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Old 03-06-2011, 03:23 PM   #16  
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For me, wanting to be married and a mom is something I have always wanted.

I do admit that lately I have being to accept that I may not get married, and while I feel sad about that, I would trade not being married if it meant I could still achieve my dream of being a mom. For a long time I just wanted to adopt. Now I want to adopt and have my own biological kids. My worry is that it seems like everyone else is on that path, and I am like, this dunce out in the woods. Sigh. I feel like if I fix other parts of my life (my weight, my finances, my career, my home), then, I will be more open to receiving the goodness of being a mom.

I am definitely not one of those people that wants a family just because everyone else is doing it. I really do feel like my life's calling is to be a mom. I have thought of the possibility of not being able to have kids (though, to be honest, I have never actually tried to get pregnant, just tried not to...ha!) and of leaving the country and doing something where I will be of use to others. Of course, I can be of help to others right in my own neighborhood. So, that is something I am focusing on as well.

I do feel like I need to be needed. I really do. I feel like I need to be needed, and, I have this huge capacity for love and care, and I need to care for others as a part of expressing myself.

A guy that I cared for (the mean guy I told you all about), said some very horrible things yesterday. Really horrible. So, I realize that me and him just cannot be friends, and I am ok with that. I think I do deserve to be treated with respect. Everyone doesn't have to like each other or get along, but, we should be kind to one another.

I guess I need to figure out why I let this person remain in my life after they hurt my feelings soooo many times. I mean, it was a constant thing from them, AND, we weren't even a real couple, ya know? Just dating. I need to figure out why I let my loneliness make me allow negative guys into my life. That is what I need to think about and work on.
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Old 03-06-2011, 08:48 PM   #17  
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I don't think there's any reason why you can't be married and be a mom, if that's what you feel is right for you

it seems logical to me that loneliness WOULD push you to accept behavior you normally wouldn't in another person. some of the things you write remind me of me when I was younger. I can't help feeling if you look for yourself and what brings out the best in you, and get those connections going with people in other ways and directions than romantic, you will feel more ready and find better partners and less at the mercy of others.

hang in there!
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Old 03-06-2011, 11:45 PM   #18  
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A guy that I cared for (the mean guy I told you all about), said some very horrible things yesterday. Really horrible. So, I realize that me and him just cannot be friends, and I am ok with that. I think I do deserve to be treated with respect. Everyone doesn't have to like each other or get along, but, we should be kind to one another.

I guess I need to figure out why I let this person remain in my life after they hurt my feelings soooo many times. I mean, it was a constant thing from them, AND, we weren't even a real couple, ya know? Just dating. I need to figure out why I let my loneliness make me allow negative guys into my life. That is what I need to think about and work on.
I think that can be the first step to really loving yourself. Your heart wants things at times that you don't need. Your mind tells you, "Hey, this guy is a jerk wad, dump him.", but your heart says, "I'm lonely now, what if no one else will ever want me? Lets keep him."
Cutting toxic people, (boyfriends, friends) out of our lives, and saying, "Hey, I am worth so much more." shows that you love and value yourself.
I know its corny, but you really have to be happy with yourself and accept who you are, cause no one else can do it for you.

Once you take that first step, it gets easier to take the others, and to stand up for yourself.

On a side note, have you ever considered foster care of a little kid? Or do you have a pet you can pour your care on?
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Old 03-09-2011, 12:16 AM   #19  
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I think that can be the first step to really loving yourself. Your heart wants things at times that you don't need. Your mind tells you, "Hey, this guy is a jerk wad, dump him.", but your heart says, "I'm lonely now, what if no one else will ever want me? Lets keep him."
Cutting toxic people, (boyfriends, friends) out of our lives, and saying, "Hey, I am worth so much more." shows that you love and value yourself.
I know its corny, but you really have to be happy with yourself and accept who you are, cause no one else can do it for you.

Once you take that first step, it gets easier to take the others, and to stand up for yourself.

On a side note, have you ever considered foster care of a little kid? Or do you have a pet you can pour your care on?
I think that if it turns out that I cannot have kids biologically, then yes, without a doubt, I will do foster care and adoption. I just worry about making enough money for an adoption agency or program to approve me. I was already planning on doing foster care or adoption while also having biological children. And yes, I am at the point in my life where I am open to the idea of just getting a sperm donor through a sperm bank, or maybe an ex-boyfriend who doesn't mind, that kind of thing.

I really have to work on loving myself. I still don't know how that is reflected in my actions, but, with the most recent guys I have dated, I feel like they have been really mean and somewhat abusive, and because I was so lonely and just wanting to talk to someone (my friends are busy, and sometimes I just wanted relaxed conversations), I put up with their treatment.

