[va1erie]

Originally Posted by 4EverLearning

Hope you had a good day! I spent most of the day cleaning and doing laundry (joy, joy). Weight was up .4 this morning.

So it sounds like your body is readjusting from the walk -- down a lot, up a bit. I wonder how long it takes to fully recover from a distance event like that?

From yesterday:

I am sure it will be a big adjustment for you to have BOTH kids out of the house. How is Jane feeling about living away from home?

I think she's really excited, a tiny bit anxious. It's still nearly two weeks away, so she may not be focusing so much on the anxious part yet!


[quote]Actually, with any luck, I'll be running a 5K in about 6 weeks! Or, more likely, I'll do it partly running and partly walking. [quote] So cool!

My body has changed a lot, and my waist in particular continues to get tighter. And I don't think there is an ounce of fat on my legs or butt.

It'll be interesting to see how small your waist eventually gets, since that's where you tend to carry any fat.

OK, I'm showing my ignorance of texting language again. What does GMTA stand for?

Great Minds Think Alike.

I'm sure. I'm feeling a little distracted by all I have to do in the next two weeks, too!

When does school start back up for you? A lot of Michael's friends are having a very short summer because they'd been at one of the state schools that switched from quarters to semesters this year.

[quote]A half-pound gain sounds pretty darn good to me. I know you must be just under your goal, though, and that probably concerns you.[quote] I was back down well under goal this morning, so I'm happy. Spent yesterday at the market, and as we were packing up one of our vendors asked if I wanted a beans to put up, as she had a couple of bushels she didn't sell. So I bought a bushel for $12, brought them home, and processed them, which took most of the afternoon and the entire evening. I didn't get to bed until almost midnight, which is pretty unheard of for me. But I've got 16 quarts of beans canned, the entire bushel except for a few cups of very small beans that I decided to cook as haricot verts instead.

Hope you had a great day! We're heading up to see my dad this afternoon. Not looking forward to it. I haven't been quite able to get over that whole Nada thing, even though he's now in a different relationship with someone who seems pretty nice. What in the past I saw as charming eccentricities that we laughed and rolled our eyes tolerantly over now just seem irritating and tedious. I know I'll probably regret not having been able to get over it after he's gone, but fortunately he's oblivious so at least I won't have to deal with knowing he knew I felt this way. It's amazing how oblivious he is.

MONDAY: weighed (no change), didn't have class so didn't go.

[4EverLearning]

Originally Posted by va1erie

So it sounds like your body is readjusting from the walk -- down a lot, up a bit. I wonder how long it takes to fully recover from a distance event like that?

I was down .6 yesterday and down another .6 today. I seem to be fluctuating all over the place. I don't know if it's still the fall-out from the walk.

Originally Posted by va1erie

From yesterday: I think she's really excited, a tiny bit anxious. It's still nearly two weeks away, so she may not be focusing so much on the anxious part yet!

Yeah, well, you know how those approach-avoidance conflicts work--at some point the anxiety will overtake the excitement!

Originally Posted by va1erie

So cool!

It is pretty cool!! I do get a kick out of challenging myself to do something I never thought I could do. I saw my trainer today, and he had me running for probably half of my session. One of the things he had me do was to run a lap (.8 of a mile) around the outside of the mall while he timed me. He had done it himself (with his own trainer) earlier today, and I actually beat his time by over a minute! That totally tickled me!! The truth is, we're both slow (he's really strong and could probably pick me up and bench press me, but he hates doing cardio and isn't a fast runner), but it still pleased me to beat my trainer's time!

Originally Posted by va1erie

It'll be interesting to see how small your waist eventually gets, since that's where you tend to carry any fat.

That may depend on whether or not I get a tummy tuck!! But I am curious, too, to see how small my waist can get as I continue to work on my abs. It's still disproportionately large in comparison to my narrow hips.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Great Minds Think Alike.

DUH!! Every time you tell me what an abbreviation stands for, I think, why couldn't I figure that out on my own??

Originally Posted by va1erie

When does school start back up for you? A lot of Michael's friends are having a very short summer because they'd been at one of the state schools that switched from quarters to semesters this year.

Bummer. I start (as always) on the Monday before Labor Day, which is Aug. 27 this year.

Originally Posted by va1erie

I was back down well under goal this morning, so I'm happy. Spent yesterday at the market, and as we were packing up one of our vendors asked if I wanted a beans to put up, as she had a couple of bushels she didn't sell. So I bought a bushel for $12, brought them home, and processed them, which took most of the afternoon and the entire evening. I didn't get to bed until almost midnight, which is pretty unheard of for me. But I've got 16 quarts of beans canned, the entire bushel except for a few cups of very small beans that I decided to cook as haricot verts instead.

YAY for being well under goal again! I can't believe you stayed up until almost midnight to can BEANS. You must really like beans, that's all I I've got to say!!

Originally Posted by va1erie

Hope you had a great day! We're heading up to see my dad this afternoon. Not looking forward to it. I haven't been quite able to get over that whole Nada thing, even though he's now in a different relationship with someone who seems pretty nice. What in the past I saw as charming eccentricities that we laughed and rolled our eyes tolerantly over now just seem irritating and tedious. I know I'll probably regret not having been able to get over it after he's gone, but fortunately he's oblivious so at least I won't have to deal with knowing he knew I felt this way. It's amazing how oblivious he is.

Why do you feel so sure that your dad is completely oblivious to your feelings? How long has his new relationship been going on? For your own sake, it would be helpful to try to work through your feelings about Nada before he's gone, if at all possible. It's much harder to process a rift when it is also clouded by grief and regret. I totally understand where you're coming from, though.

Originally Posted by va1erie

MONDAY: weighed (no change), didn't have class so didn't go.

YAY on no change!

I thought I was going to have to go to jury duty tomorrow, but now it's been pushed back until Thursday. I think this is the fourth time it has been postponed. My service period is supposed to end on Friday. I sure hope that I don't get chosen for a long trial that starts Thursday and extends into next week. The first faculty meeting is next Wednesday, which of course I have to attend, as faculty chair. And I still have a lot of work to get done before the first day of class.

I hope your visit with your dad went better than you expected!

[va1erie]

Originally Posted by 4EverLearning

It is pretty cool!! I do get a kick out of challenging myself to do something I never thought I could do. I saw my trainer today, and he had me running for probably half of my session. One of the things he had me do was to run a lap (.8 of a mile) around the outside of the mall while he timed me. He had done it himself (with his own trainer) earlier today, and I actually beat his time by over a minute! That totally tickled me!! The truth is, we're both slow (he's really strong and could probably pick me up and bench press me, but he hates doing cardio and isn't a fast runner), but it still pleased me to beat my trainer's time!

Now THAT is cool!

YAY for being well under goal again! I can't believe you stayed up until almost midnight to can BEANS. You must really like beans, that's all I I've got to say!!

I do like beans! But what I really like is looking into my pantry and seeing stuffed I canned myself.

Why do you feel so sure that your dad is completely oblivious to your feelings?

He pretty much proved he's oblivious to everyone's feelings. Can you imagine how Nada must feel? THREE TIMES she's been in a relationship with this man and he's ultimately rejected her. The third time he started this relationship was because he wanted to figure out why he felt the way he did and thought the only way to figure it out was to start the relationship up again. How oblivious is that to her feelings? And he simply couldn't seem to comprehend why Tracy and I would find this so upsetting. And it's probably been at least a year since I called him or invited him down here except for Thanksgiving or Christmas, when I probably had him and mom, then just him, down here for dinner at least once more weeks than not. But he doesn't seem to notice that it's always him that calls me and that the family hasn't gotten together for dinner (I generally invited everyone here because entertaining is easy for me) since I don't know when. He certainly isn't asking any questions about it, at any rate. I sort of forget he exists when I don't hear from him.

How long has his new relationship been going on?

Hmm...it's certainly been over a year, maybe close to two.

For your own sake, it would be helpful to try to work through your feelings about Nada before he's gone, if at all possible. It's much harder to process a rift when it is also clouded by grief and regret.

