I mean come on folks...isn't intent to cheat really just as bad as actually doing it?
I have to agree with you about this. For me, intent to cheat is as bad as cheating because you lose trust for your partner. One of my exes cheated on me a handful of times, and then started talking to other people (without physically cheating) while we were still in that strange together-ish phase. The emotional intent to cheat was just as hurtful as the physical cheating, and once the trust was gone I realized I could never be with her again.
Love is very complicated, but trust is black and white. For me, I can't be in a relationship without trust.
Granted, I'm only 23 and don't know much about love and/or functional, long term relationships
Last edited by BarristerGirl; 12-19-2010 at 11:17 AM.
I recommend the book Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher. One of the things it discusses are the differences in experiences between the dumper (more guilt) and the dumpee (less control). I think what is happening to you is what happened to me -- you are both the dumper and the dumpee. The guy wasn't strong enough to be the dumper so he manipulated the situation to make you the dumper, even though you feel the same rejection and anger and vulnerability as the dumpee. What ultimately helped me was to embrace the role of dumper and grab all of that control and power and strength so that I could create a better life for myself. And I did. So, good luck to you!
My ex and I are an unusual example of a "happily divorced" couple. He had a history of minor trust breaches, but in the summer of 2001 I found out a piece of information which shattered any remaining trust into a million pieces. We flopped around for about 6 months trying to see if we could make things work, but it became clear that the marriage was over.
Even the most amicable divorce in history was ****, but we're both much better off for it. We actually see each other (on purpose!) once or twice a year--in fact, I visited him for Thanksgiving. Neither one of us has any desire to get back together, which I think makes things less awkward.
Anyway...just saying that an amicable divorce where you get back to being friends, or at least cordial, is not impossible. Once you get through this, I honestly believe you will feel as if a burden has been lifted from you. Try to hang in there until then.
What a painful situation. I could not live with myself if I stuck around in a relationship, where I knew my partner was even simply talking somewhat intimately with someone else.
I would have no respect for him, I would always feel resentful and I would also lose respect for myself. For some reason, I have no patience or sympathy for this behavior.
These are my best words of wisdom. My favorite quote…
"In theory there is a possibility of perfect happiness: To believe in the indestructible element within one, and not to strive towards it."
Franz Kafka 1918
Perfect happiness is to believe in the indestructible element within you.
True wealth is not what you have; it's what you're left with when all you have is gone. This concept helped me through a very difficult time.
I'm only 24, I know nothing of marriage and complicated relationships. I have decided that I will not be cheated on.
I went through a tough time where I put on weight, crashed my college gpa, didn't want to get out of bed in the morning etc. It felt like a slap in the face to have my family do nothing but tell me what an f-up I am. They did not even pretend to believe in me. My parents did not tell me I have a lot to offer the world, they believe in me and my ability to turn things around. It felt like I have all these problems and on top of them my parents do nothing but scream at me. I felt completely alone, vulnerable and helpless. Now that things are better, I still remember that when things weren't going well my family kicked me when I was down.
I decided that if I get married, I will support someone going through a tough time rather than nag them about their problems and try to be right. The catch is that the second they cheat on me I am out. If this was not an emotional affair, it was at the very least disrespectful. Once trust is broken it's nearly impossible to get back. It does not seem like your husband is up to the task of climbing Mount Everest in order to reclaim your trust.
Lastly, while I went through my dark period I read a lot of spiritual/self help type books. A very common theme is that letting go of your ego and being right is a crucial step towards happiness. Humility is a powerful force and it finds you in the way that will best get your attention. Don't worry about being proud of your home and too proud to get a divorce; it will just make you unhappy. Make happiness your #1 priority.
Also don't be right. Don't have the attitude of my husband did x y and z and I am right. Just calmly look over the situation and focus on what it means going forward. Do your best not to say anything negative about your husband (or even hint at anything negative) to your kids. They will respect you for it a bunch later. I highly recommend the book "a new earth" by Eckhart Tolle.
Good Luck, you'll get through it and be in a much better place down the road.
Eliana,
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I can't imagine how difficult this must be with children involved.
That being said, you cannot stay with a man because he is depressed or even suicidal. The promise to help him get better is only valid if he is actively working on it himself. It sounds like he isn't there yet.
One of the things I have learned along my journey, is that some things are an "inside job" meaning that there are some things I had to realize for myself. People have helped, but ultimately, I have to do it myself.
Chldren are flexible. They deserve to see YOU be healthy and happy, rather than BOTH their parents miserable.
I hope things can work out for the best.
