It sounds like there's bigger issues going on here than a dress. Your DH will have to get some counseling I'm sure and work through his own issues. You need to keep taking care of yourself and just working on you. I hope eventually, one way or another, this wearing away of your self esteem stops. In the meantime keep up all the good work. You are doing great!
Yeah, I have one friend here I always call to vent. She's so good. She's a wonderful friend. She's suggested things to do and she's always there to listen even if its 3 in the morning. She's a really good person.
I am sorry to hear this. That was not very nice of hubby to be negative about the dress. I would probably get rid of it because (as I know myself) I would always associate the dress with the comments he made about it - but you maybe different, so do what will work best for you. You definitely deserve a dress twice as glamorous once you are at your goal weight.
Cyber hugs to you.
I'm going to wade in on this one. However, I am going to preface my note with this .... PTSD is very real and very frightening. He needs to seek treatment and you should too. There are lots of options for these kinds of disorders nowadays and nobody needs to live in constant distress.
Now, just in case this is about just plain old husbands ... bless their empty little heads! But men just don't think like we do.
Let's call our imaginary husband Bucky.
Bucky don't know schtit from shinola when it comes to tears, depression, self-esteem, validation ... He wants to fix things. If he tries, it often makes things worse and if he doesn't know how ... he either tries sumthin' or goes empty headed and flounders.
Bucky could be thinking many things ...
... that don't look right to me
... you look different and I don't like it
... we never go anywhere fancy enough for a dress like that
... I'm not good enough to go anywhere fancy enough for a dress like that
... we can't afford a dress like that, a place like that
... it's my fault we don't go anywhere that you can wear a dress like that
... I'm a dud and you're so fancy
... you don't need to impress me, what did I do that makes you think that
... naked is better
... I want to see the rest of what's revealed, but I don't want anyone else to want to
... I keep tellin' ya that naked is best
... I don't care what you're wearing (as long as you're covered) and you get naked when we get home
... how many times do I have to tell you that naked impresses me very much
In case you feel that is a bit irreverent ... it is. But ... men are funny creatures.
Keep the dress, it makes you feel beautiful. Hit your goal, wear it for a fabulous evening out with girlfriends. Convince your husband he might benefit from counseling, sounds like he has some stuff to work through as well!
This was going to be my EXACT advice! I would buy another dress in secret for a night with him... but i would take the dress you love... and go out on the town with friends! Drinks and sushi would be my ideal night with friends!
I have to say that I don't agree with keeping the dress and using it for a girls night out. If you love your husband and want to stay together I would consider that a bit below the belt tbh, as it could easily be seen as an attempt to either make him jealous or to move on to greener pastures.
I have no insight to what PTSD really does to a person, but to me it is clear that your husband needs some outside help. No matter how much you two love each other, some things are best solved with the help of someone who isn't living in the middle of it.
I really do think that the criticism might stem from insecurity or other issues that your husband are having.
Please know that I'm not trying to defend him though. What he said was completely out of order, and I'm so sorry you had to experience that.
I very much second the poster who suggested that you do things that make YOU feel good, that don't depend on other people making you feel good, and also that you get another goal outfit, keep it to yourself, and then wear it and feel fab!
I love all your comments. It has really helped me overcome this one. Yeah, I don't know exactly for sure what I'll do with the dress but IF I do come across another red dress (red is his favorite) I'll buy that one and use it for a night with him. I really do like that dress but it's hard to keep when he feels that way about it. I am like tomato-I would associate the comments with the dress everytime I wore it. That's the only reason why i would return it. SusanB-I love your advice. That really helps me see what he might be really thinking and feeling about the dress. I love your comment "bless their empty little heads". lol. It is so true. Thank you everyone.
I think you're dealing with 2 different things here.
1) Many partners are threatened when someone starts losing weight. They fear that the slimmer partner is going to leave them/attract more people
2) Someone going through a situation that causes PTSD can sometimes be so deeply enmeshed in their own intense pain that they lose the ability to empathize/sympathize with others. Not to mention irritability and lashing out are often symptoms of PTSD.
Is he in treatment for PTSD? Since it was military, are there other spouses you can turn to for support to share comping strategies?
Now as to buying clothing for a goal, I tend to agree with JayEll that it can be an invitation to self-sabotage. What I do is I don't buy clothes unless they fit, but I do allow myself some clothing rewards when I get down to a smaller size. Mostly, since my body size/shape is in flux, I try to get bargains, but I do treat myself to at least one good work outfit & one good going out outfit each time I go down a size.
And if I need rewards between clothing sizes, I buy music or get a pedicure/manicure, etc. Or buy some bath products. You've lost 12 pounds so far, that is great! And you're only 4 pounds away from "Onederland". Having hit that mark myself, it's great psychologically to get there. Keep up the good work and you'll be there before you know it!
well, i bought the dress because i have an extremely hard time finding clothes that i really really like. And I wanted to buy a semi-sexy dress and I found it so I bought it. i am deeply hurt by everything. And this is just something the size of a grain of sand compared to everything else i've got to deal with. That one just really really hurt me. I wanted to feel sexy in it and now I will associate the words he said with the dress. I will return the dress, I don't want to "feel" like a hoochie everytime I wear it. He talks to a counselor about his PTSD but I don't think he's telling the counselor the truth about things. I need to take it into my own hands and call his counselor and tell him what is going on so he knows what to do to help him.
Men are sooo silly when it comes to that kind of stuff.
