I have yo-yo'd weight-wise like nobody's business in the 25 years I've been on this planet. I'm constantly trying to muster the will-power required to go whole-hog 100% calorie-counting PERFECTION. And if I can't do perfection... I eat whatever I want. Anything I want. I eat until I feel sick, and I eat until the number on the scale starts a steady and steep climb. And... I hate myself.
During my latest round of self-hatred, I walked down to a local bookstore in search of a specific book I'd read the back of on amazon. I totally related to everything it was talking about.
I searched for a bit, but eventually frustrated by my inability to find it (even though the computer said there was a copy in stock), I gave in and (in embarassment), asked the largest female employee I could find for help finding it. I was shocked... SHOCKED... when she told me it wasn't in the "Diets/Nutrition" section, it was in the "Eating Disorders" section.
The more I read the book, the more I have to accept I have a binge eating disorder.
I very rarely wait until hunger strikes to eat. If there's food nearby, my ability to deny myself is... well. It's damn near impossible. If there's food in front of me... I don't know how to deny myself. There's this unbelievable tension in the air while my self-perception, my concern about how other people perceive me, and the slimmer version of me are all WARRING in my head, screaming different directions. EAT IT, IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! DON'T EAT IT, YOU'RE ALREADY FULL! JUST ONE MORE, IT'S ONLY 300 CALORIES! BUT WHAT WILL MY SKINNY FRIEND HERE THINK OF ME IF I EAT MY FOURTH AND SHE ATE ONE AND A HALF...? I think we all know who wins the most.
I hide my excessive eating from my DH, and try to rationalize all of my poor eating decisions to myself in the moment. I hide wrappers in the bottom of our garbage can, and sometimes will buy food that I'll rapidly eat a bunch of before throwing the package out on the way into my apartment building, so my DH doesn't see it, or know how I'm eating. He'll buy junk food (chips or cheetos) that sits in the cupboard for days and days because he has a normal relationship with food. I can't stand it. I'll give in and binge on it, then hide the wrappers. If he asks, I say I threw them out because they were tempting me.
As I eat, and the food disappears from my plate, I start to mourn it. I always want more. I frequently rehash this show I watched when I was 15 in my head. A tween show, where the main character could control time. He ate a whole pizza... and enjoyed it so much that he went back in time and ate it all over again. I always feel like this when enjoying a meal that's portion-controlled. Like... how do I know I'm done if I don't feel uncomfortable or sick?
If a binge mood hits, I'll make crazy concoctions of butter or cream cheese and icing sugar. Peanut butter and sugar and oats and cocoa. Like crazy unbaked cookies or cakes, and I'll just sit in our apartment shovelling it in my face--- not hungry. Often not even really enjoying it. Sickened.
I don't really know what the next steps are to truly make a change. I don't know how I feel about OA... I don't refer to myself as an aetheist... more agnostic. But I'm a terribly practical person. Possibly to my own detriment. I don't embrace faith or spirituality in any way, and the concept of a higher power seems to be a big one in OA.
Ugh. Lunch hour running out.
Long story short... it's totally time for a change. Acceptance is the first step, right?
Really, this could have been me writing this a few years ago.
You need to find what works for you, but for me, and many of us here, we discovered we were addicted to sugar.
No, I'm not on some fad diet or all weird about a particular diet. I just learned because I COULDN'T eat simple carbs or complex carbs, that I had an addiction to carbs. I lowered them, and then, OMG, I didn't have these binges any more....
Do you binge on meat? Do you binge on broccoli? Probably not - it's probably a combo of high carb and high fat stuff (as sugar tastes so good with fat!!!)
Lower your carbs - find the balance for me and when you eat a carb, pair it with a protein (like an apple with peanut butter) and see what happens.
What I found was that my body was 'high' on sugar. I kept 'high' and my body kept needing a fix. I would eat more sugar and want more sugar.. When I switch to more proteins and stay away from the sugar, all of a sudden, I'm not hopped up on sugar and my binging tendencies disappeared.
BUT... (and this is a HUGE but)... my other trigger with binge eating was lack of sleep. If I'm too tired, especially chronically, I grab sugary foods for what? A quick pick me up. Honest to goodness sugar was my drug of choice. While normally I can now avoid the temptations of my kid's snacks, I can't if I'm sleep deprived - it literally stares me down.
But... those are my food issues. You need to figure out yours. You might be surprised what you find!
I can tooootally relate to everything you two say. For me it was both, sugar addiction and the fact that I ate when i felt frustrated. I lowered my carbs and finally understood which emotion made me eat, and here I am, 22 pounds less later and five months binge free after having been a "heavy" binger for practically 30 years.
