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How do I fix the mess I have created? (warning amoral subject matter)
I realize by posting this about myself, I may well become an unwanted guest in these forums. I come hear to read everyone's inspiring words and I would hate to feel unwelcome. Unfortunately, I have a problem that I have no one else to talk to about. In January, I had a two day fling with a married cowrker (I am married also), while we were away for training. For the first few months, I was extremely depressed and wracked with guilt. As more time has gone by though, I think I have grown to have true feelings for him. The more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him. My self esteem has always been wrapped up in how others think of me and one day I think he really likes me too, the next one comment from him will make me think he hates me. Nothing physical, besides two kisses two weeks ago, has happened since January.
I love my husband and don't plan to ever leave him for this man, although I now do not think we wil be together forever. Between trying to lose weight, which I started working on in February as a result of what can only be called a nervous breakdown, trying to quit smoking (which I am doing for him) and trying to analyze every comment and action he makes, not to mention of course the guilt that still hasn't gone away, I think I am about to lose my mind.
I need the job I have. My husband has problems holding a steady job and isn't working now. I don't know how to make mysef quit wanting this guy so bad. Does anyone have any advice? Please just don't tell me I am a bad person or that it shouldn't happen because it already has and I can't take it back. I need to fix it and myself now.
Do NOT invest any more time or thought in "might have beens/might be's"
You can't fix what you did and having a full-blown affair will simply make things worse (think about it - how can you trust someone who lied to their partner already? How can someone trust you for the same reason?)
This is now a lose-lose situation. Get out, move on, Find another job, quick!
It's human nature to want what we shouldn't have, hence most of us being here. Whether it is food, cigarettes, unsuitable men, it is a matter of saying this is not good for me and not doing it anymore. Yes you may slip but it's alot easier to say no to a man you don't need than a chocolate bar, bag of cheezies or a cigarette. You must have changed some habits to lose the weight, saying no to something, apply the same principles. Besides men are over rated.
I feel so far out of the league to know what to say but I am going to try and maybe it will be helpful.
I have a very direct question: WHAT DO YOU TRULY WANT (IN YOUR LIFE)?
Go with that. Easier said than done, yes. But listen to what your heart or whatever you believe, that internal sense tells you... listen to your feelings, use your head, and be honest with yourself and those around you. Create the life you want for yourself. Be the type of person you admire. Why did you kiss your coworker? And are you truly happy with your marriage? I am not trying to suggest that I don't think you are... because honestly I don't know... but I do think they're worthwhile questions to ponder.
I am concerned about your self-esteem... as you said, that it is dependent upon others... do you have similar concerns with your husband as you do with your coworker? Ideally, our sense of self and validation should come from within... a lot of pain can come from making others responsible for the cause of our feelings... and I'm sure you don't need any more pain... I would suggest taking time to nurture your sense of self and raise your self-esteem. I know you already have much going on, but maybe when your mind is a little more at ease and because this seems crucial... I do advise it.
And lastly... you do sound like you have a lot you are toting around. Quitting smoking, losing weight, trying to decide what to do... those are large goals individually... I wonder if it wouldn't be easier for you to take some pressure off of yourself in ways that you can find it.
Good luck.. and if it's of comfort, none of us is perfect and we each need love and comfort especially when we feel we've done wrong somehow.
Yikes! You have a lot on your plate right now. It seems like you need to simplify a bit and prioritize.
You don't have to be "perfect" all at once. Quitting ciggies and dieting are HUGE changes. Can you do them both at the same time?
And this guy - put it behind you. Regardless of whether your current relationship is headed for the skids, don't see this married man socially again or allow yourself to be alone with him if you can't trust yourself. If you really want to be successful you have to be good to yourself and having a fling with a married man is REALLY STRESSFUL, not to mention the brain drain caused by thinking of what he's thinking all the time. Focus on you. What is best for you. Take care of yourself first. Focus on what you need to do to get where you want to be, and then do those things. Make a list of what you want to have accomplished by the end of the year and then list what you need to do to achieve those goals. You need to spend more time thinking of you and less of this other guy. He'll just drag you down.
Thank you guys for not being judgemental. I can't really expand much on what I said before without writing a novel but things between my husband and I are fine on the surface. There are just quite a few things in life that I want to eventually have that I don't think that he can give me or help me to achieve. I am having a very difficult time having just turned 35 and being concerned that if he and I were to split, that I would be alone the rest of my life. The attention I get from this other guy helps me to feel attractive to someone again.
Please just don't tell me I am a bad person or that it shouldn't happen because it already has and I can't take it back. I need to fix it and myself now.
You can't just "fix" it. How would you feel if this was YOU this was being done to. I hope there aren't children involved in these marriages.
