Chicks in Control Overeating? Binging? Share uplifting support and gain control!

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Old 02-05-2010, 03:44 PM   #1  
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I can't stop binging. Eating seems to equal binging to me now. It's 3:30, and I woke up at 11, and in that time I've eaten a cheeseburger and fries, the other half of my pint of "everything but the..." Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a bowl of Captain Crunch and the leftover Chinese food from yesterday, when I got a to-go plate from a chinese buffet because I wanted 'a little of everything' and piled it so full I could barely shut it. I don't even remember what I ate yesterday, except that it included the beginnings of the left overs I ate today, and a quesadilla, and a lot more.
Last year I have several really good runs where I was controlling my eating and losing weight and I felt like I'd never be here again, never gain it back, didn't even want it. I was totally over this binge-til-you're-sick cycle. But somehow here I am again, OVER 200 pounds, which is somewhere I never thought I'd be. I've never weighed this much in my life, and I've just packed 10 of it on recently. I got a Wii and a Wii Fit for Christmas, and I love doing it, but I haven't been on it in over two weeks because I don't want to have to go through the body test and get weighed.
I'm addicted to fast food in particular. In the span of a day, fast food bags from all different places will pile up in the passenger seat floorboard of my car. I go to class in the morning and don't eat breakfast before I leave the house so by the time class is over I'm obsessing about where to stop and what to get. I think about doughnuts and fried chicken and pizza. Sometimes I go and eat in sit-down restaurants alone, which I used to say I'd never do, because I'm craving chips and queso SO bad and all of my friends are busy. And while I'm sitting there I'll order enchiladas or tacos and drink 4 sweet teas.
I'm constantly thinking about the next food I want to eat. I spend at least half of my paycheck from my part-time job on food. I have to eat after morning class and then before and after evening class, and if I go home between the two I'll snack while I'm there. Then once I get home for the evening, I'll sit around and eat and play mario on the wii instead of turning on the balance board and doing yoga or at least doing my homework like I should be. I can't seem to focus on anything and I wonder around in this sort of haze where I can't even remember all the food I eat in a day. I've tried keeping food journals of every bite I take but even when I carry it with me everywhere, I can only stick to recording in it dutifully for a week before it gets forgotten, buried in the floorboard under all the McDonalds and Taco Bell bags.
I can't control myself: it's like there's this small child inside of me that is constantly throwing a temper tantrum to have her way, and her way includes loads of crap food while doing inanimate activities and ignoring my daily responsibilities. I've been struggling against this constantly for years and I've just begun to wonder whether I do have a serious food disorder. I don't consciously eat emotionally, though I'm very emotional about food, such as going to the restaurant I want to go to because I'm craving one specific thing and have to have it, or getting totally upset because my food is poorly prepared and not being able to eat it, which will later be compensated with a late-night binge because 'i didn't eat dinner.'
I know this is kind of a long crazy rant and I haven't posted on here in a long time, but as I got on today to look for strength and a little wisdom, the more I read the more I wanted to go down the road to McDonalds and get a Big and Tasty with cheese and some fries and a REAL soda....
I would have posted something this personal in my blog but 3FC apparently isn't allowing me in right now, and I may have to just make a whole new one. But really, I just wanted to kind of scream this out into the digital universe hoping someone understands and has some help for me. I'm totally out of control. I can make a firm pact with myself to totally change my ways, and then I have to do the 'last supper' deal where I gorge myself because 'I'm starting over tomorrow' and then by the end of my classes the next day I just can't bear the thought of skipping fast food for a salad at home. So I eat. and I eat. And I just don't know how to stop it.
Thanks for reading.
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Old 02-05-2010, 04:33 PM   #2  
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Sounds like you might start looking into food addiction. I started reading about it and I felt that I was addicted- I'd eat to eat- it gave me pleasure, made me feel better, and so on. I'd binge till I was in pain from too much food.

I read "conquering your food addiction" and a few other books on food addiction and I learned so much (I didn't follow any diet plans in them if there were any)- they may help you. It really helped me with the psychological aspect of why I eat. I still battle with it- but now I'm so much more aware of doing it.
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Old 02-05-2010, 04:50 PM   #3  
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I understand. I wish I could say I have help, but all I can say is that I understand. And that if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I can relate to a lot of the things you said. I was there. Sometimes I still am. I don't think it's ever something you "get over" completely. Now, I've replaced my unhealthy preoccupation with food and the consumption of it with the rather obsessive preoccupation with NOT eating too much, calories and restriction. I've wasted untold amounts of money on junk food that served no purpose but to make me fat. It makes me sad when I look bad on those really down, out of control points in my life: eating family orders of chinese in front of the TV on a Saturday night when I could have gone out, sleeping in my car instead of going to school and then waking up just in time to go eat, the day I hit up the same Wendy's three seperate times...

