Hi everyone, sorry I haven't updated on the situation in a while. Just been barely getting by.
Well I ended up being off plan and not exercising for about 2 months. I'll admit I let my own depression control my actions for a while. I've recently snapped out of it though. I'll get into that a bit later.
I was trying to be the supportive wife for those two months. Give him positive feedback, cook meals and eat together, I stayed up with him and we went to bed together. Then he went away for about a week to california for training. I later found out that the very last day he was there and couldn't sleep he chatted with another woman. I had covered some bases in the past and was able to recover the chat word for word. It was heartbreaking to read. At the end of the chat he messsaged her saying "I can't continue chatting with you I am married I just can't do this anymore, goodbye" he came home and I wasn't there. I went to a friends house and we prayed and she just helped me to calm down. I started getting texts from my hubby "where are you, when are you comeing home?" I came home and he was soooooo sweet. Just wanting to hold me and kiss me and he wanted to know what me and my friend talked about. I said "our relationship" and he got worried "what about honey? whats wrong?" I just looked at him and said "can't you even ADMIT to me what you did?" and he did admit it then finally. I don't quite remember what happened the rest of that night it was a while ago. But I made an appointment with a chapplain to get some sort of counseling going right away. I went first by myself and got out the situation. We then went together to see the chaplain and he really got through to my husband. He kept trying to say "i don't know what i want, i hate my life" and the chaplain finally got him to see that the porn hurt me and the chatting was completely destructive. and he got him to agree to continue to work on the relationship. That night he told me he would stop looking at porn. He has never ever said anything like that before, nor would he even admit that it was hurting me.So that in my mind was huge progress. Throughout the weeks I checked up on him and no porn no chatting. He made an appointment with mental health to get checked out and the guy diagnosed him with "Adjustment disorder with depressed symptoms" Meaning basically he has an inability to adjust to our move to idaho and what not. He's been going to group therapy (which is the only treatment for this apparently) and I saw that he was doing good even his therapist commented on his lightened mood.
Then he went to more training. This time it's for 35 days (he's still gone. only been gone for about 9 days) The first night he was there he tried to contact the same person from last time (the "i can't do this anymore i'm married" girl) Well I didn't have any time to calm down then. I got on fb and started messaging him rampantly. We had a HUGE fight. Before any time I would find something on his computer and confront him about it he would admit to it. this time he tried to outright lie to me which he has never done before. Well we said a lot of hurtful things to eachother. I told him I was done. I wans't going to keep cleaning his house and packing up his stuff. I was just going to fly back home to pennsylvania and leave everything here for him to worry about and I was done absolutely done with his crap. More anger more hurtful words back and fourth and he finally says "I hate that you just want to up and leave me and not wait until i get back to talk in person" That made the convo take a much softer turn. We talked and I told him that I also have a lot of self esteem issues and i also need to get some individual counseling for myself as well. He said "There is no reason for me to do what I did. I don't even understand why I did it." I feel that's some progress. I explained to him that I've loved him for over 5 years and that I finally looked inside myself and realized that throughout our relationship i'd been so deep into my depression that i wasn't a very good g/f and then a wife. I had prayed and asked god to show me where I was in the wrong. He really softened up after hearing this and he actually for the first time every said "i believe we can work this out." He finally not only expressed a WANT to work things out but a belief that we can do it. He said "I know i've said this before but i swear to you no more chatting." That I didn't even respond to because the trust is completely shattered and I didn't believe him. I just told him that both of us need to be willikng to take whatever actions necessary to change ourselves for the better and to re build the relationship. He agreed (also first time)
SO I feel that me finally telling him enough was enough and telling him i was going to leave was the slap in the face he needed? We have signed up for a couple's weekend when he gets back. It is a workshop for couples who are about to deploy and just a strengthening seminar for marriages. We are both looking forward to that. Since he's been gone Ive been hanging out with my friend who has been with me the wholel time and she's very christian. I started going to church with her and I really feel that God has helped me to realize my part in the downfall of our relationship as well. He's helped me to realize that I need to stop dwelling on the negatives and start working on myself as a person and not obsess over his internet history right now while he is gone and we can't talk in person. I've done a ton of praying these past few days and I really feel like he is giving me strength and love for myself so I can handle this situation. I started going to individual counseling for myself and this guy is also going to be our couples counselor when hubby gets back from training. I know we won't have that much time before he deploys but something is better than nothing. I actually feel like God has told me that he has a plan for us and that we will be able to get through these tough times and come out stronger. He's given me hope. And a few months ago I wasn't even sure if God existed!
I'm back on plan exercising and eating foods that are good for my body and mind. I'm being loving and supportive of my husband while he is away and giving us both something to look forward to when he gets back (the couples seminar) and I'm just focusing on ME. I'm not going to let his actions dictate how I react. I'm finally not thinkin gof myself as a victim. And that's huge. While he is gone we are both working on lists of things that the other person can do to make the other feel more loved. also what we would like the other to do or not do. I feel a huge part of our problem is communication.
But anyway sorry this turned out so long! Just wanted to let you all know that I am full of hope, and I've realized my faults in this and am working on them. I am finally loving ME and instead of putting all my love towards my husband (in a completely unhealthy obsessive sort of way) I am giving some of that to myself. Thank you all for your support and advice! I love hearing from all of you and it means a lot that people who don't even know me care!
's to all!
ETA: not sure if i mentioned this above but he has agreed to couples' and individual counseling for himself!
