YOU: On a Diet - and other Oprah inspired diets Includes Dr Phil, Bob Greene, and YOU: On a Diet

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Old 10-06-2003, 09:36 AM   #1  
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Default Discussion Three - Key Two: Healing Feelings

Hi everyone!

I thought I would go ahead and open this thread up for discussion.... I know lots of you are jumping ahead and are chomping at the bit....

I havent finished reading mine yet (which is very unusual for me- I normally read a book in a day or two) but with all the studying for real estate school and working full time and having two teenagers - I am running out of time..... I will finish up today and post later.....

Feel free to start the ball running!

I have loved all the discussion and by play that has been going on! I think it is great!
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Old 10-07-2003, 09:50 AM   #2  
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This is what happened to me. I have/had a big problem with anger. I'm really a very nice and pleasant person, but when I get mad, I get M-A-D. I don't throw things or kick, but I mouth. And I get my blood pressure up, or in cases with my husband, I say what's on my mind, leave the room and head for the frig.

I always knew I was angry with my mother for being unavailable physically and emotionally. When my father died when we were children, we were not allowed to talk about him or grieve. I grew up feeling that having cancer was as bad as being incarcerated for an evil crime, and I was ashamed that my father up and died on us. This was because of her false pride in that she didn't want people to think of her "as the poor young widow with 3 kids." The face she showed the world, and the very unpleasant person she was at home were like Jekyl and Hyde. She was also very critical; no matter what I did to try and please her, it was never good enough. When I was in my 30's I went into therapy for it because I felt guilty that I didn't like my mother. The therapist left me with the thought, "There is no law that you *HAVE* to be friends with your mother." In her last years, I did what I needed to, out of obligation not love, to help her. After she died, I felt relief. And I did one of those scenerios where I sat her down in a chair and pretended she was there, sitting silent and unable to lash back, while I told her exactly how she had hurt me. But I also forgave her because I realized that she couldn't help the way she was because of her own sorry upbringing. It worked; case closed. I rarely think of her any more. I just wasn't one of those lucky people who was blessed with a loving mother that could be a friend and guide throughout adulthood.

But I was stilll angry. So after reading Dr. Phil, I sat down and wrote a letter in my journal to everyone I felt had done me wrong, analyzed what they did, and forgave them for each various reason. I felt better, but there was still something there, eating at me, but I couldn't identify it. The only person I hadn't addressed yet was my husband.

Then, on Friday's Dr. Phil show on personaity types, the first couple drew me out. As Dr. Phil asked the wife questions to help her identify where the anger was coming from, it hit me. I was still angry at my husband for an incident that happened 8 years ago for which I have never forgiven him, and continued to hold over his head. What compounded my anger is that since that incident, any little thing he did to piss me off, festered into something larger than what it should have been. So I was building anger on top of anger on top of anger, and holding it all in! Any time I had to "let him have it," I'd yell, and stomp out of the room, and then give him the silent treatment for days. He is not a fighter, so in an attempt to control my own anger in front of him, I was causing myself to get eaten up on the inside, while pushing it down with food as a tranquillizer. I now believe that food as a comforter (mother) and tranquillizer (anger management) has been a large part of my problem.

Once I made this realization just a few days ago and recognized what I was doing to myself, I felt immediate relief. I could once again look at him as the man I fell in love with, for all of his wondersul qualitites, and not the man who does typical male things that annoy women. I let go of the 8 year old incident because he never did anything remotely close to that since. (Just for your curiosity, the incident involved a vacation with another couple, who changed the plans at the last minute. I refused to go because it was not what we agreed to, and he went anyway without me. There are some details not worth going into, but my overall feeling was that he dishonored me by going.)

I know other people have had terrible things happen to them in life. My only hope is that others will be fortunate enough to get through their emotions that antagonize their inner self and move forward.

dip

Last edited by diphthong; 10-07-2003 at 09:54 AM.
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Old 10-07-2003, 01:05 PM   #3  
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What I got out of "Healing Feelings":

There will always be somekind of stress in my life. Rather I'm thin, fat, wealthy, or poor. Doesn't matter it will alway be there, but "whatever the situation, you can choose your reaction. you do have a choice about rather an event in your life will be your undoing or something you deal with appropriately."

Denial:

-It is a dangerous because it supresses the truth about yourself.
-Pressure cooker reaction
-After I blow then I am sorry guilty, ashamed and turn to food.

Change your emotional response:

-Slow down and listen to your thinking
-Evaluate your reaction
-Alter that reaction

Give emotional closure:

-Emotions change what I do and contaminate what I have to give
-MER

Forgiveness that part spoke for itself.