I know. I suspect I'll have regrets. But I guess I've been avoiding it because I think I'd need to know he -understood- how badly this hurt us, and if I could make him understand I'm sure it would hurt him badly. But more than that I'm not sure I could make him understand -- he showed absolutely no capacity to understand while it was happening, and believe me, I tried. I brought him to one of my counseling sessions and afterward the counselor said she'd never met anyone so intelligent who was quite so emotionally obtuse. I don't know if he was always like that or not. My counselor suspects he probably was, but the reason I never noticed it before was that mom was always there being the buffer. That made total sense to me. At any rate, the idea of trying to make him understand just feels kind of hopeless, and I don't want to go through that effort again if it's not going to happen. So I've just been pulling away from him. It's really too bad, because up until this time I would have said he was a really great dad. He did EVERYTHING for us kids. He had that one little aberrant bit of behavior back in the 70s, but otherwise Father of the Year, perennially. But this whole episode made me rethink his entire character, start to see it as repeated behavior that turned it into a pattern. Everything about it -- the fact he'd start that relationship back up, the fact he would do that to her primarily to satisfy his own intellectual curiosity, the fact he couldn't seem to see what a toxic person she was even though there was ample evidence in every area of her life, some of the things she'd said to him about me being controlling and manipulative when I got upset over the whole counseling brouhaha that he repeated to me in a way that indicated he was considering she might be right in her assessment of my motives. I could not believe after knowing me for 50 years and seeing how I operate in relationships he could think it was remotely possible I was trying to control or manipulate him rather than simply communicating my distress when I got so upset. But that incident reminded me of my early teenage years, when I'd cry whenever he was upset with me. I never cried for effect; I couldn't control it. His approval was important to me, and disapproval by people who were important to me would devastate me. I see the same thing in Jane. But I remembered that he once told my mom he thought I was intentionally turning on the tears to try to get myself out of trouble. And suddenly there I was seeing a pattern again. God, this is turning into a book...sorry. At any rate, yes, you're right -- obviously it would be helpful to me to work through these feelings. I just don't know how to go about it without working through it with him, and I don't know if that's even possible. Do you think maybe I should see my counselor again and just try to work through them on my own? [LATER] Gah! My counselor's employer no longer services the P&G EAP program, and apparently she doesn't have a private practice so I can't even just pay for it myself. Now I'm going to have to start all over. I made an appointment with a male counselor. Maybe he'll have some insights another woman wouldn't have. I'm going Monday.

I thought I was going to have to go to jury duty tomorrow, but now it's been pushed back until Thursday. I think this is the fourth time it has been postponed. My service period is supposed to end on Friday. I sure hope that I don't get chosen for a long trial that starts Thursday and extends into next week. The first faculty meeting is next Wednesday, which of course I have to attend, as faculty chair. And I still have a lot of work to get done before the first day of class.

Well, that doesn't seem quite right. They can't keep you on call forever, can they?

I hope your visit with your dad went better than you expected!

Oh, it went fine. The kids enjoyed seeing each other, and like I said, he's so oblivious that it couldn't possibly have mattered that I just sat in a corner and drank several glasses of wine.

Didn't weigh this morning, was up most of the night and as usual forgot to weigh before I'd finally given up and started in on the coffee. Jane's taken to sleeping on the porch off our bedroom (like she didn't get enough of sleeping on an uncomfortable bed outdoors at camp?), so I'm doubly trying to not disturb people.

Hope you had a great day!

[4EverLearning]

Originally Posted by va1erie

I do like beans! But what I really like is looking into my pantry and seeing stuffed I canned myself.

Martha Stewart would approve!! Seriously, I get that. I love the feeling of accomplishment I get when I can see tangible proof of my efforts (although I suspect I'll never see a row of jars of beans I canned myself!!), and I rarely get to see that in my job or in my life in general. So much of what I accomplish is intangible and/or immeasurable.

Originally Posted by va1erie

He pretty much proved he's oblivious to everyone's feelings. Can you imagine how Nada must feel? THREE TIMES she's been in a relationship with this man and he's ultimately rejected her.

That's being pretty oblivious to Nada's feelings, for sure. Nada must really see something in your dad, though, some potential that she is waiting to have fulfilled, or she wouldn't keep going back for more--unless her self-esteem is so low that she feels compelled to keep putting herself in a situation where she is likely to be hurt again and again. Or, more likely, it's just a case of the "effort justification principle"--the idea that she has to stay around long enough to get the much-deserved and much-anticipated return on all of the time and resources she has invested in the relationship with your dad. It sounds like her effort is never going to pay off, and the smart thing for her would be to cut her losses and run. But she must get something out of the relationship, something pretty compelling to her, something that fulfills some kind of psychological need in her.

Originally Posted by va1erie

The third time he started this relationship was because he wanted to figure out why he felt the way he did and thought the only way to figure it out was to start the relationship up again. How oblivious is that to her feelings? And he simply couldn't seem to comprehend why Tracy and I would find this so upsetting.

OMG, that is REALLY cold and unfeeling, not to mention spectacularly self-centered and self-serving. He's turning Nada into an object or possession that he can play with and then shelve at will. The very fact that he would TELL you that that was his motivation for starting up the relationship again speaks volumes about just how oblivious he is to the reactions his behavior provokes, not only in Nada, but also in you and your sister and probably in lots of other observers of his behavior as well.

Originally Posted by va1erie

And it's probably been at least a year since I called him or invited him down here except for Thanksgiving or Christmas, when I probably had him and mom, then just him, down here for dinner at least once more weeks than not. But he doesn't seem to notice that it's always him that calls me and that the family hasn't gotten together for dinner (I generally invited everyone here because entertaining is easy for me) since I don't know when. He certainly isn't asking any questions about it, at any rate. I sort of forget he exists when I don't hear from him. Hmm...it's certainly been over a year, maybe close to two.

Just more evidence of how truly clueless he is. You'd think he'd notice such a dramatic change in your behavior and in the family dynamics. Is he really just failing to notice, or is he in denial about it because recognizing it would mean confronting your hurt and dismay and the distance it has created in your relationship?

Originally Posted by va1erie

I know. I suspect I'll have regrets. But I guess I've been avoiding it because I think I'd need to know he -understood- how badly this hurt us, and if I could make him understand I'm sure it would hurt him badly. But more than that I'm not sure I could make him understand -- he showed absolutely no capacity to understand while it was happening, and believe me, I tried. I brought him to one of my counseling sessions and afterward the counselor said she'd never met anyone so intelligent who was quite so emotionally obtuse.

Your father is certainly a textbook case illustrating the need for a concept of "emotional intelligence" that is separate and distinct from, and only slightly correlated with, intelligence in its traditional meaning. I very much doubt that you could ever make your father understand the emotional ramifications of his behavior. Given that, it is perfectly rational for you to avoid confronting him. I hope you will be able to remember that and forgive yourself for it if you aren't able to fully and actively reconcile your issues with your dad. Instead, the "reconciliation" may have to be completely internal on your part, which is totally unfair, because it leaves you responsible for coming to terms with someone else's inappropriate behavior. But expecting your dad to take responsibility sounds like way too much to ask in this case. He just sounds completely incapable of it.

Originally Posted by va1erie

I don't know if he was always like that or not. My counselor suspects he probably was, but the reason I never noticed it before was that mom was always there being the buffer. That made total sense to me.

Yes, that would make sense. Your mom was probably the mediator who smoothed things over between you and your dad. She was an enabler of sorts, defending and rationalizing his behavior in subtle ways that made it more palatable to you without you even noticing.

Originally Posted by va1erie

At any rate, the idea of trying to make him understand just feels kind of hopeless, and I don't want to go through that effort again if it's not going to happen. So I've just been pulling away from him. It's really too bad, because up until this time I would have said he was a really great dad. He did EVERYTHING for us kids. He had that one little aberrant bit of behavior back in the 70s, but otherwise Father of the Year, perennially. But this whole episode made me rethink his entire character, start to see it as repeated behavior that turned it into a pattern.

The need for congruence in our cognitions is a really powerful motivator, pushing us to revise our perceptions of the past in order to make them congruent with what we see in the present. And the discrepancy between the father you remember from your childhood, versus the father you see before you now, is the very essence of cognitive dissonance. So it is not surprising that you would now be re-writing your psychological history, revising your memories of your father to fit this new story you are creating. But human behavior IS complex and inconsistent and dissonant and often inexplicable. So it may very well be that BOTH of the personas you see in your dad are accurate, despite their many seeming contradictions. I guess what I am trying to say is that I would hate to see you rewrite your memories of the childhood father you remember so fondly if doing so would have the unfortunate effect of robbing you of having grown up with a "wonderful father".

Originally Posted by va1erie

Everything about it -- the fact he'd start that relationship back up, the fact he would do that to her primarily to satisfy his own intellectual curiosity, the fact he couldn't seem to see what a toxic person she was even though there was ample evidence in every area of her life, some of the things she'd said to him about me being controlling and manipulative when I got upset over the whole counseling brouhaha that he repeated to me in a way that indicated he was considering she might be right in her assessment of my motives. I could not believe after knowing me for 50 years and seeing how I operate in relationships he could think it was remotely possible I was trying to control or manipulate him rather than simply communicating my distress when I got so upset. But that incident reminded me of my early teenage years, when I'd cry whenever he was upset with me. I never cried for effect; I couldn't control it. His approval was important to me, and disapproval by people who were important to me would devastate me. I see the same thing in Jane. But I remembered that he once told my mom he thought I was intentionally turning on the tears to try to get myself out of trouble. And suddenly there I was seeing a pattern again.

Now THAT is really hurtful. Of course you would be devastated that your father would be more influenced by Nada's unflattering and unfair attributions about your motives than we was by his own much longer and much more intimate direct experience of you. And if he could be pushed into rewriting his memories of you so easily, it is not at all surprising that you would want to reciprocate the "favor" by revising your concept of him.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Gah! My counselor's employer no longer services the P&G EAP program, and apparently she doesn't have a private practice so I can't even just pay for it myself. Now I'm going to have to start all over. I made an appointment with a male counselor. Maybe he'll have some insights another woman wouldn't have. I'm going Monday.

Good for you!! I think the fact that you were motivated enough to research your old counselor and then make an appointment with a new one, despite the daunting prospect of having to establish rapport and context with a new therapist, says a lot about how important this is to your future psychological well-being.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Well, that doesn't seem quite right. They can't keep you on call forever, can they?

