Thanks for sharing your story. I am 24 years old and feel exactly the same way. In high school and college I had some friends, but for the most part they all seemed to be more acquaintances than anything else. I never really had people I'd hang out with all the time. Occasionally I'd get together with people, but I was never someone who had a group to hang out with all the time. In college I lived with a group of people, but I always felt the rest of the girls were all much tighter with each other than they were with me.

A lot of times I too think I may have some kind of social disorder of some sort that effects the way I interact with people.

But you said you are married, so you must have done something right to win over your husband. I haven't been able to figure that part out yet.

But definitely know you are not alone in this kind of thing.

Hello, all!!

I have read all of your threads here. I am 36 and very lonely too.

My sisters where my best friends and my mother, but my sister died of cancer and my mother followed nine months later. The only other sister I have lives far away and is dealing with her own depression from my mom and siter dieing.

I had a best friend from grade school but we departed recently. One reason that I know of is... she is self-centered and only thinks of herself and what you can do for her.

I have noticed a common trend with some people. If there is no gossip, drugs, partying, etc. then most people I've come in contact with don't want to have anything to do with me. My own husband doesn't include me in on some of his trips off with his friends. His claim is that I don't drink and I wouldn't enjoy the company.

I wish any of you where in Alabama near me, maybe we could hook up or something.

Anyway, just wanted to put a comment out there!

butterfly4011

Sweetie your post seriously brought tears to my eyes. It's so unfair the way we treat other human beings...We go about our daily routine rarely thinking about the effects our actions, or lack OF, have on other people...even people we don't know.

But I will tell you this. Having friends can be wonderful sometimes...But it is not everything. A little background on me...I guess I could say I am on the opposite spectrum as you. In 5th grade I moved to a new school as the "chubby kid" who didn't wear name brand clothes. I was ridiculed on a daily basis. The popular girls would pick flowers, pull the petals off, and rub them into my naturally curly hair. Everyone would laugh at me as I welled up with tears and frantically tried to pick the smushed flowers out of my hair. 6th grade I started losing the weight, and mom started buying me name brand clothes. By the 7th grade, I was a skinny little thing, who hung out with the popular crowd just to escape their ridicule. But I never forgot what they did to me, and I always made friends with everyone who would have me, whether they were popular or not. My best friend was a girl that would never have been accepted in the "popular crowd" because her clothes came from Wal-Mart. Children are so shallow. In high school I was the quirky, funny girl who got along with everyone. I made fun of myself before anyone else could. I distanced myself from formally hanging out with the "popular kids" and my best friend and I just kind of receded into our own little group at school. She remained my best friend until we seperated for college...Which I regard as my fault. I have a problem with staying close to people...I try to break away from them before they have the chance to leave me.

So one night I was at her house...We had planned on going to the same college. I don't know what came over me, but I told her she shouldn't make her decision based on where I go to school. I told her she should go to whatever college SHE wanted to go to. I told her she needed to find her own identity without me, that we wouldn't always be able to be together. I told her she didn't need me as her crutch anymore, that she had grown into an independent and savvy woman. So she took my advice...and decided to go to school 4 hours away from where I was going. When she made that decision...I had another "heart to heart" with her..About how we wouldn't remain best friends..how we would start off coming home to see each other on the weekends, then it would get less and less frequent, until we saw each other once or twice a year... how we would call each other all the time at first, and that would stop also. (Not to say I haven't been correct on that, because I was). I didn't stop berading her about our "future" until I had her in tears. I had successfully cemented her decision to leave, but she promised me it wasn't going to be the way I said it would.

But she moved on, and became quite popular and active at her school, which I am proud of her for. It's what she always wanted...acceptance. And we have slowly lost touch, to the point I barely know her. It's both of our faults for not keeping touch...Though we still swear up and down we are best friends...I haven't seen her in months..and the only reason we got together was because one of our friends from high school died.

