Have I ever cheated? No, but was majorly tempted by a man that I worked with during our engagement.
Someone cheated on me? Yes, 1st real boyfriend, my 1st love, that set me up for general distrust toward men. Also, current husband did as well.
Forgive? This cheat was only once as far as I know and as far as I choose to believe, This took our relationship down to the bottom of the barrel, it wasn't with anybody that either of us knows, earning trust was slooooow for him. I am still not 100% that this didn't happen before and it won't happen again but he knows how I feel and I do believe that he has spent the past 4 years everyday trying to make up for it.
We have watched several friends' and family members' marriages combust over these years-so I know he sees what could have been lost.
Forgiveness is different when you have children involved-and knowing how "I-wear-the-pants-in-the-family" kind of gal I am, I surprise myself with how forgiving I was-I still think about it EVERYDAY at some point-4 yrs later.
I assume cheating is sexual and possibly emotional. (Close emotional relationship you have with someone that you are hiding is cheating).
Doing other stuff (gambling) is being dishonest but wouldn't call that cheating.
Cheating (sexually or in a relationship) is actually an informal use of the word.
Merriam Webster defines Cheating:
transitive verb
1: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting <cheat death>
intransitive verb
1 a: to practice fraud or trickery b: to violate rules dishonestly <cheat at cards> <cheating on a test>
2: to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on<was cheating on his wife>
3: to position oneself defensively near a particular area in anticipation of a play in that area <the shortstop was cheating toward second base>
so based on transitive verb usage definition 1 by spending his paycheck gambling he deprives me of something valuable by the use of deceit (or dishonesty as it were) and therefore his dishonesty leads to his cheating.
Well I go by #2, formal or informal. It would be the definition I use and the definition that I assume the person who started this thread was going by. If they were going by another meaning, then I'd answer based on that.
"Has someone ever cheated ON you?" Or "Have you cheated ON someone?" I would assume, they aren't talking about deceit related to other matters.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ladybugnessa
Cheating (sexually or in a relationship) is actually an informal use of the word.
Merriam Webster defines Cheating:
transitive verb
1: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3: to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting <cheat death>
intransitive verb
1 a: to practice fraud or trickery b: to violate rules dishonestly <cheat at cards> <cheating on a test>
2: to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on<was cheating on his wife>
3: to position oneself defensively near a particular area in anticipation of a play in that area <the shortstop was cheating toward second base>
so based on transitive verb usage definition 1 by spending his paycheck gambling he deprives me of something valuable by the use of deceit (or dishonesty as it were) and therefore his dishonesty leads to his cheating.
I think it's interesting. When I was younger I would have sworn on my life and everything I held dear that (a) I'd never ever cheat and (b) I'd never forgive a cheater.
But things change and circumstances change and sometimes you just don't know what you'll do until you get into a certain situation and have to actually make the decision for yourself instead of hypothetically.
I'm not saying that anyone here would or wouldn't. Everyone has different limits and so forth. I just know that up until about 2 years ago many things I thought were carved in stone ... turned out not to be.
I would say when I was young, I would've thought I could never forgive someone who cheated on me but then again, I truly don't know. I wasn't married and wasn't even thinking about marriage when I was young. I may not be able to forgive , I may be able to, I don't know.
I can say clearly, set in stone, that I would never cheat on someone though. This is just based on how I think about multiple facets of relationships.
I am a big nonbeliever in the excuse "it just happened"...nothing just happens.
I don't believe in "it just happened" either. I take full responsibility for my choices - all of them.
Quote:
If you feel the need to cheat then why marry in the first place? Simple as that.
No, it's not really as "simple as that". I would be willing to be that NOONE gets married planning to cheat. I know I didn't. But things change and situations become unbearable. I'm glad you've never experienced that. I hope you never do.
I don't think anyone goes into a relationship thinking they'll cheat on someone or at least I'd hope not. I do think there are reasons it happens such as maybe you start growing distant from your partner, you feel you are lacking something in the relationship and maybe someone comes along who is willing to make up for what you are lacking.
My own feelings are:
1) A relationship is 2 people and those 2 people need to work on the relationship together. There is no need to be a 3rd person in a relationship or to bring another person into your life to complicate your current relationship. (This of course is for relationships where both parties believe the relationship to be exclusive, I can't speak for 'open' relationships or polyamorous)
2) If you are tempted to cheat then there is something wrong in your relationship that needs to either be fixed or if it can't be fixed, for the relationship to end. It doesn't mean you just start cheating.
We consider cheating anything that you wouldn't want your spouse to know about, and anything that you wouldn't do with them standing right next to you.
I do think there are reasons it happens such as maybe you start growing distant from your partner, you feel you are lacking something in the relationship and maybe someone comes along who is willing to make up for what you are lacking.
My own feelings are:
1) A relationship is 2 people and those 2 people need to work on the relationship together. There is no need to be a 3rd person in a relationship or to bring another person into your life to complicate your current relationship. (This of course is for relationships where both parties believe the relationship to be exclusive, I can't speak for 'open' relationships or polyamorous)
2) If you are tempted to cheat then there is something wrong in your relationship that needs to either be fixed or if it can't be fixed, for the relationship to end. It doesn't mean you just start cheating.
Have I ever cheated? Yes, in the past. But I don't buy into the "once a cheater always a cheater" mantra, because I have not ever and will NEVER cheat on my husband. It has to do with love and respect for the person you are with, and a cheater never cheats without a reason. Maybe not a GOOD reason...but a reason all the same. I cheated on an ex-boyfriend, and the relationship was all emotional at first because the BF was absolutely NOT into the "feeling" part of the relationship. Then it escalated into physical, and the rest is history.
Yes, I've been cheated on before. They weren't solid relationships (therefore half my fault).
Would I forgive? Depends. I believe in second chances, but not third or fourth. And it also depends on how I found out, and how long it'd been going on. The ex who cheated...I found out from someone else, and it'd been going on a while. So it was over. If he'd told me straight out, it'd show he was sorry for what happened, and we could MAYBE work things out.
For the record, I trust that my husband would NEVER cheat on me. He'd divorce me first.
No, yes and probably yes, once. I would leave my husband first before I ever ventured into cheating. A serious, live in boyfriend cheated on me and it was devestating and destroyed the relationship. I would forgive once because I truly love my husband, but twice is looking like a habit. My Dad had that habit and the the worst part is the lying, deceit and BSing that goes on to hide the affair. From a child's eyes it is so demoralizing to have an adult like that in your life. I suppose that is one of the reasons why I value personal integrity so much.
