GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE (THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED):

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair..
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE (THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:)

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree..
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends..
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

GOOD ONES!!!!! Except I think success is having sex....

so are you in your 20s or your 60s, dentrassi?

Right in the middle!!! (44)
I'm SUPPOSED to love money right now!!!!! (SEX is even better than food....)
drool........

Well, I am in my 20s, and according to that chart I am really unsuccessful. :( Oh well.


Here is something cute a friend sent me:
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope, sorry - three-wish genies are a myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said: "Let me see that freakin' map again

Squeak-Me too!! I DON'T have the financial success, and I DON'T get enough sex. (But then, there is no such thing!!!) HOWEVER, I no longer pee in my pants....except sometimes when I laugh too hard!!!!!!!

LOLPIMP

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the
patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

* * * * * * * * * * * *

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal
fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

* * * * * * * * * * *
I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on
the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every
six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I I hoped
I wouldn't see. Tthe man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered,
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
(This is my personal favorite.)

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So,
how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

* * * * * * * * * * * *

And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He
looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was
I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

Okay...I thought I would finally add a little to the humour section here...this is not a cute quote or anything like that-this is a true little embarassing moment that happened to me recently...Hope you get a laugh out of my misfortune. :D

I have two kids-a four year old daughter, and a 2 year old son. I am so used to seeing all the tv commercials, that I never really even pay that much attention to them anymore-but obviously to my 4 year old-they are a great source for learning about things-what they are, what they are for...
Well, I had never really paid that much attention until after the fact-but if you ever really think about it, feminine protection commercials are pretty graphic anymore-actually showing a product going into a pair of panties type of simulation and so on ...obviously graphic enough to let a small child know what they are for and where they go!
Well, my husband and I were at the checkout with the kids getting ready to pay for our items, and I was getting the checkbook ready and all while the cashier (who was a college aged young MAN, of course) was scanning all of the items and putting them in the bag. I was only half paying attention, and by the time I realized what my daughter was doing-it was too late. She was watching the cashier intently, and was gleefully and loudly speaking as he rang up each item. "Mom is paying for pineapple, Mom is paying for milk, Mom is paying for shampoo, Mom is paying for baby wipes, Mom is paying for "BUTT THINGS", Mom is paying for yogurt..."
When I realized what she said-and that it was referring to my feminine products...I thought I was going to DIE RIGHT THERE. I don't know who was more embarassed-me or the cashier! My husband gets embarassed at nothing-he just started loudly cracking up right there...and periodically he would start laughing all over again the rest of the evening.
Aphil

That is VERY funny Aphil!!!! Once when I was in college I had to buy some "BUTT THINGS" at the corner store. From a young man who sneeringly asked me if I wanted a bag.......I answered, "NO! I'll eat them here!!!" HE was totally embarassed which was great, since he was trying to do that to me.

Kids are SO refreshingly honest, aren't they? There have been times when I have wanted to gag mine!!!!

You girls are so funny. :lol:

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of her blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out.

On my way home, I stopped and got a jug of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out .. so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!

I thank you, once again, for a great product.

Now I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people!

hee hee hee...that is my kinda joke...
APhil

OMG, you girls crack me up! I'm sitting here laughing so hard I have tears rolling down my face. Hubby is ready to have me committed! :lol: :lol: :lol:

I LOVE that!!!! And my MIL uses Tide, so no problem there!!!!! (Good thing I like her, huh?)

I really enjoyed your BUTT THINGS post. Kids are so hilarious. My best friend's kid - who is about to turn 4, has said some very great things. The latest one was when she went on a plane to Disney Land with her grandparents and the stewardess asked her where her mom was. Kel answered "My mommy couldn't come because she's on a DIET!!"


when she told me that i could not stop laughing. My friend is ill and just found out she has PCOS and other problems, which is why she didn't go along. The doctors put her on some medication to lose weight... Kids interpret things in some of the funniest ways.