I think you have a great attitude about helping your daughter. Can't imagine anyone "flaming" about that!
I think whatever you do that doesn't shame her is a good step. I remember sitting in a doctor's office at that age and being given piece of paper with a list of foods and calorie counts! What was I supposed to do with this? Was I wrong for eating the foods my parents bought? My being an overweight kid (overweight but not obese by a long shot) was something not to be tolerated. My father ridiculed me and my mother just didn't want to deal with it (lots of denial).
It is true - your good example and positive attitude about healthy eating WILL make a difference. Keep us posted!
I saw you've incorporated roller skating into your evenings...
I'm sure this is a no-brainer for most here, but I'd also suggest a bike. As a kid, I loved my bike, and as an adult I have become an avid mountain biker (my avatar is for Santa Cruz Bicycles). It's a really easy, pleasant way to stay in shape.
I've been working with my 4 y/o so that she can come out riding with me this summer...I can't wait!
when I was a kid my mother took my brother to a dietician. It worked quite well because she was really diligent about him staying on the plan. And the plan didn't come from her so she could still be sympathetic to him. I like the weight watchers idea too. They have plans for children and the group support would be especially effective for them. Since she is upset right now about it you could maneuver the conversation so it seemed like her idea and that would make it even less like you are judging her and punishing her by putting her on a diet.
I'm reading this discussion with interest, as I always do when this topic comes up. I have a 10 year old daughter, and I am really at a loss as to how to handle the whole thing. Some of these responses are really resonating with me, and I'm going to read the whole thread over when I'm done here to make sure I'm not missing anything.
My daughter is at a healthy weight for her age and height, but she started getting the little buds about 6 months ago, which traditionally in my family is when all the girls (me included) start ballooning up. She dances 4 nights a week, which I'm sure is helping her keep trim up to now, but I'm ashamed (very ashamed) to admit that she learned very poor eating habits from me, and it's just in the past 9 months or so that I've been modeling good behavior. Some things are really sticking - she enjoys the lean proteins I prepare, no more fast food/pizza delivery ever (she gets this stuff at her aunt's house maybe 1x week), we've all switched to things like whole wheat bread, etc. I feel like I've finally got a good handle on what I am doing, and so now I'm ready to really tackle health and nutrition with her. Her after school snacking is totally out of hand, and the kid likes maybe 2 vegetables.
I am terrified that if I do the wrong thing here, I'm setting her up for the sneaking/hiding food misery, so it's going to be 100% positive. We had a talk yesterday that she was very open to, about making healthier choices and eating the more calorie laden snacks (purposely didn't say "bad" foods) in moderation. I prepared her a huge snack of strawberries and blackberries to dip in toasted coconut light 'n fit yogurt (made the plate so pretty! thanks to mckendrick's inspiration). She was very interested in trying my hummus, and she discovered that she likes it now! So today I made her a beautiful little plate of a serving of hummus with a variety of veggies and a few crackers. Of course she liked the crackers best, but she did try every one of the veggies with it - some she liked a little, some not so much. She is a lays sour cream and onion chip-a-holic, and I hesitate to just stop buying her 1 bag a week cold-turkey, but I suggested let's fill up on the healthier stuff first and then portion out a serving of chips in a bowl instead of just sitting in front of the TV eating half a bag at a time. I'm going to try weaning her portions back until I'm buying a bag every 2 weeks and so forth.
I have thought long and hard about the "just say no" thing, and I do that with a lot, but I want to do it a little bit gradually so that it becomes just second nature (like not eating out 5 nights a week anymore), instead of feeling like something punitive and one more thing she wants to battle with me about. I'll show her, I'll get my own bag and hide them in my room type reaction.
Parenting is NO JOKE! And who would have ever thought that dirty diapers, terrible twos tantrums, daycare bills, etc, would be the EASY part. Sheesh! Sorry so long, but I was actually going to post on this very topic today, and again, I really appreciate the discussion!
