I guess the one thing about separate that would bother me...when sis and her dh had separate, her dh always had more spending money because he made more. They split household expenses evenly, and what was leftover was their own.
I dont like that concept, because it undervalued her...she was worth less because she made less.
This is what I was thinking about, too. Jeff makes less than me (and probably usually will since I have a degree and more specialized experience than him), so my thought was that by combining finances and paying our bills from a joint pot, it would be more like we were each spending the same percentage on bills, not the same amount. I just don't think it's fair that we split our bills evenly when I make more than him--I should be shouldering slightly more or the burden since I have the means--but he just wasn't getting it and said he didn't want joint. Hey, if he's happy getting the short end of the stick, then that's just fine (then again, he has no debt besides his car loan, whereas I just paid off my credit card a couple months ago and I have student loans in addition to my car loan, so I have more personal expenses)
Jill--whichever way you choose--communication is the key and what works for you as a couple--guys have issues when the wife/gf makes more money--I went through it when hubby was laid off--just talk about it and it will work out.
I can tell a few horror stories about joint accounting, of course a few worse case scenarios-
1- My SIL's first husband was very controlling--they had a joint account and he controlled it--she had to beg for money and account to the penny of what she spent--talk about feeling undervalued
2-My friend the financial advisor and her husband who owns an electric company--all they do is fight over "their" money
3-My 45 year old friend who's husband just died--didn't know how bad things were financially because he took care of everything and didn't want to worry her
I think there isn't a right way or wrong way for every couple to handle money the same. In a perfect world every married couple would be blissfully happy and there would be no money issues. But, in reality financial issues are the number one reason for Divorce. So, each couple needs to work out a solution with money that fits their individual situation.
Mine? Marriage is a total partnership - not an agreement to be "roommates" for life. I don't get the "my bills vs. his bills" concept. Once you take that vow, they're OUR bills - every last one. And every dollar that comes in to your collective pocket should be part of your family finances. We do this - but we still spend plenty of money on ourselves - but it allows us to both be aware of what the other is spending - no judgements, just sharing of a life.
Howie and I look at it this way, too. I am not good at planning and budgeting, so he handles the reconcilliation and does the bills. He inherited credit card debt when he took me on, and he never balked. When we were first married, he had a very low paying job and I had a decent paying one. Now, fifteen years later, he has the higher paying job and I work just a part-time "fun job" at a coffee shop. Feast or famine through the years, it's been in one pot and there's never been strife over who's spending whose money. It works for us.
I guess the one thing about separate that would bother me...well dh and I were both engineers, so our income was pretty close...but when sis and her dh had separate, her dh always had more spending money because he made more. They split household expenses evenly, and what was leftover was their own.
I dont like that concept, because it undervalued her...she was worth less because she made less.
That really doesn't make sense to me in that someone have more spending money than someone else. If everything else after bills is spending money, then where is the savings? I know many couple do allowances out of their budget and then the rest is savings. DH and I aren't at that point but one day soon I may sit down and give both DH and I a budget for non necessities/personal items. Right now, we are careful about our purchases and do a mental check - are we spending too much on this? are we eating out more often than we should? We need to cut down such and such expense, etc. Then I pay for all the bills, of both DH and I and the rest goes to savings. Its not a perfect system and I'd like to tighten it down more to a budget system but I'm slowly getting to that point.
DH and I haven't fought about financial issues, yet and I don't really expect us to do so but you never know. Since I have a tendency to overspend (although I've been improving over the past few years), sometimes I'll check with DH to see if a purchase is feasible. For our recent family member (a kitty), we talked about many aspects including the financial for well over a month before we decided to take the plunge and adopt her.
We have joint everything. Dh is the bill payer in our house because I'm a total airhead with finances and he knows what he wants to pay and when and how much in his head, so this way, if anything goes wrong, its his fault and not mine. I have the old, "Its just money" attitude and it drives him NUTS. This way, he's in control and he lets me know how much 'mad' money I have for groceries and all the rest. I lived on my own for many years and did my own bill paying then, so I have much faith that if anything unfortunate happened and he wasn't able to pay the bills for us, I'd be fine if I had to take over.
I'm in a new relationship, and it's so weird! I have had two singinificant relationships, and we always kept finances seperate. This time there is a house involved (his) and he wants to remortgage, absorb my debts, and have everything going into the one pot. After bills and savings, then whatever is left is ours (which won't be much because we're saving for the wedding!)
I think whatever you do with money has to work for you as a couple. I don't think there is a wrong way or a right way. In our case, df is the airhead, never knows how much he has left, or what things cost, and I am the organised one.