"The past is over! The future hasn't happened yet. The only time is now!"

I write these everyday in my food journal. I apply this to both my emotional stressors and craving for food:

1. Are they true emotions/ cravings?
2. Do they serve my best interest?
3. Do they advance/protect my health?
4. Do they help me achieve my weight-management goal?

I can't wait to see how some of the people deal with their tramatic childhoods on the show next Monday.
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Old 10-07-2003, 05:58 PM   #4  
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nanj- I found a little blurb today that your post reminded me of...

"The key for true happiness is to make sure that regardless of where you end up, that you are enjoying the spot where you currently are."

I definetly need to change my reactions - I have come to the conclusion that I cause a lot of my own stress since I tend to take things too seriously sometimes and get angry, frustrated and stressed when things are not as I think they should be. I take small things to heart that I need to let go and forget about.

Dip- I am glad that you finally forgave your husband and I hope that your relationship grows better as you continue your journey.

I loved your story about how you released your feelings about your mother and set yourself free
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Old 10-07-2003, 08:27 PM   #5  
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I am reading but I don't "feel" anything sinking in. I am going to start at the beginning again to get this. I seem to have short answers to these questions and then can't come up with a positive thought to cancel it out. It's like I can't think beyond the first negative short answer.

I shall return.

Your posts are very helpful. Thanks.
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Old 10-07-2003, 09:41 PM   #6  
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Mauraisroux,

Have you tried the relaxation exercise at the end of the BOOK? I think that I will try it. I usually have a lot of patience with people, well everyone but myself. But I have noticed over the years that I have gotten more synical and bitter in my reaction to people and even worse to myself. I have read the whole book through and am applying it as best as I can understand how, but the last couple of days I have been edgy and craving. So I reassessed my inner talk and decided that I just need to relax. So tomorrow, I will find a way to do the exercise. I have spent so much time on concentrating on food and what I can eat next that I am having a little more time to do things.

I read an article in the local paper that Dr. Phil should have put how to handle stress in the BOOK. Evidently, the women who wrote the article had not read the whole BOOK.

I have found that going back and re-reading the book and following along with the show has helped me apply what the BOOK says better.

DIP:

Your experience with your sister broke my heart. I have four sister and couldn't imagine what you went through. What you have gone through with your mother is a little bit what my sister and I have dealt with. My mother married young and had us four older girls boom, boom, boom. She is distant and couldn't wait for each one of us to graduate and hit the road. She doesn't take a part in my children, grandchildren and my life. I feel sad that we can take a day and go shopping, eat out and have fun. It took me thirty years to tell her NO and to realize that no matter what me and my family does in life, we will never be appreciated for it. But, it is okay. I have a wonderful relationship with my kids and grandkids. We go place and do little things just to keep us close. I really work at it and so does my husband. My family is a real joy. They are not perfect, but very giving!

I can't believe that I even talk about some of the crap that I have on this website. It is very freeing. I hope that I can talk about it here and than give it up. Keep trying to remember that "Yesterdays gone; the future isn't here yet; there is only today!"

Last edited by nanj; 10-07-2003 at 09:44 PM.
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Old 10-07-2003, 10:01 PM   #7  
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Thanks nanj! I haven't read that far yet but I will have a sneak peek at it
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Old 10-08-2003, 04:33 PM   #8  
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Mauvaisrous,

Word of caution here:

I tried the relaxation thing 3:00 a.m. after a hot flash. Man, my husband thought that I was having a heart attack. I tried to do the breathing according to Dr. Phil's instruction and when I really concentrated on breathing, it didn't come natural and I got really short of breath; shot up out of bed and scared my husband to death. Never was very coordinated! LOL!
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Old 10-08-2003, 09:17 PM   #9  
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I'll remember that when I try it out tonight nanj!
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Old 10-09-2003, 01:41 PM   #10  
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I have been struggling to read the book. Every night I crawl into bed, decide I'm going to read, and most nights don't do it. I'm resistant. My slacks keep getting tighter by the day, I'm down to only a few things that BARELY fit, I feel like an inflated slug, and yet I resist something that could help me.

So I've been trying to sort THAT out, figuring out, as Dr. P. would, "What's the payoff?"

The biggest payoff is: It's easier to indulge the binge-ing and feeling bad than to try to do the work I need to do to stop it.

