Ups & Downs Support Group: March 2016
 

:welcome3: to the Ups & Downs Support Group! Please feel free to join right in! Everyone is welcome. We have a great group of core people and always enjoy adding new group members, so please don't be shy. Post as much or as little as you want. We are here to listen and cheer each other on to our weight loss and mental health goals! :cheer2::cheer3: We can do this..... together!!! Group hug! :grouphug:

YooHoo!!!
 

I'm here... but in the past several months I've been finding the Ups & Downs thread kind of an uncomfortable place, because there are often people popping in and out. Like people will write big long introductions, maybe post a time or two more, then disappear. And regular posters I knew from before my Big Disaster—causing me to be essentially bedridden & using a wheelchair, although I am in rehab, slowly learning to stand up, walk a little bit, climb stairs, & drive—have either disappeared or aren't posting as much, or as openly. I have a tendency to feel abandoned when I feel I've built a bond with someone and then poof! they're gone.

I know—I'm one to talk. I disappeared myself, for about 4-5 months in 2015, during the severe depression that followed my Big Disaster.

I guess since we're here because we have mood disorders that can be very severe at times, it's not surprising this thread has problems with continuity, with building a stable community of posters who post often and with ample details about how they're doing—while also being open, of course, to anyone who wants to drop by.

I hope y'all don't mind that I'm speaking so frankly.

Bottom line: I don't feel that very many people know me here, know about the enormous issues I am dealing with as a result of suddenly becoming severely disabled. I have never had anything like this happen before—being unable to walk more than 20 feet (on a good day), being dependent on my husband for so many things—when we've always had a mutually independent sort of marriage. And I suffer from a LOT of pain: every step I take hurts bad, all up & down my legs. I'm angry a lot. I cry & even wail, every single day. My husband has become depressed himself. It's all I can do to keep from giving up, from not trying anymore to get my life back. But I do keep trying—always two steps forward, one step back.

Is anybody out there? Am I posting in a vacuum? I don't even know. =sigh=

I'm still checking by, but don't have much to post myself. It's mother's day here, and would have been mum's 64th tomorrow. OH's Dad is returning to work, although how long his health will keep is unknown.

Hope everyone else is keeping well.

Fiona - I am in awe of your weight loss!

I don't usually post in this section, but I suffer from mild depression and anxiety and it has definitely held me back both in my weight loss goals and in life. I have good days and bad days, good weeks, and bad weeks. There are times when I feel like I've conquered my past traumas and self defeating behaviors and mindset - but then something happens and I'm back to square one.

I think that's the nature of depression - like the thread title ups and downs. When you are up, you don't need to reach out for support as much - and you might even feel embarrassed that you ever reached out now that you feel so stable and strong. However, when the down times come, it's nice to have a safe place for support. The nature of the condition means that groups like this won't be consistent.

I hope everyone is having a good day.

Hello!
 

Hello Everyone!

Fi: I am here and listening. You matter to me and to this group. I know the pop-ins can be frustrating, but I do want everyone to feel welcome here however much they are able to post. We still have a very small group of fairly regular posters. That being said, please feel free to post as much or as little as you want. I, for one, appreciate your openness and honesty and just HATE that you are suffering so much each day. It makes my heart break for you. I applaud you for continuing to put one foot in front of the other each day in your current condition. Two steps forward and one step back still amounts to one step forward! So keep on keeping on! I just hope and pray that you get some relief soon!!! Have you been able to get out and drive again? I was ecstatic to hear about your wonderful adventure when you were out and about. It sounds like that may not be an option right now, though. ??? I am sending you a big hug! :hug:

Lisa: Best of luck to you with your phone interview. I have always said that if and when I go back to work, I want to work at Hallmark!!! I love that place! I'll be thinking of you. Keep us posted! :)

Coop27: Sending you big hugs!!! :hug: Thanks for checking in!

guacamole: Thank you for your input. Your explanation makes so much sense. Yep, that's exactly why we named the group "Ups & Downs!" ;)

It has been a rollercoaster ride at my house. My son is still having a very difficult time with anxiety and some depression. His meds are helping but not enough. We go to the doctor Thursday and hopefully he will increase some dosages. He has been experimenting with many different substances to try to get relief. This alone has my anxiety way up. :( I just want him to feel as normal as possible as soon as possible. This is breaking my heart! :cry:

Lisa - good luck with your phine interview! I'm sorry to hear of your mother's polyp, I hope that it is non-cancerous.

