A loong time ago I was a flight attendant (back when they used to weigh us twice a year!) I have the kind of face that when I'm not smiling I guess I look sad. Maybe the corners of my mouth turn down a little? So over the course of 9 years I learned to do everything in public with at least a small smile on my face. I had gotten tired of hearting people say, "Smile, it's not that bad," when I was just concentrating on finding a can of diet Sprite. I've realized that I still do that - walk around with a little smile on my face - because people look at me and smile - they thought I was smiiing at them first. So then I get an even bigger smile on my face and nod or say hi. The thing is, lots of times people don't smile at me but I don't realize it because that's just become my natural expression. So, I don't feel bad if people don't smile at me. Or say hi. Just remember, the people in this world that don't smile back at you or say hi when you do are not a reflection of your worth. It is a reflection of them. I will say, I don't like seeing the womean is short shorts. I used to be at a healthclub where a woman wore a thong! Turns out she was having an affair with a trainer and ended up getting a divorce. And I think a husband should tread carefully if praising another woman. Should be prefaced with, but she's not as pretty/nice/as a good a cook etc., as you." to be on the safe side! Keep smiling!
Interesting question. I've been every insecure during my lifetime and you're right. It is difficult to worry about other women and where we put ourselves in that perceived hierarchy of beauty. Unfortunately we live in a very consumer oriented hegemonic society which dooms women to compete with each other overtly and even subconciously for no good reason. IF we buy into that whole sham.
What drives a woman to strip for a living is only hers to know, but if you think about it; it is likely not positive and despite what popular culture and media tells us; not what you'd want for yourself or your kids.
We're all just doing the best we can, and really for the most part we can feed that irrational hate and waste a huge amount of energy on crap that doesn't matter or make our own lives better.
So good for you for being thoughtful about stuff like this.
Last edited by greeneggsandtam; 10-23-2010 at 03:40 PM.
I thought this was an interesting thread. I can get cranky at strangers when I feel down or insecure or whatever. For me it's not really hate (I personally think you have to be pretty emotionally invested in another person to actually hate him or her). It can be tough to get along with and be accepting of people sometimes, we're annoying creatures! ha. It's easier for me to let things slide off my back now that I'm older, and not take stuff too seriously. It really is true that everyone has their own stack of yuck he/she suffers from, so empathy helps (Ms. Perfect Body at the gym may not really believe her body is perfect at all, or maybe it requires so much effort to keep it the way it is it's a serious mental and physical struggle).
And it really does feel better to me, and makes me happier to be friendly to people. and believe me, I appreciate it when people are friendly to me.
I read somewhere too that when we get annoyed at certain traits in others, it's really because we're unhappy about those same traits in ourselves (somebody else said the same thing, about a mirror).
hey, and you never know, someone you originally may have thought "hate" worthy might end up being someone really worth knowing and being friends with!
I do the same thing. I'm very self conscious, but I've been using the "when in doubt, SMILE!" thing, and if someone doesn't smile back, it's like a slap in the face, and I wonder what that *****'s problem is. Then I realise what I just thought and try not to think that again. I mean maybe they're having a bad day, what do I know?
I really think that reaching out with a friendly gesture is the way to stop the hate. And I agree that it's probably not really hate, but jealousy. I work with a girl who is impossibly gorgeous. She has long, blonde hair, is about a size 4, and has this outgoing, bubbly personality. She is also very,very smart. It would be easy to hate her if I didn't get to know her, but I am so glad that I did because she is sweet, caring, and nurturing.
So many times, we read threads here about our fellow posters who have been the victim of hateful words and actions, simply because they are fat or overweight. Is it not equally unfair to hate someone simply because she looks hot in her short-shorts or because she can do an hour on the stairmaster?
Fat people are quite frequently misjudged as being lazy or undisciplined. It's stinks and it's unfair and it's also quite often wrong. But it's also wrong to make judgements about a slim, pretty girl or one who has worked as a stripper. I know you know this, but maybe if you frame it that way--that you sure don't want to be judged on your appearance--then maybe it will be easier to get this under control. Because honestly, it's a choice. We can either stay miserable and jealous, or we can reach out. Who knows; maybe she is stuck up and lucky. But probably she's not; she's just another gal at the gym.
Brown- You are very wise! What you say makes a lot of sense and during this past week or so that I have been actively working on my attitude and perception of others, I have realized a lot of what you were saying to be true. I've realized that whatever I don't like about myself, I alone have the power to change it! And yes I agree that I don't want people to kiss my @$$ either. I love that my husband will always call me out when I'm being ridiculous. He was the one who brought this 'hate' issue to my attention in the first place, one of the many reasons I love him.
