When I'm bingeing, there's nothing in my brain. It's totally empty, which might be why I binge. Cause, normally, I'm ALWAYS thinking. Can't turn the damn thing off. Bingeing brings silence. Peace.
I think how I won't ever be good enough anyway so I might as well be fat. It's depressing but thats just how I feel. I try so hard and my results are mediocre at best. Some people just have it all, they look good, are healthy, have succesful careers and don't even have to try all that hard. I think about how unfair that is. And than I eat.
And when I realize how much worse that makes me feel it's too late.
It's stupid really.
When I'm bingeing, there's nothing in my brain. It's totally empty, which might be why I binge. Cause, normally, I'm ALWAYS thinking. Can't turn the damn thing off. Bingeing brings silence. Peace.
Until it's over...Then comes regret and shame.
Kwyjibo, EXACTLY!!! I don't have any thoughts when I binge; it's almost like a trance. When I "come to", I just feel sick about what I did.
Last edited by Just Tabitha; 05-18-2011 at 01:51 PM.
Reason: to quote kwyjibo
I feel really guilty and feel sick to my tummy because I have a goal for summertime and summertime is right around the frickin corner. I'm only setting myself back...not sure why I think I can just crash at the movie theater on Saturday nights. That's a very bad habit of mine and I'm thinking I should just take a big bunch of grapes and strawberries in there with me instead of eating out of Hubby's stash of curly fries and cheese nachos and his large popcorn...sigh.
I feel ashamed. My mind races. I am always thinking that I can't wait to get through my first plate and then my family goes off to do other things so I can "clean" the kitchen. I have always hidden while eating because of being ashamed of how much I am eating. I am of course thinking of how great this tastes and oh can't let this go to waste and if I just put it in the fridge it will go to waste...I should just take care of this now. I have been like this since I was a little girl and I haven't figured out just what caused me to start doing it, other than a not so great family life. It has just been so ingrained in me that even at almost 30 I am still "hiding" from what I have no clue lol. But it certainly helps talking about it. It truly does.
I go through many thoughts. When the binge starts it's you can handle just one more bite, then it's $h*t this is a binge, I wonder how bad it's going to be, then well it's a bad binge, might as well ride it out, finally why so you do this?????why??? You know this going to make you gain ALL the weight back, why can't you stop, why can't you just overeat occassionally like a "normal" person, what's WRONG with you, what emotion are you trying to smoother? And then it's over and I either feel physically sick or just numb, the later always being the goal.
When I would binge, I would think about nothing. Sometimes, I wouldn't even realize it started and I would look down and there would be candy wrappers and bags of chips around me. Then, when I realized what I was doing I would think about how good the food tasted and how good it made me feel at that moment. I didn't care about anything else except for what I could eat next.
I would feel the shame and regret creep up when I started to feel full. Then I would think "Why did I do this to myself? I am probably the ONLY person who does this, this is so gross. I have totally sabotaged my weight loss efforts." Then I would end the session with a giant bowl of cereal + milk.
I would start all over the next day. Not eat much during the day and totally binge at night when I got home from work. I always thought the next day would be the day that I could "control" it, but it never was.
I don't think I think too much too... just sort of numb out...and I eat it really fast too, no real enjoyment then feel like crap afterwords...insanity.
"Why does this feel so good?--Nothing else has felt this good today."
"I hate dieting, it's so unfair--why can't I just be thin like I used to be? Darn those skinny people."
and here's the most deceptive and weird one:
"Thank goodness this food is going to be gone soon, so I can stop eating it. Just one more slice and there won't be any left to eat--so I won't be tempted to binge on it any more. Then I will be able to lose weight, because there won't be any food left." ---uh, yeah...that's logical and productive! Lol.
I usually only binge on one food--and eat it until it's completely gone or I am so full I feel like puking. I usually won't move on to other foods because for some reason, the binge food is the only thing that I must have at that moment--everything else in the world seems unappetizing.
However, if I am craving something, and I eat something with it to fill me up, or take portions of some other food instead of what I really want, then I will just eat extra because I will eat all the other food, but will not be able to stop until I eat all of the craving food too.
I used to be bulimic, so I probably learned some of my binging habits from that. Plus, I tend to binge on foods that were very rare as a kid, like Pizza and home cooking (my mom wasn't much of a cook if you don't count frozen pot pies.)