Whether or not a parent tells their child directly, "NO!" or says, "why don't you have a fruit instead?" or "wait until after dinner"...the answer is still NO! AND believe you me...kids are very smart...all they hear, short of YES, is NO! All the "explanations" in the world do nothing for most kids...that's brings me back to my childhood...and uhhhhh...I don't remember my parents doing too much "explaining" other than..."because I said so!"
My take...kids are waaaayyy more resillant than I think most parents give them credit for. They are also very calculative and cunning at "getting their way". I say...don't fall into the common parental trap of feeling that every time you set boundaries or say no to your child that you are setting them up for a disasterous end! They will probably "forget" about the NO they get 30 mins after anyways and then you'll find yourself having to say NO to the same thing the next day! Donno bout your kids, but my daughter seems to need to be told the same thing over and over and over again..haha!
I really don't think it's that serious. Unless your children are like "Doogie Howser" or something and can afford to buy their foods and snacks...us parents are still in the driver's seat. They can only eat what we buy and what we allow. I say..set proper and balanced nutrition standards in the household...limit treats or provide healthier alternatives and basically "relax". Children learn from what we DO more than what we SAY...so if you don't want your kids to become all "neurotic" about food and end up forming an "unhealthy" relationship with food...then we (as the parents), need to show our kids in our actions. We need to eat to live...not live to eat and our kids will follow (unless they start hiding food under their beds like my oldest daughter did...but that's a whole other thread!)
Dang, that about sums it up, there! ^^ Especially the part about not projecting our own neurosies on them. And the resilient part. I tend to beat myself up pretty bad sometimes about not getting our family nutrition in shape until recently, but perhaps they (OPs daughter, my daughter) really are still young enough to take our lead if we do our jobs as parents and set some realistic boundaries and model healthy behaviours.
Thanks again for the thread, Mama2Five, and I wish you lots of good luck on getting your whole family healthy and fit!
I was having the same problem with my soon to be 12 year old. She was 10.5 years old and 123 pounds! She was out of a size 14-16 girls clothes and we were moving on to juniors at 10 years old. She does have anxiety and LIKE ME, uses food to mask the problems.
We talked to her counselor about it and came up with a plan.
Breakfast-
Snack- fruits and veggies or yogurt
Lunch-
Snack- fruits, veggies or yogurt
Dinner- she was eating a full plate and getting 2nds on chicken breasts, potatoes etc. The counselor asked her if she thought she should be eating 2 whole chicken breasts at dinner and she admitted that she wasn't hungry after the first but just wanted more because it was so good. I now cook 1 chicken breast per person in the house and make HUGE pots of veggies and put fruit on the table for a quick dessert.
Snack- (She gets to choose this snack...it can be anything in the house)
At first she would eat the fruits, yogurts and veggies all day long in between meals. She slowly started to cut back and said she wasn't hungry and she was eating because she was bored. THAT WAS HUGE FOR HER TO REALIZE! I asked her how to keep her busy and not bored, she either plays the Kinect now or we bought her two drawing pads that she starts to draw when she's bored.
It took us a while, like I said she will be 12 next month, so almost 18 months later, she's down to 104 pounds and back into a size 14-16 jeans. She is very happy with herself and I'm very proud of her too.
For her evening snack, she SOMETIMES picks junk food but mainly she sticks to fruits dipped in yogurt. She understand healthy now.
It's a very fine line to cross when it comes to kids and eating. I was allowed to have 3 or 4 Mt.Dews a day, eat a pan of brownies by myself and I'm still struggling! I'm not blaming it on my mom, I know I control myself but I wish she would have set a good example when I was growing up. She is almost 400 pounds now and 2 heart attacks later STILL thinks I'm doing emotional damage to my daughter because of the schedule we have for her. I love the schedule so much that we have used it for my other 3 children and they are all thriving!
