How are you feeling today? Would you check in with us so we know you're still around?

Hi again! I wanted to check back in on you. Thank you for posting again, last night. Please call the hotline again and call your Dr's office tomorrow. Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you come back to check this thread today and let us know how you are doing.

OP, can you just go to the emergency room, or call 911, considering you are cutting yourself [badly, by your own admission]? My heart goes out to you, and you are in serious need of help STAT.

Sorry it took so long to get back on here.
I called the clinic, no chance of getting in early but I am on the call list if someone cancels. I feel better today, not so out of control. My kids both are in therapy, oldest is being tested for different disorders, youngest was going but the therapist said he was good to just come to family therapy with the rest of us right now, and as I said I am waiting for my first appointment, with a different therapist than the family and my son go to. I am glad to be seeing someone else because I don't want there to be overlap in what gets talked about, you know?
I really appreciate that so many of you cared enough to respond to me. I can't tell you how much it means to know that even though you don't know me, you still reached out to me to try to help.
I will be glad to go see him and get some help and get my medicine straightened back out. Not to mention being able to just puke all the pain up. Sorry for that picture, but that is how I see therapy, you vomit up the pain until there isn't anything to vomit up anymore. Weird I know.
I am scared to tell him everything that I think and feel and have been through. I am scared he will commit me to a hospital and throw away the key, but I am going to anyway. I decided to tell him everything I can think of so maybe he can actually help me with this crap. But I am still scared. Sigh.

I am so sorry you are going through all this. PLEASE do not stop asking for help. Keep going to your Dr, find another therapist, call hotlines, anything to ask for help. Yes, if you tell them all you have said here they might decide to put you somewhere to be watched but that may be the best thing that ever happened to you. I have friends with mental imbalances and a few times they have ended up in hospitals in order to get their medications correct and their mood stabilized. This is far far better than having someone (you) take their life or harm themselves because they are not in a good place.
Keep coming here too. Many of us may not completely relate to your problems but we ALL understand having issues that cause us pain and suffering.

It's GOOD to hear from you!

Well done for phoning up and getting it out there that you really do need help.

I remember my (first - oh dear) 'breakdown'. The idea of telling my 'story' to a stranger was horrific. But it had gotten so bad that the need to get it out of myself became stronger than the fear of what anyone might think. I think your image of vomiting it up is an apt one.

Now you know that there are 'strangers' here who do care about you, and are concerned - don't be a stranger! Come back here as often as you can to let us know you're still around. Doesn't have to be much.

Glad you made it back to give us an update, and it sounds like you're headed in the right direction.

~hugs~

Hi I'm glad you came back to check in and give us an update. Please do share everything with your new Dr. That's the only way they can help. I truly hope things start getting better for you.

I hope you are doing better and getting your meds adjusted will help you pull through and get a more positive outlook. Sometimes things look very dark without hope, but somehow life has the power to go on and see better days. Anyways, if you are in doubt about where the problem is, I once met somebody with well hidden problems. What opened my eyes and made me move on was a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond". He later found help for his specific problem by joining a AAA-like group therapy. I am not sure whether something like this exists for your needs. But it may provide support from people who know exactly what you are dealing with.

Family therapy last night. SIGH.
It was wonderful, snort. Not.
The therapist lady looked at me, told me she was going to pick on me and then said I talk too much so nobody listens so I talk more to try to make them listen to me? Everyone, hubby and 2 kids just sat and nodded in agreement. Ouch. I didn't expect anything out of kids, they are kids, but for hubby to sit and agree with her, while at home he tells me he wants me to talk to him? I am so confused. So I am not supposed to talk? Even in therapy? It will be a different guy I see for my therapy thankfully, but I don't understand where she is going with this. sigh.
I was feeling better but now I just feel like if I say more then 2 words to anyone in my house it is too much. I know I am extra sensitive right now so I am trying to chalk it up to that but it is just hard.

We all need to take care of ourselves or we can't take care of others. Try to get in to see your doctor soon. Take a break for yourself each day, let the hubby and kids do for themselves for awhile.

