Wisconsin has a website you can pull up anyone's offenses on (for free) -- I would call the court in your state and see if they have one. We aren't trying to say he's a bad guy, just trying to make sure you are taking care of yourself -- I've learned that when dad and everyone around me are concerned -- there's a good reason. You should be given all the information available to make the best decision for you. Whatever you find out, may even help your dad feel better. My husband had a silly offense with probation from high school and it was long gone by the time he was over 20.
I agree with kaplods - I've never heard of a 26-year-old on juvenile probation. Usually, your juvenile record is expunged, unless you commit offense after offense after offense to be in eternal probation. "If there are ANY violent offenses, do not accept his proposal - the risk is too great." - good point there, too.
ALSO - you're both grown. Your dad can't dictate who you can and cannot love. Yes, I know it's tough for your parents to disapprove of who you're going to marry, but I can sort of relate...
See, I'm in a relationship with another woman. My parents like her as a person, but they're both VERY homophobic/anti-gay and they think it's just a phase. I've dated guys in the past. There's a possibility I'll date guys in the future. My parents find the both ways bit to be ESPECIALLY incomprehensible and figure it must be a choice. We've been together 2 years. There hasn't been any commitment ceremony talk yet, but that doesn't mean there won't be... and I know my parents won't be there. it's kind of heartbreaking, but I try not to think about it...
How do your friends feel about Doug? If you're with him, love him, and want to spend the rest of your life with him, then he must be very good to you, allowing you to share that special and rare connection with him. While saying that, "probation!" "doesn't make a lot of money!" and "slow learner!" are red flags of concern in most parents' (and superficial people's) minds. They have your best interests at heart - really - in this case, they're just trying to look out for you. Parents never let go of the supposed ability to make their children's decisions
He doesn't have to be a bad guy to be the wrong guy for you. I'm just saying that you need to know everything about a person you're considering making a life with. This means taking nothing he says at face value without confirmation from his actions (towards you and other people) and from his friends, family, and any source of information you can find.
I did a background check on my husband (and other men I dated). And when I dated my husband, I took every "negative" thing his family and friends said about him to heart, even if I didn't see it myself. I'm really glad I did. Nothing they said convinced me he wasn't right for me, but as we've been married, it's been funny how often when he does something I find annoying, I have to say to myself "it's not like I wasn't warned."
I should mention that when we were dating, my mother HATED David, (now husband) with an absolute passion. It's funny, because now she totally denies it (unless he irritates her, and then he's on her poop list again).
I'm definitely not trying to make your decision for you. You're fully capable of that, though your decision needs to be based on ALL of the information you can gather, and it doesn't seem you've done that yet.
There are a lot of online background checks you can do, like Net Detectives for example. And alot of it is free. However, the advantage of going to the courthouse, is that in most jurisdictions you can actually get the court files to read. Sometimes this can be done the same day you go in, sometimes you have to have an appointment (you can definitely call your local courthouse and ask how to go about getting a background check on someone, or actually seeing a court file). The advantage of looking at the court file is that you often get police reports, witness statements, and transcripts of what key people (him, witnesses, victims, attorneys, the judge...) have all said, and what the court has ordered as part of his sentence(s).
My cousin was "slow" ~ raised a family ~ held a steady job at the casino ~ BUT....needed MUCH help from my Aunt and Uncle over the years. He passed away too young, at 40 from cancer a few years ago...but what a sweet man he was.
He never had any trouble with the law though.
As far as meeting with your pastor goes, I am not sure why you wouldn't want to seek his advice...it is most natural in most churches to seek God's blessing on marraige.
Seems like there are a lot of adults against this....makes me a little concerned also.
okay, a lot of posts to reply to so forgive me if I miss something...
I have been putting off going to the police station to get his records...which I'm assuming I can do instead of the court house? I just didn't want to do this behind his back. here is a long story...
When Doug was a baby his dad left and when he was 4 his mom dropped him off at a FireStation...he's been in the Foster system until middle school when his "dad" or "legal guardian" took him on as a foster child. He's always had a learning disability (not noticeable if you're just talking with him), and like I said I was told he was in trouble in High School. Doug has been told by his "legal guardian...he never adopted Doug" that he is still on probation...anytime he's supposed to have been off, if he gets a speeding ticket or something similar he gets longer probation. What I THINK is going on is that his dad has been lying to him to keep him in the home. His "dad" takes Doug's paycheck every week and only gives him $20 of it. I think Doug is being naive...he's not stupid. But you're right...I should go and see if there are any records...for my own safety and to see if what Doug says stands true (which I pray with all my heart that it is).
I know there is a lot that doesn't make sense and believe me...I've been very confused but have chosen to believe Doug. I've known Doug since he was 20 and my brother knew him before that and he hasn't been in any trouble while we've known him. SOMETHING is going on. Should I mention that Doug's "dad" is a police officer? A dirty cop at that....he's the biggest lier I've ever known. He's sent my parent's pastor emails about my parents lying about them...it really broke my parent's hearts. See...so a lot of this could be his "dad's" doing.
Tomorrow I will go to the police station to get records....I'll let you guys know...I hope I know the truth.
Good luck. Sounds kind of like "Dad" is causing the trouble (not yours). I bet you are right, but your boyfriend is trying to not cause trouble and who wouldn't believe their dad! I hope you find nothing and you should definitely let him know what you find out -- would he want to go with you? I've never head of being "automatically on probation" just because you are a foster kid.
Good luck. Sounds kind of like "Dad" is causing the trouble (not yours). I bet you are right, but your boyfriend is trying to not cause trouble and who wouldn't believe their dad! I hope you find nothing and you should definitely let him know what you find out -- would he want to go with you? I've never head of being "automatically on probation" just because you are a foster kid.