I don't have any children, but I was a chubby kid who was unhappy with my weight. I was too self-conscious to talk to my mom about it, and the one time she brought it up I pitched a fit because I was embarrassed and it wasn't brought up again. So I think you are already on great footing, since your daughter is the one that reached out to you looking for help.
The main thing I wanted to offer on this topic is that I was a really active kid, played tons of sports and was always running around. In fact, that time that my mom brought up my weight, it was in a "don't you want to find out what's going on here?" way - I had been doing major workouts (pre-season soccer means 2 practices a day in the heat, 1 of them just running for 2 hours), and it didn't make sense to her that I wasn't skinnier. It didn't make sense to me, either, although now I realize that I ate pretty large portions, thinking that all my activity would cancel it out. So try to be careful with just getting her to play the Wii and roller skate and whatnot without explaining more about how food works, because without both parts of the equation, it's not gonna work.
Also, I remember a classmate who was sick of being overweight and requested her parents take her to a doctor (now I realize, probably a dietitian), who counselled them on how to go about it. I was quite jealous of her for being so forthright about it and also because her plan worked - she learned the proper way to eat, lost the weight, and has kept it off to this day.
Hmmm. I had this problem as a kid too. I weighed a little more than her at that age, and I completely remember what it was like not being able to shop at Limited Too (what Justice is now), or wear cute swimsuits. I even remember having to get size 7 juniors jeans like her and having my mom have to hem them. They still didn't look right even after the length was fixed. It sucked! I totally empathize, and I think it's great that you want to fix this.
My mom tried to help me too, and I wanted to lose weight. We saw a nutritionist... I remember thinking her suggestions sucked though. "A sugar free POPSICLE as a snack? WHAT?!!" One thing I did START to learn at that age, which has actually helped me now:
1) I learned about calories. Not a hardcore counting thing, but my mom made me aware of what a calorie was, what our bodies did with it, and how many calories were in certain foods.
2) I learned the difference between healthy choices and not healthy choices, like whole wheat bread vs. white bread. I was also given a crash course (in 6th grader language) WHY one thing was better than the other. It helped to know why, not "It just is!" I lost weight on my own when I was 11 because of this. I just started packing my own lunch and using wheat bread, mustard instead of mayo on my sandwiches, and bringing fruit with me.
The one thing I wish I had learned was when to stop eating. I had a problem, like your daughter, with wanting to eat all the time. I always wanted more. I wish I'd learned the hunger scale, and that (for me) the biggest part of weight management would be to stop eating once I'm not hungry anymore. But to not feel guilty if I did, because it's normal to want to eat.
Congrats on trying to do something about it. It's crazy how many parents of overweight/obese kids don't even think their kid has a weight problem. I hope my experiences can help a little.
Last edited by oodlesofnoodles; 03-03-2011 at 06:57 PM.
Having started my journey doing serious calorie counting(on my own accord) just days after I had turned 13- I can honestly say that I strongly disagree with the idea of dumbing it down for your children. I really recommend simply giving your child the SERIOUS tools she needs(Knowledge, and not the abridged, watered-down version for 10-13 year olds, either... kids will understand more than you give them credit for. Really.) and the freedom to make the decision to change for herself. If it really bothers her, equipped with the proper knowledge, a supporting parent, and access to plenty of healthy foods and forms of exercise, she can definitely make the decision for herself and work at it, too.
Teach her about calories and how they affect your weight... explain the concepts of bmr, calories in vs. calories out, and how you can use those concepts to adjust ones own eating and activity levels to get to the weight you want to be. Give her the option of having access to, perhaps, a calorie counting website to log her own food intake. If she can't already, teach her how to cook... Arm her with all the knowledge you can to make the change if she wants to, but all the freedom to decide if she really wants to act on it.
At age 13, I pursued all of this information on my own... How thrilled I would have been if it were handed to me even just a few years earlier by a supportive parent no less..!