Kathleen - I hope your son finds the right medicine combination soon - once he has settled down, it will be much easier.

Kathleen—Thanks so much for everything you said! Try not to worry about me: you have enough on your plate as it is. I am so sorry to hear about your son. Experimenting with different meds is a horrible long process: I know that well. I am driving (yay!)—back and forth for the long trip on the Beltway and in busy Bethesda for my twice-weekly app'ts with Mike. Bob has to come along, of course, since I can't walk when we get there, but still it's a bit of relief from stress for him. I don't find the Beltway or in-town traffic nearly as stressful as he does: maybe it's perverse, =smile= but I actually enjoy it, no matter how many times I make the trip.

Guacamole— I love both your name and your little avatar picture! I grew up in Texas, home to what I consider to be the best Mexican food on the planet, so I love guacamole. Thanks for what you said about my weight loss: I'm having a hard time feeling good about my weight loss journey so far, since I have so much else going on and such a long way to go.

Coop27 and everyone else— Thanks so much for listening!

Preamble: my husband Bob and I had a really tough weekend, because we went to see his mother, who has Alzheimer's, for the first time since October. Her dementia has worsened a great deal. She did not recognize us, could not hold a conversation, didn't seem to have even old memories...just heart-wrenching for both of us. This is a remarkable woman we both love and admire, so it's an enormous loss. She's gone—so, so gone.

'Had a hard day yesterday and a miserable night. Mike (instructor/healer of Chinese medicine) reprimanded me for not doing my Qi Gong for three days. I'm so sensitive, it made me feel awful. So I did my main Qi Gong exercise last night, meditated for an hour (as I'm supposed to), and set up the wheelchair at the front door and walked halfway down the hallway and back. All of that went fine. However, even though I rested a good while, I had neither the strength nor the will to do my nightly leg exercises. I didn't even turn on the rock-n-roll show (satellite radio) I always listen to.

I decided to go to bed early.

Then something ghastly happened: climbing the stairs, even on hands & knees, was so extremely painful, each step—not at all like it usually is—that I almost got stuck halfway up. But finally I made it. I slept a few hours, then woke up around 3 AM. I was in terrible pain, both my legs and my back, the rest of the night. I tried a lot of alternatives, but I couldn't find a position that relieved the pain. So I was awake for hours, crying out in pain—an unusually bad night for both Bob and me. (In case you don't know: through this whole disaster and its aftermath, a whole year now, I have never had any prescription pain killers, despite seeing a chronic pain doctor.)

In the morning I was downright crazy from the pain. By then I had cramps in both legs, and my lower back muscles were spasming. I said a lot of really stupid things, extreme things that I do not believe in. I didn't let Bob bring me my coffee, despite his having ground the beans for a nice fresh batch. The only thing I did right was to take my AM medications. I also took a strong sedative, because I wanted to be unconscious. I fell asleep, slept right through my monthly app't with my psychiatrist, and didn't wake up until after 4 PM.

But the sleep was helpful, because now my back and legs seem to be at their usual achey normal. And I'm not crazy anymore.

I'm trying to figure out the lesson I learned. I'm very puzzled about that excruciating stair-climbing followed by an awful night & morning, because I did not overdo it last night. I didn't even do my leg exercises.

The only way I can understand it is to listen to what Mike said: not doing my Qi Gong and meditation for three days straight was a HUGE mistake. I will try the same "practice" (that's what you do daily) this evening, and see if I'm back on track. I don't know what else to do.

