I've been through such similar things. You are valuable no matter what anyone says/does! If you ever need to vent, feel free to message me!

Love,
Shelly

keep coming back here. People can really help and listen. Don't give up.

I've read through your posts, and really wish I could just give you a hug.

Since I can't, I feel this is the next best thing. I want to recommend a book written by a man that felt much like you do. While out on a walk one day, he made the conscious decision to start paying attention to the things that were right in his life, and to be thankful for them. He wrote and sent a thank-you note every single day for one full year. The positive impact this small act had on his life was immeasurable.

Because of this book, every night while in bed before I fall asleep I think of 3 things that happened during my day that I am grateful for. They may be simple things like a little boy holding the door open for me at the grocery store, or that car that slowed down to allow me to switch lanes, or that a new recipe that I tried for the first time tasted good...anything I can hang on to that happened that same day that is worth noting. There is often so much goodness that happens that goes unaccounted for...this forces me to acknowledge and benefit from at least 3 positives daily.

The title is "A Simple Act of Gratitude: How Learning to Say Thank You Changed My Life" by: John Kralik and it's $10 on amazon (there are used copies for 80 cents!).

I wanted to throw in that I also know where you're coming from. Not exactly, of course, because I'm not you, but I know the feeling.

I really want to encourage you, along with some of the other people who have posted here, to get out of the house.

Meaning is not something that you can find, it's something you have to make for yourself. Do you have a job? Now that your kids are older, I know there is still a ton of household stuff that can keep you running all day, but maybe you should just say, "You guys are almost adults now. We are having some financial problems and I am going to get a job. If you want clean dishes and clothes, you're going to have to wash them." And then do it. And stick to it. Plus, I bet you could find a job doing something that you feel great about- even if it's not a lot of money at first. Like working for a veterinary clinic as a receptionist, or an old folks' home. I even found that when I was a waitress, there was a great zen and meaning to feeding people, and many of the elderly people who came into the diner might not have an interaction with another person all day.

If a job is not the issue, consider volunteering. It doesn't have to be much or super organized. Make a casserole for someone who's sick, or go walk dogs at the humane society for an afternoon.

I have found that when I am the most depressed, I am too focused on myself.

More than anything, you are a warm body, with skills and talents and brains and hands. If you don't want to live for yourself anymore, live for someone else, put that body to good use.

And don't forget that no matter how unappreciated you might feel, you brought these two amazing people into this world, and you also have nurtured a difficult relationship for many years.

As for your sleeping problems, I'm sure you've tried everything, but for me, one of the things that helps is to make a list of things I'm worrying about that are keeping me awake and then "postpone" worrying about them until the morning. Also, if I get into a rut of not being able to sleep, I stay up really late one night- not laying in bed fretting, but doing something- cleaning, working, even watching TV (but not in bed)- and then wake up at the normal time the next day or early. Then, by the next night, it kind of resets your schedule because you're so tired.

Please know that people are thinking of you.

I have been debating about posting on this thread as I don't have these issues myself but my grown son does.

He has been taking some supplements for several years that have helped tremendously. He takes then in addition to his prescribed meds.
They are called True Hope/Empowerplus. Google the book A Promise of Hope by Autumn Stringham.

Just letting you all know I am still here. Still depressed but then I am always depressed, counting down the days until therapy starts and just trying to keep it together until then.
I painted a wall in my house next to my desk a pretty peachy color, got a s.a.d. light that I use in the morning (with doctors blessing) and just trying to breathe.

tubloard, I rarely read much other than IE and WATP but I saw your name and stopped. I feel so bad for you. Since my stroke in April, I have struggled. I believe in prayer, too, and sometimes that's the only thing that helps.

I want to start off in saying your not alone. I have been in that place before, not sure if im out of that place. But what i have found is that i needed a life outside of family.

I have had thoes thoughts, kill myself, what if i got into this horrable accident, would they notice me then?

