This sucks! I need a little perspective if you guys don't mind.
I am a gym nut and I knew I would be. I compete against myself and am my own worst competitor. And that's a good thing!! But my husband is jealous and actually wants me to quit. He wants to be a personal trainer, but I'm the one running 5K's and lifting and just having a routine!! Really that's all it is. I have a routine and he does not. I have tried helping him get a routine. He can go to the gym whenever he wants. I've got the kids! No problem! I can't help it that my 5:30 time never gets interrupted. That's why I chose it! I've worked out a schedule for him to be able to come in the mornings too. I offered to get to the gym by 5:00 AM so he could come at 6:15, but of course he's not willing to do that.
It just saddens me that instead of support or an "atta girl" he actually wants me to quit. Talk about your sabotage. I don't think it's fair that I should have to back down so he can pass me.
I'm really sorry to hear that Eliana, it's a difficult situation.
My husband is not interested in going to the gym, although he really could do to, but when I first got into a routine there were a few comments made about the amount of time I spent there. Now I think he's realised I'm not going to stop for anyone, exercising, getting fit and losing the weight has saved my life I think, 12 months ago I was at rock bottom, and now I LOVE what I can do.
I haven't really got any words of advice I'm afraid, other than to just keep doing what you're doing, if he's serious about the gym he'll get into it himself, if not leave him to it and hopefully he'll realise it's making you a better person, wife, mother etc, not taking you away from him.
Agreed! Especially if he "wants to be a personal trainer" - he should be all about inspiring you, at least not minding that you go to the gym.
Keep at the gym, based on your other posts, you are doing well and it makes you happy. You are doing all you can to enable him and it's up to him to figure out his fitness goals.
You shouldn't have to back down so he can pass you. It's not a race. You're a team. Keep up the good work.
And he's doing well too! If he would only compare himself to himself he'd be as high as I am! But it's not fair for me to have to dumb it down in order for him to feel good. I thought women got to stop doing that back in the 20's.
He has issues with endurance. He has high blood pressure and a high heart rate and his meds do not help. I encouraged him along the PT lines just to get him into the gym knowing it would be good for him. And it has been! He IS progressing. If he could only just see that...
But I'm getting a little sick of the moping and the "I'm sick of you being better than me" comments.
Have you two ever been competitive with each other over some other aspect of your life, before this issue with the gym & fitness came along?
Sometimes there's a slight continuing tension in relationships, which isn't clearly articulated at length or with any drama until just the right issue comes along. And then it all gets crammed into that one issue, as if you are supposed to take it at face value, when it's really about something else that has been expressed previously in other disputes.
And I'm curious about the timing, too. Did he want to be a personal trainer before you started training? And then you took it up after him, and started exceeding him? Or did you both start working at the same time on becoming
more fit, as a sort of shared goal, and you surpassed him? Or did he follow you into the gym, after you become interested & persuaded him to take it up for the benefits you were clearly getting?
Man, Saef. You are good. If you are not a psychologist, you missed your calling.
Yes, this is a theme in our relationship, unfortunately. We are both musicians too. He has a degree in music ed. I have no degree but have taught flute lessons for 20 years. He has always seen me as superior as the musician.
With the fitness, I started first and then he got into it. But really we both started at close to the same time. It was more a shared goal. He wants to be a PT because I encouraged him to be. He suffers from depression and I knew if I could just spur an interest in him it would be good for him. And it really has been!! The depression has lifted! It's amazing! Until I start to excel...
Years of therapy, Eliana. Years & years. And a penchant for reading self-help books. And years of holding jobs where I am always trying to take a reading on the people I'm collaborating with & handing in my work to, because I am writing things for them -- and them always being male, and me being female, which makes for a bit more work sometimes, since men are harder to read. (The print is a lot smaller sometimes. ;-)
Seems to me the real issue is your husband's depression, and what kind of care he's getting for it & how he's working at overcoming it. And your own limited ability to help him with this & to pick up the slack which has come about because he is powering along at slightly less than full capacity.
I do not know what kind of care he's getting but that might be something to look at it. His self-esteem is clearly taking a beating, not due to anything you do or have done, since I do not think one person can cause or aggravate another's depression to that extent. He's making invidious comparisons, when he really shouldn't. The comparisons are easier to make because you share interests. Does he have any passion that you aren't privy to, that he could find himself & discover some aptitude or at least a competency in?
Also, you don't have to become super-energetic to compensate for his lack of energy. You just have to go on being you. Which may include challenging yourself. I cannot agree with any woman dialing it back to accommodate a man's fragility. But I think bringing the competitive feel down somewhat is something that could help. Maybe telling him less. Not hiding or sneaking, but you know. Something to make it appear more casual. Just something that would dampen that atmosphere while still letting you take this thing as far as you want to take it. Because you have that right, to grow & stretch. (Or shrink & stretch. ;-)
Amazing advice, thank you. I know in my head that it's about him, but it feels like it's about me. I wish to goodness I knew of an interest he had that I didn't! He and I are as alike as we are different.
I know I need to him less, though I'm not sharing all that much now. I guess I'll just have to come here more often to brag.
Very interesting thread Men can be so fragile, although they want to seem so macho ... Hang in there, don't back down because of him ... I agree with Saef to downplay all your successes, in front of him, as you said, just come here to brag and we'll give you all the support you need... This is why I love 3FC I can't brag at home either...
My husband is jealous of my fitness
I need a little perspective if you guys don't mind.
Men can be so fragile, although they want to seem so macho 
... Hang in there, don't back down because of him 
... I agree with Saef to downplay all your successes, in front of him, as you said, just come here to brag 