Thanks for reading this. It helps me so much to write it out!

Hello friends! thanks for starting the March thread, Kathleen. We are all hoping so much that your son can feel better :( and as a parent, Oh how heart-rending to see a child suffer!! best wishes to him!! and you!! :hug:

Fi, sorry that you feel somewhat uncomfortable posting here, regarding people who don't know you. We have the relief of venting here but it comes with the uncertainty of constant audience, doesn't it. It was very kewl to read of your drive a couple weeks ago :cool: like Kathleen said, your imagery was illuminating!

Hi Lisa :) I'm really sorry to hear of your mom's condition, i hope SO much that the results of the biopsy are negative!! and BEST wishes for your phone interview! I love choosing and sending cards..even with electronic communication, I doubt it will ever go out of style. Lisa, I try to hard to keep your good words with me, every day, about trying to get out of my self-doubt and self-consciousness.

Coop, I'm sorry you had a sad/reflective time around what would have been your mother's birthday. I know you will always hold her close in her heart. We honor our loved ones, who are gone, by thinking of them often, and living life in a way they would approve of :hug:

guacamole - I cant remember if I said Hi or Welcomed you when you posted before, I hope I did! I do recognize your name/avatar as a longtime 3FC'er. Hope you're doing okay :)

We are still having the No Snow Winter! You won't hear me complain :devil: however our State receives millions of $ from a Rooms and Meals tax, and tourism was/is way down this season because of lack of snow. Oh well.

I think I might *finally* be getting out of my winter funk, I have had 5 days in a row of working out :strong: though not eating as structured as I should..but at this point I think I'd rather get my exercise in daily as opposed to cutting calories. And I have started looking forward to my summer job, for a long time it just seems out of reach but now it is close! and I have only ONE MORE MONTH of working for the Rat B@stard :devil:

Back again!
 

Hi friends -

Kathleen, how was the visit with your son's psychiatrist today?? thinking of him and you :hug: and YES we will be thinking and praying for you on the 22nd!

I did a FitnessBlender 30 min. workout, then I found this really sweet girl named Jessica (jessicasmithtv.com/free-workout-videos/ ) on youtube also, and did a walking-in-place mile with standing ab work, it was FUN because her music was a heavy beat "Barber of Seville" which was all know is Bugs Bunny's "Rabbit of Seville" :rofl:

Then I made 2 huge pots of my stew-type stuff, ground beef/onions/green peppers/2 packages of frozen cauliflower and broccoli/kidney beans/cannelini beans/small pink beans/crushed tomatoes/diced tomatoes/tomato puree, garlic and herbs, all simmered for 3 hours. It makes a ton, and I freeze it in containers to take to work, as I can eat it quickly with a spoon and it does fill me up and tastes good! I had better like it, because there it made like 2 weeks' worth of lunches and dinners.

I have been so unmotivated for over 4 months, but now I am looking forward enough to want to research recipes for my summer job, and to make working out a habit again .

I hope so much you all are doing well :flow1:

Oh and Lisa's phone interview is/was today!

My mother is very sick. She is in ICU, on a ventilator. They cannot get her blood pressure to come up. The odds of her making it doesn't look good. I haven't cried much, I'm just very sad. If she passes, I am going to miss her. I can't imagine my life without her. Ok, now I'm crying.




I will have my phone close by all night long, encase the hospital calls.

Oh Lisa, thinking of your mom and you!! :( :hug:

New collage: where water meets earth. As usual, click image for larger version. =smile=

Lisaluvshearts— I'm so sorry to hear about your mom! My thoughts are with you both.

Thank you both so much.


Hi everyone.


Mom was Med Flighted to Columbus this morning, to a much larger hospital. She is in multi organ failure. Her body has sepsis. The sepsis is really reeking havoc inside her body.

I was there all day with mom and my family. I am going to get up in the morning and head back to be with her.

