Please don't get the wrong idea, not trying to start a pity-party here, but it's something I wanted to get off my chest..

Lately, well, nearly all my life.. I've pretty much always felt alienated and incredibly lonely. From probably after Kindergarten (at which time I was outspoken and outgoing), when people started noticing I was a little chubby (and it wasn't so common back them) I stopped having friends and stopped having a social life.

I went from being this happy little kid to one who was ostracized if not hatefully, then by simple exclusion. I would work hard at having friends and be nice to everyone, but it never seemed to work. I always felt like I was outside looking in.

Years passed and I was always the girl sitting alone in the back of the class, sitting alone at lunch everyday and always hoping for something better that never came. Again, I would always try to be social, always try to join other people and I was never really a downer, always hopelessly positive, but it never seemed to work.

I went all the way through high-school and college that way - always excluded. Same in all my jobs - I would try to make conversation and join people, but again, always the exclusion. I would watch as other people were invited out to lunch, and how other peoples opinions were listened to, but mine were just tossed away. No one took me seriously if anyone "took" me at all. I was just "there" but never really "there".

Here I am now, 25, and recently unemployed. They cut back at work (supposedly), so now I'm on the payroll until the 18th of January and I still don't have a new job lined up. I was at my current place of employment for exactly a year. They cited money problems, but they recently hired a new girl to take the place of someone who was there before me and who is a really nice girl, but completely entry-level. I was a little tiffed that I'd been there for a year and after the other girl left I wasn't offered her position. I've been doing administrative work for ages and have far more experience, but she has the better personality.. More outgoing, thinner, prettier, more "presentable".

I would find myself resenting her, not "her" as in her personally, but the fact that she was given all these opportunities for advancement with access to seminars and personal enrichment opportunities, meetings with clients and broader access and free-reign than I ever was. Also, everyone loved her. I can't say a bad thing about her, but I just feel like I was a little bit slighted. (you probably would be too if you'd been working somewhere a year with prior experience and someone comes in straight out of school and makes nearly twice as much as you do, and is praised non-stop and loved by all)

My sister is autistic and sometimes I get this strange feeling that maybe I have "problems" and I'm really mentally ill and socially inept but no one ever told me because they want me to function normally, but everyone I've told this silly theory to thinks I'm insane. I'm married, I've been able to be employed, go through school, etc, but I can't figure out why I'm so isolated from people when I don't want to be.

I can't figure out of it's all about my weight. Most of the time, I don't think about it, and I'm not a negative person and I don't dwell on the negative or act depressed or complain all the time. I feel like I'm kind and pleasant, well-read, relatively intelligent and can hold a conversation on a variety of topics. I am overweight/obese, but at 5'4" and 219lbs, I don't feel like I'm disgustingly heavy or THAT different from the majority of the American population..

I just can't figure out why I'm so isolated. I would love, love, love to have friends and a broad social circle full of activities. I've always dreamt of it, always worked towards it, but it never becomes a reality. Every once in a while, I will get hung up on it and feel tragically flawed. I don't let it show on the outside and I still put on a happy face, but sometimes I just feel SO DARN LONELY and ISOLATED that I don't know what to do..

I see other "large" people with friends, lots of them sometimes. I see people who are MUCH larger than me, MUCH less intelligent than me, etc. but I see them MUCH more loved than me, MUCH more accepted than me, MUCH more taken-seriously than I am.. I just can't figure it out.

Anyway, just a rant..

Wow Kiddo, your post is exactly how I feel. I'm 43 and still haven't figured out why I feel like how you described. One thing I did learn when I was in my late 30's is I have ADHD and thats part of the reason why I can't sit through a conversation or give my comments/insite at work, so I just stay quiet. I am shy because of this and being over weight since I was about 6.

I wish I had the magic words for you but I don't. The only thing I can think of is going to therapy...talking to some one who can look beyond our worlds (for lack of a better way of saying it). I too wish I could be more outgoing and but just don't know how to go about doing it.

Thanks for posting your feelings (not a rant by no means).... I'm really trying to look deeper into myself and your post is helping me dig.

Your such a sweet person, so don't you ever forget that.... we just have to figure a way out of this don't we.



Leenie

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Dear LMM,

Wow, after reading your very well written post, I find myself with many things I want to say to you. I hope I can do a good job without rambling like I sometimes do.

