I dont know if I am depressed or overly self centered. I have never actually gone to the doctor to get a diagnosis or anything. I am an immigrant and my family is struggling financially. So I have no insurance and even if I did I doubt they would look at it in a positive stride that i have to go to the doctor for depression!!!

I have everything i feel but no honest support. Its like because my parents immigrated here for me and my studies along with my brothers there is constant pressure on me to just do something and get them out of this financial **** hole. What can I do?? shake a magic wand??

ANd they make no mistake in making it clear that LOOK we have done so much for you. Its like they are judging me constantly and I am failing every single time. I graduated from UCLA but they never looked at it as if it was something enough yet that could have repaid them.

I want to pursue dental school but I didnt make it through the first time i applied. I am still struggling and at teh same time looking for a realy career job. I have a part time job which pays ok but afcourse not as good. Its like they are always using me as a tool to show their extended family here -- uncles etc down. My cousin has a great job and she make very good money. I dont so they constantly look at me like i am useless. They dont say anthing directly about teh job but they still show it. The job i have right now --- i have weekends off and there is no way i will get more hours for weekend. My dad was like --- here we are struggling and you want weekends off for yourself. I mean the first thought in his head about my days off was as if i am doing it by choice. WHy cant he think positive.

There is constant struggle for my dad who was in a greta position in india and now he has to work as security officer and he pretty much hates it. The job before he hated it. He has a very big ego. He will hate anything where he feels liek a subordinate. Whereas he was teh one who made the decesion to immigrate for all of us. He said he will work as gas station if he has to it is all ok. And now every other day he creates a scene in the house. Stops talking to everyone and walks around showing he is angry.

Afcourse no chance is missed to put me down. He said the other day ---- u are lazy -- infact you are teh laziest person in this house -- no this neighborhood. Infact there probably arent that many people who are lazier that you are. Why he said that???? because primarily I am the fat one in the house so if I am fat I must be lazy. I do have a job --- like him --- but no somehow I am lazy

He will stop talking to my mom whenever he wants and yell at her. He basically yella and says **** to everyone. And he will blame me. Every other day he is sitting there saying I am done here I am leaving you and going to India.

I just feel my life is gonna be enslaved to them forever. Nothing is enough. NOTHING. If I had that kind of job then ther ewill be something else

every decesion of my life is controlled by them

I absolutely love this guy. been seeing him for over 3 years now. We want to marry each other. But he doesnt have any degree. He comes from a financially OK OK family and so when i finally mustered teh courage to tell my parents after 1 year of seeing him they pulled the biggest emotional black mail stuff on me. "we did so much for you etc etc and you bring shame to us"
he is the same cast sect religion everything. But not good enough. I should have brought a black guy to them.

My dad went on his judging and said this is just lust etc not love.

My bf and I have gone through our share of ups and downs and its been 3 + years. We have had pretty ****ty times and pretty good times but we love each other. I wanna marry him. I dont care if someday i maybe a dentist and all he has is a high school diploma. I knwo he will never be useless. he will always find a way to stand his own ground. I wouldnt have to support him because he has too much of a self esteem for that. His parents adore me. This is a truely unique situation for an indian family. Usually teh girsl parenst are begging teh bf's family to take teh girl because she is already shamed for having a bf.
I cant go out and stay out late. I have never had a sleep over with friends. I have only managed to go on a trip once in my life.

There is control control control.
Even my marriage is a way for them to show off to their brother in law whose daughter was marrie dto a rich family with doctors.
My parents want to beat that or match that. And anything less pretty much will drive m mom to suicide.
They will disown me.

I dunno what to do. Which stress to deal with at what time.

Should I worry about job?
should I worry if I will make it to dental school?
should I worry if I will ever get to marry my bf and have a happy family?
should I worry about how fat and hideous I look?
should I worry about how to soothe my parents and be a moral support to them when they are constantly badgering me?

OR am I just self centered. Only thinking of I I I I . SHould I be ashamed of myself for not repaying my parents however they want me to for all they have done. SHould I marry the guy they pick.

I think you sound more angry than depressed. There's a whole lot of energy in that post!

I think you're living under very trying circumstance. Which stress to deal with? I think the real question is figuring out what *you* want to do with your life and what you're going to do to make it happen. Figure out if you can move out and be independent. Figure out how to be happy even if your family's attitudes never change, because it's unlikely they will. But you have to at least emotionally separate from their turmoil. It's not necessarily about throwing away a relationship. Sometimes, a little distance *saves* a relationship.

But you have to make your choices based on acting from your values, not reacting to someone else's issues.

But being that angry (rightfully) and not using it to make choices and improve your lot - *that* will get you depressed.

Hi, there,
I'd agree with Julie, I think right now you're more angry than depressed. And it seems you have every right to be.

I think you're caught in a catch 22, in that your family moved you here to improve your lot, and to make you American, but they want you to keep your Indian traditions. It's hard to move to a totally different culture, get an education there and then still retain traditional values of a totally different kind.

