Good one!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

So, how is everything going?" enquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.


That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.


Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.

How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see . . . . where did I put the useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

This guy and his girl had been dating for over a year and things were going so well he decided to ask her to marry him.

Everyone seemed happy about the engagement. There was only one thing that worried the guy, his future sister-in-law. She was young and wore really sexy clothing. She would flirt when ever other family members weren't around.

One day the guy received a call from his future sister-in-law (SIL). She said she needed him to come over and take a final look at the invitations. When he arrived, the future SIL was waiting for him in a skippy nighty and said she really invited him over because she was really attracted to him and wanted to have sex with him just once before he commited himself to a life with her sister. She then went to the top of the stairs, removed her panties, threw them to him and said "I'll be up here when your ready" At this, the guy turned around and made a beeline for the front door. Running towards his car, he sees his fiance' and her parents waiting for him. His future father-in-law is patting him on the back saying "you've passed the test, you deserve my daughter. You've proved your loyalty".

The moral of the story....

....

....

..........................always keep your condoms in your car.

Great ones Donna!

OMG...these are GREAT, Thanks for the laughes!!

Dear Ma and Pa:
>
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
>
> Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
>
> I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
>
> Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
>
> Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
>
> It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
>
> Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
>
> The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
>
> The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
>
> This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
>
> Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
>
> You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
>
> Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
>
> Your loving daughter,
>
> Gail.

Thats too funny Irene! I love it.
Virginia

Actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to passengers over the public address system...



1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless,



of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound line



and go in the opposite direction."







2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."







3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."







4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."







5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".







6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars.



If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."







7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl:



"Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."







8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!"(Pause ...)



"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."







9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."







10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close.



It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."







11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."







12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"







13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)



"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause..)



"This is a personal message to the gentleman in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train:



Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door, before I come down there



and shove them up your a**e sideways!"







14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.



However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently
had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many
deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there
anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.
__________________________________________________ ____

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a
Kansas City chef!
__________________________________________________ _____

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when
an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened
in Birmingham, Ala.
__________________________________________________ ____

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker
of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that
it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation
officer in Wichita, KS
__________________________________________________ ____

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
__________________________________________________ _____

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office
no less.
__________________________________________________ ___

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I
know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,
Mississippi!
__________________________________________________ ___

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind
the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

Look around," said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras
in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only
four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:


There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.


Have you ever wondered why
A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H
are the letters used to define
bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about
time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...


{B} Barely there.


{C} Can't Complain!


{D} Dang!


{DD} Double dang!


{E} Enormous!


{F} Fake.


{G} Get a Reduction.


{H} Help me, I've fallen and
I can't get up !

Send this to all that will appreciate it!

They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!

I will pass this one on to some girlfriends!

For those of you who just thought
you knew everything,
here's a refresher course...

****

The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute for
blood plasma.


****
No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times.

****
Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes.

****
You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.

****

Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

****
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.

****

The king of hearts is the only king
without a mustache.

****

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.

****
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

****
Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

****
Most dust particles in your house are made from
dead skin.


****
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

****

Pearls melt in vinegar.

****

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

****

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but not downstairs.

****

A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.

****

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush
in the living room now!)

****

Richard Millhouse Nixon
was the first U.S. president
whose name contains all the letters
from the word "criminal."

The second ?

William Jefferson Clinton


****

And the best for last.....


Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that;
don't YOU?)

****

Now you know everything
there is to know.

Of importance, that is !!!


Cheers!!!

...so if I sleep with the TV on, does that mean I am burning even more calories?

E-mail message

Sent: Saturday, November 19, 2005 11:14 PM
Subject: Santa nude....**not for young eyes**
Scroll down and you'll see Santa's willy! Whoo hoo gonna love this.
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For Crying out loud......... Act your age........ there is no Santa...

Okay Ilene you got me there!