Hi there.

I was reading through your posts, and I just wanted to say that you are not totally alone. I am bipolar as well and have had tendencies in the past to cut/self-harm and so forth. I know I felt totally crazy at times because of it. The most important thing is that you have recognized this is not a way to truly live and you are taking the right steps towards getting healthier and on the right track. It is very challenging, and I have had to go through several doctors and different meds to find the right balance. As a matter of fact, I still haven't figured out the right combination of meds. I have trouble sleeping all the time. But, the fact that you are hanging in there and working at it will make a difference in the long run. I wish I had some sort of miracle cure that would just instantly melt away all of the inner demons I deal with, but I haven't found one yet. Stay the course. Perhaps you and your personal therapist will be able to lay out some personal goals just for yourself. Sometimes it helps to keep that stuff to yourself, and write in a journal or share on this board or maybe disclose with a family member outside of your immediate family. I have learned that sometimes people can't always deal with the pressure of seeing a dearly loved one struggle, so they shut it off. It isn't helpful to the situation, but it is their way of dealing with it.

One small bit of advice in the interim before you meet with your new therapist, get yourself out of the house as often as possible. Sometimes being cooped up in the same four walls (even if there is always stuff to do to stay busy) makes you more irritable and dependent upon the rest of the family to give you some sort of escape from your own head. Even if you don't have a lot of friends to go out with, there are other things you can get involved in. Start volunteering at your library, pet refuge, etc. Even a few hours a week will make a difference. Take a class...anywhere. Ask if you can audit a class at a local community college if you don't have money to enroll, take a cooking/cakedecorating class, dance class, CPR class...anything. It will give you something to do to take your mind off of other things troubling you. Even if you aren't a "social butterfly" which I am definitely not, force yourself to do something out of your comfort zone. You will find that once you do that one thing, you will feel more confident to do other things. If nothing else, find a local coffee shop/cafe that you can take a stack of books or your journal and sit there for an hour or so. Even if you feel you are too busy, if you work at it, you can find an hour for yourself. For your own health, take some time for yourself. Keep us updated and good luck at your next therapy meeting.

((Hugs)) I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

As someone who works on a suicide hotline, we do care. But we are required to answer every call that comes in on the lines. If the individual we are speaking with is not suicidal, we are required to answer the incoming call. There are nights where if we're short staffed and it's a busy night I'm juggling 2 or 3 callers as are the other workers. It's not because we don't care, I've cared about every one of my callers, but I have to make sure everyone is safe. I'm sorry the crisis operator wasn't able to help. Try calling again, you'll likely get someone else. Please know, we do the work we do because we care. ((HUGS))

Just wanted to add a hug and some support to you. I'm thrilled that you're getting help - and that you realize how important it is to get your own therapist. I've never found group therapy helpful, but mostly because I'd spent almost my whole life listening to others that I had no voice, no presence, felt invisible. but that's just me.

Any step you can make to feel in control is GREAT. Acknowledging the good things you've done, or the kindness you've shown, or, geez, just anything can help you to step away from the pain [been there - honest!]. And therefore, I'm going to ask you to make ONE change.

Please consider changing your screen name here. tubolard is NOT a positive name. and it's not even true. you weigh less than 170? you've lost 68 pounds - be PROUD of that. OWN the fact that you're heading for great health and a bikini bod.

I'll try to keep checking in along with the others - so many of us have walked similar paths [not the same, of course, but the results and the feelings are similar]

I would like to answer your original question of 'Is this really all there is?

No, this isn't all there is. This life is a mere moment when compared to the eternities. I know life is difficult at the moment. I know how you feel about being ignored--I absolutely detest it when I feel like no one is listening to me. Try to focus on at least one really good thing that is happening during your day. Look for the positives when you're feeling blue. I know that prayer does work and I know that there are several people at mormon.org who would talk to you about prayer and helping your family to grow closer together. Find the good in your life and cling to that when times get tough.

Hang in there, life gets better.