I'm here... but in the past several months I've been finding the Ups & Downs thread kind of an uncomfortable place, because there are often people popping in and out. Like people will write big long introductions, maybe post a time or two more, then disappear. And regular posters I knew from before my Big Disaster—causing me to be essentially bedridden & using a wheelchair, although I am in rehab, slowly learning to stand up, walk a little bit, climb stairs, & drive—have either disappeared or aren't posting as much, or as openly. I have a tendency to feel abandoned when I feel I've built a bond with someone and then poof! they're gone.

I know—I'm one to talk. I disappeared myself, for about 4-5 months in 2015, during the severe depression that followed my Big Disaster.

I guess since we're here because we have mood disorders that can be very severe at times, it's not surprising this thread has problems with continuity, with building a stable community of posters who post often and with ample details about how they're doing—while also being open, of course, to anyone who wants to drop by.

I hope y'all don't mind that I'm speaking so frankly.

Bottom line: I don't feel that very many people know me here, know about the enormous issues I am dealing with as a result of suddenly becoming severely disabled. I have never had anything like this happen before—being unable to walk more than 20 feet (on a good day), being dependent on my husband for so many things—when we've always had a mutually independent sort of marriage. And I suffer from a LOT of pain: every step I take hurts bad, all up & down my legs. I'm angry a lot. I cry & even wail, every single day. My husband has become depressed himself. It's all I can do to keep from giving up, from not trying anymore to get my life back. But I do keep trying—always two steps forward, one step back.

Is anybody out there? Am I posting in a vacuum? I don't even know. =sigh=

I'm still checking by, but don't have much to post myself. It's mother's day here, and would have been mum's 64th tomorrow. OH's Dad is returning to work, although how long his health will keep is unknown.

Hope everyone else is keeping well.

Fiona - I am in awe of your weight loss!

I don't usually post in this section, but I suffer from mild depression and anxiety and it has definitely held me back both in my weight loss goals and in life. I have good days and bad days, good weeks, and bad weeks. There are times when I feel like I've conquered my past traumas and self defeating behaviors and mindset - but then something happens and I'm back to square one.

I think that's the nature of depression - like the thread title ups and downs. When you are up, you don't need to reach out for support as much - and you might even feel embarrassed that you ever reached out now that you feel so stable and strong. However, when the down times come, it's nice to have a safe place for support. The nature of the condition means that groups like this won't be consistent.

I hope everyone is having a good day.

Hello Everyone!

Fi: I am here and listening. You matter to me and to this group. I know the pop-ins can be frustrating, but I do want everyone to feel welcome here however much they are able to post. We still have a very small group of fairly regular posters. That being said, please feel free to post as much or as little as you want. I, for one, appreciate your openness and honesty and just HATE that you are suffering so much each day. It makes my heart break for you. I applaud you for continuing to put one foot in front of the other each day in your current condition. Two steps forward and one step back still amounts to one step forward! So keep on keeping on! I just hope and pray that you get some relief soon!!! Have you been able to get out and drive again? I was ecstatic to hear about your wonderful adventure when you were out and about. It sounds like that may not be an option right now, though. ??? I am sending you a big hug!

Lisa: Best of luck to you with your phone interview. I have always said that if and when I go back to work, I want to work at Hallmark!!! I love that place! I'll be thinking of you. Keep us posted!

Coop27: Sending you big hugs!!! Thanks for checking in!

guacamole: Thank you for your input. Your explanation makes so much sense. Yep, that's exactly why we named the group "Ups & Downs!"

It has been a rollercoaster ride at my house. My son is still having a very difficult time with anxiety and some depression. His meds are helping but not enough. We go to the doctor Thursday and hopefully he will increase some dosages. He has been experimenting with many different substances to try to get relief. This alone has my anxiety way up. I just want him to feel as normal as possible as soon as possible. This is breaking my heart!

Lisa - good luck with your phine interview! I'm sorry to hear of your mother's polyp, I hope that it is non-cancerous.

Kathleen - I hope your son finds the right medicine combination soon - once he has settled down, it will be much easier.

Kathleen—Thanks so much for everything you said! Try not to worry about me: you have enough on your plate as it is. I am so sorry to hear about your son. Experimenting with different meds is a horrible long process: I know that well. I am driving (yay!)—back and forth for the long trip on the Beltway and in busy Bethesda for my twice-weekly app'ts with Mike. Bob has to come along, of course, since I can't walk when we get there, but still it's a bit of relief from stress for him. I don't find the Beltway or in-town traffic nearly as stressful as he does: maybe it's perverse, =smile= but I actually enjoy it, no matter how many times I make the trip.

Guacamole— I love both your name and your little avatar picture! I grew up in Texas, home to what I consider to be the best Mexican food on the planet, so I love guacamole. Thanks for what you said about my weight loss: I'm having a hard time feeling good about my weight loss journey so far, since I have so much else going on and such a long way to go.

Coop27 and everyone else— Thanks so much for listening!

Preamble: my husband Bob and I had a really tough weekend, because we went to see his mother, who has Alzheimer's, for the first time since October. Her dementia has worsened a great deal. She did not recognize us, could not hold a conversation, didn't seem to have even old memories...just heart-wrenching for both of us. This is a remarkable woman we both love and admire, so it's an enormous loss. She's gone—so, so gone.

