If you want a renewed loving relationship with your husband, start by remembering how you felt about him at the beginning when he was your lover. Bringing all those wonderful, sexy memories to mind will help you look upon him more kindly.
I've tried all of that, honey, believe me. This has been an ongoing thing for a very long time (way before I lost weight, so I don't want to hear anyone say, "well now that you're thin again, you're more attractive to other men and it's making you itchy," (believe me, I've heard that one, LOL) and I've spent years trying to back back what I felt for him before. But I just can't. Not sexually, anyway.
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Originally Posted by Gladdy
I used to be totally annoyed when my significant other would grab me while I was doing dishes or some chore...but then I thought, "Hey, I'm still desirable. That's a good thing."
Well, yes, but there's a fine line between feeling desirable and feeling violated.
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Originally Posted by Gladdy
If that doesn't work, my girlfriend always says the best aphrodisiac is a new man. (Just kidding!) But there is some truth to that and one way to turn it around is to reinvent your husband as your NEW MAN.
Like I said, hon, I've tried. But it's just not there for me anymore
I guess I just feel love in different ways-and sex isn't one of them. I would go to the end of the earth for my husband...and I am always making him things, giving him little presents and notes/cards...and otherwise showing love-but I just have no desire in the sexual area. None.
It feels like a chore-and I actually feel at times like when it does happen, that it is taking time away from me that I could be doing something more productive/enjoyable with-such as reading, SLEEPING, a chore that needs to be done, etc.
Yes! I feel the same way. It's like ugh, you want sex? Fine, let's just do it and get it done so I can go to sleep.
No, I never actually say that to him, but it's what I'm thinking. And I feel so BAD for that! Here this poor man is, assuming I'm enjoying myself and assuming he's turning me on, and he's not.
My husband and I have been together 11 years. We tried to have a baby for 2 1/2 years and couldn't. He actually started refering to me as the sperm ****. That really put a damper on our relationship. Neither one of us wanted the other. I finally got pregnant and had the baby. Then we never had any time to ourselves. That hurt us too. After Holden got a little older, we started re-connecting. Lying in-bed watching a movie or one of our TV shows. Going to dinner alone. Now we're better than ever, but we still schedule some alone time and try not to add any pressure. If it happens it happens, if not tomorrow is another day. We also do naughty things like meet at home for lunch, a little dirty text message here and there. It really does help.
As far as not wanting your man anymore. I can understand that. I use fantasy to keep it interesting for me. I also don't face him very often. It puts less pressure on. If I'm bored he can't see my face and he doesn't know..ha..ha..
Do you think this is a passing phase or are you ready to move on? From what you describe, I think you feel overly pressured and that's always a turn off. I hope you sort this out. Life is too short to spend it unhappy.
What really gets me is all the magazine articles that boast that women over 40 are feeling more sexually active. What the? Who are these women (certainly not me!)? Should this make me feel like a freak because I don't feel that way?
I feel just like most of you (low desire, feeling that I need to do my wifely duties) and my DH often wonders why our twice per week is more like once per week (and even then I could do without). Frankly, I'd rather sleep. (And a quickie in the morning is actually better for me because it is just that--a quickie!).
Don't get me wrong, DH and I have been married almost 19 years and we lived together for at least a year before that. I love him. We never fight (less than 5 fights in our lives). We are very compatible, but it's just that male-female incongruity going on. Maybe I should talk to my doctor about hormones--I'm on the pill, but I'm sure there are different hormones in different brands. I had a girlfriend that after her hysterectomy was put on a hormone with a teeny-tiny amount of testosterone and she said it did wonders for her libido.
Just remember this, LLV, you're not alone and much of what you said that you do or think is exactly what I think also!
Different meds will definitley mess with the daily libido. When I'm on the pill or anti-depressants my desire will plumett (sp). Right now I'm not on anything and it's back up.
