That's hilarious! Ooh, I've got to remember that, although since lately the only people ever asking us the kid question anymore are newer church members, it could draw some very interesting responses.
My husband and I often joke how lucky the world is that we aren't parents, since we can corrupt a five year old that isn't ours in about 5 minutes (we LOVE buying small children loud musical instruments). My sister and her husband are really great with their kids though, and so musical instruments are very welcome gifts, other parents aren't so thrilled.
We joke that hubby is about at the maturity level of about 6, and I may be between 10 and 12, so I have to be the babysitter (but I can't be trusted too long). It's funny because my sister's 6 year old was born with a 30 year old personality. He lectures us on appropriate behavior. My husband was playing nerf crossbow with him, when Caleb was only about 4 and they were shooting stuffed bears Caleb had lined up (they were hunting) and I picked up one of the extra bows and shot my husband in the buttocks. Caleb marched up to me and grabbed the bow out of my hands and said sternly (his eyebrows knitted together fiercely) "we do not shoot PEOPLE!"
My dh & I are on the infertility end of the equation but that has made me spend many an hour wondering if being childfree was what was meant for us & that is why we cannot conceive. I can say that the nosy question is quickly turned to embarassed faces & an end to any discussion when you briskly reply "we've been trying for some time now."
I do think though that many people are pushy about everyone having children because they need that valedation that what they are doing is the right thing to do. Somehow the choice to be childfree means to them that you look down on them for having children & they just need to know that isn't how it is.
I get the same sort of thing when people find out I'm an atheist. They make it their mission from that point on to convince me of how I'm wrong.
Do what is right for you & definitely come up with the snarky reply that best suits to shut them up.
lifeguard - i agree with you. people are trying to justify themselves rather than you in a lot of cases. i don't even tell people i'm an athiest anymore because it's just too much trouble. i try to change the subject, or tell them I'm pagan... its easier than explaining my view on spirituality. Why people think religion, babies, marriage, etc is their business is beyond me.
Lucky for me most of the ppl who bother me about children are related to me - I don't feel obligated to be polite to them.
which reminds me, on sunday my aunt asked me, like she does every time she sees me, when she's going to be a great aunt and i tell her, like i do every time, that she won't be. and her answer? "Well, maybe with your second marriage!" WOW!
Some childfree people are very militant about thier decision and have it out for the parents of the world, calling them breeders and thier children sprog.
I know a couple like that.The woman more so then the man,but it's easy to ignore people like that...and luckily,they aren't all like that.
Quote:
When I was a baby, my mom used a stroller. It had a canopy and one pocket on the back. It worked well. Have you seen strollers these days? They look like little SUV's! I saw one with a Louis Vuitton blanket. The baby's going to burp on the blanket if it's an over priced name brand or just a nice soft fleece...the whole attitude of bigger and better than the Jones's makes me wonder if the baby really is the top priority for these people.
--end rant.
Sadly,I know people like this too .My SIL is like that and I feel soooo bad for her children who are now suffering due to not having a stable homelife,and all because their mom HAD to have children,because to her,thats what you did.Of course with no clue how she's going to raise them,who's going to watch them during the day,or who will babysit when she wants to go out by herself every weekend Ok...I'll stop now,lol.
I can relate. You are NOT alone.
All my life, I figured having kids was something I'd have to do and it seemed like some kind of cut off point for me that I was kind of NOT looking forward to. Then slowly I realized that it truly is a CHOICE. I got married when I was 30 and we had discussed the kid issue, and I figured I'd have one and maybe 2 (but was dreading it). As some time passed and my husband was starting to pressure me, I realized it wasn't just "something that might happen some time in the future". It was a decision that was basically irreversible. I couldn't do it. I really thought about it, and I decided I didn't want to do it. Besides the fact that we couldn't afford it, I knew I didn't have the patience or even the smallest desire to go through with it. We ended up getting divorced. Not long after our divorce, he was "surprise" - a father to someone else's baby. Oh well. I have absolutely no regrets and I'm currently with a man who also doesn't want children. It's GREAT! I have nothing against people who DO want children and who do a good job of raising them-I just don't see why I should have to get myself into such a responsible position when I don't want it.
