I think I have a Problem...
I'm 24 years old and I've always struggled with my weight. My mom has been weight conscious since before I was born, even when she looked "anorexic" skinny she thought she was fat. It's sad to say that I know that is why I am the way I am. As a teenager I used to binge and purge. I know it goes deeper then just weight, I know it means that I felt a loss of control, and I did. Every time I've made myself throw up I was stressed about something, and eventually my body just did it on its own, I didn't even have to stick my fingers down my throat anymore. It wasn't until my mom caught me and threatened to have me locked up in a hospital somewhere that I finally stopped purging. When I first signed up for this site, I had just had my daughter and needed to lose weight more than I have ever needed to before. I hadn't purged in 3 years and I did I lost 50lbs the right way. Then I gained 10 of it back because I left my daughter's dad and well it seems food was my comfort. At the beginning of this year I was at 165 and I wanted to lose that 15lbs so bad, well, I fell in love with a marine who ended up getting shipped off to Afghan and food seemed to be my comfort while he was gone so I gained 10lbs. While he was gone I realized that he had problems and I met someone who was determined to make me fall in love with him instead, and well, I did. Then came 6 more lbs! I've had one emotional year and lets say that is exactly what it took for me to realize I'm still a binger when life gets emotional - this is why I haven't lost weight in 2 years. I'll do so good on a diet and then bam! I ruin it, sometimes I wonder if I am subconsciously destroying myself. So here I am pouring myself out on this site because I don't know how to talk to the people in my life about it. They all know I have been trying to lose weight and am frustrated I haven't in two years, but they don't know that I know why that is. I feel like I have no control, I want to make myself purge again but then I look at my daughter and I don't. It doesn't help that a ton of pretty, skinny, fit girls want my boyfriend and actually think they have a chance because I'm "fat." I'm not worried for a second that he would take on their offers, he has proven his devotion and love for me and actually thinks I'm the most beautiful thing that has walked the earth... but it's me that is the problem. I'm not good enough for me, I want my confidence and self-worth back.
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