Different meds will definitley mess with the daily libido. When I'm on the pill or anti-depressants my desire will plumett (sp). Right now I'm not on anything and it's back up.
YES!! The pill definitely killed it for me, too. I figured that's how the pill works...it gave me zits, made me cranky and I also had a bad odor with it. I figured, who wants to have sex with me? I was about as approachable as a rabid skunk!!
I don't think sexual "discrepancies" have to drive a wedge between a couple, but it's sure hard to prevent it. I remember telling me husband when we met, that I'd never "faked" it, and never would. I was naive. Even when I really was very "into" activities, there were times when my body just wouldn't cooperate, and while I was ok fine with the occasional "systems failure," he wasn't. It was easier to do a little acting than to deal with HIS disappointment.
Even when my sex drive was out of control, I think my husband and I still looked at sex alot differently. For me, it was something to indulge in "after," important obligations were met - sort of a reward for being responsible in other areas. For hubby, it wasn't often a was a priority, but when it was, it was "top" prioity and everything else could be done later - even make up after an argument. We just heard on a Christian radio program, a speaker say that men needed to realize that for a woman sex was "the cherry on the top of a good day, not a way out of a bad one." I think for men, sometimes sex is the "way" to say everything from "I'm sorry," to "I love you."
My mom always joked that a man's solution for every problem is sex. Had a bad day. Sex will fix it. Have a headache. Sex will fix it. Feeling depressed. Sex will fix it. Stressed. Sex will fix it.
I'm confused as to whether this is a "my partner sucks" thread or a "i don't feel like having sex anymore" thread. So I guess I'll just post about both.*LOL*
My husband can do and say things that are hurtful and if I ever say anything about it, it somehow blows up into this huge argument, so a lot of times I will just not say anything and then just be silently angry. I know that either way is unhealthy. We (and a lot of the other couples described in this thread) could probably benefit from some good marriage counseling.
As for sex, for most of our relationship I had the higher sex drive. I would beg, dress up, plead - and he'd shoot me down. I got to a point where I felt so bad about it that I stopped asking and would turn him down whenever he did want it and we barely had sex even once a month or less.
Now that we've lost some weight, and he is taking vitamins... his libido has kicked into gear and I still feel...MEH about the whole thing. Basically, it's been a lot of compromise on both sides.
I really think if you want to be with the person you find ways to make it work. Once you "just do it" you start to want it more again, if you're bored you talk to your partner and come up with something new, there are books and websites and erm.. tools out there to make things more interesting.
If you're just plain sick and tired of the person and have no desire to have sex with them ever again - perhaps it's time to try counseling or just move on. No amount of being comfortable is worth losing your happiness over. Especially when you think about it in the context of losing weight. It's comfortable to just stay fat, wear sweats and eat whatever I want to... but it's not good for me, it's unhealthy, and in the end I'm going to regret it.
As far as not wanting your man anymore. I can understand that. I use fantasy to keep it interesting for me. I also don't face him very often. It puts less pressure on. If I'm bored he can't see my face and he doesn't know..ha..ha..
LOL! Yep, I've done that too.
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Originally Posted by Holdensmom
Do you think this is a passing phase or are you ready to move on? From what you describe, I think you feel overly pressured and that's always a turn off. I hope you sort this out. Life is too short to spend it unhappy.
If it's only a passing phase, then it's one that's lasted for many years. So no, I don't think it's a phase. I just don't desire him. That's the bottom line.
And then when I DO give him sex, he drives me up the wall all the next day, emailing me from work, telling me how much he misses me.
Jeez, get over it, already!
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Originally Posted by alinnell
What really gets me is all the magazine articles that boast that women over 40 are feeling more sexually active. What the? Who are these women (certainly not me!)? Should this make me feel like a freak because I don't feel that way?
Yeah! What happened to our "peak"??????