Good luck. You are NOT alone!
[QUOTE=lizziness;1806987]lifeguard - i agree with you. people are trying to justify themselves rather than you in a lot of cases. i don't even tell people i'm an athiest anymore because it's just too much trouble. i try to change the subject, or tell them I'm pagan... its easier than explaining my view on spirituality. Why people think religion, babies, marriage, etc is their business is beyond me.
QUOTE]
There are certain subjects I avoid if I can, but sometimes others just feel they need to push the issue.
I get asked all the time about when I'll be having kids, I've been married for almost 4 years now and will be 31 this year. Husband and I just aren't ready, but whenever we give that as a reason we get told 'I don't think you're ever ready, I wasn't ready', it just bugs me that people don't let us just do what we want in our own time. I'd love kids, just not yet
I'm both childfree and single by choice. Didn't have the desire to be otherwise when I was 20, or 30, or now that I'm about to turn 42 in a couple of weeks. I don't have it in me to commit myself to another person for a lifetime and I have no maternal instincts. Heck, I don't even think of my cat as my baby, I think of him as my furry little brother, lol. Now him I wish would be around for my lifetime! I go through life pretty much at peace with myself and I don't have a lot of stress, not even at a job which gets crazy sometimes. I can deal with that. My sister, who is older by 15 years, also never got married or had kids. It has made my mom a little sad that she's not going to have biological grandkids (plus, she wonders where the money is going to go...I told her, what I don't spend on life, health and luxury is going to animal organizations after I go), but she is a surrogate grandma to a family of four very young kids who have only one biological grandparent left who happens to be a cold woman. So she gets to be a grandma and I get off the hook.
I used to get asked when I was younger about marriage and kids. Not anymore. Same reasons why I don't drive a car. I don't have it in me to do it without screwing it up...I don't have the desire or the attention span for it. People tell me that it's in my head. Well, yeah, and since it's in my head, that means I shouldn't be doing it. And, living in NYC, I don't really need to. I tell people who ask about the driving that if I get behind the wheel, somebody is going to die, and I'm not joking. I just get annoyed by people in general when they think that everybody should be of a like mind, or have the same attitudes, values, lifestyles, etc. (I had some awareness of people's differences as a child since I had Italian immigrant parents while most of my neighborhood friends' parents were American born but in school there was a greater mix.) They look at you like you're an alien for whatever it is that makes you different from them. I mean, even the ladies I work with, nice enough as they are, have obviously not spent most of their lives around people of different backgrounds (one woman in her 50s didn't even know what the main differences in beliefs between Christians and Jews are). People tend to feel comfortable with others who are most similar to them and they tend to think of it (whatever "it" is for them, be it religion, family, race, economic status, etc.) as the "American" way of life.
Actually, working in an environment where I observe a lot of families, and seeing how fast and furious people are to occupy their kids' time with something, anything almost from birth...I do wonder why a lot of them bothered to have kids. But my motto is live and let live. I don't tell other people how to live their lives and I won't allow them to tell me how to live mine. People asking for advice or suggestions, that's fine, I'll give my input if I have any feelings or opinions on the matter but I won't force them on anybody and I expect them to do the same for me.
trekkie - i get bugged a lot about not having a car or ever learning how to drive. Honestly - I'm not interested in it, I find it all a bit terrifying, and since I live where there is an amazing transit system it just isn't necessary. It's good for the environment, for my pocket, and honestly I really don't feel I need it.
Granted,there are times I wish I could just hop in the car and go somewhere to be alone but... all the more encouragement to just go take a walk instead!
I don't know why people are so scared of others not being like them. Perhaps they feel like they are validating themselves or something. I get bugged a lot about not having a car, not having kids, not being what people think I should be. But honestly- I think it bothers them more than it will ever bother me.
I know that this thread has been dormant for awhile, but I wanted to thank everyone for their advice and experiences. Last night I finally told my mother in a point blank fashion that I won't be having children.
