LLV, sorry to hear that you are still having the lack of desire for your partner. I've been down that road with my first husband. It's definitely hard. When I was married to him, I had no desire to have sex with HIM but I was attracted physically to other men. (but never acted on it). I felt like our life together was boring and mundane. I would almost cringe if he touched me. I lived that way for 5 yrs. because I didn't want a divorce due to my son. I actually felt like I was suffocating. I knew that a divorce was imminent when I realized that when I got home from work that I was dissappointed if his truck was in the driveway. I just wanted to be left alone. We only had sex once every few months. I convinced him to sleep in the guest bedroom because of his "snoring" when really I just didn't want him to touch me. I finally insisted on divorce because I felt like this wasn't fair to ME or HIM. We went to marriage counseling . But, you can't make yourself Love or Desire someone. He quickly remarried and has been with his new wife for 16 yrs. now. I later remarried and have been with my DH for 10 yrs.
With this marriage, I feel totally different in the sex department. Of course, My DH wants it every night and only gets it every 3 or 4 nights. But, when he does, I'm an active participant.
I loved your comment of about not wanting to eat the same steak for 16 yrs. For now, I'll stick to this same steak, cause it tastes like Prime Rib to me. LOL.
LLV, sorry to hear that you are still having the lack of desire for your partner. I've been down that road with my first husband. It's definitely hard. When I was married to him, I had no desire to have sex with HIM but I was attracted physically to other men. (but never acted on it). I felt like our life together was boring and mundane. I would almost cringe if he touched me. I lived that way for 5 yrs. because I didn't want a divorce due to my son.
Oh my gosh, I'm looking in a mirror here.
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Originally Posted by lilybelle
I actually felt like I was suffocating. I knew that a divorce was imminent when I realized that when I got home from work that I was dissappointed if his truck was in the driveway. I just wanted to be left alone. We only had sex once every few months. I convinced him to sleep in the guest bedroom because of his "snoring" when really I just didn't want him to touch me. I finally insisted on divorce because I felt like this wasn't fair to ME or HIM. We went to marriage counseling . But, you can't make yourself Love or Desire someone. He quickly remarried and has been with his new wife for 16 yrs. now. I later remarried and have been with my DH for 10 yrs.
I'm glad that you're happy now
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilybelle
I loved your comment of about not wanting to eat the same steak for 16 yrs. For now, I'll stick to this same steak, cause it tastes like Prime Rib to me. LOL.
I think that's wonderful!
Thank you and thanks to everyone else for chiming in and telling me your stories, I REALLY appreciate it.
I know how you feel LLV. I am young though, and this shouldn't be happening to me. I have been with my partner 4 years, and I just don't ever want to have sex anymore. I get annoyed with how he bugs me about it.
I do love him so much though, and I can't imagine what my life would be like with him not in it..But I keep finding myself attacted to one of my guy friends..who is also engaged. So of course I would never act on it, but I keep dreaming about this other guy and fantasizing.
I feel like something must be wrong with me for not being sexually attractd to him anymore. He is a great guy, and deserves it...SIIIGH.
First of all, let me start by saying we both go out every week. Sometimes together, sometimes not. I personally prefer to go out by myself once in a while with my friends. He does the same thing. Twice (sometimes three times) a week. I go out one night. Friday. He goes out every Thursday night and Saturday night. Maybe one other night in between that.
(editing to report that it's 2:30am and he's still gone. I RARELY stay out past midnight)
So anyway, I was out at the club I go to last night with my friends. Without my knowing, he found a babysitter for our son and showed up there. I had no idea he was coming. But when a good friend of mine told me to look down at the other end of the bar to see who was there, I saw him sitting there. Just watching me. Fine. Whatever. I wasn't happy. Him and I had gotten into an argument earlier that evening and I totally didn't want to be bothered by him for the rest of the night.
