:rofl: Those were great!

noodles, oh thank you for the laugh this morning much needed.
"Oh i wish i was an oscar meyer wiener" priceless

Revenge OF The Blondes!!
 

Revenge of The Blondes

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" He figured that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment, unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. she asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde
politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

50 Ways To Show Your Love...
 

This list is designed to be a quick check for you to review. Use it to give yourself ideas to maintain your relationship, to give it a positive boost or just simply for some ideas. Print this list off and give it to your partner and then take it in turns, fulfilling what each other wants from the list.

1. Hug her/him.

2. Write a love note.

3. Call her/him at work just to say "Hi."

4. Give a foot massage.

5. Tell a joke.

6. Caress her/him with slow gentle strokes.

7. Go for a walk with her/him.

8. Admit your mistakes.

9. Say: "I love you."

10. Indulge a whim.

11. Listen to her/him talk about an interest of hers/his.

12. Be trustworthy.

13. Instead of complaining, tell her/him what you would prefer.

14. Look at her/him when you're in a discussion.

15. Send her/him flowers. (They`re not just for us girls.)

16. Compliment something she/he did.

17. Offer to help.

18. Ask her/him to show you how to do something.

19. Write a poem about how special she/he is to you.

20. Ask her/him what she'd/he'd like sexually.

21. Take an afternoon drive.

22. Go away together for a weekend holiday.

23. Do something she/he wants to do.

24. Listen to her/him (even if she/he is boring you.)

25. Plan a candlelit dinner.

26. Look at old photos together.

27. Serve her/him breakfast in bed.

28. Take a shower together.

29. Share sexual fantasies.

30. Do a work project together.

31. Give her/him an all over body massage.

32. Plan a picnic lunch.

33. Repeat what she/he says before answering.

34. Send her/him a card.

35. Surprise her/him with a gift.

36. Cook her/his favorite meal.

37. Put on some romantic music.

38. Put together a compilation tape of both your favourite songs.

39. Ask for her/his opinion.

40. Ask her/him how he feels.

41. Let her/him know when you are proud of her/him.

42. Invite her/him to a secret rendezvous.

43. Listen openly to her/his opposing opinion.

44. Watch her/his favourite TV programme with her/him.

45. Watch a sunset together.

46. Play a game together.

47. Have her/him teach you something he/she knows.

48. Go to a movie of his/her choice.

49. Meet him/her for lunch.

50. Let him/her know you care

Grocery shopping
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."

A little bit of NYC
 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed
> him for ten million bucks.
>
> This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings
> along his attorney, who knows sign language.
>
> The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
> bucks you embezzled from me?"
>
> The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
> the 10 million dollars is hidden.
>
> The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
> about."
>
> The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
> you're talking about."
>
> That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
> the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
>
> The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure
> if you don't tell him!"
>
> The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
> brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
> backyard in Queens!"
>
> The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
>
> The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
> the trigger!"

on the lighter, younger side....
 

7 reasons to not mess with a kid:

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to ****?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at he kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching.
"Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".

ROFL!!! those are hilarious!!! he he he...

Dust...
 

The other morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the ****?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Babe," he hollered into the bathroom, " Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow.'" http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies.../1/happy08.gif

Finally....The "Mans" Side Of It All...
 

She & He...
 

You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified as
female? Well, I believe everything in this world actually does have a
gender. And here are some of them:

ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can
always see right through them.

SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues
hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to
warm up.

TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

A REMOTE CONTROL is female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But
consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and
while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on
trying. :lol:

Noodles you are a "regular riot" :lol3:

|
FOR THOSE in the Ya-Ya Sisterhood:


1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be
yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it
just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had
set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics
class pulls a hamstring.


3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd
you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell
my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.


5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what
you're doing, someone else always does.


7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
two sizes!
(OH YAH!!!)


9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10.. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my
idea of a perfect day.

A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, "I
1. had an affair with a woman... almost..."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over
to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I
saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "But I rubbed the $50 on the box, isn't
that the same :lol:

:lol:

DonnaD : hilarious, I LOVE the yaya sisters. Great read..

