I over eat when I feel anxiety, recently because the holidays was upon me and i have out of town gust and me running around getting things done and eating.....grrr I can also relate to the sexual angle am I fat to keep men away to hide in my own skin? to stuff my feelings? I like to cook and i like to eat eat and eat, I was never overweight unyil i had my thrird child and now i'am 40 lbs heavier than I was at 9 months pregnant now thats sad.
Michelle

For the past month I have not had the urge to compulsively eat and I have finally figured out what, at least for me, it's all been about!

When I became a wife and mom, I gave up a lot of things that I enjoyed doing. I stopped pursuing my own interests and just did "my job." I felt guilty for doing things that were just for "me." My husband continued pursuing his hobbies and interests and he still weighs exactly the same as when I met him!

It has been tough to get back into the idea that it is okay for me to do things that I enjoy - things that may not directly benefit my family or the universe - but that do end up indirectly benefitting my family, because they give me a better outlook, a happier attitude, and allow me to exhibit to my children that it's okay to actually enjoy your life, even if you "just a mom!"

I was eating all the time because it was my only guilty pleasure, my only vice. I felt bad about it, but it seemed to be the least of the evils I could choose from, so I continued it. Now, I am doing some things I enjoy again, going out to dinner with a group of friends sometimes, spending some time writing creatively (which I have always enjoyed), walking 6-7 miles a day to train for 10K, and now, I don't need the food nearly so much! I look down at my fat and wonder, "how did I ignore myself for so long, and why? And how long will it take to get back to some resemblence of my former physical self?" I know the scars of these past 8 years that I have been overweight will remain and I will never be exactly the same as I was before.

I bet this is true for a lot of us women, trying to fit into some neat little role that doesn't allow us any freedom to be ourselves, and we just eat to pacify our minds, day after day.

I haven't updated my ticker, but I have lost 18 pounds in the last 6 weeks, not from any particular diet plan, but because I have had more positive energy, I have exercised a lot more and have just eaten a more reasonable diet, without all the cravings I used to have. If you can just find yourself, find something you love to do and make some time to do it, many other things will just fall into place. It has taken me so long to figure this out!

I also allowed myself to gain weight because I wanted to avoid all the sexual attention I got from men. I was harrassed and bothered for so long by bosses, aquaintances, etc., in my 20s, and found myself in dangerous situations several times, where I was almost raped. A boss once offered me $1000 to have sex with him. I needed the money, but I'm not a prostitute! Now, at my age, it probably wouldn't be such a big deal if I was thin, but I have a guilt complex about it now, and have to keep reminding myself that it's okay to look good. I picture myself at my goal weight and I get a shiver of fear because I imagine all kinds of bad scenarios that could come about if I "look too good." I have to keep reminding myself that I'm a good person and that I'm not going to suddenly turn into a bad person just because I'm thin! The weird things we do to ourselves with our own brains!!

Hi. I have posted on this thread before from the sexual attention point of view, but you are so on the money with the wife/mother thing. My husband just ran out on our only day home together (without any ice hockey games) to go help his brother build an ice rink. My frustration with him and putting our family needs last made me want to stick my head in a bag of potato chips.

But you are right, men get to keep their hobbies, their interests, their friends, their social agenda, their jobs. I don't see any women holding Barbie conventions. I'm enlightened by your admission and observations in your own life. I could have been depressed today, ate some crap, felt worse. But, because of you and your reply, I refuse and I will be nice to myself today! Thank you, thank you for hitting it on the head for me today. I love this website. Encouragement, understanding, praise and hope right when you need it. Have a beautiful day.

ellaswish, good for you for not sticking your head in that bag of chips! I hope you're still hanging in there... no amount of anger/sadness/frustration is worth drowning ourselves in food.

I hear all of you, girls, and I feel some of your frustrations myself.
I honestly don't know/remember who I was comparing myself to when I was in my teens/early 20s, but I always felt my figure was never good enough. I was small-chested (which I hated at the time, but now I'm happy about it!), didn't "appear" to have a waist from front-on (although it was narrow from the side), slim-hipped, had good muscle tone, and... well, there was NOTHING wrong with me! I weighed 128 (I'm 5'-2"), was running every day, and was in GREAT shape! So why the heck did I keep going on mini-diets to lose 5 pounds or so... trying to get a body I would never have? (Halle Berry's!?)

I was never sexually abused, but I was always aware when men were staring at me, and I hated it. At 40, I'm still a tomboy for that reason. A jeans (not tight, though!) and shirt girl, you know?
The "funny" thing was, when I first started gaining weight (shortly after I met my DH... we ate a LOT together), it didn't show. I easily gained 25 pounds without anyone noticing. The weight was evenly distributed, and I just wore bigger clothes. I think that's something that bothered me a little, too. When I'd tell people I was on a diet, they'd say, "You don't need to lose weight!" Which irked me to no end. In hindsight, I should never have told people when I was dieting. I'm not blaming anyone, but I do wish people would be more supportive when someone is on a "restricted diet". I mean, why do we have to be diabetic or something similar to be watching what we eat?

icmethinner, I love everything that you said.
Why is it that when we become moms, most of us lose sight of who we are?
I don't have any complaints as far as my DH is concerned. He's a wonderful father, and a wonderful husband. Supportive and fun and loving. But because I chose to stay home with our children (to my surprise... I thought I was going to be a "career mom"!), I put everything into being a good mom/wife. And I forgot about me. Now that our daughter is 16 and our son is nine, I'm starting to find myself again. But gee, is it ever hard-going!!