My college experience...I remained reclusive and bitter for 2 years. I thought it was pointless to make friends. Friends will drift in and out of your life. You will pour your heart out to them, and they will take it when they go. I started opening up again and made a small group of friends in the art department (my major). A couple of them I would consider to be very good friends...But I haven't really opened up to them the way I could...because I know once we all graduate, they will drift away. I can see it already. And I have began systematically detaching myself from them as my last semester in the art department comes to an end.

But I have no one to blame but myself if I lose them. If I really want to keep in touch, I WILL MAKE THE EFFORT. My selfish human nature will kick in though, and I will expect them to care enough to stay in touch with me. I just have this messed up perception that if my friends move away they somehow instantly stop caring about me. I know (atleast I hope) it isn't true...But it always lingers in the back of my mind and causes me to give up on the friendship. I feel like my worth as a friends diminishes with the distance. They can always find new friends to replace me...They couldn't possibly need me anymore.

*sigh* Anyway, the point of this novel I have just written is that having friends can be just as painful as not having them. I have tried both ways and neither are perfect. I have been surrounded by friends and felt completely alone, and I have been completely alone and felt fine.

HiI I'm so glad this is such a supportive place. I wanted to offer one thought and that is that it is helpful to become the inviter rather than waiting to be invited to do things. If you can't think of something to invite someone to, make it up. Have a tea party, have potlucks etc. One summer I was in a summer program and decided to invite every single person over for lunch or dinner. In order to do that I had to have four people over at a time. It was a blast. People who might have seemed intimidating or very very different became human beings and I realized that they too were shy, or could only be comfortable when they were wasted, or had complex and confusing personal lives. Now I can just accept that some people are too busy or overwhelmed or tired and that their behavior is not simply personal rejection. Best wishes!

I feel this way too. I am a single work at home mom of two girls, ages 4 and 1. It's a very, very lonely existence. I have little, if any, family support. I have a few friends who are busy living their own lives and don't have time to babysit for me or help me with my kids. Their dad isn't in the picture anymore as he walked out on us. I've never felt so lonely in my life and it's the root of my depression and eating problems.

I do have to tell you though, I spent a lot of my adolescence with avoidant personality disorder and agoraphobia and a lot of what you describe sounds like AvPD.

Thank you, Ladies. I have been so embarrassed of my feelings and isolated in my depressive behavior and thoughts. These posts are comforting.

I was motivated to start a pile of laundry that has been growing for a couple of weeks.

Thank you.

LM - I just saw this thread. I don't know if you're still following it. Have you ever been evaluated for Pervasive Development Disorder? This is a group of disorders that are characterized by impairments or difficulties with socialization and communication. Autism is a PDD, as is Asperger's. PDDs frequently run in families and you said you have a sister with Autism. Both my father and I have Asperger's, but he's much worse than I am and has never learned how to function socially. My brother has some tendencies, but isn't really held back by it. Not everyone in a family is affected equally. I was very socially isolated as a child and into my teens. To this day my natural tendency is to avoid social interaction, but I don't like how lonely I feel when I do, so I have learned ways to push through my isolating behaviours. It's very difficult, but it gets easier with practice.

People with PDD often have other symptoms like obsessive compulsive behaviours, ADHD and anxiety. If you can get it somehow, an evaluation and therapy could really help you learn how to work around your isolation and loneliness, no matter what is causing them. I know a referral to a specialist that can evaluate you and therapy is often not affordable, and if you can't afford it right now, you might want to read up on PDD and see if you see yourself there. If you feel like you're hitting close to the mark, there are lots of forums for teens and young adults that might be worth lurking around and absorbing some info from.

BP

Thank you for writing this. I like to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way for most of their life. I also do not truly have friends. I "inherited" my bf's friends when we started dating, but they'd vanish if we stopped dating.

It feels a bit like living a lie, doesn't it? Putting on airs like I don't care, like I enjoy eating alone, like it's not a big deal not having anyone to shop with, and I love going to the movies by myself.

It's comforting to know that others feel the same way. Although to be honest, I can't see it getting any better in the future. It's been like this for as long as can remember, why would it change now?