I pray that she makes it through the night.

I am awake at 3:30 am, thinking of mom so I called the hospital.


Her nurse said mom was resting and the procedure to get her heart beating normally seems to have worked. Mom had what is called Atrial Fibrillation. The heart is in rhythm now and beating at 90 beats per minute compared to 150-170 beats per minute before. The heart beating better has slightly improved her blood pressure.


I'm going to lay down again and see if I can get some more rest.


Sweet dreams.

Lisa
 

Lisa: I am so very sorry to hear about your mom and what a rough time she is having. 😢 She took a major turn for the worse very quickly, didn't she? Is this at all related to the polyps they found? So sorry you (and she) are going through this. Keeping you both in my prayers! Hang in there! Sending you a big hug! ❤

Yes, it is complications from her colonoscopy. Her bowel perforated and now she has sepsis shock and organ failure.

They are trying to work on her blood, her red cell count is really bad. Her heart has improved. Let's hope they can help her cell count and get her to start peeing.

Please keep mom in your thoughts.


Much love to you all.

Oh gosh, Lisa I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, I can't even imagine how you're feeling. I hope now they have her heart stable, she will start to improve. Keeping you in our thoughts x

So sorry to hear about your mom, Lisa! May she have a speedy and complete recovery! :hug:

Oh...what!?! It is really hard to take when one is there for a seemingly simple procedure and something like that happens. So glad to hear her heart has improved!! Atrial fibrillation..recognizable phrase to me as I heard my husband describe it alot during his years on a rescue squad..heart is beating madly but not accomplishing what it's supposed to do. BEST wishes to her and you and your family Lisa! :hug:

I have been keeping up with my exercise but craving just about everything under the sun, it always is like that with me, as soon as I try to putsome brakes on my grazing and overeating and snacking, it just seems insurmountable. I'm suddenly aware of t shirt weather coming and how self conscious I am of my arms. Ugh I will just try to try :devil:

Thank you so much to each and every one of you for your well wishes.


I went to see mom again today. Damn it is so hard to leave her. It breaks my heart. The woman is a pain in the butt but she is my mother and I love her so much. I hate to see her so weak. It's very very hard. She is there alone tonight, no family could go over. I feel like ****.


She is improving slowly. The woman has been through **** and she is still hanging on. The Dr's and nurses are working so hard to help her. They are working their guts out to give her a chance.

If I wake in the middle of the night, I am going to call over there and see how she's doing. I will be there at 10 am to spend some time with her. My sister is going too but she won't get there early.


I hope you all are well. Much love to you all.

Lisa—Thanks for the updates on your mom's condition. I hope you were able to sleep through the night: you'll be a better support to her if you're well-rested. My thoughts are with you!

I've been sort of a basket case over the past 24 hrs. I went to see my chronic pain doctor yesterday, and he got my hopes soaring high by saying he was going to prescribe a cannabinoid (like cannabis) medication that he's found to be very effective in cases of fibromyalgia & chronic pain like mine. But then his receptionist told me over the phone that since it's an "off-label" use, my insurance company would probably refuse to pay for it. And it's really expensive—like one grand for a month's supply!

So then I crashed emotionally, because I hate pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies that seem to do everything in their power to prevent you from getting the help you need. I got really bent out of shape, because the pain in my legs has been so bad lately, it's been waking me up at 3 AM and then I can't get back to sleep—almost every night.

It bugs me, too, that I'm so volatile—that I can't be patient while the insurance company process grinds through, that I can't wait to see what's going to happen before I have a cow. =sigh=

Things are really quiet on this thread...what's up with everyone?

My day started out really crummy, because I woke up so severely depressed, I had to really push myself to get out from under the covers, to drink the coffee and eat the omelet that Bob had so sweetly made for me.

What is the deal with my depression? I'm not used to this frequent alternation between good moods and bad moods. Usually I stay in one mode or the other for an extended period of time. But everything's changed since my Big Disaster, since I'm on completely different medications. Who knows...