LOL
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Originally Posted by lizziness
IEspecially when you think about it in the context of losing weight. It's comfortable to just stay fat, wear sweats and eat whatever I want to... but it's not good for me, it's unhealthy, and in the end I'm going to regret it.
Now there's a wonderful way of putting it. That made perfect sense!
I think an important thing to keep in mind is that this not YOUR problem. You're perfectly fine (unless this guy is bothering you!) and do not need to be "fixed" with medications, hormones, fantasies, tricks, etc. I also think it's important to remember that you don't owe anyone sex! If a guy didn't want sex a woman could not coerce or guilt-trip to get it, so a man shouldn't be able to either.
I think an important thing to keep in mind is that this not YOUR problem. You're perfectly fine (unless this guy is bothering you!) and do not need to be "fixed" with medications, hormones, fantasies, tricks, etc. I also think it's important to remember that you don't owe anyone sex! If a guy didn't want sex a woman could not coerce or guilt-trip to get it, so a man shouldn't be able to either.
Thank you, sweetie, I appreciate that ~hug~
And no, I don't think I need pills or anything. Like I said, it's not my libido that's broken - it's simply my desire for HIM. I mean, I can't really attribute it to anything else other than the simple fact that I'M BORED.
Dangerous combination is right! LOL. Because you can be "unbored" with a cheating, deceitful, immature, narcissitic, self-absorbed, controlling, porn happy, piously hypocritical, whiny cheapskate...oh, sorry, ...my EX just came to mind!
One more thing,...I think that intimacy is a priority too, not an afterthought. It is an undeniable part of companionship; it is why we yearn for someone.
Everybody wants to know what's "normal," but it's not like knowing has any practical application. Whether you're "normal" or not doesn't matter, you feel how you feel. I also agree that you don't owe a partner sex, a meal or even a kind word, but relationships need work or they die under the strain of stress, anger, boredom and all the other pulls on our attention. Whether you choose to reinvent the relationship to keep it fun and interesting, accept the status quo, or leave it really is an individual decision no one can or should make for you.
I also don't think you "need" to be fixed, or that you "should" or "shouldn't have sex when it's not your top priority. I know it seems archaic for a woman to ever have sex when she's not really into it, but I don't see it as much different than other activities in our marriage. Sometimes I go with my husband to visit his parents, even though I'd much rather stay home. Sometimes I watch a show HE wants to watch rather than going into the bedroom (where I prefer to watch tv anyway) to watch what I want alone. And sometimes he does the same for me.
Sometimes we have sex when he isn't really in to it, and sometimes we have sex when I'm not really into it. Sometimes once things get started, we're both into it, and sometimes we find out midway, that neither of us is into it. Yes, for "normal" sex the guy has to be at least a little into it, but if you're definition of sex is a bit more open, that's not even true.
We have control over more than we think we do sometimes though. When I'm "not in the mood," or otherwise resentful everything he does annoys the heck out of me. When I'm feeling generous or loving, the exact same behaviors are "romantic."
I can't really give good advice for chronic boredom, because I'm still a newlywed. We met less than 6 years ago, and have been married only 4 1/2. The bloom is not yet off the rose. Not that my husband isn't a very flawed individual though (yeah me too). He's arrogant, and sometimes self-absorbed, yet has a "white knight," complex and always wants to "save" me from situations I can easily take care of. He reads my emotions very well - TOO WELL, and it seems I either love or hate him. His "good" qualities usually drive me battier than his faults. He drives me absolutely NUTS with the "are you ok?s" and the "what can I do for you's?" and his unsolicited advice that makes NO sense at all.
I have no advice for anyone, but I just want to say that it does sometimes help to hear people talk about their experiences like this, because it does show the whole RANGE of what is normal in our modern, complicated relationships. What Linda is experiencing appears to be common. But then, so are lots of other kinds of issues in relationships!
Colleen -- Thanks for sharing your take on how you handle different situations when you both do things the other wants that you don't. It helped me put some stuff from my own marriage in perspective.
