this isn't about weight loss more like i don't know where to turn with my boyfriends depression.

anyways, he is a veteran and sometime early this year him and his wife had issues and she moved her bf in...and obviously he left...anyways, he has been treated for depression every since. he has been in and out of the v.a hospital 4 times this year.

when i met him it was online and i never actually intended meeting him in person. well he was staying with a friend and a month before thanksgiving his friend said he had to move before the holidays and he stressed so much he went back in the hospital.he was there 2 weeks and decided he was coming here so called and told me he'd just stay in homeless shelter. well i met him to take him there (didnt know what else to do) but he said he'd never stay just walk around town so anyways, i let him sleep on couch...well that was a few months ago. he showed up with nothing but a back pack and he traveled 3 hours on bus and has no where to go, no family.

this is just the background...anyways i feel like i can't say or do anything or he is crying and i have no one to talk to. and yes he continues treatment.

does anyone know of any place online to talk about dealing with depression like this.

I'm sure there are others here with more experience in this situation than me, but I have worked in the psych ward for 2 years with patients, many of whom suffered from chronic depression.

Unfortunately, the amount of resources varies from state-to-state. We had many chronic people come in repeatedly, almost like a revolving door. Sometimes, people are there for "3 meals and a cot" (i.e. replacement for a homeless shelter). It sounds like your boyfriend's treatments are not working. If this is his first year experiencing depression, there are many treatment options he may not have tried: a huge variety of antidepressants, behavior modification therapy, day treatment, inpatient treatment, even electro-convulsive therapy (shock therapy--controversial but really works for some seriously depressed people).

I feel like these treatments should be available to him if he is going to the VA Hospital regularly. He could also try a regular hospital with a mental health unit. Does he have a case worker? That case worker should be trying to keep him connected to resources.

Unfortunately, checking yourself into a hospital is no guarantee of getting the right treatment or staying until you feel better. We discharged so many people to homeless shelters. Beyond depression treatment, he may want to connect himself to a social worker who can help him get employment and housing.

You may feel I am totally out of line saying this but this might not be the healthiest time to be in a relationship with him. My friend's brother sounds exactly like your boyfriend and has constantly told her "I'm coming to live with you" even though she lives 6 hours away in a one-bedroom apartment. She is a reliable person with an apartment and money and he feels like she will take care of him while he works on his depression. She feels like saying no to him will make him try to kill himself.

I've watched many family members' lives almost destroyed trying to help their depressed relatives. Depressed people take, take, take, they can't help it. But you are not a psychiatrist, doctor, social worker (okay maybe you are but you are not supposed to be that to your boyfriend!) and he needs professional help. You have to (in my opinion) draw a line for how much you will be willing to give to your boyfriend to help. Think of it as a person drowning. You could swim out yourself and try to save them, but while they are flailing about, they might drown you in the process. Or you could get a lifeguard to help. There's not guarantee the lifeguard will save them but I think the risk if far greater if you try to do it yourself.

I guess what you can do is go with your boyfriend to some treatment meetings. The more people involved, the better (usually). But most of all--take care of yourself!

I am a veteran and I go to the VA hospital all the time for medical services and weight loss management. The VA Hospital in Hampton VA is great and the staff very friendly and caring. A lot of the staff there are volunteers and want to be there they don't have to be there.

Most all the big VA Hospitals have dorms for vets to stay in for many different reasons. Mental, alcohol, drugs or just a place for the terminally ill.

In my opinion (and I admit I could be wrong I am no doc) but it sound like this guy needs to be in there for treatment.

Does he work? Contribute to the household? Does he need intense counseling?

When he left his house did he not have any idea where he was going? No money saved? No job? No family to help him out, no friends locally to put him up? If not then there was a reason.

I'm sorry I don't mean to sound uncaring or unsympathetic because I am not, I watched my sister go through all this with her ex husband, but if you were my little sister that guy would be out of there. It just seems like a recipe for disaster to me...

It just seems like this guy needs a lot of help.

I hope you can figure all this out...

the depression was brought on by his ex wife and basically the break up and she moved her bf in so he left and stayed with a friend. the last time he was in va hospital was cause his friend told him he needed to find a place before the holidays so he stressed so much he ended up back in the hospital and just left everything. and yes came here the same way once out of the hospital.

he was a truck driver before but hasn't been able to since moving and meds, but aside from that any stress causes anxiety attacks and i personally don't think he would last a day working...he is on public assitance and is trying to get disability.

the thing that bothers me is i am along way from any va hospital or even the outpatient is 90 minutes away so he only see's counselor/social worker once a month max

Hi

Is he going to the Ann Arbor VA, or the one in Western Michigan (I Think it's Battle Creek) ?

right now thru the outpatient in traverse city he has been in both the battle creek and ann arbor va hospitals though

It sounds like he is in crisis. Once a month is not enough support for someone in crisis. Having worked with mentally ill people, 90% of them hate being in the hospital. Not knowing all the details of the situation, it sounds like he is using you as a substitute for the hospital. The hospital I worked at had the largest mental health unit of any in the state so sometimes people would be admitted that lived hours away.