I never really found ways out of it. I never had any medication, perhaps thats my own fault, but you are much stromger than me to face your demons head on. I envy you and wish you the best

progress! the peachy color sounds lovely, and the sad light may help. hope you ARE getting some natural sunlight. one step at a time, darlin. glad you're taking some action here.

I read through all of this and I definitely know how you're feeling...I have to ask you though, is it really you that's the "problem" or is it your husband? I think you're frustrated and crying out more so by how emotionally unavailable he is and it sounds like a loveless marriage. That would make anyone horribly depressed especially if you already have issues with depression in the first place. Take a good look at your marriage with 20/20 vision. I think you will find answers you're looking for. No, this isn't all there really is.

Good luck with the Doctor appointment.

I read this and had to reach out. I have gone through periods in life where I could have written this post myself (minus the kids). It is so hard and frustrating. It's taken me several days to decide to post this because I wasn't sure you are in a place where hearing this would be helpful. I am writing this because I struggled (still do) with many of the same issues. These are just some things I did that really made a huge difference in my life and actually helped lift me out of depression. First though, I just want to say if you are feeling suicidal, please go to the ER. Don't wait to make an appointment with your therapist. I have a friend who is severely depressed. She tried to commit suicide and her husband took her to the ER. They saved her life. She said they were so kind and caring, they really took good care of her. Please talk to your husband and let him know how serious this is. If you are cutting in front of him and talking about killing yourself, he needs to make you go to the ER, or call an ambulance if you won't go.

First of all, I am not saying that you are a bad person or that the issues rest entirely with you. The truth is we can only improve ourselves. We can't make anyone else change. You sound like a wonderful caring mom and wife. I also went through that same issue with trying to talk to my husband about feelings, problems, etc in bed. I also got extremely angry and hurt when he fell asleep, thinking that meant that he didn't care. Then one day someone told me that if you go around assuming the worst of other people's intentions, feelings, and motives you are really being unkind and judgmental and it is just setting you up for unhappy relationships. So from then on I tried to see things from my husband's perspective. He is laying in a warm comfortable bed after working all day. He's exhausted. It's only inevitable that he will fall asleep. I realized that if the tables were reversed and I fell asleep while he was talking about his day, problems, and feelings, it would not be because I don't care. It would be because I was tired and couldn't help it! So from that point forward I decided not to bring problems into bed. Bed is for sleep and being intimate. It should be a positive only zone. This not only greatly improved our marriage, but I also sleep better! There is a time and a place for everything. Grocery shopping may not be the best time to talk to your family about something you feel is important. We set up a time where we can talk about our problems and feelings. Just a few minutes a few times a week. Maybe you and your husband can do this. Just realize, if you are talking to him about things you are concerned about, you need to be willing to listen to him. If you don't, you shut off a line of communication and make him feel alone and alienated, just like you do when you feel he doesn't listen to you. It needs to be an interchange, not a one sided conversation. I am not saying you do this, but it is something to be watching out for. When we are depressed we have a tendency to focus on ourselves. If we do this, no one will want to be around us. Don't focus on how you always make dinner for your family and they never thank you for it. Focus on the fact that you are creating nutritious meals for your loved ones. See it as a sacrifice of love. Try to see meaning in the things you do. And think about how often you thank your husband for working hard all day. Or for the times he does listen to you. How often do you thank your kids when they do something for you. If you do this, I bet you will hear it more often. It is so true that you catch more bees with honey. I know there were times when I wouldn't have listened to myself if the roles were reversed. Oh and if you get upset if your husband doesn't defend you to your kids, you have to let him know that it hurts your feelings. He isn't a mind-reader. Also beware of the way you speak to him. Don't just say “You never listen to me!” Say something along the lines of “My feelings really got hurt when you … because I felt ...” Don't focus on his action, focus on how it made you feel. He will be much less likely to feel attacked and defensive. When I work hard to apply these things to my marriage it runs smoothly and happily. When I don't, communication breaks down and we have more fights.

