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I’m totally convinced now that this marriage cannot be saved. I just can’t believe so many years down the drain and our family ruined.
Wes: the years aren't down the drain, they are a part of you ( and her) and will always be with you. Right now your vision and memories of those times is skewed by your hurt and sadness. The shared experiences don't mean nothing, they mean you HAVE a family. Not ruined, but changed. You made a positive change for your family when you had your WLS, to try to become a healthier you. The fact that you are doing what it takes to be there for your family is not taken away by your marital status! They need you more than ever, and thanks to your surgery, they are more likely to have you.
I’m starting to have nightmares, still not sleeping, I just can’t imagine being with anyone else.
Thanks again to everyone for the kind words.
Wes
I hope you will talk with your doc or therapist about the nightmares, and sleep problems, cause those can really add to depression, as I am sure you know. As to anyone else, thats not here or there.
You need to grieve what you have lost. Going out and dating will not make you feel better, and wouldn't be fair to an otherwise nice woman, when you are not ready to have a relationship.
Divorce isn't about starting new relationships, its about changing the status of the one you have.
Know that you have friends who care, and focus on your kids.
best wishes,
fatmad
Wes I could talk to you for hours about divorce...been there done that...kids are fine...ex and I are great friends...would have helped her pack when she wanted to go if I knew how good my life was going to be after she left me...but for now I will say...
I just can’t believe so many years down the drain and our family ruined.
I would encourage you to really work on losing this mindset - especially around your kids.
Those years haven't been "down the drain". They happened. They existed. And obviously you had happy times during those years. If absolutely NOTHING else - you had children. Are you saying that your children deserve to be categorized as "down the drain" as well? Of course not.
I am getting divorced after 10 years of marriage, but I don't consider those years wasted or "down the drain". They are and always will be a part of me - just as my husband always will be a part of me even tho we're no longer married.
And saying your family is ruined - are your children "ruined"? Are they no longer of any value to you? Of course not. Your children are your family and will always be, no matter whether you are married to their mother or not.
Don't let your grief and anger cause you to say and think things that you don't really mean - and especially don't take this attitude in front of your children.
Divorce is hard. I know. It sucks. I know.
But your wife is not an evil woman or you wouldn't have married her, loved her, and had children with her. And no one here knows what personal or emotional issues that *she* is dealing with that caused her to pick this time to make a painful decision. For people here to badmouth her isn't helpful to you or to anyone.
Hang in there and remember that this is NOT the end of your life and nothing that happened in the past was wasted or ruined.
Hello Wes,
I don't know you, and I am brand new to this forum, but our situations have some similarity. I experienced family death, marriage break down, unemployment and illness in one foul swoop (all within 3 weeks). As you have described it seemed insurmountable. I did the zombie walk through my life. I cried all the time.
Then I found a therapist. She normalized me and helped me cope.
She just kept saying give it time, make no decisions now...
And I did...I gave it time, and slowly one by one everything turned around. Although I am not religious, I do think the world is conspiring for your good. And in my case, I did not listen to the universe telling me that I was going the wrong way, the wrong job, a negative relationship with my spouse. It seems like after so many warnings the universe puts a road block so tall, so wide and so deep in our paths, that you can do Nothing but confront it.
And I have, as you are too.
People I loved and had forgotten came out of the woodwork to console me. People called me from far away, people I had not spoken to in years....
Good will come of this, there will be positive change.
Therapy can help with the massive amount of work. My physician put me on an anti depressant which has radically changed my life for the good. My husband took time and changed his perspective (it took 6 months).
It hurts like h*ll, and will change who you are forever, but somehow I know you will get through this, and whatever lays on the other side will be better- and you will be healthy enough to enjoy it.
Wes I too am a newbie but I gotta chime in. My wife left me and our daughter 13 years ago to go do drugs with her friends leaving me to raise our kid alone.
I felt as you do now ... for about a month I was drunk and miserable. Until it occurred to me that my kid needed me even more and that she didn't care how I felt so why should I beat myself up at her leaving.
I decided right then and there I was going to reinvent myself. The first thing I did was quit smoking and drinking. The second thing I did was throw myself into my business and focus on giving my kid the best life I could give her.
Now that I look back on it she really did me a favor. I would not be the man I am today if she had stayed.
One suggestion though, you might want to get your kid/s some counseling if they need it because I didn't and my daughter grew up with mother issues that I never knew about. I wish I had because she had a lot of inner anger.
I am going to admit I don't know you at all. There have been a lot of other people giving you wonderful advice. Your story nearly made me cry though... My mother left my father after a good 16 years marriage, just like that. I don't know what that feels like, but I saw what it did to him. It's heartbreaking...
If you ever need someone to lend an ear please contact me. I'm a good listener. To see you trying to make things work and her shooting every idea down...just breaks my heart. If you don't contact me I hope you will be alright. Divorce is the only thing scary about marriage...
Thanks Tin, it’s been really hard. I'm on a roller coaster of emotions; mad, sad, pissed off, hopeful, okay, then crushed. The good news is it getting better; I have a lot of great friends and a big family and they have helped me a lot. The divorce is proceeding in a civil manner (which is weird, since it’s such an emotional thing). I hate her for what she’s done to our family, but I’ll stuff the emotion since I know it won’t help the situation.
The girls are spending this week with me, which is great for me, but the boys haven't been back since the separation a couple of weeks ago. I know that they are trying to protect their mom and don’t want her to be lonely. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it. I know I can’t say anything and I haven’t, but it still bothers me. It just is what it is.
Hi Wes -- I read your posts and it tugged at my heart. From the first post to your most recent, its sounds like you are dealing with the best you can. That is the best thing, one day at a time. I've learned we can NOT control other people or their actions or feelings, but only ourselves and our reactions to them. If you did everything you think you can, then that is all you can do. Who knows what's really going on with her or in her mind. But you have yourself and your kids to think about, to focus on. Your life/marriage and time together was not a waste. You have 4 kids and (i'm guessing) some great memories. Don't let that be destroyed by this, hold onto them. As long as you don't give up or lose hope, you will be ok. Better than ok. The possibilities are endless.