I have grown so much since starting this thread and really looking inside myself to see what the actual problem is instead of lashing out at others mentally or verbally.
Thank you all for your ideas and input on this! It has been very very helpful!
I have felt that way before, but it was at a time when I was really unhappy with my weight among other things. It takes a lot of guts to write down your feelings like that and it sounds like you're on your way to calming down.
As for the hating every female that talks to your husband thing, chill the heck out. He married you, not someone else. He is still married to you, not someone else. And if he decides he wants to be with someone else he'll do it and there's nothing you can do about it, but the chances of that happening are almost 0.
As for the hating every female that talks to your husband thing, chill the heck out. He married you, not someone else. He is still married to you, not someone else. And if he decides he wants to be with someone else he'll do it and there's nothing you can do about it, but the chances of that happening are almost 0.
Totally agree with this advice. You don't control others behavior, so you need to learn to relax a bit about this. Allthough I will add, the more you hate those other women openly, the more they might *want* to flirt with your husband. Not all women are like that, but some are. They see a great guy with a jealous wife and it becomes a game. IMO, they will be much less likely to go around flirting with the husband of a friend than the husband of someone who hates them, ya know? If you want to keep them away from your husband befriend them!!!
I find that those who hate others with no valid reason are those who hate themselves. It's like they "lash out" against others rather than look at themselves and deal with their own issues.
Of course, the first step to changing this is acknowledging it, so you seem to already be on the path to change, right? Perhaps some sort of counseling would help you, I'm not sure what path to take from there.
Exactly. When others hurt others, its because they are hurt. When others hate on others, its because they hate themselves. Its low/no self-esteem. When someone feels good, they take pleasure in others pleasure and want to see happiness and give out(and can receive) good.
To the OP, I hope that you find peace within yourself because what you are feeling sounds like pure ****.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say bravo to your husband for seeing an individual as something beyond her current occupation and for acknowledging that she's someone's wife and daughter rather than just "the stripper." More power to him for seeing her as a person first and for defending his friend's wife's dignity! It would be a better world if all people treated others with such regard for their innate worth instead of judging them by the choices they've made.
It took guts to post such an honest post, EveLHaelf, and more guts to make a concerted effort to change. Maybe it'll also help to realize how little we know of someone else's life. The tan and toned woman at your gym? She might be a jerk...or she might have overcome an eating disorder, disease, or physical trauma, and keeping her body healthy and fit is a super-high priority for her now.
There's a quote I once read: "... there are men whom one hates until a certain moment when one sees, through a chink in their armor, the writhing of something nailed down and in torment." It really stuck with me, because although I generally love the world, there are a few people who just instantly rub me the wrong way. While they might not all be "in torment" internally, they probably do have some reason for being who they are, reasons I will never know and could barely guess. How could I hate such people just for being products of the forces that shaped them? Instead, I just avoid those few unlikeable people in my life where possible.
Hatred is corrosive. The more you can learn to smile at the world, to take joy in it and in as many of the people in it as you can, the more happiness flows back to you. I know that's kind of a hippie sentiment and I am sooo not a hippie chick, but it's true.
EveLHaelf: Well done in confronting yourself head on. Self examination is often painful, and you've had the courage to post this and open it up to all kinds of comments. You have inspired me to take a very close look at myself, my motivations and my actions.
I'm an equal opportunity hater. If someone has never been fat, or if someone has lost a lot of weight, I hate them. If someone has a lot of money, or what I perceive to be more money than I have, I hate them. Ditto for poor people who receive assistance that I am not entitled to. The "popular" people, the rude and snarky people, the ingratiating oily people, the never had a bad day people. Oh, I could go on and on. And anyone of the female persuasion buddying up to my SO? Oh, forget about it!
It's another thing about myself to be ashamed of (there are so many!!) and I have been really trying to put myself out there more, to get to know some of these people, to FORCE myself to find some good qualities in them, whether I want to or not. That tends to shut up the spoiled little brat inside me that is eaten up with jealousy or cowering in shame. . .
If someone has never been fat, or if someone has lost a lot of weight, I hate them. If someone has a lot of money, or what I perceive to be more money than I have, I hate them. Ditto for poor people who receive assistance that I am not entitled to. The "popular" people, the rude and snarky people, the ingratiating oily people, the never had a bad day people. Oh, I could go on and on. And anyone of the female persuasion buddying up to my SO? Oh, forget about it!