I don't know how to make mysef quit wanting this guy so bad.
Sure you do. You're a grown woman, right? Well, you know how to stay away from someone you shouldn't have been messing with in the first place.
For the first few months, I was extremely depressed and wracked with guilt. As more time has gone by though, I think I have grown to have true feelings for him.
What happened to make you not feel so bad now? You went from extreme guilt, to wanting him bad? Something is missing, because it isn't adding up.
I love my husband and don't plan to ever leave him for this man, although I now do not think we wil be together forever.
You mean, you won't leave him for this man because A. This man is already married and there are no guarantees for you.
B. You don't want to be known as the one who destroyed the marriage with infidelity.
You can try to blame low self esteem issues and this or that, but no amount of sugar coating will make what you did okay. You were wrong and you know it, so there are no flimsy excuses.
What you need to do is tell your husband the truth. If you don't believe your marriage is solid anyway then get a divorce and move on with your life. You are being selfish and you know it. How would you like to play second fiddle in a marriage?
You're not a bad person. We've all made errors in judgement or indulged in temptation. I understand you have issues with Depression and can relate to those issues.
However, we have to be responsible for our actions. It's true that this is easier said than done, but that's life. Losing weight is easier said than done, but it's something we need to do. We realize it's important to be fit and treat our bodies well, so we suck it up and do it. The same principle applies here.
You need to end this relationship with this new man. Like it or not, he is unavailable to you. You're only prolonging you're suffering.
Concerning your husband, have you tried going to marriage counseling? You haven't given many details so I can't tell whether your husband hasn't been a good partner or whether things between you have simply deteriorated.
Whether you want to be honest with him about your emotional affair is up to you. Sometimes that's not always the best way to go. But the one thing you need to be honest about is how you feel about your marriage and that it needs help.
Ditto's.... no judgement from me we all make mistakes.
I have one little quote for you to keep in your heart: "Never leave the one you love, for the one you like"
You really need to try to separate your true feelings, the lust for this new guy and the love for your DH. Marriages aren't easy, they all need work and I believe with my heart yours is worth the fight.
Most things in life ARE! You didn't say you wanted the EASIEST path. You wanted to know how to fix what you had broken. As you can see, we are pretty consistent in telling you that it's NOT POSSIBLE to fix it.
You've got a life to live with honor, respect, joy, and love. Panting after a married man won't bring anything but disaster, heartache, and perhaps, the unemployment line. (Employers tend to take a dim view of office romances gone wrong.)
So get over it already and get on with your life. You are the ONLY one who can make your life what you want it to be. NO ONE ELSE can do that. Not your husband, not your lover, just YOU. Sit down and figure out just what you want out of life. Who do you want to be? The "other" woman who destroyed two marriages?
Well, yesterday I pretty much had a breakdown. I came home from work and told my husband. We are going to be OK, all he asks is that I see a counselor. I realize that doesnt fix my feelings for this other guy but at least it makes them impossible to act on. And to answer the previous poster, yes, I know I was wrong and selfish but pointing that out after the fact justs seems mean to me. I don't need people telling me that I am a bad person, I have felt that my whole life.
I'm glad you and your husband spoke, things always get worse before they get better, remember that.
I don't think anyone is calling you a bad person, which you aren't by the way.... if you were a bad person this wouldn't bother you, you'd have no remorse but you do. Your human, your working on fixing a mistake and we wish you the best of luck
I'm happy that you're going to work things out and see a counselor.
I don't believe anyone was calling you a bad person, they simply did not want to sugar coat the seriousness of the issue. When you have Depression or other mental health issues, it's easy to give up or make excuses. This tends to make your life harder in the long run, and nobody wants that to happen to you.
It sounds like you need to work on your own issues and your issues in your marriage before you commit yourself to another relationship. We all make mistakes, and I am pretty sure that you were looking to another individual to make things "right" with you, instead of making things "right" with yourself. There are worse things than being alone, that's for sure, and with counselling for yourself, and for your relationship, you WILL be in a healthier place from which you can make better decisions. Don't beat yourself up -- your fling is the expression of a symptom of a problem. Give yourself a pat on the back for seeking help to fix the problem.
Hey, it only gets BETTER from here!!!
How do I fix the mess I have created? (warning amoral subject matter)
you sound like you need a hug... 
Focus on you. What is best for you. Take care of yourself first. Focus on what you need to do to get where you want to be, and then do those things. Make a list of what you want to have accomplished by the end of the year and then list what you need to do to achieve those goals. You need to spend more time thinking of you and less of this other guy. He'll just drag you down.
You didn't say you wanted the EASIEST path. You wanted to know how to fix what you had broken. As you can see, we are pretty consistent in telling you that it's NOT POSSIBLE to fix it.