First you need to really accept that you're not responsible for your parents choices - THEY chose to move to America, and even if their reasons were based on bettering life for you, it was still their choice. You have a responsibility to treat them with respect, but not to take abuse. You`re American and you don`t have to take abuse from anyone.

I`d say decide what YOU want to do - whether it`s a job, or marriage or whatever, and then set about doing it. Taking control is a huge step towards feeling less angry, and once you feel less angry you`re more able to deal effectively with your parents.

You don`t have to make drastic changes and cut them out of your life, you just need to make yourself happy, and hope that you can work it out with them.

Good luck!!!

Marry the BF anyways, move out and start your new life

This is tough...I just wanted to say im sorry for what you are going through.I wont begin to understand Indian customs or traditions.But I do know that they are very important to Indian culture as I have worked with many physicians from India (brilliant and very family oriented, btw).I think dental school is GREAT...if you want to be a dentist, that is.Otherwise chosing a career for others is usually not a good idea.Loving you job is soooo important.Lets face it, we all spend numerous hours a week working...do something you LOVE to do.I do

I agree with RN, marry the BF and live YOUR life! And don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about being who you are. I believe we choose our own paths in life, and happiness, your happiness, is important. Please, don't marry someone your parents "pick" out for you, marry someone you love. You are your own person, be brave and stand up for what you want.

Thanks a lot guys!! I have never really posted like this on a public forum -- heck i have never shared this with anyone but my bf. He understands a bit.

I do I really want to marry him. In our culture the girls family is suppose to call up the guys and fix the marriage. But still his parents called up my place. My mom turned them down not once but twice. She even took the opportunity to "EXPLAIN" to his mom how he is NOT EDUCATED ENOUGH AND NOT MAKING ENOUGH MONEY.

I know finances make a huge difference but in our culture in laws make a big diff too. Often the inlaws and the brides have weird relations. I feel his family really appreciates me and sees that I AM actually taking a huge step by trying to stand up for him to my parents. I would love to be in a house where I am appreciated. Unfortunately I dont feel that at my home. After I told my parents aout him in 2007 they threw a fit. This ordeal went on for 6 months and I was emotionally blackmailed and put through a guilt trip at the same time them telling me that I am wrong and they are right.

THEY NEVER EVER MET HIM. THEY HAVENT EVEN SEEN HIS PICTURE. He is just not good enough for them. I continued to talk to him even after that when they told me not to. It was impossible for me to not. We actually tried. 4 months--- but couldnt do it. I know he loves me and he understands me in a way i would like. Besides status and money he has everything and when my parents argue against it I feel like they are so materialistic.

We have never been super rich -- even in india. My parents always taught me that money isnt everything and now I feel they are being so Hippocratic.
I mean even if marrying him would work out --- if my parents put up obstacles like disowing me etc -- it will kill me and only bring unwanted stress on my marriage. That may doom it to fail.

I still have to bring up the bf issue to my parents again. And I feel that they look at me as such a failure that this will only make a shi-tt-y situation worse.

About career I WANT TO GO TO DENTAL SCHOOL. But because i lost a year because of not getting in my family puts so much pressure on me.

I do love them and respect them -- but it is so hard to show it --- especially respect them when they are doing these things. They don't even see me as a human being. I feel like a punching bag. I know they are frustrated because of the financial situation we are in -- but i am going through it too.

I CANT MOVE OUT. Being Indian n all it will just make the situation worse. All my extended family will be like ---- O she moved out -- why?/??

and same for my parents. The only way I am getting out of this house is if I get married or go away for school.

So I just have to deal with it. My bf tells me ignore it brush it off. I have a hard time doing that.

But thanks for all your advice. Yes you are probably right -- i am angry rather than depressed.

I am not from India, so I don't know quite what the situation is, but wonder if you have considered (if it would be acceptable to the culture) to have an older relitive bring a plan that you and your BF have drawn up saying how he will become smarter, make more money. If BF is not going to college, try to get him to go. A Pharmacist can make a lot of bucks and they are not super-smart people. There are also plenty of high paied jobs that someone can get into whi has a bit of math and science. I can see how your parents would be concerned, but also a dentist and a lawyer or whatever field he wants to go into can live quite nicely. If you can find a nice respectable mentor to help plan your lives for at least a few years, and show your parents that you both will be okay, it might work. (Oh and let this person do the talking for you. You really do not want to bow up or act immature for this one.)

I wish you luck.

Ahhhh...Pharmacy school is not easy.Just sayin'.LOL

I have to agree with Harris...pharmacy school is not easy...and since I work in pharma I know that pharmacists are extremely smart people. And I'm sure all the lawyers in the world would be a little put out right now.

At the end of the day, a degree doesn't mean you're intelligent - it means you can learn. There are plenty of really brilliant people out there without a degree...and I know several PHd's who couldn't tie their shoes without help.

And bear in mind, the average garbage man makes an excellent salary.

