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Old 10-21-2010, 11:57 AM   #1  
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Unhappy How do I stop hating people for no reason?

*DISCLAIMER* First of all, I'm looking for support and suggestions. I'm not trying to be rude or start an argument. This is something that i've recently become aware of and genuinely want to change.

I guess as a fat person for most of my life, I sort of developed this as some sort of 'defense mechanism.' I have such hate inside me for people whom I've never even met. It's *mostly* towards other females, but there are a few males that i've hated for no reason as well.

Let's use the gym as an example. I recently moved back to my hometown from Idaho due to my husband getting deployed. So I joined up at my favorite gym and started attending workout classes. In my mind, I perceived people giving me dirty looks. When they were whispering to eachother I immediately think they are laughing or talking about me. There's this one lady that has NEVER done anything rude to me at all, but I hate her. All she does is walk into the class, take her spot and workout and leave when shes done. Her face just looks so mean to me, and even though we've never even said hi to one another i dislike her. Then there's this other lady. I like to call her 'miss elite athlete' because she is on the stairmaster before weight training class and she stays on there until the very last second (when the instructor closes the door to the workout room) then she comes flying in wearing short shorts and a tank top strutting her overly tan but very fit body to the front of the class and takes a spot. Then after the hour long class she rushes back to the stairmaster and is on there during the in between time for the next (cardio) class to start. She then repeats the process of waiting until the instructor closes the door etc etc. Then after THAT class she's back on the stairmaster and is still on it when i leave from taking my shower. I guess I hate her because of how good she looks in short shorts??? Idk! It was coming to a point where even after my 2 favorite workouts, I would be so irritated and angry at these people even when they've NEVER done anything to me! I would be pissed just because they were there. Makes no sense.

For one thing, after explaining all of this I feel like a crazy person so sorry if this is just incoherent rambling.

And any female that ever even stands within 2 feet of my husband...forget about it! I hate them more than anything. Since he is military and has to work with all sorts of people even ::gasp:: females, this is especially ridiculous of me. Now obviously I'm not the most self confident person in the world, so there are some self image issues and what not with this situation. Even if he is taking a training class where 90% of the class is male and there are maybe one or 2 females, and the whole class goes out to eat to celebrate something like oh, graduation, I will hate the females. this is ridiculous and I hate myself after talking about this.

I don't want to hate anymore. I'm tired of all the bitterness and irritation I have for no reason. I'm tired of hating someone just because they didn't say hi to me. Maybe I should take the initiative and say Hi first! Sheesh....

What brought all this realization on was hubby and I were talking last night. And he is good friends with a guy who married a stripper. (of course I instantly hate her ugh) He said something about her only he used her name (like normal people do) and I was like "who's that?" he said "so and so's wife" and I say "Oh, the stripper." And that just set off a discussion. He brought up a lot of good points about the golden rule and if I don't have a positive attitude about other people and treat others kindly then how can i expect the same. All very valid points but all I could see last night (in my blind hatred) was him defending her. Even though he stated that she's the wife of a good friend and he wouldn't let anyone else bad mouth or disrespect me.

So that's my long rambling and I hope someone out there can help me and give me some tips on how to practice daily non-hating. Thank you all for reading.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:12 PM   #2  
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That's a tough one. Maybe forgive them for being humans and love them for no reason? I am not being a smart arse but it's the best way I can think to replace the negative feelings. Most people are doing the best they can although some are just straight up *****es but we can just never tell by looking so it's best to use the benefit-of-the-doubt rule.

Don't worry if you don't like me now, I am best taken with a grain of salt and shot of tequila...
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:17 PM   #3  
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i have to totally admit that i would be ultrapissed if my husband took up for some other woman like that..sorry, i wouldve asked him why he cared so much.

*sorry that i wasnt much help!!!*
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:30 PM   #4  
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Hey,

I know where you are coming from. I am in the same boat, i have found myself disliking people for no reason on many occasions. I also tend to go insane if i find out my future fiance is out with some girl - even though he has known her longer , blah blah. It is difficult because being a Dr. he is going deal with women all the time and I have to learn to deal with it.

As far as the random people go, I just try to reason through it. If i see a lady and i instantly dislike her, I try to think about what it is about her that i dont like. Usually at this point i realize that she has said or done nothing offensive and that helps me calm down a little and not hate her too much.

As far as the women around my man, well this is a little tough. I just try to remember that he loves me and will be coming home to me everyday. So doesnt matter who he interacts with everyday as long as we can be happy together, its not so bad. (Now ofcourse this is much easier said than done, and usually come to this realization after i've said something horrible about the lady in questions... but im not perfect and its a work in progress!!!)

