I know this sounds totally weird, but when I start to slip up on my diet, I feel like I deserve to be fat and ugly. When I'm doing good, I take care of myself better, I eat good and exercise - But when I mess up a little bit, I start to purposely sabotage myself I don't even groom myself the way a grown person should. It's like I don't want myself to be happy. I start binging, I quit grooming myself, and all I do is lay around. My dad thinks I'm just being lazy, but it feels like I just want the world to squat over me and take a Sh*t. LOL. I dunno, I'm not really feeling that way right now, so it's hard for me to explain.

Does anybody ever feel this way? It's the reason why I've recently gained 50 pounds in only 5 months. And why I've gained 100 pounds in 5 years. I know it's something I need to talk about too, because I don't want to slip up again and ruin everything.

Self-sabotage is something that I have struggled with, also. It, for me, is very sinister because I only realize I've sabotaged myself after the damage is done usually binging but realizing it is the first hurdle. I think the main thing that has helped me is taking time to look back and see a pattern of what triggers my self-sabotage. For me it was very low self-esteem. Seeing a counselor, for me, has been an enormous help because they listen impartially . Sometimes family and friends come with their own preconceived notion of how one should handle a problem but a professional doesn't.(Professionals are human of course and if one doesn't fit interview until you find the right fit. They are there to help.) He or she can listen with empathy and help one get started with tools on improving self esteem. I still have a ways to go in the self-esteem department but my self-esteem compared to some years ago is much increased. When one's self esteem increases that naturally helps with taking better care of one's self i.e. eating healthier etc. Counseling, if not covered by insurance, can be expensive and even if it is covered one normally has to pay a portion but if one doesn't have insurance there are mental health agencies that charge on a sliding fee scale so the charge could be free or very affordable. I have to pay half of the counselor's charge but it is the best money I have or will ever spend because quality of life is priceless.

I know you can do it! My dad, who I miss so, so much, said "there is no one in the world better than you". Of course, beautiful days that includes you!! Take care.

Thank you Bonnie for the kind words. You're totally right about having a counselor I've been (lazily) looking for one. I used to have insurance but my dad lost his insurance. But before that I used to see one and was on Wellbutrin and it helped a lot. Actually, I didn't even start to gain massive amounts of weight until I quit seeing mine. I saw her all through out high school and helped me get through a lot of things that were going on and bad things that had happened in the past. Other than that, I'm trying my hardest at becoming the best person I can be, and I'm looking all aspects of my life not just weight. Anyway, thanks so much. You sound like a really caring person.

My mother has always told me that I sabotage myself. When I'm good, I'm good. When I'm bad and off plan, it's downright ugly. I also used to be on medication until I came off my parents insurance, because I have a real job and am no longer in school. I used to be on adderall, which really helped me lose weight in the past, but now I guess I just have to get along without it. My solution (for the past 3 weeks, anyway) has been walking. It is something I can do everyday, rather than the running I used to do which gave me shin splints...and it is something I like to do. Not only that, but it is just enough to make me feel good about myself and remind myself that when I want to eat something, it would be a waste because I just went for a walk. I look forward to it everyday, and so far have been able to stick with it without really rebelling from it....so I guess that's good!
If you can find something that you enjoy doing, maybe it will prevent you from self sabotage? That is what I am trying to do now.

There's a nice park by my house. I should take advantage of it and walk around there more.

I got some advice from a scientist in the field at the beginning of the year... I don't know how true they are but they I thought I'd share.
Go for a walk in Morning or Evening when the Sunlight is 'soft'- the wavelengths of the sun's rays cause your eyes to initiate a Happy effect in your brain, as does the exercise. Chicken apparently has components that increase endorphins, as do brazil nuts.

Good morning, Beautiful Days! You have lost weight and you have a realistic goal. You should dwell on that. And yes, even with the coming season, if you are blessed with a park that you can walk in---go for it. Walk by faith and not by feeling. God bless!
I am on meds, but I have lost before and I will do it again. Think positive! It costs nothing.

Hi Beautiful Days, I can't help feeling that far too many of us beat ourselves up when we fail to stick to our "righteous path" that we design for ourselves. Far better to view it as a blip in our busy lives and just get up and go on regardless. None of us are perfect so we are not likely to keep perfectly to a regime that we have planned for ourselves.
At the moment I am suffering from a very rasping sore throat and a streaming cold so keeping to my eating regime has gone out the window for the time being. But I know that as soon as I feel better I will get back to my healthy eating plan.
As regards the fact that you stop looking after yourself when you get depressed - that is a typical action by a depressive but that is the time you should put in MORE effort to keep up with the grooming and that will help you out of it sooner. Believe me, I've been there, done that and got the T shirt!!

how about this , maybe this is smarter way .. think of how cool you would look in your own style while you have ideal body weight, stand up now and think how cool that would be ... there is 1 mil $ tip baby

I know EXACTLY how you feel Beautiful days, I am the same way.. Mine recently has been because of my schedual and when I work out, I do my bike ride while DS is in school, so in the morning I dont do make up and everyday I end up wearing yoga pants. My whole thought was "what is the point if I cant wear my cute clothes, fix my hair, and do my makeup" So I quit for about a month, saw that weight come RIGHT BACK. (there were a lot of other things in that month as well stress wise)

The only thing i can do is remind myself that I am in the "transition " between meds.. and its going to be hard... I just look at what I have done, and for now.. maintaining that is enough to keep me going. (most days)

I sabotage myself as well. It especially happens when people start to compliment me on my weightloss. Doesn't take long to pack the pounds back on.

Hi beautiful days,

I have had this problem as well, and one thing that helped me a lot was the Flylady website. Like emaline29 said, the times when you are depressed are the times when you should really try to take care of yourself. I have a rule (thanks to Flylady) that no matter how late I get up, or how blah I am feeling, I must go through my morning routine (make my bed, wash my face, brush teeth, put makeup on, fix my hair and get dressed--no PJs all day). Sounds dinky, but it really works. I am amazed at what a difference it makes in my mood.

Beautiful days, i get u completly, i do the same thing very often... i've these cycles... i can be on a good way, with diet and exercise for days or weeks, but if some day i screw up, it's garanted that i'll screw everything up, i kind of punish myself with binging and then apathy grows on me and I stop caring about myself, becoming pretty slobbish. i know it sounds unrational... but i guess psicological issues are the main struggle for the most of us... like some of you said, seing a terapist could be the best solution, i've never had one, mostly because i keep saying to myself i dont need help... but maybe it's time to change that.
And about ebenz said.. i think thats a good solution too, when i get really anxious , medication doesnt work on me, i just walk it through, until i consume it... the day gets all better after that. but that's on the ansiety days.. on the apathy days, i just do nothing... nothing at all... i'm dead to the world and i regret all the time in my life i wasted on those days!
Emily, i think you've just made a big impact in my life with your advice, thank you!

I think we all have experienced self sabatoge in one form or another.

But, I worry that you have something more going on.

I really urge you to see a physician who can evaluate whether you need to go back on anti-depressents.

I would also urge you to go back to your counselor.

If you don't have insurance for this now, there are programs for these services (and even drugs) at reduced rates.

(())s and good luck. There IS hope on the other side.