Lisa, those things sound scary! what kind of steps do you have to take to handle them? thinking of you!!

Flower I am so glad you found that resource! what a kind person on the phone with you. So glad it was helpful for you. How is your mother doing?? so much for you to worry about. And the family interaction to deal with
The latest snowstorm I was OK driving home in it Friday night, but what the State plows left on the top of our driveway looked like a glacier field on Everest. I haven't heard from the summer job place, but that is the way it always is. I don't need to contact them usually until mid-April, when I 'check in ' and let them know I am as eager as always to start back there.

I've been "given" 3 trainees in the past 2 weeks, the place where I work is SO very strict about attendance, that they will fire someone, if they call out too much, even if the person is extremely skilled. It seems to be cutting one's nose off to spite their face! I don't see how it is good business to fire people and then hire completely green newbies to replace them...whatever. I still get 38 to 40 hours even in this 'slow' period so it's OK to me. Unfortunately there is NO opportunity for raises, you could be there 3 years and make the same $14.50 an hour. Again, it's OK because it's temporary for me. And I can certainly keep my eyes and ears open for something else this winter.

Hello to Coop and Kathleen!

Lisa I read all thats going on with you with. So glad you are going to see the pulmonary specialist soon . WHEW you surely have been through a lot. I am sorry you are going through so much stuff. PLEASE keep us informed. Please!

Holly, wow, no opportunity for raises. and firing people for minor offenses. Sounds like they do not want highly skilled labor there. Glad its temporary. But also glad you have it right now.

Thank you for asking how my mother is doing. She is not doing well at all. I am going down to Boston on Tuesday. Will see her wednesday and Thursday at the hospital. IDK if it is the last time I will see her. She may live longer with this. But its a very rought condition. The anxiety--full throttle or beyond if there is such a thing. And I love my mother so deeply. I never individuated from her. so thats also another issue. Its like I just cannot handle losing her. The only one left will be a brother who I am very afraid of because of his anger. And he has zero compassion tolerance or acceptance for anxiety or agoraphobia etc. He refuses to accept it on any level. So its quite a challenge going through all of this. I feel completely alone.

Cannot drive in Boston. So I have to take a bus there and then rely on people for rides. And I have to stay in her condo. I get very triggered even being there. the whole thing is like a terrified child. I will be staying there for three days. It feels sort of nightmarish. Not really in my body. Trying to pack all my supplements is quite an ordeal,lol. Trying to pack in general is an ordeal. I will be living out of my suitcase and sleeping on her sofa. I cannot cook in her home for reasons I will not go into. So I may be having crackers for 3 days. on top of all that, my brother seems to not be talking to me. He goes into silent extreme anger. and its horrible for me, And seeing my mother in the condition she is in will be frightening. I have heard what condition she is in. Plus I am not permitted to cry. And I am highly emotional. Okay, how was that for TMI, lol. On the up side, I have lost weight. The weather is going to be GORGEOUS here in days to come. Thank god. Some days it will rain but no snow. And many sunny days with high(ish) temps I think. Okay. enough of that book I just wrote, lol. BTW, thanks for asking Anxiety and agoraphobia are brutal.

Hi Coop, Kathleen, Panda and anyone else <3

Flower - I think you are beyond courageous to make the trip to Boston!! with all the circumstances you have to face. Any ONE of those circumstances would keep anyone from committing to the trip...let along the multitude of hard issues!!! You have our long-distance support (for what that's worth ) but truly, you are so strong to do this. wow. And yes the sun is so very helpful for us now!! and the warming that is expected for this week will lift our spirits and give us hope for the gorgeous, wonderful, life-inspiring month of May

Holly Thank you. I went to Boston on Tuesday. Came home on Saturday. Stayed the amount of time I thought was appropriate. The greyhound bus back home made 7 stops before mine. 2 stops on Manchester NH (one at the airport). Then in Concord. Then Hannover Then WRJ. Then Montpelier. Then downtown Burlington. THEN finally at BTV Airport. which is closest to my home. Time spent on the bus is around 6 hours. So strange.

My mother was transferred to a rehab facility. But she cannot and will not eat. Partially due to sores in her mouth. And partially due to her being a very stubborn PITA. So she is not getting nourishment to regain strength even to sit up. It is beyond painful for me to see her refusing to eat. She had been allowed to only have her food chopped or flaked.looked good to me. But she turned up her nose at it. Now that has changes. Still turns up her nose at the food which is very good quality. Makes me so sad to see her not eating enough to stay alive. If she would eat then she could gain back strength. I believe she wants to stay alive. She just is the opposite of compliant. She always has been. She tempts fate all the time. anyway, its excruciating to watch her be her own worst enemy. Not fighting back by eating. Such a helpless feeling. I know I have just made this all about my feelings. But I need to talk somewhere about me. So I am doing that here. Just very sad and terrified. My prayer at this time is she will just eat.

Strangely my ankles and legs swelled up when i was there. Still very swollen. I am not sodium sensitive. So IDK what its all about. Very odd. I hope you and everyone here are doing well. <3

Flower - first, the trip by bus...I know the ads used to say "let someone else do the driving" - Greyhound, or maybe ride Amtrak...it is great to not have to worry about navigating traffic but wow the time that you have to give up! but welcome back

You absolutely need to be able to talk about this somewhere! and we are always here!! I have admiration that you can analyze your thoughts and feelings to the extent that you say 'I've made this about me' - but it IS about you!! what your mother is doing directly affects you ,how can it not be 'about you' . I would be angry, angry that the mother seems to be showing that she doesn't care enough about life (children) to make an effort? I would have SUCH a hard time understanding this or thinking "this is about her, not me". Does she have directives in place, to make efforts like tube feeding? or is that up to family? such a horrible situation for you

IDK either what to make of the swelling, if you had traveled on a plane we have heard of that...I hope it subsides for your comfort!

