Well, on Sunday I ate a bit of junk but did much better and felt more in control.
I started a new job on Monday and was so busy and excited I had no problem staying on plan and felt so proud about it.
On Tuesday my new bosses brought in pizza, ugh. I brought my little homemade TV dinner of leftovers to eat on my supper break but I still caved and ate 3 pieces of pizza over the course of the evening. The pizza was cold and didn't even taste good but I ate it anyway. I wasn't feeling so confident after that
Yesterday (Wednesday) was my first day off for the week and I had a ton of errands/chores to get through. My day started off great but ended in disaster.
I started TOM on Sunday and am still in the worst of it. Yesterday I woke up, made a nice breakfast of a small bowl of oatmeal and poached eggs on the side. I walked almost 2 miles to the gym and lifted weights, felt good. In the afternoon I walked to a small nearby shop and bought a bag of sugar free candy.
I believe this was part of the trigger point, along with the remaining guilt from the pizza the night before. Walked to the grocery store later and impulsively bought some diet 100 cal muffins that were half off. I also bought a pack of chocolate eggs half off. Very bad idea. I was excited to try the new muffins and had calories to spare for a snack so I ate one on the way home. I ate another almost immediately after, without much thought. Felt guilty about it. When I got home I ate a THIRD muffin and a chocolate egg immediately after it.
I was beginning to get angry with myself by this point and struggled with thoughts of fighting it vs giving up. The decision to give up on the day was winning, sadly.
By evening, I was feeling fatigue from the gym and adjusting to a new job where I'm on my feet for 8 hours straight. My boyfriend and I went on a grocery trip to hit up some sales at a different store. I managed to walk past all the clearance Easter candy while I was with him. We bought healthy food and had a great dinner.
After dinner I was sorting through a box of Easter goodies my mother sent and pulled out a box of granola bars, opened it, and ate one without even thinking. A few minutes later I went back into the box and opened a small bag of yogurt-covered cherries and ate a few. I put them away and tried to tell myself no but ended up finishing them about 10 minutes later, while I was distracted on the computer. After that I ate a few nut clusters from a small bag she sent. Finished that bag about an hour later, too.
I went into the kitchen and ate a spoonful of peanut butter. Went to bed at normal time but couldn't sleep so I got up and ate two 90 cal packs of cookies with a glass of milk, then fixed myself a bowl of cereal. Fixed my breakfast for today and had nips of everything the whole way.
I came back and shamefully logged everything I ate on my calorie tracking website. 2200 excess calories for the day. On top of that, my stomach and head hurt so much I couldn't sleep. I'm going in for an 8 hour shift of climbing ladders, folding clothes, carrying boxes, and being on my feet... on about 2 hours of sleep, with a bloated belly and cloudy mind. I'm trying very hard not to have a complete meltdown but it's a struggle.
I feel so utterly frustrated, defeated, discouraged, disgusted, and angry with myself. Why did all the mistakes yesterday happen? Even though I know it's terrible, why do I keep eating for comfort?
My taste buds feel burnt out again and my tongue hurts. I ate my breakfast this morning but feel nauseated. I really want this to stop, as it's very rapidly turning into the beginnings of depression and self-defeating habits.
Sorry for yet another long rant, I just had to get it all out somewhere. I haven't told my boyfriend (or anyone) yet about this binge.
Emotional Eating