One thing I wanted to say is I was talking to someone recently who got a divorce and they said their relationship with their ex is a lot better now that they are divorced. Both parents have moved on to other relationships and the person I know is very happy.
My husband was also married prior to us getting together. I know some details of their marriage but they struggled a lot and his ex wife seemed very unhappy which made him unhappy. They ended up separating and then getting a divorce. I would hope my husband is happier now and I hope his ex wife is happy as well.
Personally, I think there is a point where you check yourself out of a relationship emotionally and when that happens, I'm not sure you can ever go back. It sounds like you have checked out. I think you can find your happiness in life but it doesn't sound like it includes your husband.
If it was me, I'd take the kids and leave. Go to my parents, or something. And not let him see them until he's stopped being such a depressive. God. That kind of attitude is NOT good for children.
Or kick him out. That's what my mum did to my dad when she found out he was a lying, cheating good-for-nothing bum. Screw the house. Your own personal wellbeing and that of your kids is more important than bricks and mortar. And screw him, it sounds like you know what you're doing and he's just... lying there suffering from apathy.
But then again, I don't believe in trying to fix relationships when they're broken. One strike and they're out in my book.
My perspective, a house is a 'thing'. How you are emotionally is much better than any material item you can have. It seems like it would be better for both you and your husband to move on. How do you do it? One day at a time, one step at a time.
This is so true. I loved my house, too, when I got divorced but I quickly learned....a house is just a building, but a home is where my kids and I live. You will learn to love another house, and the pressure of not being in an unhappy relationship will be like a weight off your shoulders.
The kids were my biggest worry, too, and they are the only reason I sometimes regret divorcing. I didn't want them to grow up in a cold, unhappy home (like I did) so that weighed into my decision. I don't know which is the worst--growing up in a home where there is coldness between your parents, or having them divorce. That is a choice only you can make.
I wish you well. It's a difficult decision, but one I have very few regrets about. I wish you the very best, I really do.
I read your posts all the time, Eliana. I'm really sorry to see you going through such a hard time. Just wanted to say I'm sending you all the good wishes I can, and best of luck with everything.
This has been a long time coming, and I wondered sometimes what you would end up doing, if either you or your husband forced the issue, and a crisis finally ensued. I mean a sudden, world-shaking crisis, rather than the long, drawn-out one you've been enduring. I did not think he would, from how you've described his condition.
You're one of the people on the forum whom I've thought occasionally about while away from my laptop. Of course, we only get part of the story here, but the bits & scraps that I did get made me think that your situation was untenable, and I was hoping for a change for the better for you, but did not know how that change would come about.
I have confidence in your ability to take action here. Because you already have, in so many ways. You were the one who looked up & said one day, "My life isn't working. I need to make a change." And your weight, of course, was something well within your control: Your own body, your self. Once a woman gets a taste of power & her ability to take control & make changes, how can she stop? She just HAS TO take a look around her & see what else in her life isn't working. Also, I think you were making yourself strong & healthy for a reason: To be prepared for what might be coming, when you'd need that strength. And yes, as a role model for your children.
Your husband appears to be entertaining an escapist daydream. To go back to a former sweetheart, whom presumably he knew before the marriage, before becoming a father, a husband, a guy with a house & mortgage & monthly bills, to reboot one's life ... it's a nice dream, but hard to realize, once you are responsible for other peoples' lives, like your children's. If he is crushed by the weight of his depression, he's probably looking to shrug off some of what he perceives as an unresolveable burden. Yes, the magical new girl -- well, not new, the One That Got Away, the Road Not Taken -- will cure it all. But this is a kind of regression, rather than a sign of growth.
Based on your posts in this thread, and in others before it, I do think you two are growing in different directions.
Hang in there, Eliana.
I think you can. I think you're a lot stronger than you probably were a year ago today. In so many ways.
If it was me, I'd take the kids and leave. Go to my parents, or something. And not let him see them until he's stopped being such a depressive. God. That kind of attitude is NOT good for children.
I have to jump in and say that it's not as simple as stopping being depressed. Some people have chemical imbalances that need correction via therapy and drugs. My fiance's father has paranoid schizophrenia, and he'll always be like that and it's brought on by stress. Of course, he refuses to be treated and take meds because he doesn't think he's sick.
I have to ask, Eliana, how long as he been depressed for? Why have four doctors said that he's untreatable? And if you don't mind me asking, why have you wanted out for a long time?
If it was me, I'd take the kids and leave. Go to my parents, or something. And not let him see them until he's stopped being such a depressive. God. That kind of attitude is NOT good for children.
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Unfortunately, in this case maybe, that is called kidnapping.