They finally let me off the hook. I do not have to report at all. So basically I put my life on hold for two weeks while waiting for something that never happened. Oh, well.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Oh, it went fine. The kids enjoyed seeing each other, and like I said, he's so oblivious that it couldn't possibly have mattered that I just sat in a corner and drank several glasses of wine.

It might have gone "fine" from his perspective, and maybe even from the kids' perspective. But obviously it wasn't so fine from where YOU were sitting.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Didn't weigh this morning, was up most of the night and as usual forgot to weigh before I'd finally given up and started in on the coffee. Jane's taken to sleeping on the porch off our bedroom (like she didn't get enough of sleeping on an uncomfortable bed outdoors at camp?), so I'm doubly trying to not disturb people.

Hmm, interesting about Jane. Maybe she just wants to be closer to you in the final days before she leaves the nest?

Originally Posted by va1erie

Hope you had a great day!

I've had a rough couple of days (as you probably inferred from my absence here). On Tuesday I had a complete and utter meltdown involving a major binge, precipitated by a combination of a conversation I had with John, which was then immediately followed by a visit to my gynecologist at which she raised certain, ahem, physical "challenges" I might have if I decided to, ahem, take my love life any further. It upset me to the point that I was in a blind panic and desperate to return to the protection of being fat. But I pulled myself out of it once again. I must say, it really ticks me off sometimes that I can't lose myself in food anymore. It just doesn't WORK!!! I haven't weighed myself since and won't for at least a couple more days. (I ate several thousand excess calories, so I know the scale would not be kind, and I just can't deal with that right now.) I've had two low calorie days since, with my eating very structured (I even wrote down my plan, which I hadn't done in a long time), so I'm feeling in control again. I've also been crazy busy. Today, for instance, I worked at school for 10 hours, then went straight to a 4-hour meeting at church. I didn't get home until 10:30, then started writing this post (which has taken me an hour, I see). Oddly, it was a pretty good day, nevertheless. I'm starting to feel excited about the new school year, despite a workload (at least for the fall semester) that may be pretty overwhelming.

Hope you are doing well! Sorry to have been MIA for....3 days? I can't even remember for sure!

[va1erie]

Originally Posted by 4EverLearning

That's being pretty oblivious to Nada's feelings, for sure. Nada must really see something in your dad, though, some potential that she is waiting to have fulfilled, or she wouldn't keep going back for more--unless her self-esteem is so low that she feels compelled to keep putting herself in a situation where she is likely to be hurt again and again. Or, more likely, it's just a case of the "effort justification principle"--the idea that she has to stay around long enough to get the much-deserved and much-anticipated return on all of the time and resources she has invested in the relationship with your dad. It sounds like her effort is never going to pay off, and the smart thing for her would be to cut her losses and run. But she must get something out of the relationship, something pretty compelling to her, something that fulfills some kind of psychological need in her.

I guess! Even while I was disliking her, I felt sorry for her.

OMG, that is REALLY cold and unfeeling, not to mention spectacularly self-centered and self-serving. He's turning Nada into an object or possession that he can play with and then shelve at will. The very fact that he would TELL you that that was his motivation for starting up the relationship again speaks volumes about just how oblivious he is to the reactions his behavior provokes, not only in Nada, but also in you and your sister and probably in lots of other observers of his behavior as well.

I'm not sure. Like I said, it wasn't something I'd ever noticed before, and maybe others hadn't either. Or maybe I was just being obtuse in my own way!

Just more evidence of how truly clueless he is. You'd think he'd notice such a dramatic change in your behavior and in the family dynamics. Is he really just failing to notice, or is he in denial about it because recognizing it would mean confronting your hurt and dismay and the distance it has created in your relationship?

I suspect it's denial, but if it is it's pretty thorough!

Your father is certainly a textbook case illustrating the need for a concept of "emotional intelligence" that is separate and distinct from, and only slightly correlated with, intelligence in its traditional meaning. I very much doubt that you could ever make your father understand the emotional ramifications of his behavior. Given that, it is perfectly rational for you to avoid confronting him. I hope you will be able to remember that and forgive yourself for it if you aren't able to fully and actively reconcile your issues with your dad. Instead, the "reconciliation" may have to be completely internal on your part, which is totally unfair, because it leaves you responsible for coming to terms with someone else's inappropriate behavior. But expecting your dad to take responsibility sounds like way too much to ask in this case. He just sounds completely incapable of it.

Exactly my feelings on it.

Yes, that would make sense. Your mom was probably the mediator who smoothed things over between you and your dad. She was an enabler of sorts, defending and rationalizing his behavior in subtle ways that made it more palatable to you without you even noticing.

The funny thing is that he was always the one who would call me to let me know something I'd said or done had hurt my mom.

The need for congruence in our cognitions is a really powerful motivator, pushing us to revise our perceptions of the past in order to make them congruent with what we see in the present. And the discrepancy between the father you remember from your childhood, versus the father you see before you now, is the very essence of cognitive dissonance. So it is not surprising that you would now be re-writing your psychological history, revising your memories of your father to fit this new story you are creating. But human behavior IS complex and inconsistent and dissonant and often inexplicable. So it may very well be that BOTH of the personas you see in your dad are accurate, despite their many seeming contradictions. I guess what I am trying to say is that I would hate to see you rewrite your memories of the childhood father you remember so fondly if doing so would have the unfortunate effect of robbing you of having grown up with a "wonderful father".

I guess I'm not exactly rewriting them so much as seeing things that weren't apparent before. It doesn't take away from all the wonderful-dad things that were there. He once wallpapered two rooms of a rathole apartment I lived in during college and built a hinged grated security cover for a french window that let out onto a flat rooftop accessible from the alleyway below where bars let out because he was concerned about someone breaking in while I was sleeping. That kind of thing peppers my entire life. I think he shows his love by doing things for people. Jane and Michael are due at school the same day, and Dad's going to move Michael in so both John and I can go with Jane for her freshman move-in. That's actually probably the first time I've asked him to do something for me in all this time -- I'm actually more surprised he hasn't noticed THAT than that he hasn't noticed I haven't called or invited him down.

Now THAT is really hurtful. Of course you would be devastated that your father would be more influenced by Nada's unflattering and unfair attributions about your motives than we was by his own much longer and much more intimate direct experience of you. And if he could be pushed into rewriting his memories of you so easily, it is not at all surprising that you would want to reciprocate the "favor" by revising your concept of him.

Yeah, that was the worst incident in the entire episode. I really couldn't believe he'd even -consider- that could be true. I have any number of unappealing character flaws, but trying to control or manipulate my loved ones is not typically one of them. Not that it's not tempting to try to influence people to do what you think they should, of course, but I actually make a conscious effort NOT to, commonly even going so far as to preface asked-for advice with, "Well, you know for my own reasons I'd prefer you did X, so take my opinion with a grain of salt." So, yeah, that was really galling.

Good for you!! I think the fact that you were motivated enough to research your old counselor and then make an appointment with a new one, despite the daunting prospect of having to establish rapport and context with a new therapist, says a lot about how important this is to your future psychological well-being.

I don't mind the prospect of establishing rapport near as much as the prospect of establishing context! Gawd. I mean, the story starts in the 1940s and makes a stop in 1974 before actually coming to a head! I never even quite know where to start! But I guess all the really interesting stories are that way.

They finally let me off the hook. I do not have to report at all. So basically I put my life on hold for two weeks while waiting for something that never happened. Oh, well.

Oh, well! I wonder if that at least means you won't get called again soon?

Hmm, interesting about Jane. Maybe she just wants to be closer to you in the final days before she leaves the nest?

Nah, I think she just likes our screened porch a lot. She sits out there and reads or uses her computer. If she wanted to be close to me she'd just ask her dad to sleep in the spare room so she could have a slumber party with mom.



[quote] I've had a rough couple of days (as you probably inferred from my absence here). On Tuesday I had a complete and utter meltdown involving a major binge, precipitated by a combination of a conversation I had with John, which was then immediately followed by a visit to my gynecologist at which she raised certain, ahem, physical "challenges" I might have if I decided to, ahem, take my love life any further. It upset me to the point that I was in a blind panic and desperate to return to the protection of being fat. [quote] Because of the thought of having a love life, you mean?

But I pulled myself out of it once again. I must say, it really ticks me off sometimes that I can't lose myself in food anymore. It just doesn't WORK!!!

I don't know whether to give you a wry smile or a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. Good for you for pulling yourself out of it! How did you do that?

I haven't weighed myself since and won't for at least a couple more days. (I ate several thousand excess calories, so I know the scale would not be kind, and I just can't deal with that right now.) I've had two low calorie days since, with my eating very structured (I even wrote down my plan, which I hadn't done in a long time), so I'm feeling in control again.

It always amazes me how going back to the basics really does help. Whenever I hear someone who is struggling to lose or to maintain say they don't need to write things down, my heart sinks for them.

I've also been crazy busy. Today, for instance, I worked at school for 10 hours, then went straight to a 4-hour meeting at church. I didn't get home until 10:30, then started writing this post (which has taken me an hour, I see). Oddly, it was a pretty good day, nevertheless.