Hey ladies--

I came upon this thread last night and I am exactly like you all. All I can say is ditto to all you said-it applies to me, too. I did have some friends in high school but since those friendships broke off, I have not had a true friend! I am 41, so it has been a few years since high school. I would say that one of the girls that went to school with me was not really a true friend, she just seemed to take advantage of me and I let the "friendship" continue because she was all I had at the time.

I have longed to have a close girlfriend to share with but it just hasn't happened. I am fortunate in the fact that I do have my hubby and we have been together since I was in high school, but still as you get older you do long to have a girlfriend to commiserate with-to go shopping with-and share all those girly type things, ya know? Men just don't understand things like clothes shopping and "wow, look at this, isn't it cute?!"

I just wanted to add that after many years of grappling with this, and after my son was diagnosed with Aspergers disorder, I feel that I even though I may not qualify as being on the autism spectrum, I do have some Austistic tendencies. I do feel alienated and that I just don't quite fit in, and I do struggle with the social niceties, much like my son does.

For all it's worth, I just wanted to let you know, that I too, am here and we are all sisters in this!

A big hug to all of you. You deserve it and I wish we could all be friends!! Don't hesitate to pm me if you would like to chat!

I feel the same, especially in regards to people not taking me seriously. I sometimes feel, even though I'm 26, that I have retained a naive, childlike view of the world that others perceive as immaturity.

Because of my faith, there are conversations I will not partake in, and sometimes I am just introspective and shy... which is perceived as snobbishness.

I find that my closest friends are people older than me, even if it's just by a few years, and who share the same interests. For example, my boyfriend is a nerd like me, and he's also 9 years my senior. My friends from church are almost always in their thirties, with a few exceptions.

I would encourage you to join a club or group of similar-minded people.

Blessings and Peace,
Kate

Littlemiss, thanks for sharing this with us. It probably wasn't easy to write. What strikes me is that every single sentence you wrote feels like things i've written and/or realized about myself before. It's very isolating and frustrating. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away for you. I'm going to suggest a few things for you. First, it's not because you're flawed or something. If someone isn't dazzled by you being you, then chances are the road goes both ways and you wouldn't be dazzled by them either. Real friendship is less about quantity and more about quality. The hard truth is, most people suck and maybe, they aren't even worth you worrying about. Also, don't ever wish you were something else. You are wonderful and unique and brilliantly YOU. Stop worrying about what people think about you. Try to go out and meet people, but don't put the kind of pressure on yourself where you think that they hate you. I spent a lot of time doing that, basically, out of pattern. All through school I was ostracized. I was the "weird girl in black". People threw money at me and called me satan's whore. Later, I realized I tried to hard to make up for that behavior. Now, being just who I am, and nothing else I have a small but wonderful group of amazing friends. Maybe when you find your new job you will meet powerful new people who will love you for you. But if you don't, don't worry, you are not alone, and you will have friends. "tons of friends" are overrated. I would hate to be surrounded by people and not know who was genuine and who was just in it for the numbers.

I'm 19 and I have always been shy and not very social, mostly because of my weight. When I tried to talk to the opposite sex I couldn't, I felt inferior. New years 2007 I made a pledge to transform myself, mentally, physically, and emotionally. So far I have lost 65 pounds, and became more out going! I believe you can do anything!!! good luck

I could have written that post myself. I am 25 years old. When I go out in public I see other twenty somethings having fun or young couples and it makes me feel so sad and bitter.

I feel like this is the age that I should be enjoying my life instead of being lonely and sad all of the time. I usually attend school or work to fill in the void but on weekends, holidays and summer I feel terrible. I used to have more friends when I was bigger and assumed that after I lost weight making friends and dating would be easy. Well, I've lost a good deal of weight and I am still lonely and depressed. I know I should try to get out there and make friends but I always assume most people would find me to be strange.

to everyone.. I'm sending my love out to all of you!

So much was said within these posts that resonates with me and described my life and my feelings.