'Had a hard day yesterday and a miserable night. Mike (instructor/healer of Chinese medicine) reprimanded me for not doing my Qi Gong for three days. I'm so sensitive, it made me feel awful. So I did my main Qi Gong exercise last night, meditated for an hour (as I'm supposed to), and set up the wheelchair at the front door and walked halfway down the hallway and back. All of that went fine. However, even though I rested a good while, I had neither the strength nor the will to do my nightly leg exercises. I didn't even turn on the rock-n-roll show (satellite radio) I always listen to.

I decided to go to bed early.

Then something ghastly happened: climbing the stairs, even on hands & knees, was so extremely painful, each step—not at all like it usually is—that I almost got stuck halfway up. But finally I made it. I slept a few hours, then woke up around 3 AM. I was in terrible pain, both my legs and my back, the rest of the night. I tried a lot of alternatives, but I couldn't find a position that relieved the pain. So I was awake for hours, crying out in pain—an unusually bad night for both Bob and me. (In case you don't know: through this whole disaster and its aftermath, a whole year now, I have never had any prescription pain killers, despite seeing a chronic pain doctor.)

In the morning I was downright crazy from the pain. By then I had cramps in both legs, and my lower back muscles were spasming. I said a lot of really stupid things, extreme things that I do not believe in. I didn't let Bob bring me my coffee, despite his having ground the beans for a nice fresh batch. The only thing I did right was to take my AM medications. I also took a strong sedative, because I wanted to be unconscious. I fell asleep, slept right through my monthly app't with my psychiatrist, and didn't wake up until after 4 PM.

But the sleep was helpful, because now my back and legs seem to be at their usual achey normal. And I'm not crazy anymore.

I'm trying to figure out the lesson I learned. I'm very puzzled about that excruciating stair-climbing followed by an awful night & morning, because I did not overdo it last night. I didn't even do my leg exercises.

The only way I can understand it is to listen to what Mike said: not doing my Qi Gong and meditation for three days straight was a HUGE mistake. I will try the same "practice" (that's what you do daily) this evening, and see if I'm back on track. I don't know what else to do.

Thanks for reading this. It helps me so much to write it out!

Hello friends! thanks for starting the March thread, Kathleen. We are all hoping so much that your son can feel better and as a parent, Oh how heart-rending to see a child suffer!! best wishes to him!! and you!!

Fi, sorry that you feel somewhat uncomfortable posting here, regarding people who don't know you. We have the relief of venting here but it comes with the uncertainty of constant audience, doesn't it. It was very kewl to read of your drive a couple weeks ago like Kathleen said, your imagery was illuminating!

Hi Lisa I'm really sorry to hear of your mom's condition, i hope SO much that the results of the biopsy are negative!! and BEST wishes for your phone interview! I love choosing and sending cards..even with electronic communication, I doubt it will ever go out of style. Lisa, I try to hard to keep your good words with me, every day, about trying to get out of my self-doubt and self-consciousness.

Coop, I'm sorry you had a sad/reflective time around what would have been your mother's birthday. I know you will always hold her close in her heart. We honor our loved ones, who are gone, by thinking of them often, and living life in a way they would approve of

guacamole - I cant remember if I said Hi or Welcomed you when you posted before, I hope I did! I do recognize your name/avatar as a longtime 3FC'er. Hope you're doing okay

We are still having the No Snow Winter! You won't hear me complain however our State receives millions of $ from a Rooms and Meals tax, and tourism was/is way down this season because of lack of snow. Oh well.

I think I might *finally* be getting out of my winter funk, I have had 5 days in a row of working out though not eating as structured as I should..but at this point I think I'd rather get my exercise in daily as opposed to cutting calories. And I have started looking forward to my summer job, for a long time it just seems out of reach but now it is close! and I have only ONE MORE MONTH of working for the Rat B@stard

Hi friends -

Kathleen, how was the visit with your son's psychiatrist today?? thinking of him and you and YES we will be thinking and praying for you on the 22nd!

I did a FitnessBlender 30 min. workout, then I found this really sweet girl named Jessica (jessicasmithtv.com/free-workout-videos/ ) on youtube also, and did a walking-in-place mile with standing ab work, it was FUN because her music was a heavy beat "Barber of Seville" which was all know is Bugs Bunny's "Rabbit of Seville"

Then I made 2 huge pots of my stew-type stuff, ground beef/onions/green peppers/2 packages of frozen cauliflower and broccoli/kidney beans/cannelini beans/small pink beans/crushed tomatoes/diced tomatoes/tomato puree, garlic and herbs, all simmered for 3 hours. It makes a ton, and I freeze it in containers to take to work, as I can eat it quickly with a spoon and it does fill me up and tastes good! I had better like it, because there it made like 2 weeks' worth of lunches and dinners.

I have been so unmotivated for over 4 months, but now I am looking forward enough to want to research recipes for my summer job, and to make working out a habit again .

I hope so much you all are doing well

Oh and Lisa's phone interview is/was today!