I find that when I'm wrapped up in busy-things, I don't even think about what I'm eating! Like yesterday... I was having a great time doing stuff around the house, having a quick coffee with my mom, rushing to the bank, etc. I had to make a real effort to find time to eat because I was so busy!
But there are times... it's particularly difficult when depression hits. No matter how hard I try, I can't think of anything better than a "quick fix" of food.

But I will end on a happy note. I'm having another "busy" day, and have barely thought about food at all. (until this minute, darn it! heh heh)
Maybe there's something in that. Maybe we have to acknowledge that we WILL have bad days. And that's okay. As long as we remind ourselves that there's an end in sight. That we ARE capable of feeling good about ourselves. That we do have vast quantities of energy inside us.
Maybe it's okay to say, "Ellis, you're feeling crappy right now, but it'll pass. You're a good person, and you'll get over this hump."
We need to give ourselves a hug (that sounds sappy, eh?) and be forgiving of ourselves.

Sending all of you a big hug... I hope this is a good day for all of us! (step away from the turkey and trimmings, girls... Thanksgiving is almost over!)

I was afraid some people might think I sounded selfish in my post, so I am so glad to get some positive feedback!

This is a wonderful place to get great support from great people! Thank you!

I just walked 7 miles in the rain and it is 45 degrees!! (I live in NC) I hurt, but I am so excited that I actually did it!

Hugs to all of you!!

Lesley

icmethinner; I can relate to everything you have said. I did loose myself, To the point I didnt even know my favorite colors, what do I like to eat, making dinner was based on what my husband liked or my kids liked I enjoyed doing things for them but I forgot me.....if i was out i got home early so my husband wouldnt throw a fit for being left home with the kids.....But now I'am enjoying getting reaquanted with myself. I'am doing things for myself, finding my hobbies what I like to do. Now my kids are grown i can afford to do for me, I enjoyed this thread....
what new things have you discovered about yourself that you had forgotten?
anyone........forgotten dreams?
Michelle

Lesley, you SO do not sound selfish, hon. Just the fact that you'd even say that, says you're not.
Congratulation on the 18 pounds!! When are you going to update your ticker? That's a huge loss!! And 7 miles in the rain!! I think we're about to get your weather. We're going up to... let's see... 9C... 48F today!
Oh... I just noticed... you live in NC. I thought it said NY, and I thought, "yeah, that's about the same as us. We're getting a few really warm days..." You must be FREEZING, you poor southern girl!!

Michelle, I hate to generalize, but we women really give up a lot for a family, don't we? I'm not saying I regret it... I'd do anything for my children. I just want the best for them. I want them to be happy. I guess that "mother gene" just kicks in at childbirth, and we unselfishly put ourselves aside for awhile.
I DO have the best husband. He's very laid-back and stressfree, and I envy him that, but I often think that if I wasn't here, the kids would be off to school in the mornings missing a hat or a boot or some other essential.
We're the worriers. We keep on top of things. Heck, I think we make the world go around!

Forgotten dreams... that's a good question.
For the most part, my old dreams are things of the past. I'm a "new me" now. It's okay that I didn't do everything I wanted to years ago. I really like who I am now, and I've discovered new things about myself. The best is that I have more confidence than I ever thought I'd have. I can stand up in court and defend my clients without TOO much stress.
I guess I am doing something I always wanted to... I've always wanted to write (books), and I started a few years ago. I've always been encouraged by other people to write, and I'm finally acknowledging that I'm okay at it.
And swimming... I always regretted not being able to swim well, and just sort of resigned myself to it. But I've decided to take swimming lessons in the spring!

What about the rest of you?

Eliis, you don't know just how cold - I'm from FLORIDA! My family back home turns on the heat and breaks out the sweaters when it's 70 outside!

I am going to send you a PM about the writing - hope you don't mind - need some advice.

HAVE A HAPPY DAY EVERYONE!!!

Annie, I can sort of relate to the clingy husband thing. I need a LOT of alone time, and my DH likes to do everything together. (I try to be grateful... at least he's not with some other woman having an affair! heh heh)
We both have to do some "giving and taking" time-wise.
Good going with your weight loss!!
And keep writing! If anything, writing is good for our souls.

Lesley, it's all relative, isn't it? In Ottawa right now, it's gone UP to 10C (50F), and baby, it's WARM out!! It's going up to 12C today, and I wouldn't be surprised at all to see people outside in their shirtsleeves.
The snow is melting!!

I too have a clingy must do everything together 24/7, he use to be insanly jealous he is not anymore .....there was a time I couldnt go to the store without a being drilled.......like if i spent to much time browsing the store when I was only getting a pot roast.....what took me so long who talked to me etc......he is also so touchy feely kind of guy......i prefer to be alone and enjoy doing things all by myself. after 23 years of marriage he is learning to give me my own space. He has also found a new love...the computer game WoW (world of warcraft) keeps him very occupied and i dont mind a bit......except I dont get to get on the computer when he is home,, but its ok..