Was Boston any greener/Spring-like than what we have here?

Hello to everyone else and check in when you can!

I forget if I wrote about last weekend, we had planned to go away for something fun but the weather (15" of snow) and lack of sleep for both husband and I prevented it we NEVER go away and do fun stuff and it was our one opportunity, I was a little bitter. But it just couldn't be helped. This weekend has been bleh, I am glad of rain because it is getting rid of snow big time, but it is SO dreary and is creating mud, it's just the process here. It will get worse before it gets better

Kinda down about work, a supervisor said something completely inappropriate, "a (insert word meaning developmentally disabled) monkey could do this job". Isn't that sucky?! Jerk. Because it is NOT that easy for everyone. I would like to plunk his jerk-@ss into a kitchen and tell him to make 120 servings of cheesecake, with a sauce, and garnishes, and see how he does. Even a little worse, my co-worker "friend" (if we didn't work together, she really isn't a person I would have chosen to be friends with) laughed and said "it's true". SHE has struggled with stations at work! I don't know why she thought it was OK to agree with that crappy statement. I am tired of hanging around with her at work, she interrupts, asks really witless, dunderheaded questions, thinks it's okay to return from lunch a few minutes late (I don't like to be late!!) ugh! Five more weeks!!

Holly IKD about advance directives. I dont really want to go there in my mind. I do not think they would do that for her. She is too old TBH. She is quite lucid. and has been involved with all decisions made for her throughout this entire time lasting more than 3 weeks. But the great news is that she ate something Sunday night. She had a crab cake for dinner. Thank god. That was such a relief that I went out and celebrated by buying too much food for myself. Each day is like a rollercoaster. Some days good news. Other days, not so much at all. Monday was not good, it seems. So the anxiety, intense at times and depression I feel has been challenging. BUT I managed to not eat my feelings on Monday. Boston was definitely greener than VT. No snow left. Interesting riding home and seeing the ground become whiter as we progressed north

Ouch re last weekend not being able to get away, I hope you can reschedule for another time... after snow season. Re mud season, yes it is going to soon be here. Many people not know about mud season. In VT we do.

Re what a supervisor said.... completely inappropriate on all levels. Says a lot about him. And sorry about the work friend. Such low self esteem to agree with the supervisor. So you have 5 more weeks of that job until next winter? Or will you be done for good there? Do you yet have something lined up for the summer?
This job has had its benefits. eg weekends off. Closer to home than the food industry jobs. But you deserve a job where you are treated well. A job where you are remunerated for your gifts and skills on all levels. A job where you can use your gifts and talents, which are many. So again, have you heard anything about summer job?

Leaving tomorrow to say goodbye to my mother. Will return after she has passed

I'm so incredibly sorry flower.

I wish we could help somehow.

I saw the pulmonologist this afternoon.

First time seeing him. More tests. Bleh

Lisa - tests are never fun..but the facts need to be found, to keep you healthy :

Flower - how are you managing?? please blog here if you need to release emotions or thoughts

now for me *deep breath* our dog Eddie died last night. He was under care at the animal hospital since Thursday. This all happened so fast!! He was FINE on Sunday. I don't remember anything out of the ordinary on Monday, except his usual hanging around me in the kitchen when I was preparing my work food always underfoot when the refridgerator was opened. But on Tuesday, he started being listless and didn't want to finish his breakfast. And threw up a couple times. And didn't want dinner. Did not want any food on Wednesday, but still drank a little water. Called the vet and brought him to the vet on Thursday morning. They put an IV in right away, did tests, and found he had pneumonia..possibly inhaled some vomit and it got infected. They kept him overnight Thursday . On Friday, they said we could visit him, and we did, before I went to work. I am so glad we did he was VERY listless, didn't even want to walk, but he did, the short distance to the visiting room. I got down on the floor to be right next to him and patted and stroked and told him how we missed him at hom and what a good boy he is. He did relax a bit and laid down on his side. We visited as long as i could, then had to leave. Vet said if he responded a bit for the better, he could come home on Saturday? That night, he was checked on around 8 pm, he was asked if he wanted to go outside to pee, and he perked up a little and walked out with them to pee. Then back inside. An hour later, he was checked n again, and he had passed.

i haven't been able to stop crying since the phone call Our older son came over to help dig (we have enough property for our doggie graves) We picked Eddie up from the hospital...they warned us he would be in a bag..well I guess they put people in bags too. But the 2 young women technicians who brought him out to us were SO kind, solemn and respectful !! they couldn't have been more respectful if it was a military person funeral or something. Just incredibly kind. I just about fell apart then, trying to thank them.
we came home and I got the big cashmere sweater that he loved to lie on. I put that down first in the grave. then we took him out of the awful black plastic bag and put him on a clean sheet. they had .."arranged' his body I guess, he was kinda curled up, his front paws crossed and he didn't look awful . He did't feel awful either, i petted him and told him how handsome he was and what a good boy . We wrapped him, placed him, and i had fresh evergreen boughs to go over him. Then the soil to fill. then more evergreen boughs on top. I will make it beautiful when the weather gets better.
we adopted him when he was 1 1/2 or maybe 2 years old, in August of 2008.
I see him everywhere around the house
so hard!!!

The test on my heart is scheduled for May 10th. It'll probably come back ok


I have another lung test also. I think he just wants to know my lung capacity because of the pulmonary hypertension.