Advice please: boyfriend got another girl pregnant
A little background: My boyfriend and I have been together since I was 16 and he 18 (I’m now 24). We’re really close, he was my high school sweetheart, went to prom together, graduations, vacations, he even came with me to meet my family outside of the country. We love each other terribly and just knew we wanted to grow old together.
As of late last year we’d been getting into really bad fights (stupid, silly things actually) and not talking to each other for days (we don’t live together, but we live in the same neighborhood). Earlier this year around Jan we decided to take a break, although we still spoke once a while and were intimate, but not much). We got back together around late April. In June he told me that a girl he had been with while we were on the break was pregnant and said it was his. She was keeping it.
This broke my heart and my boyfriend’s, who said he didn’t want to be with her. This just ruined all of our life plans. All these months, we’ve spoken about it but I’ve never told anyone, none of my friends or family. For some reason I couldn’t believe it or just wished it would go away.
She gave birth last week and I found out that she worked around my neighborhood so now I feel betrayed that he would be with someone so close. Now, I don’t know what to do. He told some of his friends, and his parents went to see the baby at the hospital. I didn’t speak to him all weekend because I was so mad and hurt. But I honestly love him and there is no one that I want to be with, he is the one that I’ve always planned on being with and having a family with. I know it hurts him too. But I don’t know what to do…. I don’t even know how to go about telling my family. I’m really embarrassed.
Does anyone have any advice? I don’t know if I should leave him so he can go be with his baby and try at a relationship with the mother, or stay because we’ve always been together? He says he wants to be with me and is scared about being a parent with a woman he barely knows. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I’ll be able to deal with this woman being a part of his life now if I stay. I know I’ll love his baby because it’s a part of him, but I’m so scared and embarrassed and hurt.
Last edited by fatsincebirth; 11-14-2011 at 04:17 PM.
Reason: i'm 24 now
first of all you need to decide if you are going to be with him or not. If you are then you have to be all in. It isn't just him anymore there is a child involved.
My husband was sued for child support after we had been together a year or so by a women he'd spent about 6 weeks dating before we met. From the start I decided I could only do this if I treated him as if he were my own child. That was the way he was presented to my parents and they treated him like a grandchild. I treated his mother like an inlaw. Someone I was stuck with long term so I better find a way to get along with. I've had her parents over for christmas dinner. It's all worked out fine and I've been blessed for having him in my life.
Truth is life is not a straight line. Stuff happens that you didn't expect. You just dust yourself off, re evaluate what the plan is and start again.
His first measure of business is to DEMAND a DNA test to see if it is even his.
I agree and both of you should have VD tests.
For me, it'd be hard because I never wanted to date someone with kids and that would've kind of been a deal breaker for me. Whether he likes it or not, the lack of preventative measures resulted in him having a kid. If both of you are together, then the mother and the kid will play some role in your life. Can you deal with that?
Whether he and the girlfriend have a relationship he and she are bound fron now on and he will be financially obligated for the next 18 years for child support.
Can you live with this ?
You need to decide if you are willing to make it work with him, and talk to him about it. If I were in your situation and professed to loving him, I would be doing all I could to support him and help him out through this. He probably regrets his short-term relationship he had with the woman... but if you two had broken up then he may have made a bad decision... but you can't say he was cheating on you. He needs to be involved in his baby's life, but if he loves you that doesn't mean he has to work things out with the baby's mom. I can see regrets all around with that.
That being said, I have 2 little stepkids and they are great and I love them, but having a divided family is a commitment. You will spend at least the next 18 years dealing with the baby's mom and her family (This is the worst for me... 16 years to go until the youngest turns 18! I'm counting down.) Child support can cost more than if you were raising the child yourself. You'll probably end up in court over visitation times and other custody issues (also costly). And you're right, there is the constant 'knowing' that he was with the other woman. That is hard for me even, and I didn't even know my husband when he was together with his ex.