There is so much going through my mind right now, experiences and recollections that I could write about but it is late and I really need to get going to sleep. But before I go I really want to say that reading your posts brought me so much comfort... I didn't expect to feel so not alone in my loneliness... thank you LitteMissMotivation and thank you everone else... I'm so sorry you're all going through it but it is so comforting to read that I am not alone in this.

Ive spent so much time analyzing my own social experiences and lack thereof, and comparing myself to others.. and I think there is something to be said about appearing confident and coming across like you don't need someone to be your friend... I used to be so desperate for friends because I was always so lonely, and I remember observing one of the few friends that I had.. and she was so socially at-ease even though she was also shy and introverted.. but it was because at the end of the day, she didn't need the friendship from person X. There was a sort of friendly detachment in that sense that she had lots of family who loved her and childhood friends and she also didn't mind being alone, so that when she met someone she really just enjoyed the experience at the present time and I think people really responded well to that. And since she's so easy-going and approachable, I think that also helped.

LittleMiss --

I can identify with what you were saying too; I've had phases of my life, since about 6th grade until mid-college, where I felt very, very isolated, socially inept, strange and unattractive (personality-wise, to others). I too have always been heavy and during these years of relative isolation, my weight exploded to its highest. I always had small groups of friends, some I've grown up with, some I went to high school with, etc. but I too always longed for the broader social circle you described also wanting.

But in hindsight (which is, of course, always 20-20), I don't think it was the weight keeping me from being more social, having more friends, etc. I've thought about this A LOT over the last 5 years, since losing 80 lbs and maintaining that loss and undergoing MANY MANY changes, physical and mental, and I honestly don't think most people would reject a person as a friend because of their weight; and those who WOULD do that are few and far between and anyway, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. I now see that *I* was keeping me from social interaction; I was imposing a feeling of inadequacy, ugliness, shyness and social ineptitude ON MYSELF. I was fat, I hated myself for it, and I hid myself away. I was also perfectly pleasant, I would engage people, but not with my TRUE self and I think people could sense that, sense my discomfort. I was too afraid and too self-hating to really have a personality, to be forceful, to request things (people's attention, respect, time, friendship) and too insecure to think I was WORTHY of those things from others; other people pick up on those kinds of vibes. I'm not saying that is what you're facing; I'm just speaking from my own experiences with similar issues.

In the last 5 years, I think I have grown a lot as a person; getting my weight under control, exercising regularly, eating healthy, finishing college, getting a job, finding a husband, starting grad school is only part of it but those things, proving to myself that I have it in me to accomplish something big and stick with it, even if I haven't met my weightloss goal yet, has given me a lot of confidence. I'm not shy anymore, at all, ever. I say what I think (though always respectfully, with tact and kindness), I feel comfortable putting myself out there and risking making a joke or saying something funny, etc. and showing people my real personality. People react to me SO differently now and I don't think it's bc Im thinner, but bc what I present is genuine. I still have some issues when it comes to interacting with men (except a few, like the fiance), but at least now I actually feel free to express disinterest.

BUT... I do have to say that my "circle" is no bigger than it ever was -- I realized too that I tend to keep people at arm's length most of the time (esp. men, but that's another story) and now I almost prefer it that way. I have A LOT of friends, but only very few close friends still. I've realized that I'm just not the "big group o' friends" kind of person and I've decided life is too short to worry about that.

I don't really have any advice for you because I'm not exactly sure HOW I overcame this feeling of isolation, but you CAN turn things around -- it is possible. Consider what you really are presenting to people -- is that the real you? -- or are they reacting to something untrue you're "putting out there."

PS: That situation at work you mentioned sounds like some bulls**t to me... and I understand your resentment of that girl (even though it's not really her fault).

Qu: Do you talk to your husband about how you feel? What does he say? Personally, as I've always had a small number of friends I felt comfortable being myself with, there was no time when I was 100% friendless, and I haven't shared these past feelings of isolation with my fiance; by the time we met, things had changed for me so much, it was no longer much of an issue.