It's good to be back posting on the laptop. The phone is so darned small, it makes my mind feel too constricted to compose a sentence, lol. Today is the last day before vacation. I have not been eating well. I know why, it is emotional, and feeling swamped with tasks. Emotional eating for me is a need to feel full. Unfortunately, doing that at my age leaves me too sluggish to get things done, so I procrastinate. I am also feeling a lot of resentment to my siblings. Resentment is a draining emotion--I will work on letting go of it. it's definitely contributing to my unhealthy eating pattern.

Today I ate a large breakfast at the hot food bar. They make thin omelets with a little cheese and vegs. I added a small potato pancake and 1/4 slice of French toast. That was a decent breakfast. My emotions sent me back for 2 slices of pizza. They are fairly small, and one was gluten-free--my rationale for trying it. I threw away the crust. The other was meant to also have the crust discarded, but I ate it.

To salvage the day, I am drinking a lot of water and will have a salad for dinner, maybe a shake. That would keep the calories within reason for the day.

EDIT Well, I didn't stick to my plan. Still seeking food for comfort, in a big way, but glad I'm avoiding sugar, and mostly flour.

Friday
I'm making progress. Cutting out sugar and flour are helping me get my mojo back without triggering rebellion. I've caught myself starting to rationalize and fall off the wagon, but have so far held to my goal. I'm eating out almost every meal while working on emptying my mother's house. Breakfast of omelet and hash browns at Denny's, lunch at a wonderful organic fresh Mex eatery called Aqui. There's a WF salad bar nearby, but it's situated right by the bakery Maybe a microwave dinner from the supermarket. Maybe skip dinner tonight. I love this feeling of camping out. It's in synch with the displaced feeling that comes from selling the home of my teen years, and leaving the work force. Retirement will be soooo much more enjoyable in a healthy body that moves easily.

Last night's dinner by WF, steamed summer squash/zucchini with basil and a ton of garlic, a small piece of teriyaki chicken--sugared no doubt but the other chicken looked dried out; salad with crunchy vegs, and some Feta, evoo, balsamic. It was satisfying and I'm pleased with myself for the several times I steered away from the tempting flour/sugar things. My mother's house is perfectly functional for bringing in groceries, but I just don't feel like it. And that is not a bad thing since it is keeping me from between-meal eating.

Sat
Dennys again; the regular guy at the counter waved and the server remembered my order. Nice friendly start to the day. Dinner will be with some friends who live nearby. They are bringing in food from a fantastic Singaporan restaurant and we'll eat in their back yard with their 6 yr old. Looking forward to some social stuff. Last night I called an old friend from nursing school days and it was good to catch up.

Sun
Denny's was satisfying. I'm an early riser and it is delightful to have somewhere to go in the am. Yesterday, the real estate agent, the POD delivery truck, and relatives wanting to remove their things (and not helping remove all the rest) all happened simultaneously. Bro on the phone wanting details, while he is having fun and not up here to help. Feelings of abandonment, resentment, disappointment came up, and are still lingering.

A wonderfully bright part of the day was dinner at friends who just happened to buy a house nearby. We enjoyed a warm summer evening on their patio and played a card game with the little guy. Lots of fun, and the food was fabulous. Although I had seconds, I kept my portions small.

That was the good and the bad. The ugly: going to buy fruit to bring, and sidelining right over to the bakery. I had a sample of Danish and then decided I needed a full on pastry--sugar and flour. I was feeling sorry for myself, and had a list of other reasons why it was a good idea...'I'll eat less at my friends' house if I have this now" The stores all put the bakery right in your face as you walk in. I need to prepare myself mentally for this onslaught.

Today the hired POD loaders are coming. Once that is done, I will feel a major easing of the anxiety I now feel. I am intent maintaining a clear head today. That means eating healthy(ish) food in reasonable portions is really important, and staying well-hydrated too.

EDIT Visited the cemetery and enjoyed the birds there. Told bro I am tapped out and he was supportive, admitted he can't bear to travel here to deal with the house emptying. This too shall pass...

Sunday contd
The POD loaders showed up and knew what to do, were professional and fast, worked in 90-something degree heat. They dealt with all the heavy-fragile-oversized-did-I-say-fragile items. My heart feels so much easier.