Definitely odd, since my idea of **** is a 4-hour meeting that starts after a full day's work!

I'm starting to feel excited about the new school year, despite a workload (at least for the fall semester) that may be pretty overwhelming.

Remind me again what the final outcome was on your workload this term?

I've been a bit MIA too, and I'm trying to even remember why! I think I lost a post somewhere in there, because I know I did at least one updated post while you were out. This week has felt weird...I can never seem to remember what day it is. I'm sure there's something going on in my pointy little head that revolves around the upcoming emptying of my nest that is at the root of it. In one week and ~6 hours we will be moving Jane into her dorm. She asked me today if I thought her dad would take a day off next week so we could all hang out. I told her I thought he could be talked into that.

Didn't weigh, and here I sit with my coffee. I have GOT to get back into the routine of weighing daily. I forget more often than I remember, and I really don't want to get to the point where I'm not weighing. I think frequent weighing is crucial for me, and if I don't have it as a -daily- habit I'm afraid I'll just go longer and longer between weighs. You know what? Who cares that I've already eaten or had something to drink? Does it really matter? I'm maintaining, not trying to gauge whether I've lost. All I need to know is if I'm still in the ball park. I'm going to start weighing as soon as I remember, whether or not I've started drinking coffee. That at least should make the habit daily again.

[4EverLearning]

Originally Posted by va1erie

I guess! Even while I was disliking her, I felt sorry for her.

Now that's an uncomfortable combination--talk about cognitive dissonance!

Originally Posted by va1erie

I'm not sure. Like I said, it wasn't something I'd ever noticed before, and maybe others hadn't either. Or maybe I was just being obtuse in my own way!

I feel pretty certain that obtuseness on your part is not the explanation. I don't see you as being even remotely lacking in emotional intelligence. Quite the contrary!

Originally Posted by va1erie

The funny thing is that he was always the one who would call me to let me know something I'd said or done had hurt my mom.

Isn't it interesting to think back on the dynamics of your parents' marriage, from the perspective of an adult rather than a child?

Originally Posted by va1erie

I guess I'm not exactly rewriting them so much as seeing things that weren't apparent before. It doesn't take away from all the wonderful-dad things that were there. He once wallpapered two rooms of a rathole apartment I lived in during college and built a hinged grated security cover for a french window that let out onto a flat rooftop accessible from the alleyway below where bars let out because he was concerned about someone breaking in while I was sleeping. That kind of thing peppers my entire life. I think he shows his love by doing things for people. Jane and Michael are due at school the same day, and Dad's going to move Michael in so both John and I can go with Jane for her freshman move-in. That's actually probably the first time I've asked him to do something for me in all this time -- I'm actually more surprised he hasn't noticed THAT than that he hasn't noticed I haven't called or invited him down.

Good! I'm glad you can tolerate the ambiguity and can hang on to those good memories. And it's even better that you can still see the good things he does in the present. That's a really nice thing he is doing, taking Michael to school so you and John can both go with Jane. I think my parents definitely expressed love by doing things, too. They certainly didn't ever express it verbally!

Originally Posted by va1erie

Yeah, that was the worst incident in the entire episode. I really couldn't believe he'd even -consider- that could be true. I have any number of unappealing character flaws, but trying to control or manipulate my loved ones is not typically one of them. Not that it's not tempting to try to influence people to do what you think they should, of course, but I actually make a conscious effort NOT to, commonly even going so far as to preface asked-for advice with, "Well, you know for my own reasons I'd prefer you did X, so take my opinion with a grain of salt." So, yeah, that was really galling.

I think that everyone retains that desire for unconditional love from their parents. After all, your parents are supposed to be the ones who've known you the longest and best! So it doesn't surprise me that you would feel betrayed by the fact that he would trust Nada's biased perceptions of you over his own long experience of you.

[4EverLearning]

POST 2 of 2

I had already responded to all of this last night. But when I went to edit my post by adding to it tonight, half of the previous post got erased. So now I am trying to reconstruct it. I'm gonna be ticked if it gets erased again.

Originally Posted by va1erie

I don't mind the prospect of establishing rapport near as much as the prospect of establishing context! Gawd. I mean, the story starts in the 1940s and makes a stop in 1974 before actually coming to a head! I never even quite know where to start! But I guess all the really interesting stories are that way.

That is precisely the reason that I hope never to have to start fresh with a new therapist. It is exhausting just thinking about trying to establish a context with someone new. But your analogy of a story is a good one. Your story is interesting and compelling, and you are a writer, so you know how to tell it well!

Originally Posted by va1erie

Oh, well! I wonder if that at least means you won't get called again soon?

That is certainly my hope!

Originally Posted by va1erie

Nah, I think she just likes our screened porch a lot. She sits out there and reads or uses her computer. If she wanted to be close to me she'd just ask her dad to sleep in the spare room so she could have a slumber party with mom.

Maybe YOU should initiate a slumber party before she leaves!

Originally Posted by va1erie

Because of the thought of having a love life, you mean?

Part of my anxiety is about the thought of having a romantic life, and part of it is about the thought of having a sex life. And those two things are not at all the same, in my experience. They are equally terrifying, but for very different reasons.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Good for you for pulling yourself out of it! How did you do that?

I had a conversation with my therapist recently in which I had a flash of insight. We were talking about how much better I am these days at liveing in the present, instead of wasting so much energy agonizing about the past and worrying about the future. I've always understood that the ability to stay in the present is a hallmark of mental health. But what I never fully appreciated before (and this is the insight I recently came to) is how much it also helps in dealing with addictive or compulsive behavior. I'm able to sort of compartmentalize my binges now. I don't agonize much about them after the fact. And I no longer see each binge as an inevitable predictor of future binges, either. Instead, I wall each one off in my mind and move past it.

Originally Posted by va1erie

It always amazes me how going back to the basics really does help. Whenever I hear someone who is struggling to lose or to maintain say they don't need to write things down, my heart sinks for them.

I agree totally. I don't like to write down my eating plan, and I don't like keeping a food log, and I resist both. But as soon as I do it, it helps.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Definitely odd, since my idea of **** is a 4-hour meeting that starts after a full day's work!

I don't disagree! But I think this is just another example of my ability to stay in the present and find something worthwhile in almost every experience.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Remind me again what the final outcome was on your workload this term?

Instead of my normal two intro classes and two different majors classes, this semester I have FOUR different majors classes, three of which are very heavy in terms of grading. One of them is stats, with 60 people in it, all of whom are likely to need individual help. And I am faculty chair again this year, too. That adds lots of administrative responsibilities to my workload.

Originally Posted by va1erie

I've been a bit MIA too, and I'm trying to even remember why! I think I lost a post somewhere in there, because I know I did at least one updated post while you were out. This week has felt weird...I can never seem to remember what day it is. I'm sure there's something going on in my pointy little head that revolves around the upcoming emptying of my nest that is at the root of it. In one week and ~6 hours we will be moving Jane into her dorm. She asked me today if I thought her dad would take a day off next week so we could all hang out. I told her I thought he could be talked into that.

I'm not surprised that you would feel a bit discombobulated as your anticipate your baby leaving the nest! I think that is really sweet that Jane wants to hang out with you and John before she leaves.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Didn't weigh, and here I sit with my coffee. I have GOT to get back into the routine of weighing daily. I forget more often than I remember, and I really don't want to get to the point where I'm not weighing. I think frequent weighing is crucial for me, and if I don't have it as a -daily- habit I'm afraid I'll just go longer and longer between weighs. You know what? Who cares that I've already eaten or had something to drink? Does it really matter? I'm maintaining, not trying to gauge whether I've lost. All I need to know is if I'm still in the ball park. I'm going to start weighing as soon as I remember, whether or not I've started drinking coffee. That at least should make the habit daily again.

And if you do find yourself frequently not weighing until after you've had coffee, at least that would be consistent! The important thing is just to stay in the habit.

That being said, I still haven't weighed myself and don't want to! But I've had several low-calorie days in a row and am feeling pretty comfortable.

SATURDAY: I decided to bite the bullet and got on the scale this morning. I weighed exactly the same as I did last time I weighed, so I guess the few low days compensated for the one really bad day.

I checked Bethy's eBay auctions tonight and discovered that she is still busy systematically selling gifts I gave her. She is even selling gifts I gave to her MOTHER. (I keep checking because there is something I want to buy back if she puts it up for sale. But man, it hurts.) And worst of all, she recently bought (on eBay) an expensive guitar. I'm so glad that all that money she is making on my gifts is being put to such good use. NOT!

Oh, well, move on! Time to get to bed. Am singing in church in the morning and need to get up early. Hope you had a good day!

[va1erie]

Originally Posted by 4EverLearning

POST 2 of 2

I had already responded to all of this last night. But when I went to edit my post by adding to it tonight, half of the previous post got erased. So now I am trying to reconstruct it. I'm gonna be ticked if it gets erased again.

Good grief! 3fC hates your computer!