My mother put me on my first diet at age 10 and would constantly call me "lard-***", among quite a few other names that were nowhere near that innocent. You don't want to know, let's just put it that way.

When she was angry at me she'd point out my fatness to other family members or especially in front of my friends, and roar with laughter. Eventually I just stopped having friends over to my house because between that and my stepfather trying to feel me up without regard to who was in the room, it just was rather uncomfortable, let's just say.

I was anorexic for quite a few years because I didn't want to be disgusting. But I was so vulnerable that way. I did eventually start to lose my boobs when I got down to 90-ish and I thought it would get better but actually, it got worse and progressed. I eventually wished it was only grabs (like when I was 11, the innocent days...oh my God).

After I grew up and moved out...I started binge eating instead. I always am torn. I feel disgusting and sickening if I'm over 110. Yet I feel vulnerable and horrible if I'm under 150. Right now I'm 170. I'm pregnant. I had lost 20 lbs. before becoming pregnant and my father-in-law started constantly (and I mean constantly) making sexual "jokes" around me. Even my mother-in-law started noticing it and going, "You can't say that to her. She's your daughter-in-law!" and my FIL would back off just a hair, you know, the way abusers do when they're about to cross a line. But usually people let abusers get "so far" and they LOVE to rub it in the face of their victims. In my case I work for my in-laws (I was forced to...DH had been home with DS, I was working, DH got a job offer and announced that I WOULD stop working the next day or else "his" career would be ruined if he didn't take the job offer...and that I was to work for his parents...only way to work from home, with my DS there). My FIL corners me all the time now when I go over there to work. I dread Fridays. I shake and cry on the way sometimes...I hate it so much...I have tried to tell DH...he doesn't listen...he doesn't care...he just lets it happen...they all let it happen.

I can't say anything because I will then "ruin everything" if I get fired from them, etc. and my FIL is fond of constantly telling stories about all the people he either threatened to kill (I'm not exaggerating) or about how he "knows people" who kill other people and has offered the services to friends regarding their ex-spouses...stuff like that...In between this he corners me in THAT ROOM when I'm there...oh God I hate it...why does he do it...WHY? I'M PREGNANT NOW. Oh for God's sake. Why doesn't it stop now? BUt it doesn't. He kisses me really hard on the lips...I HATE IT. And he tells me all sorts of stuff...about the sex he's had with girls, all kinds of stuff....he's 72 years old!!!!!!!!

When he started that, after I started losing weight, I just gained all over again. I guess I choose being fat and sickening, to being attractive. Because when you're attractive...people can say whatever they want, they can do whatever they want, other people can SEE this but THEY NEVER PROTECT YOU (I HATE YOU, DH)...just to KEEP THE PEACE...YOU'RE the sacrifice to keep the peace.

I was the sacrifice to keep the peace in my household too. By letting my stepfather sexually abuse me I was allowing my mother to stay married to him so she wouldn't have to go out to work. I called the police once. My mother heard and called them right back and laughed into the phone about how her daughter had "problems" an sounded SO convincing b/c when people have decided upon their family scapegoat...they get SO good at lying to other people. Then she hung up the phone for me and told me things would get SO much worse if I EVER did that again. And that I was the cancer of the family and that a cancer must be cut out in order to spare the healthy parts of the body and that if an accident happened to kill me...and there was any suspicion, that any judge in the world would realize what a horrible child I'd been and would acquit her because who on earth could ever stand having a child like me?

And my stepfather stood in the background smiling b/c now he really had his way and it got sooooooooooooo much worse after that. I didn't even know it could get that much worse.

And now...with my father-in-law...it just feels so much the same and I hate it...I hate him...and I HATE MY HUSBAND...HE KNOWS...BUT HE LETS IT HAPPEN...he NEVER protects me...he FORCED me into this position...he KNEW how messed up my FIL is (though I dont' think he knew about the perverted stuff). He KNEW and I hate him.

Did I mention that I hate him...

Well gee. That's so much more than I was originally intending to say!

Bottom line: It's a lot safer to be fat and horrible looking. Please God let my FIL stop it after I really start showing.

Unholy, your post made me so sad. I wish I could give you a big hug, sweetie.
You're in a terribly toxic position, and you need to get out of it. For the sake of yourself, and for the sake of your children.
Is there anywhere that you can go to get some help? Do you have any community/health centres nearby that offer support/therapy? At the very least, you need to let some people (other than your family) know what's going on with you. You're in danger, and so are your children.
Don't let this cycle continue, hon. You deserve better than this.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Unholy, can I echo Ellis here? You are in a terrible place right now..one that I know too much about. You can get yourself out and live a much better life. You deserve a much better life as do your children.

Is there anyone you trust that you could talk to? Police? Priest? Teacher? Anyone in a position of authority who can help you?

Abusers always (in my experience anyway) use threats of violence but they are really cowards. You have to be a coward to do the sort of things they do.

Be safe but please think about getting out.