Where to begin. It's not your weight. While there will always be fools who don't want to be friends with big people, it's been my experience that those fools are few and far between. It's not how you look. Your avatar photo shows me a very attractive woman who looks friendly and approachable. That is what I look for in people- friendliness and approachability. There's always the possibility that you don't feel good about your appearance and that might interfere with how you come off around people but judging by your post, I'm hesitant to think it's that.

I have never been a popular girl. In school I was considered an over-intelligent weirdo and I was fat then as now and that was a problem then as you know how looks oriented kids and teenagers are. I am 41 years old now and by no means am I a wise old crone but I have learned a few things. One of those things is that if you have even just one person you call friend, you are lucky. If that person is loyal and will stand by you when things are tough, you are damned lucky.

I have a small circle of friends, two best friends. I try to make more friends and people go on and on about how they like me and I'm so friendly and funny and yadayada but in the end, nobody invites me out for drinks. Or to go shopping. Or for anything. I used to be very hurt by this. I was always checking to see that I was "minty fresh" and that I didn't have some sort of odor problem I wasn't aware of. I really thought for a short period that I must be somehow unfresh (even though I am as clean as they come) because I could think of no other reason why people would reject me!! I thought people were crazy because *I* would choose me for a friend, what was their hang-up?!

Please don't take this the wrong way. You are still young. In your twenties. While most everyone wants to be well liked and have lots of friends, as you get older and find your place in the world (and it changes from time to time) you may feel a bit differently than you do now. You may get a case of the "screw its" and find yourself becoming less willing to be so friendly and less willing to try so hard for people who don't try hard for you. Maybe that's the ticket? I used to be as nice as pie, trying to win affection or at least a lunch date with who I hoped would end up a friend and after a while I decided to stop that. I was really just tired and sore from making the effort for a fruitless outcome. It seemed when I did that, that people started to approach *me.* I don't know what kind of reverse psychology this is but I wonder what would happen if you tried that?

Your theory about the autism and you having a disorder is not "silly" but it doesn't sound to me like it would be applicable to you.

I understand and appreciate the way you feel about your work situation and that seems really low to do someone like that. I know sometimes optimism sucks when you didn't ask for it, but sometimes not getting what we want is a blessing. Maybe there is something better in store for you. I would feel just as you do about it if it happened to me, so I say that with the view of an outsider. Would you ever consider going to the people who hired her and sitting down and asking outright what you could have done that this girl is doing? Why they did not stick with you? If they ask why, you could tell them you are asking because you hope to better yourself or something like that.

I hope I'm not coming off to you or other readers as a know-it-all! That's far from being me. But your last paragraph really spoke to me. That is almost verbatim how I feel often times. I blame it on being picky about who my friends are which is true but heck, I'm not *that* picky! Sometimes it really bothers me and other times I don't even think of it.
I guess what I want to tell you in closing in don't judge yourself or your worth on how many friends you have. This will make you nuts and it won't be accurate anyway. If you'd like to get to know me, just drop me a line! That in no way is a pity offer even if it does come at the end of this post, so please know that. And most of all, resist the temptation to get down on yourself about this. People are weird. there's no accounting for them. I am thinking there must be something wrong with *them* to not be approaching you and me!

-Red

Wow...I have to say, I haven't read two more touching posts in awhile. It is such a sad thing that we can't find places in the *real* world to share this fully. I tell you...by Red and LMM's avatars and words...I would be the first to ask them to have coffee and browse a bookstore with me! I don't know why it is so hard... I have a few difficulties finding people who are likeminded... My best friend is my husband and my daughter is #2. I work out alot and would love to have a "fitness buddy" I haven't found them yet but I keep looking! I recommend that you guys just keep looking as well and just know...there are people out here that think you are pretty cool.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who posted in this thread. What really stands out is how positive and supportive you all are!

LittleMissMotivation - I can relate to your feelings so much. I have no female friends, except for my sisters. I consider all of my sisters my friends (and I know that I'm blessed just to have that), and two of them to be my best friends who I can share anything with...and I do. No matter how many 'friends' I've lost over the years and everything I've been through, they have always been there. The bond that I have with them is so deep that if I were to lose them, a peice of me would be gone forever.

RedGlitter – Your insights were very valuable and interesting!

LittleMiss - i can totally relate to what yoru sayign as i feel exactly the same way at the minute. Im 24, moved away form friends and family to be with my partner and near hsi family and nwo i have no one. It is really lonely , i work and have work eqaintances but not friends - i dont go out with them or socialise with them outside of work and i feel really isolated. Bf who ive been with for 5 years doesnt seem to get it, hes out with his friends every few weeks drinking and im sat in doors - i dont think ive been out in over 6 years in any way shape or form other than with my bf or son. So i can totally relate to how your feeling. I hope you feel better chicky and jsut know your not alone.