So I cancelled my app't with Mike—something I rarely ever do. But all the same I felt stubborn about retrieving something good out of the day, so right off the bat I meditated for an hour. That helped enough that I was able to create the back sides of a couple of my collage postcards: vintage stamps, more collage bits, fancy address, a long personal paragraph, the whole bit. I hope I'll be able to talk Bob into helping me go to the post office tomorrow to get them hand-cancelled.

All day long I kept going back and forth between feeling better and crashing into despair. A lot of things are bugging me these days, but at the top of the list is this cannabinoid medication my chronic pain doctor wants me to start taking. I really want it! But when I called the pharmacy today to see if they'd contacted my insurance company, they said they hadn't even received the order from my doctor for the prescription! Arrrggh.... So I called his receptionist for like the third time this week, and gave her the phone # of my pharmacy again. I know that doctor is very busy, but this is ridiculous! =big sigh=

And yet...and yet...I kept on pushing to try to feel better. I did all of my long and demanding Qi Gong routine: the physical part of it is minimal, but it takes a LOT of concentration to do the energy work, the manipulations of chi within my body. I managed to hold my focus through every bit of it, though, and thank God.... by the time I'd finished my second, much more chi-focused meditation, the sun was setting, and my mood was lifting steadily, as it always does at that time of day. (I'm downright allergic to afternoons.)

As I write these words, I'm listening to an excellent St. Patty's Day rock-n-roll radio show—my favorite deejay on Sirius-XM, of course. And some time tomorrow Bob and I will watch our recording of UNC's first-round game in the NCAAs.

So life moves on...best wishes to all of y'all...

Moms gone now.


I'll post more in a few days. I am just so sad.

Lisa, I'm so sorry to hear this. Please take all the time you need, don't feel you have to worry about us. Look after yourself, but know we're right here if you need us.

I have just read all the posts on the March thread.

Lisa, I am so sorry. Losing your mother is one of life's greatest sorrows, and an unexpected death is always a shock. My mother was combing her hair to go out to lunch when she had a stroke; that lead to a series of strokes and she passed away five days later - a total shock.

Kathleen, I am praying for both you and your son and hoping things are better soon.

Holly, it seems like just a few weeks ago that you went back to the miserable job. We really can't complain about this winter, even with a Northeaster in the forecast for this weekend. But, I think I still have PTSD from last winter. All I wanted this winter was for it to be over. Even on the nicest days, my best weather thought was One Day Closer to Spring!!!

Fi, I must admit I agree with your post about the thread. Quite frankly, I lost interest in it when you and Kathleen were too sick to post and Holly and Lisa were busy with work. I thought new members added to the group, but then most just posted a few times, and then we never heard from them.

Fi, I cannot imagine all you have been through. I admire how you can continue, making collages, doing your exercises with Mike, driving again, etc. You have come a long way in your weight loss and with your healthy choices. I remember when you could not go by certain stores - you had to stop for cookies.
I swim almost every day, and I find that if I have to miss more than three days in a row, I am sore and stiff - hopefully, that is what happened to make your pain so unbearable, and it will hopefully improve or at least go back to its daily (also horrible) level.

When I am depressed, it is similar to what you described - up and down many times each day. I have been on an even keel for the most part since January.

My eating has been out of control again - chocolate and ice cream!!!

I still miss Li'l Turtle and hope she is okay.

Greetings and well-wishes to everyone else. I am going to read and post more frequently, like I did previously.

Lisa— So sorry to hear about your mom's passing...it all happened so quickly, I suspect it will be quite some time before you are able to process all the emotions from the sequence of events. As much as you can, spend time only with yourself and with those who care about you and know what happened with your mom. Sometimes just silent time is best, when you are with loved ones; other times, it will help to talk about your mom's life. Whenever you are alone and your emotions are bubbling up in words, you can always talk on this thread about what you're thinking & feeling. This group is where we can talk about absolutely anything: please know that. I'll be holding you in my thoughts.

