3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community - interesting debate on infildelity--your thoughts?

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- - interesting debate on infildelity--your thoughts? (https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/general-chatter/185185-interesting-debate-infildelity-your-thoughts.html)

a PM sent to suzanne

in case i was/am out of line.

in regard to my threads on "general chatter"

i do not see any harm in the quesions i asked.

and while the debate got spirited and the tone was sometimes fierce?

no one called names and no one was banished.

it was insightful and interesting.

but if you as the moderator of the board feel i was out of line?

pleae remove it.

but if we dont talk about difficult subjects?

how can we grow?

thank you

Thinking through on how a situation like this would affect my life I hav come to the conclusion that...

#1 ~ It would not :no: ruin my marriage (if it was indeed a one-time thing)

and

#2 ~ It would totally :yes: ruin my marriage (if it was indeed a one-time thing)

I am a pretty forgiving person....after I get revenge :s:

Angie and I have been married for almost 14 years...for I would say in all honesty...95% of it has been wonderful....there was a time...since past that it was rough...real rough...a couple of times. These times always concerned my step-daughter. We still have issues with her...mostly Angie...but we don't have issues with each other over her anymore....we absolutely refuse to! We both have "matured" on how to handle those situations....I have learned to let things go and she has learned to...well...she has learned a lot ;)

My point? :shrug:

I would hope that even knowing adultery is something God allows divorce over (because of the harm and lasting issues it causes people) that I would be forgiving and be able to "let it go"....as would be God's first choice for me...I think.

If it happened today I can say I might be able to do that.....

I can also say that if it had happened back in the above situations in my life...I probably would have taken the "easy way out?" and followed through with divorce...it would have sealed the deal on this second marriage...

it didn't and I had a wonderful walk to Starbucks with my wife this morning....with the spoiled brats of course...and will enjoy the evening at church on Trunk or Treat Night :haphal:

EZ?

you are one smart man.
and my husband seconds exactly what you said.

it wouldnt cause the END of our marriage.

but we would have a DIFFERENT marriage.

maybe better but maybe not.

you cant unsalt the soup so to speak.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaplods (Post 2994335)

Tolerance, compassion, with-holding judgement are only "good" to a point, there's also a point when they become a cop-out, a way for people to shirk social responsibility (not my problem, not my place to judge).

I say we are our brother's keepers. We're responsible for each other, and when we see someone being hurt and victimized by someone else, it IS our business. Ideally, interventions are done with compassion to everyone - which is difficult, a pain in the butt and and time-consuming, but to say there are no absolutes and that observing is a virtue - I don't buy it.

What we haven't discussed here, is whether anyone besides the wife is obligated to tell the husband of the affair if she does not?

To a certain extent we all ARE responsible for one another. While we may not be in a position to get involved (if our choice of action, inaction or advice is likely to harm anyone more than help), we can (and maybe are even obligated, depending upon the situation and our own moral code - and the moral code of the society to which we belong) advise the person to carefully consider their choice and the potential consequences.

If that's judgement, so be it. Our society wouldn't last long without it. Anarchy isn't pretty.

you're one smart lady. I agree with what you say. I'm a practicing Catholic, I go to church just about every Sunday. I have a set idea of right and wrong. I take the moral code seriously, and consider it an enhancement in my life. (I'm also not perfect.) I was responding to how in my mind I saw this particular woman's situation from how it was described. Truth is, I don't know her, her motivations, extenuating circumstances, level of maturity, commitment to her relationship, anything.

I understand the argument morally wrong is wrong, no matter the circumstances. I don't believe going outside a relationship to another person is a good way (morally or psychologically or emotionally) to solve a problem within a relationship (or even a problem that an individual is experiencing who's in a committed relationship -- why? bec you end up piling an additional problem on top of what you're already experiencing, along with all the other considerations, how you affect someone you feel a deep attachment/love for).

that said, my heart and experience, hearing different peoples' stories makes me pause. life gets complicated. A friend of mine told me his story recently, and I can't share it here, but with all my beliefs, I can't find it in me to fault or judge him for looking for relief outside his marriage in his circumstances. He's a person who's exceptionally supportive of other people and contributes to the world around him in many ways. that was all on my mind when I replied.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrs dorson (Post 2994659)

BRAVO!!!

is not what i want. but it brings me to the same thought as before.

when do the rules of society begin to infringe on the liberty of the individual?

if everyone in this thread says the cheater should tell?

can we make her?

I don't think anyone could force her to tell the truth of the situation to her husband. It's kind of like medicine -- as a doctor or nurse, you can explain until you're blue in the face that a certain medicine can help for a certain illness, but the patient always has the right to refuse, even if it kills them. In this case, you could talk to your friend, but she has the right to refuse your advice, even if doing so could prove self-destructive. The only way to force the issue would be to tell her husband yourself, and that opens up a whole slew of other issues!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrs dorson (Post 2994659)

are we sure that our following the moral code leads to good choices?

Sometimes there are no good choices. In this case, your friend has done something which could harm her marriage to some extent (perhaps destroy it) should her husband find out. So the choices seem to be 1. she can tell him immediately, hurt him, and probably hurt herself as well 2. she can tell him later, hurt him more (IMO), and probably hurt herself as well, or 3. keep it quiet, pray someone else doesn't tell, and live with the knowledge that she betrayed her husband's trust. None of those seem particularly good to me. Sometimes the best you can do is work to minimize harm from actions that you've committed, and hope for the best.