So many things going on in my head right now...I'm so hurt and confused. I was told that I shouldn't be going behind his back so my brother (Doug's best friend) is talking to him tonight ...having a heart to heart to say "look, if you want to marry my sister, my family needs to know the truth; and if you don't know the truth, then we can find out for you"...basically. I will be relieved when this part is over. I knew I'd have to deal with this at sometime...I just didn't think it would be that soon. It does LOOK like his dad is causing the problem...*crosses fingers* I mean, I hate to deal with a dad like that, but I'd hate even MORESO that my boyfriend had been lying to me.
I need to hit the gym and work some of this anxiety out...
At first I thought you were a Buffalo Sabres fan, from the title of the thread.
As a mom, I can tell you I want nothing more for my son or daughter to be happy. If they pick someone that I'm not totally thrilled with, but they are happy, then I'll have to deal with that when the time comes. BUT, you're talking criminal history here and your dad's paternal instinct is kicking in to protect you...not deprive you of what you want. We, as parents, tell our kids NO when we think they're doing something dangerous or just plain stupid (like jumping off the roof or eating worms). Listen to your dad and just play it safe...take your time...don't make any commitments with this guy until you are ABSOLUTELY SURE!! Marriage is tough to get through in perfect situations...add in the elements you're adding in and it'll be a really tough row to hoe. Just be careful and don't get yourself talked into something you're oging to regret!! And need a lawyer to get out of!!
so I have found that I can do the same search online as I can going to the state police. I went to MSP.gov and it's $10 (which is the same as going to the station to do it)....so now I'm just getting up the guts to do it. *sigh* There are some things that don't necessarily have to be on the police criminal records....and I may have to go to the courts to get those? Anyone know how that process works? I don't even know where the courthouse is.
I'm so scared to do this. I know it seems I should've done this a long time ago, but truth is, I'm only doing it because my dad has requested it. I love Doug so much and this is killing me inside. It's going to kill him inside if I do this and find out that what he is telling me is true...because I will HAVE to tell him I did this search...I can't keep that from him...especially if all he has been is honest to me.
Supposedly the accusation was this... He was dating a girl in Highschool and they went to the prom together and afterwards they slept with each other...the parents found out and pretty much made her report it to the police as rape. and supposedly he wasn't actually charged...or convicted. I know this doesn't really tell anyone much. You have to remember that sometimes his words don't escape him very well and he doesn't explain things the way someone else would. *sigh*
Alright guys....I feel quite a bit of relief right now.
No criminal record...that doesn't mean that something didn't happen when he was a juvenile...but the point is, as far as I know, he has not lied to me. And also...this means his father has been lying to him for years. What a shame...to take advantage of your own son like that. And Doug DOES view him as his father.
This whole thing is a trust issue, and I trust Doug. I'm going to believe what he told me about being in trouble in High School...heck, he COULD have told me he was in trouble with drugs or something. But how many girls would risk their life to someone who came out and said that they were accused of rape? I know that scares people, but I also know that many young men are played with and then accused of something they didn't do. I don't take the matter of rape lightly...I was raped two years ago this Christmas. Doug and I have been together for almost 4 years and has never shown the tendencies of someone who is a rapist...has never shown that kind of aggression with anything.
I understand ya'lls concern, but I love Doug and I won't continue to decieve him and to view him as a liar. Boy....what a bunch of poop...ugh
Hopefully, you will have a long engagement so Doug gets to practice living on his own and fiscal responsibility. Has he ever paid bills? Had a checking account? Savings? He is 26 years old!
Doing a background check on someone you want to date, or have been dating isn't a bad thing. You shouldn't do it only on people you "don't trust." It's human nature to put your best foot forward, and gloss over or avoid talking about things that might scare another person away.
You did good, not only for yourself, but for him. If you got the report I think you got, even adult charges without convictions would have been reported.
It's very possible, given what you say that there never was any actual probation (he would have had to go to court and visit with a probation officer at least once).
I think you have alot of challenges to face with this relationship. That doesn't mean it's impossible, just that it's going to take a lot of work. Counseling would be great for both of you, because you both are going to have to deal with each other's parents, and your boyfriend may need some help in standing up to his father. (I'm adopted myself, so I'm definitely of the opinion if he cosiders the man his father, than that is who he is, and has to be dealt with as). Most communities have low cost mental health counseling available. If you are he are churchgoers, meeting with the pastor(s) would also be helpful.
Hopefully, you will have a long engagement so Doug gets to practice living on his own and fiscal responsibility. Has he ever paid bills? Had a checking account? Savings? He is 26 years old!
Yes he has paid bills...but he does need some help with responsibility when it comes to money. I think this is where my mom would be a great teacher....she's taught me well about recording things and making sure you stay on track. I think she could really help him. She's willing to as well.
He has not had a checking account due to his dad taking most of his money from his check. And just an FYI....his dad opened CREDIT CARD accounts in Doug's name without Doug knowing and USED them. What is this called guys? Do you think this is right???
He has not had a checking account due to his dad taking most of his money from his check. And just an FYI....his dad opened CREDIT CARD accounts in Doug's name without Doug knowing and USED them. What is this called guys? Do you think this is right???
Well, that is certainly not ethical or right and is illegal. When and how did Doug discover this fraud? If I were Doug I would report that to the credit company and have them do a fraud investigation. Does he have a verifiable disability? There are community advocates who could help in these cases. Best of luck.
"If there are ANY violent offenses, do not accept his proposal - the risk is too great." - good point there, too. 
it's kind of heartbreaking, but I try not to think about it...
