One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the p****. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine?? Hello!!
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Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who the **** cares!
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Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your *** on the couch, with your feet up anyway.
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Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
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Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white powdery mess on the bottom of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
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Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so don't do it.
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Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it.
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And finally the most important tip....
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail....... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
>The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather
>dignified,
>well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early
>50s. "May I help
>you?" she asked.
>
>"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
>
>"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive
>ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said
>the madam.
>
>"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
>
>Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man
>that she charged
>$1,000 a visit.
>
>Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred
>dollar bills,
>gave them to Valerie, and
>they went upstairs.
>
>After an hour, the man calmly left.
>
>The next night, the same man appeared again,
>demanding to see Valerie.
>
>Valerie explained that none had ever come back two
>nights in a row--too
>expensive--and there were no discounts. The price wa s
>still $1,000.
>
>Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to
>Valerie and they went upstairs.
>
>After an hour, he left.
>
>The following night the man was there again.
>
>Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third
>consecutive night,
>but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
>
>After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No
>one has ever been
>with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
>she asked.
>
>The man replied, "SavannahGeorgia."
>"Really" she said. "I have family in SavannahGeorgia."
>
>"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am
>your sister's
>attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000
>inheritance."
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches
to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up
very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent
all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in
a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all
of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer
and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price
in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got
out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their
calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she
missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife
had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about
1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the
papers that very day. She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers
delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath
away.
Walking up to her he said, "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man, but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.
Firming Up
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 
They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. 
carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
