I hope this finds you feeling a little better about your situation. Don't apologise for your post because you've done absolutely nothing wrong. If we were meant to shoulder burdens on our own, we wouldn't have ears or mouths in order to share with others what is bringing us down.

I haven't read all of the advice you have been given, but, from my experience on this forum so far, I know it will be great advice. Unfortunately, I can't entirely relate to what you are going through except for the case of feeling ignored. I used to feel ignored all the time (I still do sometimes) and I know it's tough feeling alone. I wonder, though, if it stems from you doing too much for your family instead of sharing the burdens of housework and personal responsibility. I understand that it's a maternal instinct to know what people are doing all the time (because I always like to know), but it's their responsibility to get there AND to help around the house.

Anyway, I don't want to upset you and make myself out to be a bad person. I only want you to feel happier about life and come out the other end feeling the total opposite you are now! The suggestion to see a therapist sooner rather than later is good advice. I would like to throw in as well that taking a vacation, on your own, for a week or two would be a great idea for you. No cell phone, no kids, no husband. Just you at a resort or somewhere that requires a long flight, to get away and sort out your own head. This should leave your family appreciating you more too! I'm sure they are all capable of looking after themselves while you are gone, even if they don't think they can survive without you!

<<HUGS>> make yourself happy.... Therapy, vacation, whatever it takes... You need to look after yourself... First and foremost!

I am sorry it is so tough for you. I have to share what has helped me. I have started meditation and over time it does help.

I am not in any way being mean when I say this but are you a push over? It sounds as if you allow this to continue. I'm sorry but you need to put an end to this.... start with the hubby!!

Teenagers are wacky to begin with so you need the hub on your side and you need his support. I would recommend counseling for the both of you.

Have you ever considered leaving?

LOL almost everyday.

Sorry I haven't checked in for so long, just trying to avoid stressful places for a while. This is such a garbled mess of a post, good luck to you all, lol.

I have been to therapy twice now, I get the feeling I am too much for him already, sigh. Just the way he looked at me as I was just rattling off some of what I have been through in my life made me think he was almost scared of me, lol. It isn't funny and I really hope it is just me thinking that way and it isn't really the truth. Even if he is scared of me he will just have to deal with it, because I haven't even gotten started yet.
He has given me some paperwork to read and to have hubby read and I can definitely identify myself in a lot of it so far, but a 45 minute session every other week isn't very long. He said he would really like to be able to see me at least once a week but that there just isn't enough time, I know there are so many other people needing help so I will make it be ok. I told him some things I was worried about him locking me up and tossing the key and it was ok, he said whatever I said was fine and unless I was a danger he wouldn't do anything but try to help me.
I see another person for medication stuff at the clinic where I go to therapy but I can't see her until the last week of October, sigh, so I will just have to muddle through until then, hopefully they can get me worked in before that though.
Hubby read the papers and actually learned some things! He said he didn't understand why I did some of what I do but after reading he gets it a little better and can see why I react the way I do. He was sad because he thought I was mostly over my childhood/young adult traumas and didn't realize I have just been swallowing the pain and anger until it erupts at the slightest thing. He has been trying harder it seems since reading them to help me more so I hope that continues. My therapist guy wants hubby to come with me next time, and hubby said absolutely, he will do whatever it takes to get me help! My hubby doesn't miss work for anything, ever. So for him to agree to take a day off, not half a day but a whole day, so he can go to therapist with me and then spend the rest of the day with me is, I don't even know the word I am looking for. I told him to let me explain it later if therapist says something that upsets him and he said he couldn't promise not to get upset or hurt but he did promise to talk with me about it and try to understand my pov.
After my last doctors appointment I texted hubby and asked him to skip out on work and spend time with me, he actually said be right there and left work. My husband never misses work, he goes to work in 2 foot of snow, sick as a dog, no matter what he is there so for him to blow off work for me was really special. It made me feel like I was important to him and I told him so.
I got put on a pain patch since the pills make me so sick, they are such a relief, I had forgotten how it felt to not be in agony all the time, they don't take it all away but it is a vast improvement. I got some medicine for restless leg and Oh My God I have actually gotten some sleep. Not a lot but for me, it is amazing.
Someone asked if I might be a pushover. I don't think I am a pushover so much as it has been pounded into me that my feelings don't matter, my comfort doesn't matter, my thoughts, words, ideas don't matter etc. That is really hard to change when it is has been ingrained in you from as far back as you remember. I also (according to therapist) have reeaaaalllly disordered thinking and so he thinks we can get that worked out as well.
I have a few diagnoses so far and sadly I am pretty sure there are more to come, but I guess the main thing is I am moving forward toward some sort of remedy. Although according to him it will only take a few visits to have me better, I don't think it will be that quick for as much crap as I have inside me.
Anyway, I am still scared of therapy but I am determined to make the most of it for as long as I can go.

That's great news! And, hey, if getting more diagnoses will help you sleep at night and feel better about yourself, then I say 'bring it on'. You have a support network who are making sure that you come out the other end feeling better than you ever have. Once the therapist starts unlocking the troubles inside of you, you will be able to identify some on your own and do things to help yourself.

You'll be fine

I just ran across this thread, and I am sorry that you are having so much stress in your life. It sounds to me like you are a very good wife and mother, cleaning, cooking, taking care of everyone's needs. It also sounds as though they are taking it all for granted and not giving you the respect you deserve. Teens all seem to go through that, but they should not be allowed to make the comments to you that they make. It's as though they know their father agrees with them and won't stop them. That's not right. Parents need to show a united front to keep the kids in line and discuss their own issues privately.

I also don't like the fact the the family therapist criticized you openly in front of your family. That just reinforced their feeling about you, that yes, it's all your fault.

You are a good, contributing member of the family. You need to realize that in spite of what they think. You should be proud of what you are accomplishing. Look at your ticker. You have lost 62 lbs! That's amazing! Your kids are old enough to start taking responsibility for themselves, giving you more time for yourself, doing things to lift your self esteem. One thing I think you should do is change your membername. You are NOT a tubolard. I could not even address this post to you because I could not type that in as a greeting. I had a membername connected to my goal, and since I was not reaching my goal, it depressed me every time I signed in. They allowed me to change it.

My SIL was having similar problems. Her family was treating her like they lived in a hotel. She left and went to live with her sister for a few weeks. At first it was "Yahoo! Mom's gone!" After a few days, when there were no clean clothes or towels, no dinner on the table, they all started to fight among themselves. They had taken her for granted for so long, and they really appreciated her more when she returned. I'm not suggesting that you do that, but I think you need to pull yourself up and see the good, worthy person that you are. Don't listen to them when they say this is your fault. It's not. I hope that the private therapy will help you to realize that. You don't need to change your ways, you need to change the way you respond to their abuse.

Good luck to you.