But I went ahead and went down to the end of the bar he was sitting at to talk to him. He totally blew me off. Treated me like I was a complete stranger. In fact, I've seen him treat strangers better than he did me. So I finally gave up trying to talk to him and went back down to the other end of the bar where I had been shooting pool. He gets up, walks out. I call him from my cell and asked him where he went. He said he was going back home. By then I couldn't stay at the bar anymore, my evening was totally ruined. So I left and headed home myself.
At home we got into this huge fight and he tears off at 3am in his car to go gawd only knows where. I went to bed.
Tonight everything is all peachy because he's out with his buddies, probably at the "girlie" bar they go to. And then if he doesn't get any attention from the ladies there, he'll come home wanting me to give it up. And it's NOT going to happen. Probably not for a long time. Not after last night. He can wish upon a star if he thinks I'll do that again. Not for a long time. Maybe never.
You want to give my 'husband' some advice?
Tell him to grow up. And stop condemning me for wanting to have a life, but yet turning around and pulling the same crap he drills ME for.
Edit: ooooooooo, sorry, was having a rant moment, LOL. Pay me no mind!
Not to be dis-respectful here, but he is not your husband...I am not sure why you keep saying that? Not knowing either of you personally but based on what you have posted, I would guess that your relationship has pretty much been this way from the get-go. I would just advise him that it would probably be in his best interest (and yours) to move on.
Edit: ooooooooo, sorry, was having a rant moment, LOL. Pay me no mind!
Everyone needs a place to vent their frustrations...this is a good place for that! We may not always like what we here...but...it does give us something to think about!
Yes, I still care about him. And I do still love him as a person and we get along just fine most of the time with only the normal little spats here and there.
Like I said, we get along fine, we go out together with friends, we get along normally at home, nothing much has really changed.
LLV,
I noticed a big difference between the way you first describe your relationship with your long-term partner and the post from last night. I suspect that there's a lot more going on here and it might be healthier for you both to go your own way.
I feel the same way sometimes, but I am pretty sure the feelings are linked to my hormones. After all, libido is libido. Do you feel like other men are more attractive, or are you just not interested at all? Definitely something I would talk to my doctor about to see if it's physical, or psychological. Could be that the weight loss is tied to your feelings... like you don't complete right now. At any rate... best of luck to you.
Everyone needs a place to vent their frustrations...this is a good place for that! We may not always like what we here...but...it does give us something to think about!
I appreciate you saying that because I really needed to get that off my chest. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I have a best friend, yes, but every time I tell her about this sort of thing, she acts like she feels more sorry for HIM than she does ME. And that's fine, that's her prerogative, whatever. But it doesn't help me.
Oh, and I just noticed your comment about the husband thing. I know he's not my husband, that's why I put "husband" in the quotations. As I said earlier, "husband" isn't accurate and "boyfriend" sounds so high schoolish, so I either say 'husband' or partner
Quote:
Originally Posted by KylieH
LLV,
I noticed a big difference between the way you first describe your relationship with your long-term partner and the post from last night.
Well, yes, him and I had sort of a falling out Friday night.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KylieH
I suspect that there's a lot more going on here and it might be healthier for you both to go your own way.
I totally agree. But he's now doing the same thing he always does, he's acting completely normal like nothing ever happened
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunspell
I feel the same way sometimes, but I am pretty sure the feelings are linked to my hormones. After all, libido is libido. Do you feel like other men are more attractive, or are you just not interested at all?
I look at other men.
Bigtime.
I just don't want my partner sexually anymore. And as many times as I've pushed him away and as many times as I've actually talked to him about this and flat out TOLD him I don't want sex anymore (I've even gone as far as telling him to freakin' go find somebody else to play with), he still doesn't get it.
EZMoney has a point. It doesn't really sound like your relationship is founded on common purposes and understanding. If you each sat down, you could fill a notebook with how the other person is selfish, childish, and "not one to talk." That only isn't a marriage, it isn't love as most people think of it, and it certainly isn't respect.
If neither of you respects the other, nor have any interest in learning to doing so, staying in the "relationship," is only damaging you each, and the children far more. You are their model for a "normal" relationship, and it seems to be a horrifying one.