It's a disorder. It can really destroy your life and there is a sense of hopelessness. Food is everywhere...it's torture to be surrounded by the one thing that you can't seem to get enough of and is yet ruining your life. We're like alcholics living in the liquor store. Food is so accessible and so easy...it's instant, it's pleasure, it's comfort.

I just want you to know that you're not alone. And that I have faith in your that you can recover from this, develop healthier habits. One thing that might help is to take it easy on yourself: no negative self talk, no torturing yourself over every little thing or letting yourself get too down over the mistakes you've made. It's a process. And part of the process is forgiveness. And understanding that it takes time and baby steps.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're struggling. A little at a time...
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Old 02-05-2010, 05:19 PM   #4  
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I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for in this post. I don't know if it's to get it out and have people say they understand and have been there... Or if it's to say out loud what you're going through to have people conjecture something to try and help. If you're looking for the prior, please disreagard my post.
It sounds to me like you're trying to run away from things (school, home, etc). In running, the only place you're finding the comfort you want is in fast food. I'm not sure why that's something you've chosen to replace these other things, but the fact is that you have the power to change it. If you've lost weight before, you know what you NEED to do to get past this speed bump. It might seem like a HUGE thing right now and more like a roadblock, but I can assure you it's a speed bump. There are a lot of things that we all need to sort out in our lives and you're the only one who would know what it is that needs sorting in your own. It also sounds like you're giving food power over everything about you, your thoughts, your mood, your time. I can tell you, it's not worth it. And now that I've said that it seems silly... because you already know that. You need to figure out why you're replacing everything with food and once you do, you'll have a path set before you where you can choose to control it or let it control you. I sure hope you get to do some thinking on this... I KNOW you can get past it, you just have to convince yourself you can.

"Believe in yourself enough to believe that you have an equal right to being healthy." You are worth it.

Last edited by stargzr; 02-05-2010 at 05:20 PM.
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Old 02-05-2010, 11:32 PM   #5  
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With very few changes, I could have just as easily written this post. This is MY story. And what Stargzr said rings true for me, too. I run to food when I procrastinate, that's really what it boils down to. I don't want to do homework? Food. I don't want to clean? Food. I don't want to .... Food. I now catch myself nearly all the time (doesn't mean I stop myself, lol, but I understand what I'm doing) when I go to eat something when I'm trying not to do something else. It's been such a hard and strange struggle, because I love eating healthy... I love exercise and fitness.... But I absolutely love eating. I love junk food (and healthy food too, often in large quantities). So after I've binged, I always say, "I'll start over again tomorrow... I'll fast for x days... etc etc" and I almost always eat the next day. I decide to start over, just eat healthy (or follow some diet or whatever) and I blow it that night usually. My most successful times have been where I've really come up with a plan of action, and a set number of calories to eat AND burn off. This time, I've been a lot more successful. Since December 27th of last year, I've come close to binging twice. Both times, I ate about 1000 calories. This is a huge improvement over the 1000's of calories I'd eat in one go. But I'm also forcing myself to forgive myself. The next day, I'll try to eat a few hundred less calories or exercise a few hundred more off, but I'm not changing my overall plan. I know it's something I've got to keep working at, and I'll screw up sometimes, but I have to get right back on plan. It works for me, maybe the exact thing won't work for you, but it's worth a shot. At any rate, you've got to forgive yourself and try to figure out how to not binge. For me, it means getting a huge glass of Crystal Light, sitting down with my books, and forcing myself to read. It's hard at first, but it gets easier.

And if you ever want to talk more one-on-one about what we're going through, you can always PM me! I'm a student, a binger, a food addict, a part-time worker, many of the same things you are... You don't have to go through it alone. =)
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Old 02-07-2010, 01:59 PM   #6  
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My heart truly goes out to you. I have done exactly what you are doing... And it made me so sick (physically and emotionally)

I think the first step here is to forgive yourself... We are all human.
Second step, I think, is to TRULY decide that you can't continue this. That is what I had to do. It is hurting you so much, physically and emotionally. I had to do some soul searching and I TRULY decided to stop.