The guy who I dated recently who told me all this stuff about falling in love with me and would I go live with him in another state has been very verbally abusive. I cannot 100 percent blame him, because I keep allowing him to talk to me, or take him back into my life, even when he hurts me. Sigh. Even one of my most craziest exes never did some of the stuff this guy did, AND, me and this guy were not even really a couple, so, I don't know why I continue to allow this person to be mean towards me. Recently he told me he wouldn't want to be seen in public with me, and he sent me this really rude cursing text, and told me he had his roommate write it for him. Mind you, this dude is in his 40s! 40s! not highschool! sigh.

I do feel like when I started getting with him, I was in a funky part of my life and wanted a form of escapism and his texts and things like that helped me get through the boring days. But now, I just don't understand why he hates me as much as he does. I do realize it may not have anything really to do with me, and that he just found someone else he can live with, as he doesn't have his own pad. Yeah, I know.

I need to learn how to love myself. A friend said I could have my pick of men, but I just don't feel that way. I hear all the time from friends how they have men treat them nice, buy them drinks, etc. Right now, I feel like if I could have a guy buy me coffee and smile, that would be freaking awesome. Sigh.
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Old 04-29-2011, 01:54 AM   #20  
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I haven't figured out the meaning of life yet, but, I have been focusing lately less on dating and finding love, and more on improving my surroundings and myself and my career, all in the hopes of being overall happier.

Hopefully that happiness with attract the right person to me. I think my friend was right when she stated that because I am not feeling so good about myself, I keep attracting these mean kind of men (before the mean put-down guy, I dated a guy who was cool at first, but he was somewhat afraid to live on his own and had a somewhat co-dependent relationship with his "roommate", was in his early 40s, and had told me that he was ambivalent about knowing me. I won't even comment on how he tried to touch me in public in a way that was so not cool). I think my friend is right. I have been so down and in a sad place lately, that, I keep attracting men who just don't seem to really care for me at all.

Right now, I find that the progress I make in other parts of my life are easing my loneliness a bit and making me happy. I have been focused on the self-improvement aspect of my life, and that has been keeping me happy. I do think that the more I accomplish in getting myself to be the person I really want to be, the less I focus on whether or not I am spending a Friday night at home.

Big thank yous to everyone for being understanding and for giving me the advice that I really do need.
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Old 04-29-2011, 02:01 PM   #21  
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milliondollarbbw, I think you are on the right track. Years ago I used to feel the way you do now. After being in a serious relationship for 4 years that ended badly, I realized (not right away, but eventually) how lucky I am to have the independence of being single. I look at my friends who are married and have kids, and I am able to do all kinds of stuff that they never have the time or money for. I don't even want to date anymore because I don't think there is anything a man could add to my life to make it better. And, I never feel lonely like I used to, even though I spend a lot of time alone. Maybe because it's by choice now.

Best of luck to you in your own journey
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Old 04-29-2011, 06:42 PM   #22  
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I realized last year when life crashed with so much stress and I'd used up every "resilient" piece of me. I was DONE. I had no love left so I couldn't care if I bounced back. I realized I didn't care for myself. Most of the things that were causing stress ended or calmed down (work, kids, life). Picture a smashed super heroine pounded below the pavement, under a giant boulder and everyone looking hopeless.

Since December, I've been crawling out from under the boulder and back up to the street level. It's been four and a half months. I see how much I'd stopped caring about myself--emotionally, physically, spiritually. I've slowling been finding different things to do that really take care of me. Not just random things, but what really actually take care.

So, I'd say it's not WHAT you do, but WHY you do it. Also, it's the commitment to do that (fill in the blank) that makes you better and you do it even when your down in the dumps, not feeling good, or whatever because you know that if you let it slip you're heading down the drain--or back under the boulder, smashed to smitherines.
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Old 04-29-2011, 07:59 PM   #23  
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"So, I have often heard that you need to love yourself first before anyone else can love you."

Boy, I really had to think on this one. Everyone's repsonses have been really thought provoking. It's interesting to see how we all interpret this. I think we have similar ideas and different ways of saying similar things.

My interpretation is that it has something to do with self-respect, respect for others and integrity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by milliondollarbbw View Post
I really have to work on loving myself. I still don't know how that is reflected in my actions, but, with the most recent guys I have dated, I feel like they have been really mean and somewhat abusive, and because I was so lonely and just wanting to talk to someone (my friends are busy, and sometimes I just wanted relaxed conversations), I put up with their treatment.