Now, I mentioned I don't have kids, but I just want to say I was doing my own laundry by grade 4 or 5. I was also cooking simple meals. If I wanted clean clothes, I had to wash them myself. My parents weren't going to do it for me. My mom worked nights and my dad worked days. My dad left for work about an hour before we got up (I was the youngest, my bro was like 12, plus we lived in the country and the next door neighbor who had a kid just a year younger than me watched out for us) and my mom was asleep when we got home. We had to feed, bathe and clothe ourselves and get out the door in time to catch the school bus. We also had to make dinner for the whole family nearly every night. If we didn't do our homework, we got a bad grade. Our parents didn't stand over our shoulder making us do it. I am not saying this is an ideal situation, my point simply is, if your kids are teenagers they can and need to start doing more for themselves. They are old enough to do their own laundry, help with dinner, even make a meal by themselves once or twice per week. Teach them how to shop for and cook nutritious meals, how to take care of themselves. You will have a lot more time to do things you enjoy/take care of yourself and they will be learning how to survive on their own, which helps them feel accomplished now, and will help them to succeed later in life. If you do this make sure you talk to your husband beforehand and get his support, ask him to back you up when/if they complain about it.

And I agree with the person who said getting a job, preferably service related, or volunteering is wonderful. It gives you such a sense of accomplishment, you feel better about yourself, and you have a period of time where you are focused on helping others, instead of focusing on your own problems. A gratitude journal is also great if you like to journal. You write three things you are thankful for each evening. It can be anything. “My hair looked good today” “The birds sang beautifully.” “My kids are healthy.” It really helps change your mindset from looking for things that are going wrong in your life, to seeing how wonderfully blessed you really are.

a whole lot of wisdom and experience, seashell. my turning point was similar - the only person i could do anything about was ME, and while on the one hand i had to protect myself from my bizarre, crazy family [who all think that they're normal functioning human beings], on the other hand, i had to open myself up to the good in the world. and more important, i had to stop being so hard on myself!

i started asking myself a couple of REALLY HARD Qs:

1. what would i say to a friend who brought these issues to me? would i be encouraging or would i lecture her/him? would i listen or judge? and so on - with the goal of treating myself the way i would treat a friend. and I realized that i would NEVER treat a friend as badly as i treated myself [quite the eye opener!]

2. and because i felt i had no voice, i would ask myself WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? and i would do NOTHING unless it was a conscious choice to do something that i WANTED to do. Do i want to go to a movie? stay home and read? take a nap? talk to someone? it didn't matter - as long as i made a conscious, POSITIVE choice instead of spinning my wheels with a lot of mental gymnastics that were getting me nowhere and definitely NOT contributing to my happiness or well being.

did this happen overnight? oh heck no - but every time i made a positive step, i reminded myself of it -

Hey, how are you? Check in and let us know

Reading through all your posts, I have to say that I hope that you do honestly tell your new therapist about everything. This includes the 'family' therapy.

I don't think the female therapist is in the right, just from what I read.

I know it is scary, and I have been there with the therapist, and spilling the beans on my life. It is not easy and sometimes coming clean one session at a time really helps!!!

I don't think he will lock you away and throw away the key if you are honest, and truthful about your feelings, and about your everyday life. Also, remember, he cannot get a good idea of what is going on if you're not open. Also, I think a MAJOR issue that needs to be addressed, and didn't seem to be addressed by the female family therapist is that you feel invisible. Feeling that way is not good.

I spent many years thinking, 'Who would even know or care that I died? Bet no one would realize I was dead for a day or two.' I was wrong though. I realized some people saw me, and made me realize I am important to the every day scheme of life.

Please, keep updating everyone and keep going. If I missed this, I am sorry, but write journal entries every single day. If you start having really negative feelings, write them down, and write what triggered them. Teenagers can be heartless, soul sucking beings because they 'know it all' and are being rebellious. Given, not all are like that, but watching my own sister. I know it to be true. Plus, I was no saint, but I loved my mom and stopped her from fading from the world...

Hang in there. Things will get better.

OMG OP you are me! I feel ya.