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Mostly everyone else has already said what I wanted to say. I just have one thing to add.
If you have low self-esteem, one of the things you need to realize is that there is one thing that will make you feel better about yourself than looking good or having men attracted to you, and that is having INTEGRITY. If you do things that you know are wrong, it's going to make your self-esteem problem worse, not better, even though it may make you feel good in the moment.
As the other posters said, it's good that you are trying to rectify the situation, and I would really urge you to appreciate your husband for being so supportive.
Good luck to you--everyone makes mistakes and no one here has walked in your shoes, so none of us are in a position to judge. I applaud you for being honest and working on improving your life!
I'm glad you told your husband. to be honest he sounds like a good man. he forgave you and asked you to move forward and seek help. I hope you do it honestly and plan to work on it. BTW therapy when it's done properly is painful and hard.... at least it was for me.
my dad cheated on my mom 23 years ago. they even split up. they got back together and sadly my mom died in his arms of cancer 11 years ago but they had that time together.
maybe you can find that with your husband again. maybe you can go to indivdual counseling and couples counseling.
From all that you have talked about, I think counseling would be a great solution. You're going through some many things right now, that I think you need to talk it out with a professional. Good luck and stay strong!
Hey there,
It's awfully difficult to comment on someone else's life, but I am going to try because you sound very down.
When self esteem is at rock bottom, we don't value ourselves. An affair, or even just thinking about one, can be like a drug, it suddenly provides you with a rush of confidence, a feeling of being wanted and of being attractive.
You have a lot on your plate, working at all sorts of things you feel you need to do to 'improve' yourself, and it's stressful and can make you feel as though you, as you are now, are worthless. It's no wonder this man wanting you has felt so good and your day to day life is associated with day to day stresses and worries.
But, as I once saw on TV regarding eating 'remember, it's just food, it's not love' - this isn't the solution. Don't confuse a desire to be wanted/feel attractive with love and don't think of it as an escape from everything. That would be medicating yourself with something (in this case a man) like we can do with cookies.
Of course, take a careful look at your relationship, who knows if there is something there that needs addressing. But what I feel you really really need to do is stop running from yourself, and allowing other people/things to dictate your self-worth. Pause a moment to catch your breath and focus on what you want from life for yourself, men aside. Learning to respect and love yourself (twee as that sounds) seems the most important thing here - better than some man at work finding you attractive is finding yourself attractive. You've had that first boost to your self-esteem, now you don't need him and can move onto finding the strength to turn away from this potentially messy situation that can only hurt everyone involved, and move towards being a little calmer and little more sure of yourself. Adding extra men/cookies/drugs to the mix just makes everything a whole lot worse. I am not saying it is easy, I certainly wouldn't be here if it were - I turn to food at every minor crisis. But I do know that the less I use it, the better and stronger I feel and I suspect that is the same of this man.
But to summarise (sorry for being so wordy) - have a hug, find a calm moment to think try to stop letting these things walk all over you.
The attention I get from this other guy helps me to feel attractive to someone again.
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This seems to be a big underlying issue for you. We women are constantly using men to boost our self esteem aren't we?
sweetie take a deep breath and let it out!!!
It sounds to me like you have self esteem issues,and maybe you are only attracted to your boss,because he makes you feel good about yourself.
Almost like you really needed the attention in order to feel like you were worth something.( which is so not true!!)
Ask yourself why did this happen? perhaps it happend because you are not happy with your marrige? or your self image? Try to look at the big picture here sweetie.
I've been there!!! belive me!!!
Is your husband very supportive of you? Does he love you for you? Or has he put so much pressure on you to stop smoking and lose weight,that you don't know who you are as a person anymore? Why do you have to keep your job,just because your husband seems to have work issues?
Personally,I think you should quit your job and make your husband grow up,find a job ,and keep it!
ok ,ok we know what you did was wrong,I think you know that too,but stop hounding yourself about it.You have to let it go.I dont think you really have feelings for him,he just made you feel good at the time.It's like a drug it gives you that high you crave,makes you feel great,but look out when you come down off of it...you end up feeling like sh--!!**
please ,please ,please, work on making a better you! know that you are a great person,and do whatever it takes to fix the real you.
best wishes,
Trish
Smurf 7, I think you hit the nail on the head. This guy (not my boss but my peer) and I have agreed to "back off" and at least the first two days into it, it seems to be working. I have started putting in applications in case I can't control my feelings. I have made an appointment with a psychatrist. I do feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder;both because i confessed to my hubby and because i told the other guy what i had been feeling. For once I at least have an idea of what was going on in his head. I don't feel that I was imagining "the attraction". I want to try to keep my job because I am making real headway but I will leave if necessary. I am not sure what will happen honestly but at least I feel a little better about it.
Good for you!!!
I'm so glad that you were able to tell your husband.( and the other guy about your feelings)
I hope he is doing ok w/ the whole thing.
You will feel so much better, and know what you want to do,after you can deal with everything in counseling.That was a hudge step in your part!
How is your hubby dealing with all of this?
I'm glad you are starting to feel better sbout everything.
I'm so glad things are looking up. No matter what the situation we are in, and this goes for all of us... we have to remember that in order to make peace with everyone else, we must make peace with ourselves first and that means to forgive ourselves..... after all, we ARE worth it aren't we......
You talk about controlling your feelings. Feelings can not be controlled, but actions on feelings can be! You must control your actions.
Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to bash you. I understand your position from experience. I used to base my self esteem on that too. I ended up falling in love with another guy while I was married, but I did not act on it.
Counseling was going to be my recommendation, so I am glad you are pursuing that avenue. You need to recognize that you are a worthwhile person and nothing anybody else says will change that.
I have a few recommendations (I am not a professional councilor, but I believe this is good advice).
1. Start volunteering somewhere (a soup kitchen, local museum or zoo, a school, a youth group like Girl Scouts, a church group, or whatever). This way you can prove to yourself that you are a good person, you worthwhile and you are important to the community. If you don't feel good about one volunteer position, find another one that makes you feel important.
2. There is a concept in psychology call aversion therapy. One method for this therapy is to wear a rubber band around your wrist and "snap" it on yourself when you are thinking things you shouldn't. Examples of thoughts when you should "snap" the rubber band are:
a. I have romantic feelings for this other man
b. I am worthless
c. I hate myself
d. Nobody loves me
e. I am not a good person
3. Tell your husband that you have been basing your self-worth on what he and other people say. Ask him to help you find your own worth. (He obviously things you are very worthwhile if he is staying married to you despite your infidelity.) Once he understands this, he will probably be more than happy to help you.
I'm glad your healing.
Hmmmmm
