(little background...Ed and I have been together for a little over 1 year. He's been divorced for 6 years and has 100% custody of his 13 year daughter, who I've posted about before. I've never been married and have no children. He's 39, I'm 32)
This question is for those of you who in relationships with divorcees...
How long did it take your SOs to "get used" to being with someone?
My boyfriend and I were talking earlier and he said that he didn't KNOW if he could live with someone again. I asked him about it, and he didn't say that he was opposed to living with someone, or remarriage. But that he didn't know. Before I came along, he had been alone physically for 5 years, and alone emotionally a year before that.
I understand he has trust issues, with both do. And I know he's not ready to get married again. His ex burned him REAL bad! And left him in a bad place financially. (remortgaged the house to fund her drug habit). And I understand that just letting another person into his life, and to be an influence in his daughter's life is a HUGE step.
I'm wondering if anyone else went through this (or something like it)?
And any advice I can get to help would be GREAT!
I think this is also part of his reluctance to letting me spend the night...
I don't think there is one single answer. My husband was married prior to us getting together but there were no children from his previous marriage. We actually started dating about 6 months after his divorce was finalized (they had also been separated prior to being divorced). Our situation was a little bit different because we were friends for many years and became really good friends when he was going through his divorce. The first few months of our relationship were kind of met with some trepidation and there was some weirdness here and there.
Overall, your relationship is unique but he definitely may have issues due to his past relationship and even counseling may be in order to help him work through some of the issues.
Well, I am a divorcée, not sure if that helps. I've been divorced 18 months, and was separated for almost a year before that. I didn't date at all until I had been divorced nearly a year. Being that I'm about to get married to my boyfriend of seven months (by then), I guess it's self-evident that I've gotten used to being with someone.
Like Nelie said, there isn't any one answer. It seems to me that, although Ed has been divorced for a while, you are his first real relationship post-divorce. Is that accurate? It may well be that he didn't see a need to work on his issues from his first marriage, simply because there was no one prompting him to reexamine things, KWIM?
That doesn't mean you have to be happy about it. It certainly seems to be interfering with your relationship. He might benefit from seeing a counselor, if such a thing is possible.
Last edited by GreatBigMonsterMomma; 02-03-2010 at 09:33 PM.
yeah, I'm his first serious relationship.
And he's not going to go to therapy just for him. His daughter goes twice a week. And he's not going to spend the money for just him to go. I'm trying to get him to go with Morgan, to work on her food issues and the whole lying thing.
I think part of it is that he's been alone so long that he's become a bit set in his ways. I'm hopeful I can break him of that.
Just be sure to consider your needs and desires in this too!! What do you want from a relationship? Are you getting it now? Do you expect him to come around to a second marriage, to moving in? If you do, and he doesn't will you be fulfilled always being just the girlfriend?
I love my husband but I feel I have compromised a lot in our relationship and sometimes I wonder where my compromise ends and his begins. Given the chance to go back and either not get married or- lay down some ground rules first... i'd go back and change things. Just something to think about.
I want to get married someday. And I want to have children some day.
I'm not in any real hurry to do either of these things.
As for my needs, right now I'm getting them. He's very good about that. And I think that someday he'll come around. He hasn't said that he NEVER wants to get married. I think he's scared of sharing his life with someone again. And to be honest, SO AM I!
Hey girl...I am in the same situation now... EXCEPT, he doesnt' have custody of his TWINS...but he was hurt soo bad, he has major trust issues... he has been single for 4 years now.. and isn't interested in EVER being married again... I am trying to put myself in his shoes and understand his way of thinking... Just take it day by day girl, that's what I'm doing.... He's a doll to me and I can see myself with him for a long time... but eventually, I would like to be married again.... He is sooo AGAINST that... I'm not sure how it will work out!!! Good Luck!!!
I want to get married someday. And I want to have children some day.
I'm not in any real hurry to do either of these things.
As for my needs, right now I'm getting them. He's very good about that. And I think that someday he'll come around. He hasn't said that he NEVER wants to get married. I think he's scared of sharing his life with someone again. And to be honest, SO AM I!
And that's fine! Just continue to keep an eye on what you want, and don't give more than you are comfortable giving. I made that mistake in my first marriage, and boy did it ever lead to resentment.
I'm not speaking from the point of view of actually being in a relationship with someone; but I have a really good friend who I watched go through a divorce, and the journey afterwards.
The first year, he was depressed and felt like he would never accomplish anything. He was also left with a huge financial burden and mess. About the second year, he got a financial plan together, and a couple years later bought a house!! (I remember him saying countless times he would never be able to do that!!)
About 3 years out of the divorce, he was finally to the point where he was able to stand up to his ex and have a healthy relationship with his kids. He got custody of his oldest.
He is now about 6 years out of the divorce, and he is financially stable, has a good emotional connection with his younger kids, and is raising his teen-age son as a single father.
It is amazing how different he is today compared to 6 years ago. He has confidence, and a plan and knows what he wants and where he is going. Except for having a really good support system (friends/family) he has not been in a relationship since his divorce. He has only recently just started talking about maybe finding one - but he is so focused on his son graduating HS and moving on to college - it leaves him little time for this.
There were many times that he could not see past his own nose. I consider him a really good friend, and there were times I really would have liked to have his input/support on something, and I just knew that I had to find it elsewhere because he just was not capable of providing it to anyone.
I think it takes alot of time to work through all those issues - but everyone has issues they have to work through. Anyways, I don't know if this helps - sorry to be so long and rambling.
well, me and my BF have both been thru a divorce. We kind of got together just as we were both going thru the divorce process. We had been online friends tho since I was 16, and had kept in touch off and on.. when we found we were both going thru it, we supported each other, and somehow a relationship just developed from there.
Relationships after divorce...