EasySpirit— I'm so glad to see you here! I'm still going through a rough time, between my legs hurting almost constantly and my mood so frequently crashing. I'm sure my moods are closely wrapped up with the pain, and vice versa. Yesterday I was able to do all my physical leg exercises—leg raises, pumping my quads while lying on my back, butt crunches, and stretching. I ended up skipping a day of my Qi Gong (energetic) exercise, though. I know I'm not supposed to skip a single day, but some days I just can't summon the intense concentration it takes to manipulate chi (energy) within my body. Sorry to hear you've been having lapses in your diet: remember that every morning you start with a clean slate—no guilt! I usually weigh myself the 22nd of every month, and that will be Tuesday. I'm not looking forward to it, because I ate sweets several times in January & February, and I feel heavier. I admire you so much for your swimming! I wish I could do that myself, and perhaps soon I'll be able to, but I haven't had the heart yet to call my pool about wheelchair access. By the way, I miss Trish (Li'l Turtle), too. I hope she is still appreciating the scale she got from that "angel."

All my best wishes to everyone else!

I made a couple of new collage postcards for a swap on swapbot.com: "flower remedies 1 & 2".

My Sympathy to You, Lisa!
 

Lisa: I just logged on for the first time in several days and I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your mom's passing. 😢 You must be devastated. Please take all the time you need and know that we are all here for you and sending our love and hugs! ❤ I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers in the days ahead. Please take good care of yourself during this difficult time. I am sending you a big hug!!! ❤ So wish you didn't have to go through this! Hang in there!

Prayers please!
 

I don't have much energy to respond to individual posts tonight and I will be away for awhile. I have my final reconstruction surgery (after breast cancer), along with a lymphedema bypass and other clean-up work from my previous surgeries this Tuesday, the 22nd. It is a 9 hour surgery beginning at 7am. I dread the surgery and recovery, but I will be glad to get it all behind me soon. I will try to check back in ASAP, but I will probably be out of commission for at least 2 weeks. Hope everyone continues the support of one another in my absence. I will be thinking of all of you and wishing you well. 😊

Thank you all, so much for your well wishes.

Today is mom's service. I am dressed all ready.


Not much else to say. Will post again tonight.

Lisa, thinking of you today.

Kathleen, I hope that your operation goes well and your recovery is a quick one.

Kathleen, best of luck tomorrow. I will be thinking of you.

Lisa, good luck to you, too - it isn't easy.

Holly, nice to hear from you!

Fi, I love your latest collages - very interesting story about the tulips, too.

Take care everyone.

Hello, I have today off, so time to check in.

Lisa, been thinking of you..was your Mom's service near you? I know you mentioned a sister, do you have other siblings to mourn with? were you comforted at the service by people who knew your Mom? I wish you all support and love.

Kathleen, been thinking of you since yesterday, HOPING the surgery went smoothly and that you are recuperating and not in pain and in the best spirits possible :) a sun for you :sunny:

Fi glad you are able to still do your art!

EasySpirit did the Nor'easter hit you? we got NOTHING from it, it seems Vermont is off the map snow-wise this year. I hope Spring arrives for you soon!

Coop hi how are you doing?

I can't even complete ONE day on a 'diet'. My hunger and/or emotions just take over and its like I don't have one speck of self-control anymore on that end. I do my workouts, though they are not the sweaty heartpounding like before, much lower impact but still trying to build strength for every day fitness.

I do finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, less than 3 weeks left at the Rat B@stard's store, then 3 weeks off!! then the good summer job, and hopefully warm weather and my motorcycle soon!!

About being able to visit here consistently, my own opinion is that we just do the best we can :shrug: the very nature of our disposition means that we just can or cannot do it some days, and I feel worse if I think I'm letting someone down. However I should keep in mind that we ARE the Ups and Downers :D and should visit even when down. I'll try harder :^: