If you can honestly see yourself at 80 years old, happily married to this guy, never having cheated, never having made you feel less about yourself because of whatever your weight was, then stick with him. Otherwise, dump his sorry butt and stop wasting your time.
People who love you don't put conditions on it. Don't delude yourself about him.
First off, lots of hugs to you. And I am sorry you are having to deal with this but I'm with the ones who say dump him. EVERYONE deserves to be happy with someone who loves them unconditionally.
Huh.. Sounds like he's been shopping around by going out at night without you and looking to see what he could get and that's very unfair to you. That really had to hurt to hear him say that but I do find that weird that you're the exact same weight that you were when you two met and started dating so.. I'd ask him what's changed? It's up to you whether to stay with him or dump him. Hugs to you!
Last edited by blondebritbrat17; 11-30-2007 at 01:28 PM.
While I agree that physical attraction is to a degree unexplainable and uncontrollable, I think he's handing you a big line of B.S. His justification doesn't make any sense. You obviously were "good enough" for him at one point, so the idea that he decided to date you because you were going to be good enough for him at some point is utterly ridiculous.
My husband and I are definitely not each other's "dream date" physically. His celebrity crush is "Drew Barrymore," and mine is "The Rock." Believe me, neither of us is ever going to measure up physically to each other's fantasies. Real-life sexual attraction is alot more complicated than that (or it can be, some people truly are just shallow and want what they want, exactly when and how they want it, and aren't willing to make compromises or broaden their expectations).
I don't think you can depend on him to tell you the "real" reason for his behavior. He may even think he's telling the truth, but it's obviously just an excuse. Some people do go into relationships fully expecting to "trade up" if something better comes along. I don't know if your bf is one of these, but regardless his loss of interest definitely has little or nothing to do with your weight specifically. If he is interested in counseling, I'd say go for it. Otherwise, I think you have a big decision to make, but trying to accomodate his change in interest will do little for your self-esteem.
It's nice that he waits until the holidays to start this.
For what my opinion is worth, keep losing your weight safely. YOU deserve that. That is for you and you only. Keep doing the exercise program with your brother. You deserve that, too! In fact, that exercise may be what you need for some added stress relief.
If you aren't locked into a lease with your name on it, find some other place to live and leave him on the hook for it. If the place is yours and you can financially handle everything have him remove his stuff NOW and fix the place up to your liking.
Should he realize that he has been a jerk and want you back, then you can lay down a tremendous amount of terms.
Sounds to me like he wants an open relationship. Come and go as he pleases and not have any responsibility for a relationship with you.
Like the others said, you are better than that.
Besides, losing the weight and working out and reinventing yourself may make him look twice. Then you can be the one to set the bar for him. You will be in control then. Don't let him stomp on your emotions any longer. You, truly, are better than that.
I agree with the others.... The comment that bothered me was "sometimes I'm tempted by others". WTF is that?? Is he tempted or has he actually cheated? You need to talk to him sober. He wasn't "tempted" when you first met so something has changed that has absolutely nothing to do with your weight hun and I have a feeling nothing to do with YOU. I have gained almost 100 pounds since hubby and I got married and he still tells me I'm sexy and beautiful, still desires me... sure he'd like me thinner and healthier but my size doesn't cause him to be "tempted" to go elsewhere because he really loves me... the real me... the whole me!!
I think he just might be putting on to you the blame, as an excuse for his wandering eye. How attractive can he be to *you* at this point, after deflating your heart like that? Regardless of whether or not we remain 'attractive' on the surface, over the years, we ALL change, and to love someone is to love beneath the surface. You'll likely carry that comment around through the years with him, so, as long as you're not married, maybe consider moving on.
Last edited by Hermit Girl; 11-30-2007 at 08:24 PM.
I can't say that I kept my cool, but the crappy thing is that I get where he's coming from in some ways. If you're not attracted to someone you just aren't.
Well, this is true. If he had come outright and said "honey, I'm not attracted to you anymore" and started a discussion with you about it, that would be a redeemable thing...it would still hurt, but at least you would know he was being honest.