It's a lot to think about. Hugs to you. I married a man who had 2 little kids, and we love each other. He regrets his past but there is nothing left to do but help him raise the babies! The kids mom is a witch both to me and him, but she really is an insignificant part of our lives. We see her for a total of 5 or 10 minutes to pick up and drop off kids, and at court dates. My husband has actually come a very long way in getting more custody of and building a relationship with his kids since we have been dating/married, and I know it is because I support him and am there to help him with his parenting skills and choices. We also have a new baby together and it is a wonderful addition and has brought us closer together, knowing that this baby we won't have to ship back and forth, and we can watch her grow up.
I would say go with your instinct here... no need to give up your love!
Last edited by Everlasting; 11-14-2011 at 03:22 PM.
The three of you need to do a LOT of talking! It may be a good time for couples/family counselling too, since it's now a lot more complicated and there are more people involved than before.
It is true that he and she will be bound for life because of the child and there is nothing you can do about it, it's only a "death sentence" if it's made out to be one. I've dated plenty of men with children, even though I don't have any of my own. Sometimes the women were nice and we got along, sometimes they weren't. The ones who weren't I just avoided contact with. I mean really, why on earth would I need to have contact with them anyway?
This is going to sound harsh, but you need to decide what is the best thing for you...not for him or the mother, they're adults, they'll figure themselves out...nor what is best for the child. As long as the baby is treated right that is. The child has two parents to look after him/her.
If you want to stay with him then work it out, but you have to decide at what cost to yourself. If you can't handle the relationship then there is no reason to drag it on and confuse everyone's lives.
Thank you everybody for your advice. I’m scheduling an appointment with my doctor for a check-up asap and I’m going to insist that he gets a paternity test if he wants to work things out with me. In the mean time, I really don’t want to tell my parents anything, but I feel like I should before somebody else does. Is it normal for me to care so much what my family and friends will think about me staying with him? I’m scared that my family is going to hate him, and I don’t want that.
I would worry about him being so irresponsible as to have *highly likely* unprotected sex w/someone and then coming back to you without your knowledge. I would worry about the immaturity it took to do both.
I wouldn't be worrying about what others thought. You always hear, "it doesn't matter what others think." It truly doesn't though. You have to do what is right for you. In time, if your guy is worth his salt your family is going to come to accept him.
Total thumbs up on getting into your doctor for a full battery of STD testing. I would insist on it and make boyfriend pay the bill!
50% of pregnancies occur when the couple is using a form of contraception, usually the Pill or condoms. It's not actually "highly likely" that it was unprotected sex.
My neighbor has 2 families. One is a 15 year old boy by a woman he never married.
3 little ones are his from his present marraige.
The older boy's family gave my neighbor a very difficult time for years when it came to visitation. The mother had a nasty temper. Now that the boy is 15 and difficult to handle, the mother wants to turn full custody over to the father. Just like that.
The father took the boy in for the whole summer. That lasted 2 weeks. The boy got into a terriffic temper tantrum when the dad turned off the TV...and the boy got violent and started breaking things in the house.
The father took him back to the mother within an hour. She locked her door and refused to accept the boy back home. He drove away and left the boy standing on the mom's porch.
It is best to get a DNA test before telling anyone your boyfriend fathered a child. Many times it turns out the 'dad' is not the father.
My neighbor has 2 families. One is a 15 year old boy by a woman he never married.
3 little ones are his from his present marraige.
The older boy's family gave my neighbor a very difficult time for years when it came to visitation. The mother had a nasty temper. Now that the boy is 15 and difficult to handle, the mother wants to turn full custody over to the father. Just like that.
The father took the boy in for the whole summer. That lasted 2 weeks. The boy got into a terriffic temper tantrum when the dad turned off the TV...and the boy got violent and started breaking things in the house.
The father took him back to the mother within an hour. She locked her door and refused to accept the boy back home. He drove away and left the boy standing on the mom's porch.
It is best to get a DNA test before telling anyone your boyfriend fathered a child. Many times it turns out the 'dad' is not the father.
All good advice above. You might also think about whether you're really wanting HIM, as he is, or someone you've been with for years. I mean, at this point it doesn't particularly matter that you went to your senior prom together, does it?
Advice please: boyfriend got another girl pregnant