I had a conversation with my therapist recently in which I had a flash of insight. We were talking about how much better I am these days at liveing in the present, instead of wasting so much energy agonizing about the past and worrying about the future. I've always understood that the ability to stay in the present is a hallmark of mental health. But what I never fully appreciated before (and this is the insight I recently came to) is how much it also helps in dealing with addictive or compulsive behavior. I'm able to sort of compartmentalize my binges now. I don't agonize much about them after the fact. And I no longer see each binge as an inevitable predictor of future binges, either. Instead, I wall each one off in my mind and move past it.

Very interesting! I never really thought about it that way, but I guess that's what "oh, well. Move on" is intended to remind us.

I don't disagree! But I think this is just another example of my ability to stay in the present and find something worthwhile in almost every experience.

And good for you!

Instead of my normal two intro classes and two different majors classes, this semester I have FOUR different majors classes, three of which are very heavy in terms of grading. One of them is stats, with 60 people in it, all of whom are likely to need individual help. And I am faculty chair again this year, too. That adds lots of administrative responsibilities to my workload.

Yeah, I remembered that there were significant admin responsibilities without counterbalancing class load reductions.

SATURDAY: I decided to bite the bullet and got on the scale this morning. I weighed exactly the same as I did last time I weighed, so I guess the few low days compensated for the one really bad day.

There you go!

I checked Bethy's eBay auctions tonight and discovered that she is still busy systematically selling gifts I gave her. She is even selling gifts I gave to her MOTHER. (I keep checking because there is something I want to buy back if she puts it up for sale. But man, it hurts.) And worst of all, she recently bought (on eBay) an expensive guitar. I'm so glad that all that money she is making on my gifts is being put to such good use.

What a nut case!

Weighed (down a bit, well under goal) but I've been STARVING this morning. Just had half a grilled cheese sandwich.

MONDAY: weighed (no change), spent much of the day helping Jane pack. Managed to go through her entire collection of shirts and sweaters and get rid of probably half, yay! On to the folded stuff today. I may be a bit busy for the next few days getting both kids ready to go, but I'll try to get in here at least tomorrow and Wednesday, and then we'll be out until Monday night when we fly back into Indianapolis, am considering not taking my laptop so you may not see anything from me until Tuesday. Hope you're having a good day!

[4EverLearning]

Originally Posted by va1erie

Good grief! 3fC hates your computer!

So it seems!! It's almost enough to make me paranoid!

Originally Posted by va1erie

Very interesting! I never really thought about it that way, but I guess that's what "oh, well. Move on" is intended to remind us.

I never quite thought about it that way before, either. But now it makes perfect sense.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Yeah, I remembered that there were significant admin responsibilities without counterbalancing class load reductions.

But at least there's a bigger paycheck to go with the extra work! Or, more accurately, there will be--next semester. Nothing extra this semester. (We never get paid overload for fall semester, in case something happens that causes a reduced workload for the spring semester. In the spring, we get the fall overload plus the spring overload. That money could potentially be going toward a tummy tuck next summer!)

Originally Posted by va1erie

What a nut case!

Oh, thank you for saying that--even if you don't mean it!!

Originally Posted by va1erie

Weighed (down a bit, well under goal) but I've been STARVING this morning. Just had half a grilled cheese sandwich.

YAY for being well under goal!

Originally Posted by va1erie

MONDAY: weighed (no change), spent much of the day helping Jane pack. Managed to go through her entire collection of shirts and sweaters and get rid of probably half, yay! On to the folded stuff today. I may be a bit busy for the next few days getting both kids ready to go, but I'll try to get in here at least tomorrow and Wednesday, and then we'll be out until Monday night when we fly back into Indianapolis, am considering not taking my laptop so you may not see anything from me until Tuesday. Hope you're having a good day!

Totally understandable. Enjoy helping Jane get ready!

I'm doing fine. Just working long hours in my office to get ready for the first faculty meeting this Wed., then the start of classes on Monday. Feeling good and in control. My weight was up .6 yesterday and unchanged today.

Hope you are savoring the last days before Jane is off to college!

TUESDAY: Weight was down 1.6 this morning (??????)! Had a personal training session. Tomorrow morning is my first faculty meeting, so I need to get to sleep now. I'm dripping with sweat, though--having a major hot flash! UGH.

[va1erie]

Originally Posted by 4EverLearning

But at least there's a bigger paycheck to go with the extra work! Or, more accurately, there will be--next semester. Nothing extra this semester. (We never get paid overload for fall semester, in case something happens that causes a reduced workload for the spring semester. In the spring, we get the fall overload plus the spring overload. That money could potentially be going toward a tummy tuck next summer!)

That would be cool!

Oh, thank you for saying that--even if you don't mean it!!

Oh, believe me, I mean it! She's a real piece of work, that one.

Totally understandable. Enjoy helping Jane get ready!

I've totally been enjoying emptying her closets, which have needed to be gone through for several years now but she's never done since she started being in charge of her own clothes, so probably since she was in 7th grade or so. She just kept jamming more in and never taking stuff out. We have two yard-waste bags full of stuff for Goodwill, three huge duffels to go to school, and a small number of items that she doesn't want to take but isn't quite ready to give up. At CC the older students are recommending freshmen bring basically everything because the weather is so changeable, so she's taking three winter coats, her boots, all her jeans, all her shorts and ts and long sleeve shirts and sweaters and hoodies, three weeks' worth of undies, workout clothes...I was actually surprised it all fit into three bags and had set out five. She was asking me if she was taking too much because she doesn't want to be the girl who showed up with a ridiculous amount, but I suspect she won't even be close to having the largest number of suitcases. As expected she's having a fair amount of anxiety now that the last of her friends have left for school (the last of them left Sunday morning) and she has nothing to distract herself with. She and her boyfriend broke up Saturday night, which they'd both been planning to do -- he's going to OSU and they both think it's a bad idea to go off to school with a hometown honey, especially one so far away -- but it's still kind of rough. We had a rough night of tears Sunday night, and we made a last-minute appointment with her counselor yesterday. I'm hoping between me and her counselor saying it she'll see the meltdown as normal and to be expected rather than seeing it as an omen that she's made the wrong choice. All of her friends at OSU are hanging out together up in Columbus, and she's got very mixed feelings about that. On the one hand it's comforting to have people you already know, but on the other you don't have any chance to reinvent yourself. She's like, "Ross (the now-ex-boyfriend) had to walk Emma (the best friend who should never have ended up at OSU and whom we're both extremely worried about in that environment) home from a party last night because she was so drunk." And, "Avni (another close friend) is just hanging out with Emma and Ross and Jimmy and hasn't made any new friends except her roommate."

I'm doing fine. Just working long hours in my office to get ready for the first faculty meeting this Wed., then the start of classes on Monday. Feeling good and in control. My weight was up .6 yesterday and unchanged today.

Hope you are savoring the last days before Jane is off to college!

TUESDAY: Weight was down 1.6 this morning (??????)! Had a personal training session. Tomorrow morning is my first faculty meeting, so I need to get to sleep now. I'm dripping with sweat, though--having a major hot flash! UGH.

Yay for being down! And, yeesh, I didn't even realize I hadn't posted yesterday, sorry! Yes, I'm enjoying having her around and so is her dad.

Weighed (at goal, damn, would have liked to go off on this short trip down a bit), didn't exercise. Tuesday I must get firmly back on track!

Hope you had a good day! I probably won't get in here again but I'll try if I have a chance tomorrow!

[4EverLearning]

Originally Posted by va1erie

Oh, believe me, I mean it! She's a real piece of work, that one.

Have I told you lately how much I like you??!?

Originally Posted by va1erie

I've totally been enjoying emptying her closets, which have needed to be gone through for several years now but she's never done since she started being in charge of her own clothes, so probably since she was in 7th grade or so. She just kept jamming more in and never taking stuff out. We have two yard-waste bags full of stuff for Goodwill, three huge duffels to go to school, and a small number of items that she doesn't want to take but isn't quite ready to give up. At CC the older students are recommending freshmen bring basically everything because the weather is so changeable, so she's taking three winter coats, her boots, all her jeans, all her shorts and ts and long sleeve shirts and sweaters and hoodies, three weeks' worth of undies, workout clothes...I was actually surprised it all fit into three bags and had set out five. She was asking me if she was taking too much because she doesn't want to be the girl who showed up with a ridiculous amount, but I suspect she won't even be close to having the largest number of suitcases. As expected she's having a fair amount of anxiety now that the last of her friends have left for school (the last of them left Sunday morning) and she has nothing to distract herself with. She and her boyfriend broke up Saturday night, which they'd both been planning to do -- he's going to OSU and they both think it's a bad idea to go off to school with a hometown honey, especially one so far away -- but it's still kind of rough. We had a rough night of tears Sunday night, and we made a last-minute appointment with her counselor yesterday. I'm hoping between me and her counselor saying it she'll see the meltdown as normal and to be expected rather than seeing it as an omen that she's made the wrong choice. All of her friends at OSU are hanging out together up in Columbus, and she's got very mixed feelings about that. On the one hand it's comforting to have people you already know, but on the other you don't have any chance to reinvent yourself. She's like, "Ross (the now-ex-boyfriend) had to walk Emma (the best friend who should never have ended up at OSU and whom we're both extremely worried about in that environment) home from a party last night because she was so drunk." And, "Avni (another close friend) is just hanging out with Emma and Ross and Jimmy and hasn't made any new friends except her roommate."