Ultimately, sweettooth, it seems you're already making your parents unhappy, so it may just be that you need to sit them down and make your case. Tell them how you feel, about your career and your bf. Tell them you appreciate the sacrifices they made for you and that you won't let them down, that you will make good decisions for yourself and your future, but that you need the space to make those decisions on your own. You respect their culture, but it's no longer one that works completely for you.

Really - you're angry and unhappy now - what do you have to lose?

Remember something, some of the richest / smartest people don't have a college degree....

Not everyone his age makes a fortune, give the guy a break... imho a good salary can be earned anywhere, but you need to be patient.... money will come with experience and maturity.

Marry for Love and stop letting them brain wash you into thinking of him as some one less because of his education. Love is not judgemental

Good luck !!!!

Lennie-ABSOLUTELY!!!I come from a very educated family....have some very educated friends.....have some friends with little post high school education.The most content people I know are in the last category!!!

Thanks guys, That really makes me fell so much better about this situation. I felt I was stuck and the only way out would be to give in and marry one of the guys my parents pick out.

I know they will do their best to pick best guys. Infact they have shown me some proposals and pictures too. The guys are educated but not like Phds -- just bachelors etc. And are settled. Some have families in India and some here. But you never know where they've been and how their families are. That scares me. I have seen a lot of indian families. Very few are moderate and normal. Either they are totally conservative and often uneducated and the inlaws therefore never understand where teh daughter-in-law is coming from. Usually you live with in laws u know. Or they are modern and trendy --- a bit too much trying to be american that it brushes off quite well on the kids and the sons especially are wild crazy party types. WIth very little family values and often weak love bonds between parents and siblings. SO kind of like me for myself you for yourself. And that is absolutely opposite of what I want. Anyways.

Havisham I absolutely love your advice and I think it is very sensible. I wish I can put it across to them so well and that they understand.

Leenie, you caught me right on with the brain washing thing. I mean my parents especially my mom whined so much about how he is not well educated and has no career and neither are his parents rich enough to accommodate that --- that I started to talk to him about going back to finish his bachelors. He started community college but then joined fire academy. He is actually trained to be a fire fighter but the way the economy is he cant get a job. SO he works at the post office. But he just couldn't. He needs to work full time because he feels that he needs to take reponsibilty on his own. I really felt bad about pressuring him for school. I feel like everytime i bring it up it makes him feel small --- as if he isnt good enough --- and he often doesnt say much about his feelings.

I just dont want to do that anymore. If he feels school is right for him he will go. I hope God opens more doors for success for him. If he lands up a gig or business where he makes good money my parents would forget about education in a second. Hippocratic again because they are the ones with this whole propaganda about education no matter what. In the end it just boils down to status and money for them. Nothing else.

I am still mustering the courage to bring it up to them again.

Another thing sucks cause now that his family waited almost 4 years for me and my family --- we are on a deadline from them. They really want him to get married and settled now. His grandfather has cancer and that makes it worse. He wants to see him get married before something happens.

I have been in your situation, but from the other side! I wanted to DATE this lovely man from Eastern Europe, but his family hated me for not being born into his culture. I tried everything, even spending time with his mother and learned her language so we could communicate without there being any inconvenience on her end. We bonded and she tolerated me, but as soon as he started talking about something more serious she shunned me and I havent been able to see/speak to him since. It was a very awkward and heartbreaking situation, but I also understand how he was being pulled in so many directions and it had to be even harder on him :[

The thing is, I believe you need to tell your parents that it was ultimately their decision to immigrate and it isnt your responsibility to babysit them and make sure that they are happy. If they wanted you to have an American education, they cant really expect you to not try to assimilate yourself a little bit so you can get the best from both worlds.

Hey, again,
First - if that's you in the pic, you look amazing, and fat is definitely not the first word that comes to mind.

Second, seems to me your boyfriend has his head screwed on. He wants to work full time, at whatever he can get, because he feels he has a responsibility to himself and his life. How could that ever not be good enough? I have a friend who's been married like 16 years and her husband has worked for less than five of them...not because he can't, but because he doesn't want to. He thinks everything is beneath him and the world should come to him....and this is a guy who barely graduated high school, and has no marketable skills. She's been supporting him, running her own business, and employing her whole family at it since they met. He stays home and watches tv and plays computer games...he even *****es if she asks him to pick the kids up. He does nothing in the house - literally nothing. Sounds to me like your boyfriend is a worker, who'll always do his best for you and the family you may have. And he deserves kudos for taking a job that maybe isn't what he wants to do, but it's what he can get. That makes him a great guy.

I know that your family only wants the very best for you - and it's just unfortunate that they think that's someone with education and money. Maybe point out that lots of men with lots of education also have lots of student debt! I have no doubt that once they see that this man makes you happy, and as your life goes by, that he takes care of you and your future family, they will eventually accept him. Just give them time (and trust) to see what you see in him.

I think you'd be depressed and extremely unhappy if you accepted what your parents are trying to force on you...life is too short. They love you - they'll come around.

Hang in and PM any time you want to chat!