The Lost Dr. Suess Poem
 

I Love My Job!
I love my job. I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and grey,
and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell,
there's nothing else I love so well.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file,
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work. I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job I'll say it again
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
in clean white coats to take me away!!!!

:lol3: :rofl: Oh, Mauvais. :lol: We've gotta find you a new job, hon.

A little girl answers the phone, "Hello'
Unknown man, "Hello. Is your mother home?"
Little girl, " Yes, but she can't come to the phone ,because she is in the shower."
Unknown man, "How old are you?"
Little girl, " Six"
Unknown man, (Pause)"Well, this is an obscene phone call: Pee-pee, ca-ca, wee-wee!

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks,one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed
them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few
drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the
bartender.
The bartender was surprised, but experienced, and
had learned not to ask people about animals they bring
into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.. They
chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man
with the ducks had to go to the restroom.
He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was
alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as
they all looked at one another.
The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little
conversation. "Say, what's your name?" he
asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day! What else could a duck want?", said
the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to
the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and
out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance
another day I'd do the same again!", said the duck in
reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even
ask what kind of day I've had!!" :o

:rofl:

:lol3: too funny

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees, and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room, and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller -- I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco." "Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "Darnit Jim, Crisco is shortening!"

haha. good one

:lol3: :rofl:

Three Hillbillies...
 

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch talkin'...

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!... I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"

:lol3:

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.
"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew."

:lol: ;)

no offense anyone... I'm catholic 2, but I thought it was a funnie...

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin' Catholic.

One day God was looking down at Earth &saw all of the
>inappropriate behavior that was going on.
>
> He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
>When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95%
are
>misbehaving &5% are not."
>
> God thought for a moment & said, "Maybe I had better send
>down a 2nd angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel
&sent
>him to Earth for a time.
>
> When that angel returned he went to God & said, "Yes, it's
>true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving &5% are being
good."
>
> God was not pleased.
>
> So while He was debating what to do about the 95%, he
>decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them -- give them
a
>little something to help them keep going.
>
> Do you know what that e-mail said?
>
> No?
>
>
> I didn't get one either.

:devil: :devil: :devil: :D :D :devil: :devil: :rofl:

Picture on the night stand
>
> After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of
> another man on her nightstand by the bed.
>
> He begins to worry.
>
> "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
>
> "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
>
> "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
>
> "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
>
> "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
> reassured.
>
> "No, no, no!!!" she answers.
>
> "Well, who in the **** is he, then?" he demands.
>
> "That's me before the surgery
1.

:rofl: good ones donna

Dear Dad...
 

Dear Dad:

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son:

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

A Friend Is Like...
 

:lol: Cute! true too :)

Love this stuff! Keep it up. My Mum and Dad nearly wet themselves laughing over some of these!

The Way Children See Things!


>NUDITY
>I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
>Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
>naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
>back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
>
>
>
>HONESTY
>My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
>dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
>garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
>and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
>little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
>toilet a few days ago.
>
>
>
>OPINIONS
>On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
>his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
>necessarily those of his parents."
>
>
>
>KETCHUP
>A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
>her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
>the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
>she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
>hitting the bottle."
>
>
>
>MORE NUDITY
>A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
>room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
>towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
>asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
>
>
>
>ELDERLY
>While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
>shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The
>various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
>wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
>pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
>inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth
>fairy will never believe this!"
>
>
>
>DRESS-UP
>A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
>dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
>"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
>next morning."
>
>

>SCHOOL
>A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
>my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
>won't let me talk!"
>
>
>
>BIBLE
>A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
>through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
>up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
>pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
>out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
>voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.
> He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter represented.
>
> The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey."
>
> St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to ****.
>
> The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
> exchange gifts."
>
> St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to ****.
>
> The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So,
tell me."
>
> She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
> festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples
> when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.
> The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried
> Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
>
> St. Peter said, "Very good."
>
> Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and
> Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
>
> St. Peter fainted.