There is a nesting mourning Dove right outside the front door. The eggs are due to hatch any day now. The dove was frightened and flew into the house and began banging on the rear glass door. The guys told me this--I didn't see it. They said they let it out. I hope hope hope it did not injure it's head banging into the window. It's hot enough that the eggs should be okay for a while, and the mom will return this evening. I feel a little creeped out by this. When my Dad died, we kept seeing a hawk flying overhead and decided that was Dad, or his spirit. I'm basically a Western, left-brained, show me the evidence kind of person. But I have been wondering whether my mother's spirit is in the house still and if all the moving and packing up was unsettling to her on her journey. Shortly after her death, these 2 Mourning Doves were brooding in this nest and they fledged 2 youngsters. Now, this happened.

Back to food....lunch of shredded cabbage with 1000 isl dressing, rotisserie chicken, cashews.

EDIT All is well, the dove came back to the nest. I have eaten dinner--a little more than needed. 2 protein bars, crunchy broccoli salad (after picking out the sugary raisins) chicken, mayo.

Today is going well after 2 days of wandering that ended with sweets. The culprit in this episode...I got tired of eating in restaurants & bought frozen dinners--low cal but with bread. Predictably, they were unsatisfying, and eating flour begets more of same.

The Mourning Dove situation is such that I am going to guard the nest while real estate agents--who admittedly are trying to do a job, deploy painters, power washers, and pruners--just to make sure they don't violate state & federal laws about interfering with active migratory bird nests. It took a lot of calling and emailing to get to this point. Once I decided not to pretend it would be ok to frighten the parents off the nest of bald chicks, I stopped overeating. I am returning to my mother's house that is now almost empty. I'm not very committed to eliminating food-as-comfort just yet, so will just do the best that I can. There are so many good options to what I've been eating.

Today I had coffee and protein shake for breakfast, a big omelet with grilled onion, cheese, salsa for lunch, and a big salad with chicken breast, evoo, for early dinner. Snacks were Fuji apple, protein cookies, medifast 'garlic mashed potatoes'

EDIT So far I have not eaten anything else--riding the wave of a house devoid of food! The painters came a day earlier than scheduled & were finishing when I arrived. Fortunately he was extremely careful and kept his crew far away from the nest, told me I could not enter the front door where the bird was. He said the parent never left. Tomorrow is more work, different workers. The birds have been tolerant of foot traffic and conversation. If the pruning is done by hand, we should get through it ok. It sure kept me from paying much attention to the gigantic 'coming soon' sign in the front of the house.

Thursday
Coffee, protein shake
really big lunch of WF salad with chicken, almonds, HB egg, beets, etc evoo
also Brussels sprouts-greasy.
dinner from the store, pakoras. I love this comfort food. A little bit of breading, so technically not OP.

paying attention to fluid, better than lately.

Friday
I woke up feeling bright and clear, the immediate reward for eating healthier, little by little. Today started with protein shake and coffee & then a salad for lunch. The salad was lighter than yesterday. Just assorted vegs, meat from 2 chicken thighs WF hot bar, evoo coco amino dsg. It felt good to be in my own place making lunch. Ironically, this would be my typical work breakfast and lunch, and I'm using my work thermal lunch bag.

Busy day with contractors and getting furniture to people who wanted it. Dove looked a little wary as a large dresser was hauled out. About 30 min later, I saw him flying away from the house and mama dove was on the nest.

Dinner was delayed to the point that I lost my appetite. That's a new one for me. At 930, I had frozen vegggie in a low cal sauce and cauli tater tots, some rotisserie chicken. Upping fluids went by the wayside but I had more than in recent weeks.

Sat
A little out of sorts when I awoke. I think it's weather-related. I'm thankful for the cool weather where I live. Here at my Mom's, the nights remain just a little too warm for me. And I got shuffled around when they moved furniture for carpeting. Once the carpet is in, they will not replace the furniture, except for the sofa I persuaded them to put back in the air-conditioned den. I'll have to remain here for another 9 or so days to make sure no one disturbs the dove nest. Today will be challenging as there will be landscapers to trim back vegetation in a little courtyard area where the nest is. I'll have to literally sit there and make sure they stay away from the nest tree and refrain from talking or using power tools.
My appetite is still quiet, and I like the peacefulness of it. I'll take it one meal at a time, working towards weight-loss eating. I don't know what changed for me, for the appetite to go away. The last 3 months have been all about food and sweets and whatever/whenever i wanted to eat. I'm glad to have a foothold in lighter eating and look forward to feeling the ease of movement that comes after some weight is shed.

Food so far is coffee and protein shake. I've been hydrating with diet A & W root beer, Maybe the sweetness is what is keeping things in check. Normally I steer clear of soft drinks. Today will involve some iced ginger tea.