I just caution you from trying to fix him yourself. Even if he gets better with your support, it creates this codependency where he will always rely on you to control his feelings.

Does he refuse to go back to the hospital? It's such a familiar story to me. Family members will bring in their severely depressed loved one, the loved one hates the hospital, tells them they are not that bad and demands to leave, so they are sent home and nothing is fixed.

Does he say that he wants his own housing? Do you think he's capable to live on his own? If not and he just kind of showed up at your doorstep, I'm afraid he's using you.

If he seriously wants to make things work with you, he needs to look for mental health support elsewhere. Even if that means going 90 minutes away to the VA hospital. Ask to go to treatment meetings with him. Sometimes depressed people don't tell the whole story, they are too wrapped up in their feelings to listen or process clearly.

I'm sorry if you don't like the things I say but this issue is personal to me. I went through a long depression myself and went on to work with hundreds of depressed people and their families. There's such a fine line between being supportive and being used. People with depression need to know there are people there for them who love them but those people also need to create boundaries... which can be incredibly difficult when they say things like "Take care of me or I'll kill myself." It's a lose-lose situation for you.

BTW, if he's making suicidal threats, take him to the hospital IMMEDIATELY. Even if he's not being serious, show him that this issue is serious. People who say they are going to kill themselves, seriously or not, NEED HELP.

I agree with this.

I'm actually more concerned about YOU in this situation.

1 - you never actually intended to meet him in person
2 - on a complete whim, he left the hospital to come to a strange town where you were the only person he knew
3 - you meant to pick him up and take him to a homeless shelter, not because you wanted to, but because you "didn't know what else to do"
4 - he manipulated you by saying he wouldn't stay, that he'd just walkk around on the streets, so you'd let him move in with you
5 - that was "a few months ago" and he's still there
6 - he doesn't work, he doesn't contribute to your household, he cries when you try to talk to him
7 - you are now alone, isolated, can't help him, his sole physical and emotional support

Honey - this is NOT your boyfriend. A boyfriend or a lover or a SO of any kind is someone in a MUTUAL relationship - one built on affection, support, etc. That's not what you have with this guy. This is someone who needs serious help that you are unable to give. He has latched on to you because you have let yourself be put in the position of supporting him.

Please, please, please ... get him to the VA hospital and walk away from this. I'm not saying you have to quit being his friend or being supportive ... but think about this long and hard: Do you really want to be doing this the REST OF YOUR LIFE? Because if you don't end it now, you will continue to be the support for this guy forever. He will never work, as long as you enable him. You will wind up supporting both of you, and becoming his emotional crutch. It will become a burden that you cannot imagine and you will eventually become resentful and angry.

I can't even really tell if you love him or care about him or if you're just doing this because you feel bad for him and you got stuck in this situation w/out knowing how you got here. It sounds a lot like it's the latter.

You need to get out of this. If he becomes healthier and is able to make rational decisions and YOU can make a rational decision that you love him for HIM and not because you feel bad for him or feel that you have to help him ... THEN you can investigate a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

I don't mean this to sound harsh or hurtful. I just see so many warning flags here in the very few words you've written. I'm very worried about YOU.

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PhotoChick, I can always depend on you to be frank. I wanted to say this too but even on the internet, I worry about offending people.

me4life, your name says it all. You need to worry about "ME" (er, you...).

i don't know that he needs to be in the hospital he doesn't use it to get his way and i do go to all his sessions with the social worker and psychiatrist with him. but agree that i haven't had time to figure out how i feel about the whole situation mainly because he is always here and he definately uses me as a crutch although he denied it completely when the social worker told him that and that he needs to get better on his own. i don't think he is in crisis but cannot handle any stress. i think the holidays are a main cause because before december he would have anxiety attacks maybe once a week now its daily.

but my problem is when someone else needs help i am always helping others and ignoring how i feel about it, i'm afraid if i bring it up he will not be able to deal with it and no i don't think he'll commit suicide but he has told the social worker he wont call her cause he's afraid they'll put him in the hospital.

and incase i forgot i really do appreciate the advise...thank you

and he does contribute what he can but like i said he is on public assistance right now so that is not much....i know i'm standing up for him but i feel you think he's worse than he is. this month is hard because he has been trying to contact his kids with no luck and with the money thing and everything else...but my point i guess is that i don't know how to deal with it all. i seperated myself in may and have a 10 year old who is confused with going back and forth so i am dealing with alot besides this.

I agree with everybody else. He needs to go get help somewhere else. One thing nobody else has talked about is the fact a 10 year old is involved. If she was grown and in this situation what would you tell her? Plus if you need time to think about how you feel about the situation, its a sign.