Love

Sam
x x x x

Hey LittleLost, it's strange - I'm just like you. I too am 24, I moved away from home 6 months ago and I still have yet to make friends beyond work acquaintances. I have a bf I've been dating, and his family, but all my friends are back in another state. I visited with them over the holiday and went out to see movies with them, so it kept me sane. But here... I don't know. It's hard to make friends once you start working and leave college.

LittleMissMotivation - Jeez, what would I say? My bf tells me to join a club, like the humane society (I love animals), but I have a fear of new things and people. It'll only get worse as I get older, so I suppose now would be the time to start correcting that. Thing is, maybe it's something that is affecting you too, but you might not see it? You said you used to sit in the back of the class and alone at lunch everyday. If you had the fear I did without realizing it, maybe you were subconsciously inhibited from sitting at the front of the class or amongst a crowded table. Stuff like that can lead to chatting with other classmates, which then forms relationships with them. You might not see it from your viewpoint, but to others the person in the back of the class says, "Do Not Disturb". Why would they want to approach anyone emitting those vibes?

I'm not trying to point fingers at any one cause, but it might be something to consider. The fear of new people/things is my problem, still is. It just might be yours as well.

After all, I too loved sitting in the back of the class...

Wow. I'm sorry to hear all these feelings that everyone has. I am 25. Been over weight for most of my life except for a brief 3 year period when I was 18. I feel the same way- where I don't feel like I look obese. In my job I am constantly meeting new people and doing presentations. And I am totally fine with it. I think it's because our my self confidence- and I come off confident. I think LMM- that more than anything- you have an issue with sefl worth. I agree that your best bet would be therapy. Most people do have few true blue friends. I can say that I do not. I have my husband. And that's all I need. I do have tons of people that I would go out with for a good time. But ultimatly he is the one that I have the most trust and faith in. I know he WILL be there, not matter what. My point is, LMM, that you have that too. Don't worry about friends. But if you want to have friends- try listening to people when they talk-- and ask questions about them. Seem intersted. You may find that you have things in common with them- then it'll get easier to talk to them... it'll be natural. And before yo know it- you'll be going out for coffee and lunch in no time.

XOXO Good luck to you!

I can identify! I've always felt a bit isolated from people. For me it's hard to make friends because I just don't identify or bond well with almost all of the people I meet. I feel that I think differently from the general populace (not better or worse~just different.) I'm afraid to speak my mind most of the time for fear of judgment. So, most people never meet the real me. I'm a work in progress like everyone else and I'm working on it!

DH and I moved to another state at the end of last summer and it's been really hard trying to make friends. I've had to really push myself to get out an do things. I am meeting people and getting out, but I can't say that I could call any of these people and just talk. It's a difficult thing, but I've got faith that we will all meet the friends we need in time.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is you are not alone! You are not crazy!

LMM -

Wow. I hope that now you see that even if you are isolated in the rest of the world, you most certainly aren't here! Your post made my heart ache, because it felt like I was reading about my life, only it wasn't me. Please know that you aren't alone, even though you feel lonely . I've read the other wonderful responses, and it made me want to cry to know that so many other beautiful souls had to go through the same kind of pain I did and, frankly, still sometimes do.

I've never been able to make friends easily - strangers always like me better than people I know. I really don't know what it is about me that people don't like . I've also really struggled to keep friends. I envy you your husband. I haven't been able to find someone yet who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am glad that you found someone to love who loves you.

I'm doing better now, but the last five years were really horrible (from when I was about 24), and I really didn't feel that life was worth it. Because I got so low, I set out to figure out what WOULD make my life worth it. I knew I couldn't set out to fix it right away, but I committed to take the time to figure out how I COULD fix it. I spent a whole year on thinking about it, and now feel that I have a plan and a goal in sight that could lead to fulfillment and contentment.

One of my biggest struggles is that I was never satisfied with my life, and never took the time to enjoy what I actually have. As an example, I was always remodeling my house - in my mind or in action. I was always buying things to make my house perfect, and then when I wasn't happy with that I would discard it and buy something else. I finally realized that this was just a symptom of a really deep-seated dissatisfaction with myself - a total lack of self-worth. As a result, I was often agry with people who got things (job position, friends, etc.) that I thought should have been mine. That only made things worse.