It sounds like Jane has never fallen into the trap of yo-yo dieting, since you didn't say anything about there being a multitude of sizes in her closets. After so much time, it must have been a big deal for her to clean everything out. What kinds of feelings came up for her? I would think the process of sorting through her wardrobe, deciding what to keep and what to discard, and what to take with her to her new environment, would be symbolic for her on numerous levels. And of course her meltdown was completely normal; I hope she was convinced of that. She made the mature (if difficult) decision when she cut her hometown honey loose. But it would still have to feel like a loss for her. Seeing so many of her friends going to the same school, where they can continue to hang out together, would really confront her with how far she will be stepping out of her comfort zone. But the potential payoff is much greater for her as a result.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Weighed (at goal, damn, would have liked to go off on this short trip down a bit), didn't exercise. Tuesday I must get firmly back on track!

And I'm sure you will! I'm saying the same thing to myself with regard to this week. For me, the first day of school is much more of a "new year" than Jan. 1 could ever be. At least my first day of school shouldn't be as traumatic as it was last year, when I found out that my mammogram was abnormal, called Bethy to tell her about it, and got dumped. But, unfortunately, my school year may very well start out with the prospect of yet another biopsy. I had my screening mammogram this week, and the technician called me back into the x-ray room FIVE times for additional pictures. She admitted that it was because they wanted more views of an abnormality, which doesn't bode well. Since then I've been frantically working extra hard to get way ahead with my work in case I have to take some time off, or someone else has to take over for me. I was pretty depressed for a couple of days. But today I made it a point to get dressed up, walked to church, took a long walk after church (walked about 9 miles all together), had a good eating day, and just generally worked at having a good attitude for the start of the school year.

I can't wait to hear about your trip!

[va1erie]

Originally Posted by 4EverLearning

It sounds like Jane has never fallen into the trap of yo-yo dieting, since you didn't say anything about there being a multitude of sizes in her closets.

No, she's pretty much been a 0-4 depending on the brand since she stopped getting taller. As far as I could tell, she never "dieted" although there've been times she's tried to eat healthier. When we stopped at the grocery to get snacks for her dorm, she bought chocolate Silk (soy milk), almonds, and a 2-pack of Reese's Cups. CC is VERY healthy-eating friendly. They set up pretty extensive salad and fruit bars for every meal and there are always vegetarian and vegan options. For the welcome picnic (where there were signs up saying the event was "waste-free" because they were composting or recycling everything, so LAC) they offered lots of healthy food.

After so much time, it must have been a big deal for her to clean everything out. What kinds of feelings came up for her? I would think the process of sorting through her wardrobe, deciding what to keep and what to discard, and what to take with her to her new environment, would be symbolic for her on numerous levels.

She didn't seem to have much problem with it, actually. She went through the piles pretty brutally, even getting rid of some things that still had tags on.

And of course her meltdown was completely normal; I hope she was convinced of that. She made the mature (if difficult) decision when she cut her hometown honey loose. But it would still have to feel like a loss for her. Seeing so many of her friends going to the same school, where they can continue to hang out together, would really confront her with how far she will be stepping out of her comfort zone. But the potential payoff is much greater for her as a result.

Yeah, we talked about how she can break out of her expected role if there's no one there who knows you. She definitely sees as negative the fact that some of her friends haven't made any new friends, especially since they've all been at OSU for nearly two weeks now. But she understands better the draw of those existing friendships now that she's been thrown into a pool of strangers.

I had my screening mammogram this week, and the technician called me back into the x-ray room FIVE times for additional pictures. She admitted that it was because they wanted more views of an abnormality, which doesn't bode well.

Wow, sorry to hear it! I'll keep my fingers crossed that it turns out to be no big deal. When will you hear from your doc?

Since then I've been frantically working extra hard to get way ahead with my work in case I have to take some time off, or someone else has to take over for me. I was pretty depressed for a couple of days. But today I made it a point to get dressed up, walked to church, took a long walk after church (walked about 9 miles all together), had a good eating day, and just generally worked at having a good attitude for the start of the school year.

Good for you for using exercise to combat depression!

I can't wait to hear about your trip!

Well, it was kind of a roller coaster. The trip there went smoothly, and the airbnb cottage turned out to be fantastic. Missy, who lives in the main house and rents out a small upstairs apartment and a cottage out back -- both built before zoning prohibited them -- is great, very welcoming and anxious to help. The cottage itself is great, too, perfect for our needs and just a few blocks from campus. I've already booked it for next year. Move in was pretty smooth, minor bumps. John loved Colorado Springs, which I'd thought he would. But of the two roommates, one's been there for several weeks with the volleyball team and the other has two hometown friends who are rooming together. The room doors are heavy and close automatically -- I assume due to fire codes, as I don't remember any dorms back when I was in school that did that but that's how Mick's dorm is too -- which means it's a lot harder to meet people in your dorm. And of course everyone's parents were still around Saturday and Sunday. So Jane had a couple of bad days because she was expecting to be able to hang out with her roomies until they all found their own group. Abby (the girl with the hometown friends) has been very nice and invited Jane to hang with her and her friends several times, but it makes Jane feel a bit like a fifth wheel. Courtney (the volleyball player) has just been mostly absent. Friday night Jane was left alone, though, and she was feeling very isolated in her room with the door closed. But she got up and walked down her corridor until she found someone who had propped his door open but was also sitting alone, introduced herself, and they hung out together and then finally found some other freshmen to hang with. I was proud of her for putting herself out there. But unfortunately it didn't feel good -- it felt kind of pathetic, like they were hanging out together simply because they were the kids who hadn't found friends yet. We had two meltdowns over that, including one Sunday morning when she texted to say she wanted to go to brunch but didn't want to be sitting there alone. There'd been a dorm getting-to-know-you party the night before and we'd been hoping that would help, but she said it felt so awkward to try to follow up on that short acquaintance as if "Okay, we met last night, now we're friends, let's go to brunch together." I gave her some advice on that -- told her the way to get rid of the awkwardness was to default to "they might feel the same way" and then lob the ball into their court. Reaching out once is never weird. The SECOND attempt is what's weird. So if you call someone once, whether or not they say yes to what you're proposing, you have to let THEM reach out second. Thankfully Abby came home and invited Jane to go to brunch with her and her friends. And then, hooray, CC comes through. On Sunday, just before the "Farewell Reception" (read: Parents GO AWAY Now) they had their first Priddy Trip meeting. CC has this fantastic program, mandatory and included in tuition, that sends all incoming freshmen and transfer students on a service trip, called the Priddy Trip after the alum who endowed it. Jane's trip is to a horse sanctuary about thirty miles outside of Santa Fe. Eleven students, they'll be camping while they do fence maintenance and shovel manure from Wednesday until Saturday without access to modern facilities. Shovel poop showerless for four days with anyone and I suspect you're bonded for life. At any rate, after her first trip meeting Sunday afternoon John and I were walking from a parent meeting (CC's strategy for preventing parents from trying to attend events intended for students alone) to the tent for the farewell reception and from a distance we saw Jane standing with a group who were slacklining. We even saw her get up on the slackline a couple of times, falling off both times (which astounded me -- she fears looking stupid and she's never slacklined before; you go, Reinvent-Yourself-Girl!), and when she came to the reception she was happy, and I had some very happy texts from her last night -- she and her trip group went to dinner together and then out to a thrift store to buy stuff for all this year's upcoming theme parties, which I assume are some sort of freshman mixer things. And we bought her a heavy duty door stop before we left town so she can at least prop her door open and maybe meet someone in her corridor. So maybe she's over the hump. Me, not so much! I feel a little down. It's weird to be home and know no one's going to be walking in the door until John gets home. But OTOH I really feel as if CC has it together to make sure all these high intensity kids manage to find a group. It's a huge relief to be getting happy texts (or no texts at all!) instead of unhappy texts.

Haven't weighed yet. I think I may skip it today and try to have a low day. I didn't eat horribly until the trip home, but yesterday I did not eat very healthy. Oh, well. Move on.

Hope your day was a good one and that you hear good news from your doc soon!

THURSDAY: didn't weigh, missed class yesterday because I forgot I'd unset the alarm over the days I wasn't able to go. Setting it now. Hope everything's okay!

LATER THURSDAY: OMG. I just got back from my first counseling appointment. This guy thinks my dad might have Asperger's. His son has Asperger's, and he said everything I'm telling him fits. I need to go get a book on Asperger's. If you have a suggestion, I'd love to hear it.

[4EverLearning]

Originally Posted by va1erie

No, she's pretty much been a 0-4 depending on the brand since she stopped getting taller. As far as I could tell, she never "dieted" although there've been times she's tried to eat healthier. When we stopped at the grocery to get snacks for her dorm, she bought chocolate Silk (soy milk), almonds, and a 2-pack of Reese's Cups. CC is VERY healthy-eating friendly. They set up pretty extensive salad and fruit bars for every meal and there are always vegetarian and vegan options. For the welcome picnic (where there were signs up saying the event was "waste-free" because they were composting or recycling everything, so LAC) they offered lots of healthy food.