I can sympathize with your situation, but EZMoney isn't the only one who can see it from your man's point of view.. Your posts imply that he is ONLY interested in sex and should find it elsewhere. Well, the fact is, it would be easier for him to find it elsewhere than at home, so it isn't sex he's looking for. I'm not "blaming" either of you, but why on earth are you still together if you aren't trying to learn compatibility and compassion, and yes even love and lust.
Lack of interest in sex is the very least of your issues. Of course you don't want sex with this man, you don't seem to like him very much, and have less respect for him (according to the content and tone of this and other posts).
Now maybe, you only vent when you're angry and have a grievance to air, and maybe you have moments of true love and affection for this man you've chosen to share a good portion of your life with, but there's not a shred of evidence to that effect in your post.
You've undoubtedly heard it before, but you and he really need relationship therapy. EVEN if you separate today, because you will always be linked through your children until and even (in their hearts) after your death. You don't want their strongest memory to be of how badly you and he despise each other.
I know this is a bit of a rant, but I work very hard at "cultivating," my marriage, and as a result my husband and our relationship is the very best thing in my life. I would like every couple to have what we have. It tears me up to see people suffer in a relationship that hasn't been brought to it's full potential, and especially when it is damaging one or both partner.
Whether you "end up" with him, someone else, or no one as a result, I would
strongly urge you to seperate and go into counseling separately and together IMMEDIATELY. You and your children deserve better.
EZMoney has a point. It doesn't really sound like your relationship is founded on common purposes and understanding. If you each sat down, you could fill a notebook with how the other person is selfish, childish, and "not one to talk." That only isn't a marriage, it isn't love as most people think of it, and it certainly isn't respect.
Thank you for your post, I appreciate your input. It's really hard to get the big picture incorporated in just a few posts, so I understand that you all can only go by what you're seeing here.
But I agree with you, we definitely need to do something. And yes, for my son. More for him than for me.
one last thought from me - go back and read the thread you posted at Christmas time regarding your son and his father.
I'm sure it's buried deep by now.
Believe me, I know the pattern. And I know what I should be doing. It's just I'm worried about many things and the main one being that I'll lose my son. I don't work. If my partner and I would split up, my son would most likely be taken away from me.
I take care of this house, I 'pay' all of the bills, I keep track of EVERYTHING. I have many obligations and responsibilities. So it's not that I don't work, I just don't get paid for it. Unfortunately. But in turn I have a decent house to live in and raise my son in. If my partner and I would split up, that would most likely be lost.
So yeah, I'm the classic example of a female "trapped" in a situation that is way easier said than done to get out of. Many women say, "Just do it!" But I guess I'm just a big chicken
Just editing to say that I appreciate everyone's input very much. I'll figure something out. I think the first thing that needs to happen is sit down with said partner and have a nice long talk.
.......
Just editing to say that I appreciate everyone's input very much. I'll figure something out. I think the first thing that needs to happen is sit down with said partner and have a nice long talk.
Thanks everyone!
Yep, I was a little "nasty" with the "husband" comment...but I believe in marraige. I think that sitting down with a qualified third party is a great idea if you both intend to save this relationship. Good luck to you.
Yes, that was me. And yes, I'm still stuck in the same situation.
Don't get me wrong, ok? This is a very tough thing to explain. I'm content with my current situation. I'm content with my living arrangements, I'm content with my social relationship with said partner - I'm just not content sexually. My posts before about this situation were confusing because I was confused. Well I'm not confused anymore. I figured it out. I want sex with someone else.
It's really just as simple as that.
However, I know I'd never have the guts to do it.
wow, I am so the same way!
I am happy with everything, except that I don't seem to be sexually attrcted to dh anymore. Sometimes that is a huge understatement. I have never really had to confront the issue before because like I said in the other thread, I don't usually have much desire either, and I have a guy who doesn't seem to ever be in the mood either? So at least there's no conflict there..
....stay out of this thread....
....I just can't....
call me, I DO have some ADVICE for him 
