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Old 03-26-2012, 07:45 AM   #1
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Default First secret binge...does anyone hide their binges?

Hi all. For anyone that doesn't know, I've been trying to recover from a starve/ binge ED for a little over a year, but I've been doing this for about 15 years. I'm making progress. Occasionally I still restrict, eating like 1000 cals in a day which is a huge improvement, since it used to eat like 400 cals a day when restricting. And occasionally I still binge, which I felt was improving, because I used to binge for days, even weeks, stuffing myself with food until I felt ill. Now I seem to be able to get back on track after one night of binging.

One thing I never did was hide my binge. My husband knows I have this problem, and even if he wasn't home I never felt hte need to hide the evidence, or if he was home I never felt the need to sneek. Mostly because he binges as well. He doesn't restrict though and has always been accepting of my binges but critical of my restricting.

Resently he has decided to take hold of his binging. And he's doing really well! But if I were to binge, he follows my example. SO I am responsible for the both of us. He in no way tries to help stop a binge, once I give the green light (by saying I would like a treat, which nearly always turns into way too much food, he's on board) Its like he's go no strength to say no, he just does what I do...

So last night he was working until 9pm. I had the urge to binge all day, TOM is coming, and I get like this every month. I did good staying on plan, until the evening. I had some extra cashews, a glass of wine, and a single serving of half hte fat ice cream. I had only went over my calories but like 300 since I weighed/ measured all of it. The I realized it was like 8:45 and he would be off in 15 mins and home like 15 minutes after that. And for the first time ever a panock set in. Not only could I not binge in front of him, but I couldnt let him know I over ate. I started to panick that whatever craving I didn't satisfy now, I couldn't have tonight once he got home.

I ended up eating over 1000 cals extra, and hid the evidence.... It was an aweful feeling that I had never experienced. WHen he got home I was stuffed. He said he was hungry and that he would ahve a bowl of cereal. A good choice, instead of binging, he was making the effort to eat responsibly, eat a controled serving of cereal...and I had a bowl too. And it appeared as though we both did well that day with our eating, only I didnt and he doesnt know.

I'm worried this is going to lead to binges on days he works...Like he's working today, but is off the next three days after today. I'm concerned I will binge only because I feel the need to be perfect the next three days after today. This is a new behavoir for me and I cant imagine it helps in the recovery of my ED...I'm afraid it will make it worse, cause a relapse , add an extra behavoir I will need to now work on resolving.

Sorry so long. Thanks for reading whoever read the whole thing.

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Old 03-26-2012, 08:04 AM   #2
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Maybe you did not hide the binges because you DH binged too, and now that he doesn't you don't want to do any less. Forgive yourself and move on. Keep yourself busy when alone, and try to eat to get healthy, not to calm down, kill the boredom or reward/punish yourself. Once food starts playing in your life the role of food things will get in place. Get passionate about a hobby, a charity, something other than food or weight loss, and your life will be fantastic!
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Old 03-26-2012, 08:05 AM   #3
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i have only had secret binges. everyone thinks I eat so little

I listened to my gut and it said "You could do with less of me."
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:09 AM   #4
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Same here.....My binges have ALWAYS been secret.

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Old 03-26-2012, 01:04 PM   #5
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I always hid my binges too. Always. It made me feel disgusting and I didn't want people to know how I acted and how much I ate, it was embarassing so I feel you.

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Old 03-27-2012, 09:44 AM   #6
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I've never felt the need to hide my binges, I do feel guilty, but most of the time I feel like I've disappointed myself more than anyone else. So I "punish" myself by working out more or eating a bit less the next day. I don't hide it because if I share it, it takes a bit of the guilt away. I just call my best friend and confess it all, she always encourages me, tells me it's natural to indulge from time to time and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
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Old 03-27-2012, 10:17 AM   #7
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I almost always binge in secret also. I, too, get stressed out/excited when I know I'm going to be alone and "get" to binge (gee, what a privilege -_-) If you feel comfortable with it, maybe you can ask a friend/relative if you could use him/her as a "panic button" - someone you can call before you feel the binge coming on, to help calm you down?

It also really helps me to get out of the house and in the open air as much as possible. Good luck! Let us know what (if anything) works for you, cause I'm in the same boat!
God creates out of nothing. Wonderful, you say. Yes, to be sure, but he does what is still more wonderful: he makes saints out of sinners. --Kierkegaard

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Old 03-27-2012, 01:12 PM   #8
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I've only ever binged in secret, or under the guise of "having fun" socially.

It sounds like your DH's relationship with food and relationship with you is very messed up too - you shouldn't have to feel responsible or like you are an enabler, and he shouldn't be so dependent on you for eating cues. Have you ever considered the possibility of going to OA or a counselor or talking about your issues with a friend who understands?

jewcy's "panic button" idea is a good one too!
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Old 03-27-2012, 03:30 PM   #9
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Thanks for the replies. I think binging in secret really add a new demention to it. Like a frenzy that wasn't there before...to hurry up and eat, I guess is the best way to put it. It actually is creating a situation where I'm eating more than I would, because before there was no sense of all NOW or nothing later.
Natash22, I used to do the same thing, restricting or over exercising the day after a binge, but I'm in the process of recovering from all my disordered eating, which includes starving, binging and excessive exercise. Of course, I still do all three, but less and less.

I need to talk to my husband, feeling responsible for both our binges is too much pressure.

Jewcy, I don't have anyone else that knows about this. I keep it completely hidden. I don't want to tell anyone. Most of my life, I've been heavy (I only got really big after my pregnancies and lost it promptly). My starving/ exercising usually keeps me looking about average size, sometimes with a few extra pounds. In other words, I think because I'm not morbidly obese, people that are close to me think my weight problems are from a little too much at meal time, rather than the result of binge eating "balanced out" with starving and exercising. My dad has actually made fun of my aunt to me about her binge eating. She is obese. He talks about how uncontrolled and gross she is. And here I am listening to this and having the same problem.

Krampus! How've you been? I haven't seen you on here in a while. I see you are back in the states. Hope all is well.

Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 03-27-2012 at 03:33 PM.
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Old 03-27-2012, 04:10 PM   #10
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Oh yeah, I hid my binges completely. My DH was shocked, mouth agape (literally) when I made the decision to share with him my secret eating. I have never gone into the full extent of it with him, but he knows some of my past and I tell him about my binges now...about 90% of the time.
The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender.
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