That's terrific that CC has such healthy food options, and that Jane is receptive to them. Hopefully she won't fall victim to the dreaded Freshman 15!

Originally Posted by va1erie

Yeah, we talked about how she can break out of her expected role if there's no one there who knows you. She definitely sees as negative the fact that some of her friends haven't made any new friends, especially since they've all been at OSU for nearly two weeks now. But she understands better the draw of those existing friendships now that she's been thrown into a pool of strangers.

Yeah, there's nothing quite like being thrown into a sea of strangers to make you appreciate the value of old friends! But in the long run, she'll be better off.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Wow, sorry to hear it! I'll keep my fingers crossed that it turns out to be no big deal. When will you hear from your doc?

I see him on Thursday. I got the report from the radiologist, saying, as I expected, that there is an abnormality.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Good for you for using exercise to combat depression!

I've definitely been depressed lately, so today I took advantage of having a day with a good chunk of free time, and I walked 16 miles, including taking a walk with the administrator from school that I told you about.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Well, it was kind of a roller coaster. The trip there went smoothly, and the airbnb cottage turned out to be fantastic. Missy, who lives in the main house and rents out a small upstairs apartment and a cottage out back -- both built before zoning prohibited them -- is great, very welcoming and anxious to help. The cottage itself is great, too, perfect for our needs and just a few blocks from campus. I've already booked it for next year.

I'm glad the cottage turned out to be so perfect!

Originally Posted by va1erie

But of the two roommates, one's been there for several weeks with the volleyball team and the other has two hometown friends who are rooming together.

So that means they both have the advantage of having established relationships, which would leave Jane feeling a little vulnerable.

Originally Posted by va1erie

The room doors are heavy and close automatically -- I assume due to fire codes, as I don't remember any dorms back when I was in school that did that but that's how Mick's dorm is too -- which means it's a lot harder to meet people in your dorm.

Yeah, that's because of the fire codes. My faculty office is in an area that was remodeled recently enough to have to conform to that code, and I hate that heavy door. I had to search long and hard to find a doorstop that will hold that door open for my office hours. And it is really a pain to maneuver in and out of that door when my arms are loaded down with stuff.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Jane had a couple of bad days because she was expecting to be able to hang out with her roomies until they all found their own group. Abby (the girl with the hometown friends) has been very nice and invited Jane to hang with her and her friends several times, but it makes Jane feel a bit like a fifth wheel. Courtney (the volleyball player) has just been mostly absent.

I'm glad that at least Abby is making an effort to include Jane. But I totally understand why she would feel like the fifth wheel--as if Abby is taking pity on her, even if that is not at all the case.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Friday night Jane was left alone, though, and she was feeling very isolated in her room with the door closed. But she got up and walked down her corridor until she found someone who had propped his door open but was also sitting alone, introduced herself, and they hung out together and then finally found some other freshmen to hang with. I was proud of her for putting herself out there. But unfortunately it didn't feel good -- it felt kind of pathetic, like they were hanging out together simply because they were the kids who hadn't found friends yet.

Good for her for being so proactive!! Hopefully it will get a little easier and feel more natural each time she does it.

Originally Posted by va1erie

We had two meltdowns over that, including one Sunday morning when she texted to say she wanted to go to brunch but didn't want to be sitting there alone. There'd been a dorm getting-to-know-you party the night before and we'd been hoping that would help, but she said it felt so awkward to try to follow up on that short acquaintance as if "Okay, we met last night, now we're friends, let's go to brunch together." I gave her some advice on that -- told her the way to get rid of the awkwardness was to default to "they might feel the same way" and then lob the ball into their court. Reaching out once is never weird. The SECOND attempt is what's weird. So if you call someone once, whether or not they say yes to what you're proposing, you have to let THEM reach out second.

Ah, yes, that powerful reciprocity norm in action! That's great advice.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Thankfully Abby came home and invited Jane to go to brunch with her and her friends. And then, hooray, CC comes through. On Sunday, just before the "Farewell Reception" (read: Parents GO AWAY Now) they had their first Priddy Trip meeting. CC has this fantastic program, mandatory and included in tuition, that sends all incoming freshmen and transfer students on a service trip, called the Priddy Trip after the alum who endowed it. Jane's trip is to a horse sanctuary about thirty miles outside of Santa Fe. Eleven students, they'll be camping while they do fence maintenance and shovel manure from Wednesday until Saturday without access to modern facilities. Shovel poop showerless for four days with anyone and I suspect you're bonded for life.

OMG!! What an interesting concept a trip like that would for new freshman. It would set a tone of seriousness and service to others that it a great way to start out a college career, while at the same time being a wonderful way to promote social connections. I'm sure you are right that they will be bonded for life!!

Originally Posted by va1erie

At any rate, after her first trip meeting Sunday afternoon John and I were walking from a parent meeting (CC's strategy for preventing parents from trying to attend events intended for students alone) to the tent for the farewell reception and from a distance we saw Jane standing with a group who were slacklining. We even saw her get up on the slackline a couple of times, falling off both times (which astounded me -- she fears looking stupid and she's never slacklined before; you go, Reinvent-Yourself-Girl!)

That must have been a great moment for you and John, seeing Jane step out of her comfort zone and doing it so willingly. What's slacklining, though? I've never heard of that.

Originally Posted by va1erie

and when she came to the reception she was happy, and I had some very happy texts from her last night -- she and her trip group went to dinner together and then out to a thrift store to buy stuff for all this year's upcoming theme parties, which I assume are some sort of freshman mixer things. And we bought her a heavy duty door stop before we left town so she can at least prop her door open and maybe meet someone in her corridor. So maybe she's over the hump.

That all sounds very promising! It sounds like she's off to a good start. When do her classes begin?

Originally Posted by va1erie

Me, not so much! I feel a little down. It's weird to be home and know no one's going to be walking in the door until John gets home. But OTOH I really feel as if CC has it together to make sure all these high intensity kids manage to find a group. It's a huge relief to be getting happy texts (or no texts at all!) instead of unhappy texts.

You will definitely have a major adjustment to make. How do you feel about it?

Originally Posted by va1erie

Haven't weighed yet. I think I may skip it today and try to have a low day. I didn't eat horribly until the trip home, but yesterday I did not eat very healthy. Oh, well. Move on.

Was the less-healthy eating on the way home a reaction to the emotions of the trip?

Originally Posted by va1erie

LATER THURSDAY: OMG. I just got back from my first counseling appointment. This guy thinks my dad might have Asperger's. His son has Asperger's, and he said everything I'm telling him fits. I need to go get a book on Asperger's. If you have a suggestion, I'd love to hear it.

Oh, wow, that must have really caught you off guard. I do have a suggestion for a book, but it's in my office and I can't remember what the title is. I'll have to get back to you on that.

I'm doing so-so. I'm very anxious about the mammogram, depressed about my angst over my relationship with John, depressed about having just passed the anniversary of my dust-up with Bethy, and stressed about getting everything done at school. I had a bad eating day yesterday as a result (partly fueled by having a couple of drinks at the first Happy Hour of the school year last night). But I had a REALLY good first week of class. In fact, I think a couple of the classes I taught this week were among my very best classes ever, so that is very gratifying. Every semester I am struck anew by how very much I love to teach and how grateful I am to have a job that allows me to do something that is so meaningful to me. Everything will work itself out, one way or the other.

I hope you are finding a new equilibrium in your quieter, emptier house, and that it will be the beginning of some new and fulfilling pastimes that you haven't even anticipated yet!

[va1erie]

Originally Posted by 4EverLearning

That's terrific that CC has such healthy food options, and that Jane is receptive to them. Hopefully she won't fall victim to the dreaded Freshman 15!

They're also very physically active there. The college, the town, the state -- they just get a lot of exercise.

I see him on Thursday. I got the report from the radiologist, saying, as I expected, that there is an abnormality.

Fingers crossed!

I've definitely been depressed lately, so today I took advantage of having a day with a good chunk of free time, and I walked 16 miles, including taking a walk with the administrator from school that I told you about.

Yay for exercise! Do you think the physical activity helped?

OMG!! What an interesting concept a trip like that would for new freshman. It would set a tone of seriousness and service to others that it a great way to start out a college career, while at the same time being a wonderful way to promote social connections. I'm sure you are right that they will be bonded for life!!

It really is a very cool program. Some groups are camping in the backcountry doing trail maintenance, some are working in inner city neighborhoods. They tried to match up kids with their camping experience and interests -- they asked whether the student had ever spent the night outdoors, whether they'd carried a 40-pound pack, whether they were interested in working with children or animals, etc. Some groups are 'camping' in school gyms or church basements, others are in national parks camping in primitive campgrounds, a few are in absolute wilderness digging holes for their own toilets. CC's got a very comprehensive outdoor recreation education program that seems to be aiming to get every kid to the point they can carry a 40-pound pack into the wilderness and to teach them to rock climb, kayak, ski whether or not they've ever done any of those things. We've gotten a few texts from her. They all shared a single portapotty for their five-day trip, stayed in tents on the grounds of the horse ranch where they're working, and in between stints shoveling poop went into Santa Fe shopping & went somewhere that they could jump off cliffs into water. She sent me a couple of fantastic photos and says NM is amazing. Sounds like they had a great time. They got back to campus sometime late this morning.