It is never too late to change, and it is not impossible.
Yesterday I tood an on-line test on eating habits and according to that web page my relationship with food is now normal. I couldn't freaking believe it!!!
So, don't despair. There is a long road ahead of you, but if you make the decision and take it, it will take you to recovery. Just read about the disorder and try till you find what works for you. Good luck, and welcome!
Can relate totally. Once I get the craving for sugar then if I am not careful that's me on a full blown out binge. No we can't keep biscuits or cakes in a cupboard for days or weeks, the idea of not finishing the pack is absurd, but it is us that are not normal, we have an eating disorder and coming to terms with it, although it may be a very slow process, is the first step on the road to recovery
This post just resonated with me, I have felt that way in the past and your descriptions of binging are so familiar. I really appreciate you sharing this about yourself!
Totally identify with this post. I don't know why my mind lets me believe that I can't have ONE of an item and be satisfied. I have to eat five or six. I would eat until I felt sick. Then, as soon as the sick feeling subsided, I was thinking about what to have next.
I have a feeling I will have to deal with this issue for the rest of my life.
I have been recovering from binge type eating. It seems to be getting better. There is hope, and you don't have to suffer alone. Look how many people have identified with this post! It takes courage to look at yourself and admit something like this. That shows you are heathier and more self-aware already. When I started to own my thoughts and realize my unhealthy relationship with food, I started to get better. Feel better, and know you are not alone.
I've been going through the exact thing as you and it really does get better . It might seem like nothing will ever take away your desire to binge, but you can overcome it, and it's not as complicated as it seems. I haven't had a full-blown binge in about 6 weeks and I can't believe how easy it's been. You don't necessarily have to do spiritual exploration (I haven't done any) or cut out sugar/white flour (although to be fair it has helped me to cut down on them).
Also, in response to berryblondeboys: it might be helpful to look into your possible triggers, but don't give up if that doesn't work. Some people don't need triggers—personally, when I was at the height of my binge eating I wanted to eat any kind of food at any time of day in any situation. And even if you do have specific triggers, you can't go your whole life running from them; you're better off stopping the bingeing urges at the source than locking each and every floodgate.
I don't know if any of this has been helpful, but good luck!
I can easily recognize myself here... trying to teach myself that it's okay not to feel like my stomach is going to burst after a meal is hard... The hiding the food, or buying and eating food where no one can see is the same as me. I still live with my mom, and she is about 10 lbs lighter than me, but she seems to be really normal about food... so she brings home cereal. And my grandparents are living with us now, so we always have to have cakes and cookies in the house... I'm trying to establish my diet while my grandparents aren't here, so that when they come back I won't be so tempted to eat all of the crazy stuff they bring.
I really felt it when you said that there was a tension in the air when you're around food. I feel that tension too... like it's just food, what can a slice or a little piece do? But the issue is that the slice turns into all the slices or all the pieces. Acceptance is indeed the first step. Education may be the second step... learning why you feel tension around food may be a start. Well good luck!
Jelbb- like most of these people, I've been there. I could write this.
I was doing really well on a low carb diet- very little sugar, very few processed carbs. As an addict, these diets always seemed completely impossible and impractical. But I found that my very first day low carb I felt...almost high, SO great. Not tired or sluggish at all, no cravings. I could tell that my body was intolerant of wheat/sugar/gluten.
I too would whip up crazy concoctions and scarf them down. I will hide the pizza and pasta containers from my all-carb binge/lunch today before my fiancé gets home. I eat in secret, order food like a ritual when I get home every day, eat all I can, throw away the rest in an outside garbage can.
I've decided to get back on that low-carb wagon right now.
I am also agnostic and can't buy OA/AA but coming on here helps me when I do it. I've been backsliding recently but no more. This is really bad for my health, binging on carbs and sugar. I don't want type 2 diabetes, and I'm begging for it.
So thats my motivation. I hope you find something that works for you
I know that my doctor uses on site acupuncture therapy to help me curb my hunger pains. Check out his blog on using acupuncture in curb hunger cravings... I have seen others users talk about him in the forums with nothing but nice things to say. Those of you in the Tampa area may want to search him out his name is Dr. Robert Reppy and his office is in Tampa off Linebaugh Ave.. Hope this helps!
Oh. There's a name for what I do.
. It might seem like nothing will ever take away your desire to binge, but you can overcome it, and it's not as complicated as it seems. I haven't had a full-blown binge in about 6 weeks and I can't believe how easy it's been. You don't necessarily have to do spiritual exploration (I haven't done any) or cut out sugar/white flour (although to be fair it has helped me to cut down on them). 