Savings are really important to both of us, so I think this will work for us, I'll keep you posted!
I'm in a new relationship, and it's so weird! I have had two singinificant relationships, and we always kept finances seperate. This time there is a house involved (his) and he wants to remortgage, absorb my debts, and have everything going into the one pot. After bills and savings, then whatever is left is ours (which won't be much because we're saving for the wedding!)
I think whatever you do with money has to work for you as a couple. I don't think there is a wrong way or a right way. In our case, df is the airhead, never knows how much he has left, or what things cost, and I am the organised one.
Savings are really important to both of us, so I think this will work for us, I'll keep you posted!
Congrats on the new relationship, Kylie! Didn't know about that - I'm way out of touch with 3FCers lately. How new is it?
Congratulations Kylie. I'm glad you got out of a relationship in which you weren't happy and found someone who you feel confident enough to marry and mingle finances completely. I know it was a little daunting when my DH (while he was DF) suggested that he deposit his paycheck into my checking account. I had never comingled finances so it was a new experience.
say you have $500 in your account, and you decide to buy something for $300 and your spouse also decides to buy something for $300 - OOPS.
It's not that we consult each other for every purchase ... it's more like we just know (from years of practice) what we're going to be spending money on.
Dh reads over my shoulder sometimes and he said something like this ... "If you only have $500 and you spend $300 on something the other doesn't know about .... how your accounts are set up is not your problem."
"If you only have $500 and you spend $300 on something the other doesn't know about .... how your accounts are set up is not your problem."
Amen to that! Howie does the bills and keeps me apprised of our balance and what's coming out of the account soon. We never make large purchases without talking to each other about it beforehand. Joint checking = joint decisions here.
"If you only have $500 and you spend $300 on something the other doesn't know about .... how your accounts are set up is not your problem."
AMEN! That is exactly what I was thinking when I read that. Even though Jeff and I do not have joint accounts, we don't make major purchases (I would consider anything in excess of $100 to be "major") without mentioning it to the other first (Christmas gifts and such aside ).
I guess I'm luck in that both Jeff and I are pretty tight with our money--neither of us has a spending problem or any enormous debt. Barring any major catastrophes, I don't think there would ever be a time when we'd have only $500 in an account (I get nervous when I have anything less than about $2k in my checking account, and I know Jeff has way more than me). I did have some credit card debt leftover from college, but it's all paid off now, so we just have cars and my student loan to worry about, which aren't bad debt to have (credit-wise, anyway...of course, I'd rather have NO debt, but then I also wouldn't have a degree or a car ).
I don't think there would ever be a time when we'd have only $500 in an account (I get nervous when I have anything less than about $2k in my checking account, and I know Jeff has way more than me). I did have some credit card debt leftover from college, but it's all paid off now, so we just have cars and my student loan to worry about, which aren't bad debt to have (credit-wise, anyway...of course, I'd rather have NO debt, but then I also wouldn't have a degree or a car ).
I hear you! When I was in college, I would never let my account balance drop below $1k or else I'd be really nervous. These days, I get really nervous if my checking account drops below the $2k mark. Even though I'm the only one that withdraws/pays bills out of that account, I really like my safety buffer.
As for spending money when the other one doesn't know about it. I've actually had my XH buy a brand new vehicle ($30,000) while I was at work and not even call and say a word to me about it. We had a joint account at the time. I was making at least 3 X as much as he did. This is the type of crap that spells DIVORCE. I kicked his butt to the curb. He eventually saved up and bought the tags for it. He never even made a payment on it before it was reposessed. I am just thankful that my name was never on it. (He also had bragged to his co-workers that his wife was an RN and he could have any vehicle he wanted , because she would pay for it).
After experiencing stuff like this, it's no wonder that I control the finances with my current DH. I do try to have my DH take an interest in our finances. I sit down with him each month and show him the bills. I have him help pay some on-line. I want him to know where the money goes. I do worry that if something happened to me, he wouldn't be able to figure it out by himself. He always says "you're great with the money and I like you handling it". I know that what he's saying is "I don't want to have to worry about it". I can say that anytime we're running short, I tell him and he volunteers to work overtime to remedy the shortage.
(then again, he has no debt besides his car loan, whereas I just paid off my credit card a couple months ago and I have student loans in addition to my car loan, so I have more personal expenses)
I have the old, "Its just money" attitude and it drives him NUTS. This way, he's in control and he lets me know how much 'mad' money I have for groceries and all the rest. I lived on my own for many years and did my own bill paying then, so I have much faith that if anything unfortunate happened and he wasn't able to pay the bills for us, I'd be fine if I had to take over.
).