That must have been a great moment for you and John, seeing Jane step out of her comfort zone and doing it so willingly. What's slacklining, though? I've never heard of that.

It's like a tightrope, only there's give (slack) in it, and it's 1 or 2" wide. It's a balancing thing. People learn to walk on it, then start doing tricks. When we were at CC in April we saw people slacklining on low lines (about hip height) and others on lines twenty feet overhead with catch lines. The kids put them up between trees.

That all sounds very promising! It sounds like she's off to a good start. When do her classes begin?

Tomorrow! Some sort of convocation at 9, then classes start at 10:30. I find it amazing that "orientation" is a ten-day event!

You will definitely have a major adjustment to make. How do you feel about it?

I miss her, but it's pretty cool having all our time be our own. John's already noticing there's MUCH less laundry.

Was the less-healthy eating on the way home a reaction to the emotions of the trip?

Probably, though it seems like the trip home is always hard. I'm tired and just want to be home.

Oh, wow, that must have really caught you off guard. I do have a suggestion for a book, but it's in my office and I can't remember what the title is. I'll have to get back to you on that.

It did catch me off guard, but if it's actually true it really helps. I found a book aimed at partners of Asperger's folks, figured that was probably as close as I might get as most seem to be aimed at parents.

I'm doing so-so. I'm very anxious about the mammogram, depressed about my angst over my relationship with John, depressed about having just passed the anniversary of my dust-up with Bethy, and stressed about getting everything done at school. I had a bad eating day yesterday as a result (partly fueled by having a couple of drinks at the first Happy Hour of the school year last night). But I had a REALLY good first week of class. In fact, I think a couple of the classes I taught this week were among my very best classes ever, so that is very gratifying. Every semester I am struck anew by how very much I love to teach and how grateful I am to have a job that allows me to do something that is so meaningful to me. Everything will work itself out, one way or the other.

I'm sorry you've had some bad days in here! But how cool that teaching just keeps feeding your soul! How lucky you are in that! So many people at this point in their careers are just hanging on until they can retire.

Hope you had a better day! I forgot to weigh this morning but did weigh yesterday (1 under goal) so I'm happy. We have airbnb guests from Hungary in -- they seem very cool! Anna and Eszter, they work for Lexmark and are from Budapest. They've been gobbling up American culture while they're here -- even went to WalMart. And had Cincinnati Chili TWICE. They're going down to Riverfest tonight (gigantic downtown festival w/500K attendees and a huge fireworks display shot over the river) and we're trying to figure out how to get them down there and back home via the bus, as the parking is absolutely NUTS and the traffic coming home turns all the highways into parking lots. I think we're going to drive them to a stop where they can catch a direct bus, then pick them back up afterward because it's unfortunately not in the best area of town and I'd feel a little leery of sending a couple of young women there alone at midnight. Probably they'd be perfectly safe -- it's just a blighted area, not a really bad one -- and if they were American urbanites I'd probably feel a little more comfortable. It feels a little odd to be getting ready to tell these young women, "Okay, if you get to Government Square and can't figure out which area you need to be in to find your bus, ask a well-dressed black woman." Because of course as an American urbanite myself, I just -know- without having to be told that a well-dressed black woman at the bus staging area is 1. likely to be an experienced bus rider and 2. likely to be happy to help and 3. not likely to be someone I shouldn't approach. But would a young woman from Budapest perhaps even be unlikely to ask a black person at all because she A. wouldn't realize that blacks in an urban area are those most likely to understand the bus service and B. might feel uncomfortable with black people because she doesn't run into many of them at home? And does it make me a racist that I know exactly whom I should approach at the bus staging area during a huge inner-city event?

[4EverLearning]

Originally Posted by va1erie

They're also very physically active there. The college, the town, the state -- they just get a lot of exercise.

Sounds too good to be true!

Originally Posted by va1erie

Yay for exercise! Do you think the physical activity helped?

It always does, yes. And somehow it always takes me by surprise. I think a part of me wants exercise not to be so beneficial!

Originally Posted by va1erie

It really is a very cool program. Some groups are camping in the backcountry doing trail maintenance, some are working in inner city neighborhoods. They tried to match up kids with their camping experience and interests -- they asked whether the student had ever spent the night outdoors, whether they'd carried a 40-pound pack, whether they were interested in working with children or animals, etc. Some groups are 'camping' in school gyms or church basements, others are in national parks camping in primitive campgrounds, a few are in absolute wilderness digging holes for their own toilets. CC's got a very comprehensive outdoor recreation education program that seems to be aiming to get every kid to the point they can carry a 40-pound pack into the wilderness and to teach them to rock climb, kayak, ski whether or not they've ever done any of those things. We've gotten a few texts from her. They all shared a single portapotty for their five-day trip, stayed in tents on the grounds of the horse ranch where they're working, and in between stints shoveling poop went into Santa Fe shopping & went somewhere that they could jump off cliffs into water. She sent me a couple of fantastic photos and says NM is amazing. Sounds like they had a great time. They got back to campus sometime late this morning.

That all sounds so very foreign to me and unlike any college program I've ever heard of, at least not on such a scale. I think it sounds wonderful, though, or at least the "new me" does. If I had heard about a program like that at any college I applied to at Jane's age, I'd have run as fast and as far in the opposite direction as I possibly could!

Originally Posted by va1erie

It's like a tightrope, only there's give (slack) in it, and it's 1 or 2" wide. It's a balancing thing. People learn to walk on it, then start doing tricks. When we were at CC in April we saw people slacklining on low lines (about hip height) and others on lines twenty feet overhead with catch lines. The kids put them up between trees.

ACK ACK ACK!!!!

Originally Posted by va1erie

Tomorrow! Some sort of convocation at 9, then classes start at 10:30. I find it amazing that "orientation" is a ten-day event!

Yeah, really!! What could possibly take 10 days??? I'll be interested in hearing how she likes her first classes.

Originally Posted by va1erie

I miss her, but it's pretty cool having all our time be our own. John's already noticing there's MUCH less laundry.

I would imagine that a teenage girl contributes far more than her fair share to the family laundry!

Originally Posted by va1erie

It did catch me off guard, but if it's actually true it really helps. I found a book aimed at partners of Asperger's folks, figured that was probably as close as I might get as most seem to be aimed at parents.

The book that I have is a memoir written by a man with Asperger's. He did a lecture at my campus and was just fascinating. I think I told you about it at the time; I believe it was last fall.

Originally Posted by va1erie

I'm sorry you've had some bad days in here! But how cool that teaching just keeps feeding your soul! How lucky you are in that! So many people at this point in their careers are just hanging on until they can retire.

Teaching has always been the one constant anchor in my life, no matter what other crap might have been going on at the time.

Originally Posted by va1erie

Hope you had a better day! I forgot to weigh this morning but did weigh yesterday (1 under goal) so I'm happy. We have airbnb guests from Hungary in -- they seem very cool! Anna and Eszter, they work for Lexmark and are from Budapest. They've been gobbling up American culture while they're here -- even went to WalMart. And had Cincinnati Chili TWICE. They're going down to Riverfest tonight (gigantic downtown festival w/500K attendees and a huge fireworks display shot over the river) and we're trying to figure out how to get them down there and back home via the bus, as the parking is absolutely NUTS and the traffic coming home turns all the highways into parking lots. I think we're going to drive them to a stop where they can catch a direct bus, then pick them back up afterward because it's unfortunately not in the best area of town and I'd feel a little leery of sending a couple of young women there alone at midnight. Probably they'd be perfectly safe -- it's just a blighted area, not a really bad one -- and if they were American urbanites I'd probably feel a little more comfortable. It feels a little odd to be getting ready to tell these young women, "Okay, if you get to Government Square and can't figure out which area you need to be in to find your bus, ask a well-dressed black woman." Because of course as an American urbanite myself, I just -know- without having to be told that a well-dressed black woman at the bus staging area is 1. likely to be an experienced bus rider and 2. likely to be happy to help and 3. not likely to be someone I shouldn't approach. But would a young woman from Budapest perhaps even be unlikely to ask a black person at all because she A. wouldn't realize that blacks in an urban area are those most likely to understand the bus service and B. might feel uncomfortable with black people because she doesn't run into many of them at home? And does it make me a racist that I know exactly whom I should approach at the bus staging area during a huge inner-city event?

So are these your first customers? And how interesting they sound! As for your lesson on approaching a well-dressed black woman for information about the bus, I don't think I would have known to do that myself. But what you said makes perfect sense! How long are your guests staying?

I weighed myself yesterday morning for the first time in maybe a week or so and was utterly shocked to see 136.8 on the scale--my highest weight in at least 14 months. That certainly got my attention! (I know that a little bit of it is probably water retention from the very long walk the day before, but only a little bit of it. I also discovered that my favorite jeans now give me a definite muffintop. Time to get serious here.) I've had two low calorie days since then. Yesterday I walked 4 miles on a route that is entirely hilly, a real challenge. I'll do the same tomorrow. I weighed again this morning and was down .4.

What's the latest from Jane?

MONDAY: Weight was down a whole pound today--YAY!! Good eating day. Back to the grind tomorrow. Hope you had a good holiday!