I also think that lot of these negative feelings come about because of the society we live in where being thin is perfection, and having a few extra pounds is in a negative light. But i know i have to be a better person and should not dislike people like that, so i am working on calming down... not turning into a ball of rage everytime i go out and thinking through my irrational dislikes and hatred...

good luck!!!!
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:31 PM   #5  
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I think that is is very admirable that you have noticed this and have opened yourself up to change.

That being said, I would guess that this stems from some "self hatred" issues.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:33 PM   #6  
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As hard as it may be, have you tried to get to know some of the women you "hate." I get the same why sometimes, and i've also been on the receiving end of the "hate" since I'm a medic in the army and work with women's husbands all the time. I've only been yelled at once by one, and I usually try to get to know my guys wives, because then they feel more comfortable with me...at which point I usually receive the "I really didn't like/trust you at first" speech.

I don't know if this helps at all...especially if you have already tried this and you still have the feelings you do.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:33 PM   #7  
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On a side note, I'm an Idahoan too! (Not too far from MHAFB, either )

I've noticed that I do this too. It seems to be more frequent when I'm really down about myself. I go through cycles of good and bad self-esteem and... I seem to hate everyone around me for the stupidest reasons when I'm not happy with myself. Maybe it's just jealousy I have for these other women, but I'm pretty sure it's not always jealousy.

The things I'm super critical of (almost always on other women), I'm just very self-conscious about myself. Having really nice, or really bad teeth is a biggie for me. When I was growing up, I had terrible, crooked buckteeth and I hate women who have a perfectly white smile AND women who have yellow teeth. I don't know why, it's horrible and I'm ashamed to admit it.

Also, it seems like as soon as I make up my mind about not liking a certain woman, I just search for more reasons to justify my feelings. Like, there's this girl in one of my college classes, I've had several with her. The first class I had with her last year, I just knew I didn't like her. She always sits up in front of the class, has some comment to make on EVERYTHING anyone says, which gets really old. She just comes off as a know-it-all snob to me, but she hasn't ever even talked to me. She's absolutely gorgeous for being in her late 30's and having had 4 kids, and I think I resent that. And the funniest thing is, I'm almost positive if I were to actually strike up a conversation with her, we would get along just great.

I'm with you on any women coming close to my husband- it makes me jealous when he even mentions talking to or having any interaction with another woman. Especially when she's more attractive than me (which seems to be 95% of women). I feel betrayed.

I'm resentful of people who are super confident. I've never had that and it makes me angry when others do for some reason. I know it's got nothing to do with the other women, it's solely my own problem and issues with self-esteem.

I'm working on this too- I know having these issues takes the biggest toll on me. It's exhausting and very negative to not like so many people.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:40 PM   #8  
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I find that those who hate others with no valid reason are those who hate themselves. It's like they "lash out" against others rather than look at themselves and deal with their own issues.

Of course, the first step to changing this is acknowledging it, so you seem to already be on the path to change, right? Perhaps some sort of counseling would help you, I'm not sure what path to take from there.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:45 PM   #9  
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First of all, thanks for posting this.

Second of all...ditto, me too, etc, etc.

I realized probably about halfway through my weight loss journey (don't know if that's significant or not) that I am in fact a b-word. I tend to be a jealous, resentful, bitter, guarded, spiteful person and mainly towards women. It's such an unattractive, gross part of myself and I do believe that it stems largely from being overweight and insecure and overlooked so much (or so I thought). I'm terrible in relationships because while I love getting attention from men, I am completely intolerant of my boyfriend receiving it from women or interacting with women on pretty much any level for any reason.

I've had to learn the hard way that I cannot really function successfully in my life with this attitude. At my last job, I worked with a wide variety of people...meaning lots of different ages, races, religions, personality types, etc. There was one woman in particular that I despised. I came up with all kinds of reasons to justify my hatred, but in all honesty, there were no good ones. I had never really spoken to her, she had never done anything to me, we had virtually no relationship. We eventually ended up working side by side and...she has turned out to be a very dear friend. I marvel sometimes at how much I just simply hated her when she actually is a really sweet, amazingly generous, fun person and a real blessing in my life.

I'm still guarded and I still have a chip on my shoulder. I still look at certain women and assume that they are a lot of things that they probably aren't at all. BUT I feel myself opening up. I self-talk a lot about a lot of different things and when I catch myself passing silly judgement or hatin' on someone, I remind myself that I have no right to think that. And that it's not productive or positive. I'm a big believer in karma and the power of positive thinking. I realize that I cannot walk around thinking ugly, mean thoughts about everyone I see and expect love and friendship in my own life.