I need to learn how to love myself. A friend said I could have my pick of men, but I just don't feel that way. I hear all the time from friends how they have men treat them nice, buy them drinks, etc. Right now, I feel like if I could have a guy buy me coffee and smile, that would be freaking awesome. Sigh.
I would apply my self-respect and respect for others theory to what you said above. If you accept, allow, or tolerate bad treatment from other people they will assume that you don't believe you deserve to be treated any better than that. Sounds corny, but I once heard either Oprah or Dr. Phil, not sure which one, say that we teach people how to treat us. I believe that whole-heartedly. I'm sure you wouldn't treat a best friend the way that guy treated you. If you value your best friends than you would treat them kindly. Wouldn't you? And, wouldn't you advise a friend to wait for the "right guy"? Try to think of yourself as being that worthy. You have every right to pick and choose who you let into your life. And when you decide you only have room and energy for people that treat you well, you might find that the right people show up.

I think that we go through phases of wanting relationships and wanting to be alone. Nothing wrong with that. But don't let the "want" be stronger than your own sense of self-worth and self-respect. The right person shows up when you are ready to recieve the relationship.

Treating yourself well, being healthy, putting yourself first, all those are important. But I think those things also fall under the umbrella of self-respect and in the end, respect for others. When you have all of your own ducks in a row you are better able to deal with the people around you and coming towards you (i.e. love).

Hope I don't sound too preachy, lol. Just got me thinking now!

Edited to add: Just realized the date of the original post! Wow, little late to the game!

Last edited by Gogirl008; 04-29-2011 at 09:06 PM. Reason: date of OP!
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Old 04-29-2011, 09:50 PM   #24  
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I totally agree with this, the vast majority of people are too involved in self love and not enough in serving those around them. I find that is where true joy comes from.

Self love or lack thereof seems to mostly manifest in negatively obsessive self views. Spending an inordinate amount of time beating oneself up or speaking to yourself in a way that would get another person punched - that is self hatred and burdensome. It is still self-involved and selfish, but not in a way that is beneficial to ANYONE, no even yourself. If you don't spend time regularly tearing yourself down, beating yourself up about current or past bad choices, or generally trashing your person for no purpose besides self castigation for perceived ills or defects....

.... then you're doing just fine and probably don't need to mull the subject further

I should add that I also agree with those who espoused balance. Most people are sickeningly selfish and materialistic, I have found, but there are those who feed off of service and 'usefulness' too much, gaining most of their identity from it and draining themselves dry. That's also not the answer. Balancing humility, self respect, and love of others is a life's work for most of us, but I find that is where it is at. In my lifei have had no trouble being selfish, so service is what I have needed to increase to personally grow and improve, but your mileage may vary based on your own personal strengths and weaknesses.
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OK, well, my opinion on this might not be what you were expecting but...

I don't think the vast majority of people have trouble "loving themselves". I think they love themselves too much and other people not enough. Most of us (myself definitely included) are selfish creatures. I look after my own needs and wants first, before anyone else. I don't think I'm all that different from the sibling who takes the cup with slightly more juice than the others. I love myself plenty.

IMO when people talk about not loving themselves, or having low self esteem, what they really mean is that they look at the decisions they've made in their lives and they're disgusted with themselves. But too many people just stay there; they don't DO anything about changing them. I think this is where not-loving-myself comes in.

I think there's a simple solution. If a person looks at him/herself and feels like they need to love themselves more... reach out to someone in need. Make a meal for a needy family... donate time/ money/ resources to those less fortunate... seek out a homeless person or someone who is elderly and could use a little help or encouragement. Not only does this help them (hopefully), but I think it also helps us respect ourselves and our decisions a little more. And yes, maybe make us a little less selfish.

OK, off the soapbox now LOL

Last edited by Arctic Mama; 04-29-2011 at 09:55 PM.
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Old 04-30-2011, 01:51 AM   #25  
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Today I felt pretty irritable and I didn't really watch what I ate. I have gotten more into the habit of stopping before I feel too full, and putting the leftovers in the fridge. Sure, it means I often end up throwing away uneaten food, but I think that is better than eating to the point of getting sick.

I have been trying to focus on accomplishing certain things that I want in my life, and that is keeping me happy. I found myself getting upset again today at some issues around inequality that happen around me. I find that it doesn't make me the nicest person, so, I really need to throw myself into focusing on my weight and achieving other goals in my life that I know will make me happy. It is hard at times because I start feeling resentful, AND, when you tie in that part of the inequality and favoritism is due to some looking down on me because of my size, it is really discouraging and disheartening at times.

I bought healthy food for the weekend, so my goal is to hopefully relax and lose a few pounds. I will also do some yoga this weekend at home as well. I am also going to try and take a couple of naps this weekend so I can re-charge my batteries and improve my health.
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Old 05-03-2011, 09:06 AM   #26  
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For me, loving myself means treating my
body with respect.

Coming from bulimia to fitness isn't
easy. Coming from seeing fat everywhere
to loving your legs that don't have a
thigh gap isn't easy either.

I just want to treat my body right.
And while I'm getting there little
by little, it isn't an easy road and
I'm learning to love myself more
every day. I love myself for making
better food choices, running, toning
up, etc.


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