We had been on the phone for an hour and she was circling the question like a vulcher... I think she was shocked, surprised and a bit saddenned... but I did explain that I just don't have a maternal instinct, and that no amount of hanging out with my little niece and other small children is going to change that. One can be nurturing with out being a mom... I even told her I really looked into myself and tried to convince myself that maybe I could do it....but I also realized it was only to conform to what was expected of me.
I know that she is a bit upset about it, but I am very glad to get it out there. Not to mention that I am bipolar, and she doesn't always understand that there is no medicine that will just make me better. I'll always have 'episodes'...at times I have problems taking care of myself, let alone another person.
Sigh.
I still feel in some ways that I am inadaquet--inn add a quit--. It's all having to do with society's idea of what a woman should be and all that...
anyway, I do thank everyone. I know that this question will be posed to me a lot come the holidays, I'm thinking of writing up a FAQ. I never would have been able to really admit to my mom how I feel with out knowing that there are other people like me out there. It kind of feels like I was coming out to her.
Anyway, thank you all so much for giving me the courage to be true to myself.
I just turned 25, and I'm a nanny. I always tell everyone I couldn't imagine taking care of children as a career and then coming home to my own children. So I say I have to completely change careers before I can even think about having children, unless I marry a guy who makes enough money to enable me to be a stay at home mom. I KNOW, though, I DO want to have a family someday. I want to feel that little warmth in my heart for my children, like the one I know my mom has for me. I've worked with children for 10 years professionally and even longer unprofessionally because I was a babysitter at the age of 11. But for now having a baby is not good for me. I like coming home (or going to my boyfriend's) and having the opportunity to do as I please. I'm very happy when my period comes every month. I sometimes feel incredibly selfish, but to put it honestly, I like sleeping in on the weekends. But if I muse over it for awhile and when tears come to my eyes when I see the girls I nanny for do something I'm so proud of, I know what I'm missing. My biological clock is definitely ticking. But it's sort of a slow, non-urgent ticking. And I'm okay with that for now. I wish everyone happiness with their choices -- it'll be okay either way. If you can't bless your own child's life, there are many other ways to touch the lives of children. I know if I happen to never be blessed with a child, I can volunteer with CASA or a children's hospital. There are a myriad of opportunities. Happiness and peace to all
Personally I think there are waaaaay too many people in the world and it's kind of a nice thing population-wise that not everybody wants kids! I think if you don't want them don't have them.....my sister is childless and perfectly happy, and I love having an autie to spoil my kids when we're too broke raising them to do so!
I have never wanted children and if anyone is rude enough to ask me when I'm having children, they better be prepared for a rude answer
I think part of it may be because I have a younger sister with Down Syndrome and taking care of her will be like taking care of young children who never grow up!
To get all the benefits that go with it girls of today often see having a child as a way to access to money and housing.
Whoa, that's insane! I was a single parent at 20. I got pregnant because I had this "it couldn't happen to me" philosophy about birth control, not having any thoughts about anything long-term like access to money and housing.
That said, I think it's really disrespectful for people to inquire about the state of someone else's fertility. Asking if a couple is going to have children sounds just as crazy as "so, have you hit menopause yet?"
I totally understand and respect child-free by choice. More people need to make that decision. I agree with K8-EEE - our generation is going to see the onset of a world population crisis.
Last edited by phantastica; 09-30-2007 at 03:43 PM.
.My SIL is like that and I feel soooo bad for her children who are now suffering due to not having a stable homelife,and all because their mom HAD to have children,because to her,thats what you did.Of course with no clue how she's going to raise them,who's going to watch them during the day,or who will babysit when she wants to go out by herself every weekend 
Ok...I'll stop now,lol.
Now him I wish would be around for my lifetime! 
I go through life pretty much at peace with myself and I don't have a lot of stress, not even at a job which gets crazy sometimes. I can deal with that. 
My sister, who is older by 15 years, also never got married or had kids. It has made my mom a little sad that she's not going to have biological grandkids (plus, she wonders where the money is going to go...I told her, what I don't spend on life, health and luxury is going to animal organizations after I go), but she is a surrogate grandma to a family of four very young kids who have only one biological grandparent left who happens to be a cold woman. So she gets to be a grandma and I get off the hook. 