I also got this very timely e-mail from E-diets today, with an article attached "22 Reasons Why You'll be Fat Forever" that emphasizes what an emotional and intellectual overhaul I need to undertake in order to accomplish the physical overhaul:


22 Reasons You Might Be Fat Forever.

1. You are still looking for a quick and easy solution to weight loss.

2. You think that diet and exercise are the only essential factors involved in weight loss.

3. You have not identified the psychological reasons that drive your eating patterns.

4. You have not learned to manage or heal the psychological reasons that drive your eating patterns.

5. You have a fear of or resistance to growing up and becoming a full adult.

6. You use food as a reward or a treat after any or all stressful events.

7. You think you can lose weight without making exercise a regular part of your day, every day.

8. You think you can lose weight by doing it “your way.”

9. You expect to lose weight without making significant lifestyle changes.

10. You refuse to learn to become a good receiver as well as a good giver.

11. You have never learned to be effectively and appropriately assertive.

12. You have not learned to express your anger in a healthy, honest fashion.

13. You have not learned to be self-nurturing except with food.

14. You are excessively self-critical.

15. You refuse to take responsibility for your life.

16. You resist learning to love yourself.

17. You resist learning to love your body before it is thin.

18. You have not faced your inner fears of being thin.

19. You are certain that spirituality (a connection to a force greater than you) is irrelevant to weight loss.

20. You think you can lose significant weight without the support of others.

21. You have deep emotional wounds that you refuse to explore and heal.

22. You are not prepared to have weight be an issue that you will have to face each and every day for the rest of your life.

OK, now you have some incredibly important information about yourself and the things that are blocking your weight loss. You now have a choice. You can get depressed and go into avoidance or denial, or you can choose to make a renewed and informed commitment to your growth and well-being. The decision you make could change your life and your body for good!


Matthew Anderson, D. Min., is a counselor, organizational consultant, seminar leader and the author of books and tapes that can help you overcome your obstacles to well-being.
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Old 10-09-2003, 02:15 PM   #11  
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Sami, I can really relate your struggle with the book. I've been reading it at night also, and nothing is sinking in. What Dr. Phil says makes perfect sense, but I just can't remember what I've read 10 minutes later! I'm still trying, though. I may have to read the book several times, but I think it's worth the effort. I read the posts here and everyone else seems to have such a good grasp of the book and their insights into his questions. This is helping me more than the book is.

I'll just keep plodding along and hoping the light will go on soon.

Dip, you are an amazing woman. Your story touched my heart.

Marilyn
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Old 10-09-2003, 09:06 PM   #12  
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Hey Ladies....

I know that I cant read this book and get anything out of it at night when I crawl into bed.... I am tired, my brain is tired, I dont want to think.... if I do read I want the fluff that it doesnt matter what I have just read....

Try reading in the morning or at lunch or during your breaks at work or somewhere else but at night.... by then you are so exhausted that you just wont get anything out of it.

Good Luck!
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Old 10-10-2003, 07:26 AM   #13  
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I read a chapter a day in the morning-I love to get up early and read when it's quiet-then I am motivated for the day. I answer the questions and underline. Works for me. Mima
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Old 10-10-2003, 08:11 AM   #14  
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Wow, those 22 things lay it out briefly and bluntly, huh?

I do most of my reading in the morning too. And probably 90% of it in the bathroom where I have some peace and quiet. I'm still going back each day and reviewing Dr. Phil's book, and getting something out of it each time. My book has so much yellow-highlighter on the pages, it looks like it was printed that way.

Marilyn, I am *not* amazing but fortunate that 'I got it' after almost 30 years of self-inflicted misery. And I'm hardly finished, not even half way there, actually. The one thing I hope for anyone is that you don't wait to make a change too late in your life like I did. I am 51, but can't look back and only to the present day, and forward. This is a journey of learning about myself and my body, and I plan on having my 'masters' by this time, 2004. Dr. Phil has provided the textbooks, I have to do the work.

Have a great day!

dip
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Old 10-10-2003, 11:32 AM   #15  
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Mima, Angel and Dip, thanks for sharing your best reading times. I really hate to get up in the mornings, but I want to do this so I guess I'll have to sacrifice some snooze time for a healthier future.

Dip, I do understand about change. I divorced my husband of almost 36 years in June. We had been separated for three years when I filed for divorce. Six years ago, he discovered a night life that did not include me. I can't remember how many nights I would lie awake waiting for him to come home. I am 54 and until we separated, I had never lived on my own. I went from my parent's house to his house. If I do say so myself, I'm doing a great job of taking care of myself financially and emotionally. Physically, I weigh 282 lbs and this is the next big change in my future. I am down from 297 at Christmas 2002, so I've made a little progress this year. I haven't been truly committed to being healthier before now. I don't blame the weight gain on the unhappy marriage. No one forced me to eat, but I did eat out of frustration, anger and hurt. Now, I am creating my own world and I am responsible for ALL of my actions. I think it's going to be a great adventure.

Marilyn
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