The fact that he's going out and that you had to pry this out of him, though, is sending up red flags for me. I agree with what others have said: it's time to move on from him.
I know sort of what you're going through...I tried to make a relationship work for two additional years after the same type of thing happened...but it collapsed around me and all I could think was "I wish I'd left him sooner." Now I'm with an amazing man who thought I was beautiful at my highest weight as well as my current weight, and I love him more deeply than I ever thought possible. There are amazing guys out there. And let me tell you, it's so much easier to lose weight when you're with a guy who thinks you're gorgeous no matter what, because then it's a lot less external pressure!
And please, please don't take his comments to heart! There is always someone out there who will find you drop-dead gorgeous, and will love you and find you attractive!! Maybe this relationship just wasn't meant to be, y'know?
Good luck to you no matter what you choose to do, hon.
here's my $0.02.... lose weight for no one but yourself. If you lose weight for your bf...when you finally reach goal..there maybe something else that he find unattractive about you.
Exactly what I was thinking. We already worry about lose skin when losing weight, and perhaps he'll not find any lose skin to be attractive. This is HIS hangup, not yours, don't make it yours. I'm not going to say he's being a jerk or shallow or any of the other stuff. He seemed to be sincere. He seemed to be worried about this hurting you, and he was trying to be honest. And if he HAS been cheating, telling you this while drunk, he surely would've let it slip rather than saying he's been "tempted". Sounds more like he really likes you, but isn't attracted to you, and has been trying to work through it for himself. But unless and until he does work through that, a relationship is going to be all but impossible. Cause now that you know what he's thinking, you're not going to be able to stop thinking about it yourself. And that's going to hinder your weightloss if anything.
Do what you need for YOU, not for him. He needs to work on him. That may unfortunately ultimately mean the two of you won't work together.
First of all, hugs to you I hope you're dealing as best you can right now while going through this.
A few people have mentioned this already, and I'm in agreement: it seems he's using your weight as an excuse and justification for his poor behavior. You were this size when you met -- the change is within him... and not for the better. I hope you are able to resolve things in a way that's best for you.
As far as losing weight goes, I'm sure there will still be part of you that sort of has a certain satisfaction knowing he's eating his heart out (and I don't think there's anything wrong with that), but spite won't help you stay fit and healthy. Actually, it might make you do some not so healthy things just to look good. You need to put yourself first in this situation -- do what you need to do for you (I know that's probably easier said than done right now) for right now, but also for your long term health, goals and life!
Good luck with everything
Thank you all so much. I wasn't really expecting so many responses. I didn't have anyone irl I could talk to about it and it means so much to me to know that there are people out there who understand.
Yesterday when I woke up I had a really long discussion with him and he kept repeating over and over that he was sorry, he didn't mean to say it, he loves me, wants to be with me... he was really sincere, and said that he wouldn't have said it if he was more mentally clear at the time, but he admits that it's true. I know he doesn't want to hurt me, but I'm still not sure where that leaves the relationship. If we did stay together could I ever trust that he's really into me and not just compromising because he's comfortable, or worse, looking for someone else?
Last night I went out with a friend and that helped a lot, getting dressed up, being around friends, etc. So today, I'm in a much better place mentally. I feel like I got to say everything I wanted to him and get some things out into the open that were bothering me. My eating has been healthy and on track and I worked out with my brother today. I've calmed down some and really read all of your comments and thought about things from a larger perspective and not just one of hurt and anger. It's obvious that I have some serious work to do in terms of thinking about my reasons for losing weight. I used to think they were good ones, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe I was just trying to please other people and fit in better.
So, for now we're on a hiatus and I've told him that I just need a week or so to think things through and get things straight in my head. I know he's sorry and he loves me, but again, it was the truth to him and I do feel like he's not really into being with me right now. I want to make the right decision for me, and not just react to the situation.
Anyway, sorry for the long update. I wanted to get on sooner but my computer access is spotty and I could only get on for a couple of minutes at a time. I just wanted to thank you. You guys are the best and you really helped me more that you know