I also wanted to say something about your thought that you might suffer from some mental condition. Your fears are not crazy, and thinking about it certainly does not make you insane. The little I do know about autism is that it is genetic, and since your sister sufffers from it, it's something to be aware of. I've sometimes thought about being screened for Aspergers, which is related to autism. I have a lot of the characteristic - low ability to pick up on social cues, exceedingly bright as a child, isolated, and unable to interact with people of my age group. What kept me from it was that I've already grown up, and its unlikely that any diagnosis would change me.

I encourage you to get some help from a professional in your area - whether counseling or medication would be up to you and your doctor to decide. I just recently went on anti-depressants, and they have helped me a lot.

Another thing I'd reccomend is to practice compassion for the people who slight you, who bully you, or who exclude you. They are humans with struggles too, and by shutting you out, they are depriving themselves of a beautiful friend who would cherish them and support them.

BTW - your new profile pic is lovely - that color of blue is absolutely stunning on you!

Little Miss - wow loved your post!!! I encourage you NOT to get professional help - there is nothing wrong with you - it just sounds like you hurt. And because you are sensitive this is one of the side effects!!!

I can only say that when you/I/us/we start the "comparing" game - that's when we run into trouble. Assessing yourself and NOT up against others I would bet you would like what you see.

I too feel constantly isolated - like I'm this weirdo or something because I do not say the standard things or SOMETHING - it must be SOMETHING or else there would be this line-up to date me or invite me out......almost like there is this padding between me and other people........HOWEVER I believe enough in myself to develop self-love and respect and to question if I'm saying rotten things to myself automatically. Do you do that Miss - have you felt isolated enough so that you just automatically think "this is going to fail, this person is not going to like me as usual......this person is going to get it......I am a loser.....etc."

Ray

I felt tears comming on reading your post. I just wrote out a blog entry about the same exact thing, in an attempt to work on issues contributing to my weight. You described exactly how I feel, I have never had someone I thought was a true friend who did not dissapoint me. I am 21 and have never had a boyfriend. It is such a difficult problem to talk about. It's difficult to even type out the words "I have no true friends", yet alone talk about it with real people. I am in college (PSU, sort of in your area) and it hurts so much to call a list of aquaintances on a Friday night to have someone to go out with and have everyone be doing something that cannot involve you, or worse yet be included and feel anxious, like you don't belong the whole time. I'm recognizing that I have alot of work to do on myself in order to solve this problem (or at least manage it).

In my case I usually get to the point of a little closer than aquaintance (even casual friend) then feel too comfortable around someone and stop watching everything I say. I then will babble on out of anxiousness and say some things I probably shouldn't. IE we'll be having a chat about her boyfriend thats cheated on her 5 times, I'll tell her exactly what I think (then feel bad about it later) and then feel awkward around her. I feel like social relationships take so much work for me, I need to be very conscious of everything I do, say. IT's frustrating that it is so difficult for me, when it seems to come easy to everyone else.

I am not nieve enough to think that this is not my fault, that there is something wrong with everyone I come into contact with. I realize that it is something I am doing. I believe my lack of confidence contributes to my problem greatly. I've been avoiding social contact for the last few weeks as I've started my diet (trying to deal with one issue at a time). It really hurts that since I've stopped visiting, calling, and talking to EVERYONE I have not recieved one call, facebook message, text or any attempt at communication from anyone besides my mother. This confirms my fears that I have no true friends.

I realize that I have a problem that weight loss will not fix, but I've decided that I want to wait until I've lost a few pounds before I address this issue and try to make friends. I figure loosing 25 pounds, and buying some new clothes will give my confidence an artificial boost, which will make it easier to talk to people. I need to act confident and stop believing that people will not want to be friends with me before I even try. I also need to really watch what I say and not let myself go once I feel too comfortable around someone. I have to accept that it is going to take more effort for me than the next person to maintain social relationships.

I would also like to add that having this forum to vent these types of feelings is really helping me deal with some of the issues contributing to my weight.

The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.

- George Bernard Shaw

What do you like to do? Knit, crochet, read? Maybe you should join a club centered around what you like to do. Just get out and speak to random people and i'm so serious. Just try to exude confidence everywhere you go, fake it until you make it!

LittleMiss . .

I never thought it was truly possible to have anyone else out there almost feel exactly like me (to which I'm both saddened and comforted). I just cried a bucket of tears. How I wish I could give you and all who posted a giant bear hug.

There is so much more I'd like to say . . but I can't stop crying.

One thing I will spit out is . . we gotta be our own best friends. We have to make our lives good enough for ourselves. Because we're the only ones living it.