Thanks everyone for the comments. I've read them all and you all have some great ideas for getting us started.
OODLES: I bought Haylee a pair of jeans today at Target since they were on clearance. I bought us both a pair and they run big apparently, because I bought a size smaller than I normally wear. I got her a 5 and they fit her good but yes they are long and she was a little frustrated. They are "skinny jeans" though, so they still fit her legs well and I think they will look good after being hemmed.
ERIN: We did get bikes this past summer and we tried to bike at least 2-3 times a week. We live in the country on a 55mph road so we have to load the bikes up and go somewhere else to ride, but we really enjoyed doing that. It's just too cold here right now.
NOLA: In the past couple of days we have talked more about her losing a little weight. I went out and bought alot of new things so that she won't feel deprived in any way. We got sugar free puddings, light yogurts, light string cheese and some other things so that she can have a snack after school and a snack right before bed. I think she is really enjoying it so far because she's getting some new things.
A few people mentioned weight watchers....The thing is, my husband and I are both calorie counting (I'm in maintenance now, he has lost 65 since October and has about 95 to go) so I hate to add a whole new way of eating for her that is different from what we're already doing.
HORO: I do tend to side with you here. Thats why I started this whole topic. I mean I've read this forum enough to know that this is a life long way of eating and that we all have to defend our way of eating to family and friends who call us "obsessive" or whatever....And Once you are done losing, you still have to count (at least loosely) in order to maintain the weight, which is where I'm at now. If we really believe that this is "normal" and a life long way of eating, then why not start teaching it at a young age? Is it any more "traumatic" then being picked on at school for your weight, or not fitting in with the other kids, or leaving a store upset everytime you go shopping for clothes? It's sad that kids judge based on those things but it's also a fact that they do and they always will
Soooo, here is what we have decided. I've talked to Haylee about calories and how it works. She already knew alot of it simply because my husband and I both started doing it a few months ago. I am not going to let her log her own calories online like I do...not yet. I think thats a bit much for her right now. But I will keep track for her and try to help her balance the calories throughout the day. We talked about waiting for the "full feeling" after you eat, to see if she can recognize that feeling before asking for more. We went out and bought alot of new things for her to eat, and things for her to take to lunch. She seems very excited to be joining Mom and Dad in their endeavors LOL
Speaking of school lunches, I can not believe what they feed them!! No wonder so many kids are overweight. Up until now, Haylee has always bought lunch at school.....not only that, but now they have a breakfast program where they can eat when they get there, then have lunch, and then we are expected to send a snack with them for later in the day. My daughter has lunch at noon and they get out of school at 2:25. Do they think the kids can't make it 2 1/2 hours without food? LOL
As a mother of 3 ~i just changed all there food too what I was eating~ & Gave them limits~At first they was mad but they got over it~My daughter(approx 15 Now 17) went from a size 16/18 in womens to a size 0 & My son (approx 11 & now 13) has stayed in the same size jeans waist wise for the last 2 & 1/2 years & grew taller so He has slimmed down nicely though still alittle over weight but I would say they have both easily lost over 100 pounds a piece also~I have lost 131 pounds ~my youngest wasn't over weight yet & has remained small As my hubby also.I never talked much about numbers in front of them but I counted them when I placed them on the plates for them first without them knowing & eventually they got use to the changes & I totally switched them to diet soda~Which nearly sent them through the roof But They love it now~If we was eating wrong then so are they~even your smaller ones are just more active proboly...We must teach them to eat correctly As we do ourselves because as parents we are the ones that feed them most of the time. Even over eating healthy food is the wrong way~We must set limits ~Set them with ll your kids not just her & all shoulld go well HUGS!!! Hope that was helpful~GOODLUCK!
They will probably "forget" about the NO they get 30 mins after anyways and then you'll find yourself having to say NO to the same thing the next day! Donno bout your kids, but my daughter seems to need to be told the same thing over and over and over again..haha!
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