Sorry my response has been so long. I really respect you for posting this and I hope no one jumps on your case. It takes a lot of nerve to be so honest about our not so awesome qualities. And by asking for advice, you are indicating that you KNOW it's not a good thing and you want it change. You really have to make an effort to be more positive towards others. It takes practice. One thing I started doing, and this might seem very superficial or fake, is complimenting people. You can compliment anyone and it really can open up conversation and break down some walls, both yours and theirs. It's hard for a conversation to start off on a bad foot if you open up with a compliment!
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:53 PM   #10  
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I totally understand how you feel- I used to be like this to an extent. And I realized something- it's because I'm insecure with my own looks so therefore anyone who looks better than me I instantly didn't like because I was JEALOUS of them.

So that girl was/is a stripper- it doesn't make her any worse or less of a person- heck I had a friend in college desperate for money do a porn once. It doesn't make her a bad person or something. She's actually a really great person.

I think you need to get down to the real issue- this has something to do with you and your insecurities. It's great you recognize it- now do something about it. Either start telling yourself that your mindset is wrong and try to get to know these people, or what I really suggest is going to see a counselor and help you deal with these emotions and learn to break this mindset. A counselor would really be great- I've been to counseling- it helped SO MUCH (not for this but for other things) I can't tell you how happy I am that I went. I only did a few sessions but it was such a world of good for me that in the future if I had other issues I would not hesitate to go again.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:56 PM   #11  
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Well first off, Congrats on your honesty!!! You probably mirror the feelings of many woman (who otherwise will just not openly admit those feelings).

You mention that the people you "hate" you do not know. Well, you really cannot "hate" whom you do not "know". So you might want to stop and ask yourself what exactly do I hate? Normally, our feelings for others (especially those we do not know) are simply self reflections. A reflection of what we think of ourselves.

I would recommend the following steps to overcome these negative feelings:

1. Prayer
2. Re-examine your value system - in other words, what do you place more value on...physical appearance or inner beauty. Do you find beauty in an old woman caring for husband? Beauty in self sacrificing people? Or is beauty measured only by what you see in magazines or tv? Once you learn what "true beauty" is, you may view others differently
3. Remember that we ALL fall short and need forgiveness. Think of your own faults or indiscretions and ask yourself, would I want to be judged so harshly. Bottom line, treat others as you would want to be treated. View others as you would want to be viewed. Judge others as you would want to be judged...or would you want to be judged? You catch my drift.

I'm no expert, nor do I have any certification. Just age, experience, and I study my bible alot! Hope this helps. All the best
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:01 PM   #12  
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This is a form of low self esteem, low self image which spikes jealousy. Seek counseling or self-help books. I was there once when I was married.
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:02 PM   #13  
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I'm an equal opportunity hater. If someone has never been fat, or if someone has lost a lot of weight, I hate them. If someone has a lot of money, or what I perceive to be more money than I have, I hate them. Ditto for poor people who receive assistance that I am not entitled to. The "popular" people, the rude and snarky people, the ingratiating oily people, the never had a bad day people. Oh, I could go on and on. And anyone of the female persuasion buddying up to my SO? Oh, forget about it!

It's another thing about myself to be ashamed of (there are so many!!) and I have been really trying to put myself out there more, to get to know some of these people, to FORCE myself to find some good qualities in them, whether I want to or not. That tends to shut up the spoiled little brat inside me that is eaten up with jealousy or cowering in shame. . .

Good luck to you!
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:18 PM   #14  
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Just a thought or two here. Feeling the way you have stated, I wonder what the other ladies' perception of you have been? Feeling all that hate inside, I wonder if (how coud it not?) it was showing on your face? Why not make these two women your "project"? Go out of your way to introduce YOURSELF to them with a smile on your face. Do it every time you see them Each time notice something about them that you can give a sincere compliment about.
Break the ice. You never know, one or both or these ladies could become a good friend

Last edited by islandchick1; 10-23-2010 at 11:17 PM.
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Old 10-21-2010, 01:54 PM   #15  
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Hi,
Well I for one would not welcome any stripper to be in my husbands circle of fiends. It is interesting that the stripper description is apparently a tag on-we don't say Joe's wife the nurse. Why is this? Because the image of a stripper is someone who is Out there. This is just the way it is-judgmental or not.
Anyway getting to your hating issue-I do not agree that it is from own self hatred but think it might be from the way many people in society treat fat people. People who would never be rude to a minority,handicapped person often feel a fat person is fair game. This is also just the way it is.

I handle it by thinking to myself well some day I will be thin but these rude people are now and will always be rude. Then I shrug it off and concentrate on myself. I have never had a direct comment made to me but if I did I would speak up to the person.

My two cents worth is to focus on your goals and making a happy life for you. I bet then the hate issue would fade away.If not then I would seek professional help. I really would -life is to short to be weighed down by negative feelings.

And if my husband continued to defend othere over me,he would be divorced .

All the best to you.

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