much. I did think about what I value in others, and I realized that those things are what my fiance tells me he values in me. It really comforts me to realize that. I will tell him that I don't really appreciate the "rock" analogy, though.
Being someone else's rock can get to be a heavy burden, especially if they NEED you to be able to stand at all. My only advise is to be sure that you are not in that situation before you dive into marriage. It is not easy to be the rock in the marriage and then if you have a weak day things fall apart around you!
I have observed that people often compliment in others what they currently need/value the most.
That means although he does find you beautiful and inspiring and all sorts of other things....he has lately needed stability more, and your ability to provide it what is currently appreciates more.
Also, it is easy to get into the habit of making the same compliments.
Rather than telling him you hate being his rock, dont mention the rock - and talk to him about what you would like him to say ("honey, I really miss how you used to tell me how smart and gorgeous I am, it helped reinforce my positive self-image, can you restart that"...then kiss him passionately and viola!)
I am my fiance's "rock," and I hate it.