Take it one meal at a time. Try to eat in ways that don't make you feel ashamed, I think that would be a good start. Eat a good breakfast. Eat a good lunch. Eat a good dinner. A small snack or two in between. Eat rationally. Look at what you are eating, before you eat it, and think "Is this normal? would a normal person eat this amount?" And then go for it... Once you establish a little more control, and set the rules for yourself (no bingeing, no drive-thrus if you can handle it) you will feel words better.
**Hugs** I hope this was at least sort of helpful. Let us know how it goes!!!
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Old 02-07-2010, 02:59 PM   #7  
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I feel the EXACT same way! this is exactly what im doing right now!!!
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Old 02-07-2010, 06:08 PM   #8  
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i understand...i've been there... i am scared to death of going back there... i am here to listen if you want... you should be proud of yourself for posting and letting yourself be vulnerable...
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Old 02-08-2010, 07:16 AM   #9  
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You asked, "What do I do?" As they say in AA, or NA or OA - or any group that supports people through getting over addictions - take it one day at a time. I think that should really be amended to one urge at a time when it comes to binge eating. If you are thinking of binge-ing, try asking yourself, "Would I want someone to see me eating like this?" Sometimes that works for me.
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Old 02-08-2010, 12:05 PM   #10  
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The only thing that worked for my husband and me was to clean out our entire house of every piece of food. We then went to the store and bought a bunch of Healthy Choice, Lean Cuisine and Smart One dinners, stuff to make salads with and cottage cheese. The only place we ate out was Subway. Whatever that's supposed to be in our brain that tells us to stop, is obviously not there. By having nothing in the house except the above, it took the decision of when to stop eating away from us. When the last bite is gone, that is it. It might not be the healthiest way to eat, but it sure beats all of the overeating and bingeing that we were doing. For some reason, I'm able to stop with a salad and a dinner, I don't know why and I'm not questioning it, I'm just thankful.
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Old 02-09-2010, 10:15 AM   #11  
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I tend to eat large quantities of food in order to procrastinate as well. For me, the cycle is: feeling useless, grabbing a lot of food, feeling more useless, thinking "well I know there's something I CAN do well. It's eating more than anyone I know!", grabbing some more food, feeling useless.

It tends to go with times I feel overwhelmed and inadequate for the "challenge" of life, or whatever is expected of me. Conversely, at times when I feel like I am doing things I enjoy, and I can accomplish what I am setting out to accomplish, the binging seems much farther away, and less of something I want to engage in.

As for not exercising because of body shame, I feel you! I do that too, or I start doing something active then think about how I must look, feel my flesh jiggling, and become emotionally overwhelmed and unable to continue. It takes a few days, a few weeks, however long of sort of a struggle.

Someone once told me that women with binge (or binge/purge) disorders tend to stuff their feelings down. It seems like not wanting to pay attention to what you're doing leads to a very real and very effective escape from emotions you may not want to experience. Unfortunately, they won't go away, even if you stopped binging forever. The emotions would still be there, the work you don't want to do would still be there, you would still be in your body (which, no matter how much we can perfect, we will always magically find an overwhelming flaw if we are looking for it) and in your life. You would still be you.
That seems negative, but I think it's very important and can be a reassuring thing. It's hard, but there is a reason you are partaking in this behavior, so it's doing something good for you. I would suggest that there are other things which sometimes make you feel the way you want binging to make you feel, and maybe sometimes do those instead.
I would also suggest that you are worth the world, and you are worth the effort for as long as it takes to feel better about yourself (even if it takes forever), and you are worth way too much to give up. But it's okay to coddle yourself and feel childish sometimes, and it's not okay to constantly tell yourself that you are bad, or that you are not worth it, or that you can't do it (because those things are lies, and they hurt).

This was rambly. I would like to be more organized with it, but I will have to wait, cuz now I'm late for class! But have a lovely day, please do one thing nice for yourself if you can think of something little you really want.
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Old 02-09-2010, 10:48 AM   #12  
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I could eat a fast food cheeseburger and french fries and literally be hungrier after I finish the meal, than before I started.

That is the thing with fast food- there are SO many addictive, yet cheap additives that make you NEED it more and more. But, it never really satiates you, you are simply left feeling hungrier and needing more. Its the fast food industry.

My advice is: don't give the fast food industry any more money. You don't need it, it is making you unhealthy and sad.

If you need more of a reason why to stay away from fast food: they seem to always treat their workers unethically and they get their cheap beef and other "products" from farmers who also don't give a hoot and are destroying the environment.

You are well-educated. Stop eating the fast food for your happiness and for the happiness of others.
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Old 02-09-2010, 04:55 PM   #13  
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As a college student I was right there with all your behaviors. It was literally an uncontrollable compulsion and I truly believe there is a physical addiction element. I would nod off in classes because I was in a sugar coma. I also would starve myself in a misguided attempt to get "skinny" fast, and then within 24 hours or less "fall off the wagon" and binge. It took a long time for me to recover in part because I never admitted what I was doing and never asked for help. Shame is part of this. On a physical level, getting away from the garbage will help your cravings. On an emotional level, you would benefit from talking to someone. If your school has a health center, you may be able to start there. Check in here. You will read all kinds of wonderful stories about women who beat the crazy cycle. It is really hard and I wish you well. Ultimately, for me, it was OA, really healthy eating without over limiting myself, and EXCERCISE. That last one really helps the mental depressed state we can get into. There are lots of groups that help people work up to doing a 5K- it is a great feeling to get a high from accomplishment instead of the false high from food.
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